Free coffee and baseball: This is a match made in heaven, from Sarah’s point of view. Two notes: 1. Jose Canseco is worried that he’ll get poisoned via free coffee. 2. Jonathan Papelbon is advertising free coffee (with purchase of either a flatbread sandwich or a pizza) at Dunkin’ Donuts, available the day after the Red Sox win. Sounds a bit complicated to me—and it’s cheap of DD to exclude their own employees. Not to mention that Paps looks like a cheeseball in this photo. Why didn’t they just go with a real post-game shot?

Speed: the Blue Jays are going to be swiping more bags this season. And speaking of speed, I enjoyed watching the A’s relievers throw over to first with Jason Varitek standing on the bag. Yes, let’s make sure the 35-year old catcher doesn’t steal.

Fans: It just goes to show you that the Dodgers really do have a special relationship with their fans, as LA hurler Brad Penny warmed up with a lucky fan yesterday. Across town, Angels owner Arte Moreno bought souvenirs for several fans. And it seems that Baltimore’s long-suffering faithful are finally abandoning their ballclub. Just don’t get mad when the Sox come to town in May and bring their hordes of free-spending fans with them, transforming Camden Yards into Fenway South. The O’s need the revenue.

No-hitters: Yesterday, ESPN.com carried a teaser for the Chicago-Detroit game saying the Dontrelle Willis was throwing a no-no through five innings. To me, that’s just false advertising. Sure, it’s technically accurate to say that D-Train ended up one-hitting the White Sox, but it would perhaps be more descriptive to say that Willis went five innings, while walking seven and striking out none. It was the least dominant no-no bid I’ve ever watched. An outing more worthy of ESPN’s hype would have been Jake Peavy’s two-hit complete game or Manny Parra’s legit seven-strikeout no-hit bid, carried through five innings.

Reds Rookies: On the heels of Johnny Cueto’s stunning debut Thursday, another Reds rookie pitcher impresses today. Edinson Volquez has pitched five innings so far, with seven K’s and one earned run. He’s scattered three hits and two walks.

Sleep: The Red Sox really do need it. Their odyssey from Florida to Japan to California to Toronto is starting to tell, and it’s most readily apparent on defense. Boston has already committed two errors halfway through today’s game. They had two errors yesterday, too, and have racked up a number of sloppy near-errors over the past few games. They have a day off tomorrow and open Fenway Park on Tuesday.

Picking up where my colleague Paul left off, here are some random links – think of them as a pick-me-up:

» That walk-off that Vlade hit last night? Well it meant the world and more to Bootcheck.

» Let’s beat a dead horse. Aaron is bitter because Bonds is chasing his record.

» The O’s are the definition of a c**k-tease.

» What? The Sawks were playin’ the Yanks last night? What?! A-Rod did What?!

» But I thought we liked it when Crazy Lou went at it? What’s a little ump-bumping between friends?

» Last night, in the seventh inning, Brad Penny foresaw his team’s victory in the gooey stuff he had just deposited in the dugout floor before the game. Dodgers won.

» Albert Pujols hit two monster shots that were caught in the grassy knoll in center field (a combined 820 feet) at Minute Maid park. He hit a bomb in his third at-bat that ended up in the right field bleachers.

Edit: Albert Pujols actually hit TWO home runs last night. Oy! (thanx Laura)

For more on Brad Penny’s fly, check out Babes Love Baseball, which broke this story wide open.

Brad Penny on the Block: According to the Rocky Mountain News, “The Dodgers figure to make a major move during spring training, using right-hander Brad Penny as the trade bait.” Penny won 16 games last season and it’s hard to imagine that the Dodgers would consider parting with a pitcher of his talent. Then again, he is a huge jerk.

Penny is one of those pitchers who has never quite seemed to live up to his potential. Last year he started the all-star game, but then fell apart in the second half of the season.

Still, here’s a stat that caught my eye: According to the LA Times, “Penny threw more fastballs 95 mph or faster in 2006 than all other National League starters combined.” Wow. I mean, that’s impressive, right?

Smoltz Overwhelmed by Support: There’s good news if you’re John Smoltz. The bullpen that blew six of your leads last season has been overhauled. But there’s bad news, too. You’re getting a divorce, after 16 years of marriage.

Smoltz won’t give any reasons for his divorce, and the Atlanta media is treating the story with kid gloves. But we at Umpbump have been around long enough (almost one year!) to know that where there’s smoke, there’s fire.  This is the Braves. There’s got to be a Hooters waitress involved somehow.

Liberty, Sweet Liberty: Oh, and while we’re on the subject of the Braves, the team was sold earlier this week, from Time Warner to Liberty Media, pending league approval, of course. The deal amounts to a stock swap and Liberty figures to hang on to the team only long enough to take advantage of a special tax break. Then the company will turn around and sell the team again.

Atlanta Journal-Constitution columnist Mark Bradley, who as far as we know still has a job, writes this week that the braves’ next owner needs to be a savior, a la Ted Turner. Somebody who will grab the team by the balls and shake things up. From the AJC:

I figure the Braves are no worse, and also no better, today than they were the last few seasons. Time Warner didn’t concern itself about baseball, and Liberty Media won’t, either. Liberty Media cares about its tax break. Liberty Media is a caretaker that won’t care much one way or another what happens at Turner Field.

Bottom line: After waiting forever to see this sale consummated, we’ll all get to twiddle our thumbs while another transaction is brokered a year or two from now. And yes, you’re absolutely right: It gets harder and harder to care about professional sports with every passing day.

I think Bradley ought to be careful what he wishes for. After all, the best owners are the ones who just write the checks and get out of the way, right? Arthur Blank, who owns the Atlanta Falcons, tried to buy the Braves recently. Blank is notoriously hands-on and so far has had zero success with the Atlanta football team. So why let him ruin the baseball team, too?

It’s true that the Braves’ payroll has flatlined under Time Warner and that has hindered the team in its attempts to keep pace with the free-spending Mets and Phillies. But, on the other hand, Time Warner understood the need to let GM John Scheurholz and manager Bobby Cox do their jobs free of interference. And Liberty will, too. Blank? Don’t count on it.