When you legally change your name from “John” to “Boof” at the age of twenty, chances are, you’re going to have a bit of a weight problem somewhere down the road.

Justin “Joba” Chamberlain, please consider this as a warning.

In the 1998 blockbuster classic Armageddon, the audience is forced to make a decision that no one could possibly envy: would you prefer to watch as an asteroid the size of Texas annihilates all signs of life on Earth, or watch Ben Affleck survive. It’s just a no-win situation that leaves you with a queasy feeling all around.

Which brings me to the latest installment of Barry Bonds vs. Curt Schilling. These two, fine examples of human beings have been going at it for quite some time. More recently, Curt appeared on HBO’s Costas Now last month and stated to host Bob Costas (who Bonds called “a midget”) that Bonds’ lack of response to the allegations from his former mistress that he had told her about his steroid use was pretty much an admission of guilt. He said on the show:

“If someone wrote that stuff about me and I didn’t sue their (butt) off, am I not admitting that there’s some legitimacy to it?”

Yes, Curt. That’s a manly way to handle it. Tell your lawyers.

Oh, and it seems that Barry heard you loud and clear.

According to today’s edition of the Bay Area publication The Mercury News, Bonds has actually created a team of lawyers to specifically target Curt Schilling:

“This is directed at Schilling more than anybody,” said criminal defense attorney Michael Rains, who is representing Bonds in a grand jury investigation stemming from the Balco case.

“Schilling said some things that were inappropriate and potentially defamatory. I know it was upsetting to Barry. We talked about the issue and I know he was talking to some civil lawyers to put people on notice that he has someone defending him.”

So I ask you, would you prefer to live in a world where Curt Schilling can yap off on television with no consequences, or one where Barry Bonds is even richer having successfully sued Schilling’s (butt) off?

It’s times like these that I wish Endor was a real planet so I can move there. But then again, I’d be surrounded by Ewoks. And no one wants that.