When last UmpBump cast its wary eye on Olympic baseball, we were bemused to see that the IOC and something called the “International Baseball Federation” (presumably, the precursor to the United Federation of Planets) had actually changed the rules of the game:

Each team’s at-bat in the 11th inning and beyond will begin with runners on first and second bases. Teams may start the 11th at any point in their batting order under format changes announced Friday…

This transmogrification of the actual rules of baseball was hard enough to swallow. But now we have learned that, in addition to having a communist government with an appalling human rights record and being big ol’ dirty polluters (and worse still, not yet banning UmpBump), the Chinese have failed to instill in their team the proper respect for the sport’s unwritten rules.

In the fifth, top prospect-turned-Olympian Matt LaPorta crashed into catcher Wang Wei, who then, regrettably, had to leave the game. In the sixth, Nate Schierholtz bowled over Wang’s replacement, Yang Yang, while attempting to score on a sac fly. Yang, who was incensed and had to be restrained by teammates from attacking Schierholtz, later went on to score China’s only run of the game on a solo homer and allegedly pimped it in a fashion better suited to a Manny Ramirez walkoff bomb than a 9-1 rout.

China’s manager, who is 1965 Rookie of the Year Jim Lefebvre, argued that Schierholtz’s slide was illegal. However, it was LaPorta who bore the brunt of the Chinese team’s wrath as it was he who was beaned with a pitch in the seventh inning. LaPorta lay on the ground for several minutes before finally leaving the field, and was later diagnosed with a concussion. (By the end of the game, five Americans and two Chinese had been hit by pitches.)

C’mon, China. Your repressive regime and lead-infused toys are bad enough. Do you have to mess up basebrawls too? Everyone knows that in games that count, the runner is honor-bound to try and knock over the catcher. And everyone knows that if a retaliatory pitch is required, it is properly aimed at the ribcage or the backside. If you want the respect of the wider world, you’ll have to do better than this.

The passion frequently displayed by Kevin Youkilis in the batter’s box has been a subject of amusement to fans. As hilarious spoof site Call of the Green Monster will amply demonstrate:

Several Injured During Youkilis Strikeout-Related Temper Tantrum

For Kevin Youkilis, every single at bat is an epic life-and-death struggle, with the fate of the universe seemingly hanging in the balance.  It is a Shakespearian drama, in which the meaning of life, the vagaries of fate, and the inevitability of tragedy loom deeply…

This weekend, that inevitable tragedy struck for the Red Sox as Youkilis was called out on strikes and proceeded to shatter his helmet and break his bat into pieces, sending razor-sharp shards of material flying into the dugout.  Several players were treated for lacerations and bruises…

But apparently, Youk’s teammates don’t find his trademark intensity quite so entertaining. And now, an unnamed Red Sox insider has revealed that it was Youk’s bad attitude after a frustrating at-bat that led to Thursday night’s tussle with Manny Ramirez in the dugout:

“It all happened because Manny complained about Youkilis’ habit of throwing bats, helmets and other objects in the dugout when he has a bad at-bat, something that has become a constant practice,” the source said.

“Other players have told Youkilis in the past about the situation, which makes him look selfish and that he is more worried about each at-bat than about the team. If Boston is winning easily, there’s no reason to throw objects all over the dugout because of a bad at-bat.

“There was a meeting where the team let Youkilis know that many of his teammates were tired of his explosive reactions for each bad plate appearance. It became very bothersome … more so when the team is winning and it’s in first place. There’s not much room for individualistic attitudes.”

Youk, dude, chillax.

Oh my God. It’s Friday! Finally! To give you a sense of where things stand at UmpBump HQ, en route to the office this morning I took a sharp left turn with my cup o’ Joe not properly secured in the cup holder (evidently). Now I have no coffee to drink, and altogether too much coffee soaked into my pants. Never have I needed some TGIF action so badly, and I trust you, loyal readers, feel the same. And here at UmpBump, “action” = “links.”

Rumors and Rants presents the ten worst contracts in baseball today. Guess who Number 1 is?

We didn’t talk about the John Bale story (pitcher on DL frustrated with how rehab is going, punches door with pitching hand, breaks hand) here on UmpBump because we were satisfied with the level of snark at Can’t Stop the Bleeding. Obviously, he didn’t have the Crash Davis tutorial on not hitting doors with your pitching hand. (I can’t keep giving you these free lessons!)

Rob Parker of the Detroit News says “like him or not, the Tigers need Bonds.” I disagree, given that the Tigers are actually third in the AL in runs scored and in the top five in every important offensive category. The problem for Detroit is that they’ve allowed the most runs of any AL Team—yes, even more than the Rangers. I fail to see how signing Barry Bonds is going to change that. But I guess we have to have thirty different versions of the article, “Team X needs to sign Barry Bonds,” no matter how silly some of those are.

Speaking of Bonds, he helped start this recent trend of using maple bats, which can be dangerous when they shatter (see photo). I’m an ash bat purist, so I was glad to see Jeff Passan’s article calling for the end of maple bats at Yahoo! Sports. (Hat tip to ShysterBall.)

