Time for another addition of fantasy fun. In this chapter, Paul returns from Japan, Sarah clinches a playoff birth, Alejandro squeaks by and Coley accepts his fate.

Sarah: The Somerville Green Sox clinched a playoff spot this week with a resounding 12-0 win over the long-dormant “caitlin grace” squad, who is apparently so lazy she cannot even capitalize her team name, much less be bothered to alter her roster–her active roster still includes Victor Martinez (DL), Khalil Greene (DL), Casey Kotchman (NA), Rafael Furcal (DL), Chris Young (DL), Dustin McGowan (DL), and Franklin Morales (NA). But hey, I ain’t complainin’. My team was smokin’ hot this week, racking up 7 saves, 117 total bases, 52 K’s, and so on. Plus my averages were pretty good too: .352 OBP, 2.51 ERA, 1.03 WHIP, 3.25 K/BB. The only scary moment came when Ian Kinsler flirted with season-ending surgery (he’s now set to return to the lineup sometime early in September). I’ve picked up Mike Aviles in the meantime. Hot: Everyone, but especially Vernon Wells. Not: No one. There were only people who were slightly less than totally scorching. It was that kind of week.

Coley: I know how my team is bad. I just can’t figure out why. Why was this the season when Aaron Harang went from reliable horse to hittable mule? Why did Josh Beckett and Carlos Lee have to get injured as soon as I traded for them? Why did Brett Myers and Oliver Perez start so terribly? And why does my team, which is probably the strongest team I’ve ever had on paper, continue to lose? How can a pitching staff with Beckett, Harden, Dice-K and a resurgent Myers be so bad? How can an offense led by Alfonso Soriano, Hanley Ramirez, Mark Teixeira, Connor Jackson and Vlad Guerrero be so meh? I will be forever haunted by this fantasy season. Hot: Bengie Molina, Mark Teixeira, Vlad Guerrero, Rich Harden, Brett Myers. Not: Brandon Lyon, Jason Giambi.

Paul: Be honored. I just got back to my apartment after being in Japan for the last week. And what do I do first? I come to my laptop and type up my (albeit belated) fantasy post. And while I do love my fantasy baseball, I have to admit that I paid no mind at all this past week since I just didn’t have the time to be changing lineups and checking results. And whenever I’m in Japan, my priority first and foremost is food. Lots and lots of food. Anyhow I just saw the results from this past week about ten minutes ago and I was pleasantly surprised that my team didn’t need any attention whatsoever, winning my week 11-1 against Ania and her team with the really long name. But it’s a bummer that both Justin Duchscherer and George Sherrill hit the DL without me knowing. Now I’ve gotta play some catch-up on the waiver wire. Word to your mutha. Hot: Brian Roberts, David Wright, Matt Holliday, Cliff Lee. Not: Kosuke Fukudome, Troy Tulowitzki, my team’s necessity for a manager that pays attention.

Alejandro: Another week, another narrow victory over one of the two cellar-dwelling teams in the UmpBump Fantasy League. Freebase my balls is second to last, and only because caitlin grace (what’s up with inproper capitalization guys?) doesn’t bother anymore. And still, my Center Field Stud barely wins 6-5. It was so bad, I lost in the Stolen Base category 2-1. The offense was there, especially now that I know Alexei Ramirez will win ROTY (yes, Paul, Longoria posted the numbers, but he’s hurt). I have a hole in left field since Carl Crawford went down, and Garret Anderson’s hit streak is useless in our league. A big shout out to Mike Pelfrey who pitched two consecutive complete games (even though the second one counts towards this week). Hot: A.J. Pierzynksi, Alexei Ramirez, Jermaine Dye (live and die by the White Sox, eh CF Stud?), Yunel Escobar, Tim “no contest” Lincecum, Manny Parra, Mike Pelfrey, Kerry Wood, B.J. Ryan. Not: Jon Garland, Vicente Padilla, Garret Anderson, Josh Hamilton, Magglio Ordoñez.

The Orioles are currently in last place, seven games behind the first place Red Sox and two games under .500. And while most teams would get discouraged by a record like that, I think even the Orioles brass would admit that things could be a lot worse.

When your starting lineup features an aging Melvin Mora (who must be exhausted from raising all those kids), Kevin Millar (who should be filling in for John Kruk on Baseball Tonight by now), and Aubrey Huff (who loves Bubba the Love Sponge but hates Baltimore, hon), you know you’ve got a few holes to fill.

So, we can’t really talk about Baltimore’s needs by position. Outside of CF Adam Jones and RF Nick Markakis, Baltimore pretty much needs a complete overhaul.

They’re starting with the uniforms, but what the O’s really need is to continue the rebuilding effort that they started in the offseason, when they traded ace Erik Bedard for Jones. The next player to go should be Brian Roberts, who will never be more valuable than he is now. Roberts is a premier second baseman, for sure. But he’s a player whose value is closely tied to his speed. He stole 50 bases last season and is on pace for that many stolen bases this season. Think the 30-year-old will keep it up? Me neither. Baltimore needs to trade Roberts now, before he starts to slow down and his value drops precipitously.

We know the Cubs are interested in Roberts. As the deadline approaches, don’t be surprised to see the Mets or White Sox make offers. Baltimore should shop Roberts and then pull the trigger on a trade. Because while Roberts is quality, Baltimore needs quantity.

-What They Need Index-

Somewhere out there, a very confused bobblehead manufacturer is thinking to herself, “Brian Roberts. The guy’s got 22 steals. What do you mean he’s not black?”

It seems there was a little mix-up. The Chinese company that produced the Brian Roberts bobblehead doll didn’t mix its paint right. The dolls showed up to Camden Yards a few shades too dark.

“It didn’t look like Brian Roberts. The coloring was bad,” Orioles spokesman Bill Stetka said. “I didn’t actually see it. I’ve heard various versions that it was very dark and bluish.”

The team returned the entire shipment of 20,000 Roberts dolls, which they had planned to hand out Saturday. Instead of bobbleheads, all fans who attend the game against the Texas Rangers will be given vouchers that they can use to pick up more accurate Roberts dolls at Camden Yards after Sept. 1. The team may end up giving away more than 20,000 dolls because of the mistake, Stetka said.

Hopefully, the next set of dolls will be a little bit more realistic, like the Barry Bonds bobblehead. Now that’s craftsmanship. Looks just like the real thing. Look at the proportional head!