Brawl! Since bench-clearing brawls are officially one of the reasons baseball is awesome, Babes Love Baseball has the video (in slo mo!) of Richie Sexson going after Kason Gabbard for throwing a high pitch. When I saw Sexson fling the helmet at Gabbard, and Gabbard promptly curl up in the fetal position on the pitcher’s mound, I knew I was watching an instant classic. The rest of the brawl is just gravy.

Ladies… has the goods on Carlos Gomez in the wake of his hitting-for-the-cycle performance. How you doin’?

Bill Plaschke tries to clarify whether Vin Scully is retiring or not. I came away with a new determination to watch all the Dodgers games this year on MLB.TV, just in case.

And Pinstripe Alley and River Ave Blues would both like to know why all the fuss about Joba’s fist pump. Seriously, a fist-pump controversy? That seems a bit much, even to this Boston fan. Try getting yourselves a shortstop on pace for 45 errors on the season, then tell me about controversy. I would love to hear the ululating in New York if Julio Lugo played for the Yankees. (Mostly because that would mean Julio Lugo was playing for the Yankees.)

And to wrap it up, Soxaholix presents: Youkalicious!

Know something I should be reading? Let me know!

On a night when Bobby Cox set the major league record for most ejections in a career, Jose Offerman actually managed to one-up him with an ejection of his own. By charging the mound. With a bat. Hitting both the opposing pitcher and catcher. And getting arrested.

After finding himself out of a job in MLB following the 2005 season, Offerman began playing in the independent Atlantic League and joined the Long Island Ducks this year. But last night, as the Ducks played visitors to the Bridgeport Bluefish, Offerman turned himself into the unwanted guest  after he was hit in the leg by a pitch from Matt Beech. Perhaps considering it to be a dangerous retaliation for a homerun he had hit in the first inning, Offerman snapped and ran towards Beech with a bat in hand, ultimately striking Beech in the hand and Bridgeport catcher John Nathans (I’m assuming accidentally)  in the head.

Needless to say, Offerman wasn’t allowed to stay in the game after that. Adding insult to his injury, the pitcher Beech was ejected as well despite the bat to the hand along with Bridgeport manager and former major leaguer Tommy John. But it was Offerman who was arrested by Bridgeport police for the incident. He posted bond soon after and there is still no word on the physical conditions of either Beech or Nathans.

Now I love a good mound brawl as much as the next guy. Some of my favorite moments in baseball include Nolan Ryan putting Robin Ventura in a headlock, and of course, who could forget the Chan Ho Park dropkick on Tim Belcher. But dude, if you’re going to charge the mound, leave your bat. It’s the gentlemanly thing to do.

This is the kind of thing that doesn’t happen nearly often enough in baseball. According to ESPN.com, Blue Jays manager John Gibbons challenged 3B Shea Hillenbrand to a fight shortly before the Jays cut Hillenbrand on Wednesday.

Gibbons has acknowledged that he challenged Hillenbrand to a fight, saying, “He had a chance yesterday to defend himself in front of his coaches and his teammates. He chose not to.”

Apparently, Hillenbrand had gotten in the habbit of writing inspirational messages on the team bulletin board, the most recent of which said, “The ship is sinking.” Gibbons didn’t take kindly to the sentiment.

If the front office felt differently than he wins and I lose, and I would be the one out of here,” Gibbons said. “I mean it. It was either him or me.”

Asked if Hillenbrand did it because he wanted out, Gibbons said: “I know he wanted to get out. That’s no secret. To be honest I don’t think he really wanted to be here for the last two years.”

“You’re either with us or you’re not,” he said. “He got his wish. It’s that simple.”

The only thing that could have made this story any better is if Hillenbrand and Gibbons actually did duke it out, a la Rocky vs. Tommy Gun in Rocky V.

And the prospect of a dugout brawl got me thinking: what other baseball players would I like to see come to blows? Of course, there will never be another Pedro vs. Zimmerman. But here’s a list of fights that would be fun to watch:

1. A-Rod vs. Curt Schilling. I don’t particularly care for A-Rod. He’s always seemed like a guy who takes himself just a little too seriously. But if A-Rod strapped on a set and beat the snot out of Curt, and then winked at the portly pitcher as he was lying on the ground, bleeding profusely from his anke, I think I would like him a lot more. A LOT MORE.

2. David Wells vs. Bob Wickman. Because, I’m pretty sure they’re the same person. It would be just like watching the Coors Light twins slap each other around, except, you know, totally different, because these are fat, bald men with awful facial hair.

3. Barry Bonds vs. Ken Griffey Jr. Griffey takes Bonds to task for ruining the game and stealing his spotlight. “I should have been the greatest!” Griffey screams at Bonds as he sweeps Bonds’ leg and delivers a flying elbow to Bonds’ chest cavity.

Which baseball fights would you like to see happen?