So many hats

I’ve been going crazy lately buying presents. Two weeks ago it was Mother’s Day. Tomorrow it’s my dad’s birthday. Two days after that my sister graduates from college. And two weeks after that it’s Father’s Day.

For Mother’s Day, I got by with flowers. I’m not sure what to get my sister for graduation, but I’m not sweating it too much since she still hasn’t even attempted to watch the “Flight of the Conchords: Season 1″ DVD I bought her for her birthday.

Then there’s dad. Last year, I got him a t-shirt that said, “100 percent Butch,” which was funny, because his name is Butch. But he doesn’t wear it, because I think he’s afraid that people wouldn’t get the joke. And he’s probably right.

So this year, I figured maybe I’d get dad a hat from his favorite baseball team. I went online to mlb.com and…well…that’s where I ran into problems. There are so many different hats, it’s hard to know where to start.

Of course, there’s the classic fitted team cap. You can’t go wrong here. The only problem with this kind of hat is that 1. you need to know the hat size of the person you’re buying for and 2. fitted hats are a bummer to break in. Still, there’s nothing cooler than an official team hat.

Well, ok, a fitted retro hat is maybe just a little bit cooler. This Red Sox replica 1946-1951 cap looks like it should be worn while eating Jell-O casserole and watching The Jetsons. It stays true to the team’s colors and honors its past. I love everything about it.

But maybe you’re not stuck in the past. Maybe you’re all about the here and now. In that case, this batting practice cap is for you. Personally, I don’t know why anybody finds the vents above the ears necessary, attractive or otherwise compelling, but to each his own.

What if you want a hat that’s just a little more awesome? There’s always this Rangers cap, which looks like it was designed by C.J. Wilson himself. I can just picture the conversation, where C.J. approached the MLB marketing people and said, “Look, bra, I just need a cap that’s a little more, you know, extreme! You know?” Oh C.J., if only you could channel just a little bit of that extremeness into, oh, I dunno, not sucking? Would that be so hard?

What if you’re looking for a hat that’s equally intense, but a little less straight-edge? You might consider the Phillies warfare cap. This cap serves two purposes, marking the wearer as somebody of singular badassery and also expressing an appreciation of the seriousness of the situation. The person who wears this hat is making the statement, “Of course I’m wearing black – I’m a Phillies fan.”

Then there’s this Cubs white New Era cap, that would seem to be marketed for people who enjoy spinning rhymes. Note: the tall buildings in the background give this cap a more urban feel. This “lid” is meant to be worn with a flat brim, and with stickers and tags intact. Word.

If you’re looking for a hat that is a little less urban and a little more suburban, you might consider this white Orioles number, which would go great with khakis, a matching white, cotton oxford shirt, sleeves rolled and top three buttons undone. And sandals. Gotta have the sandals.

There are a few hat styles that I just can’t support. There’s the Abercrombie-wannabe, already-broken-in hat that comes pre-torn. Here’s an Oakland Athletics hat that only a Giambi brother could love. I can just picture Jason walking around the clubhouse in nothing but this hat and his gold tiger-print thong, talking about how fast his boat is.

Then there’s the pink hat, which we’ve discussed on Umpbump before. The pink hat – loathed for its wussy color and for the bandwagon-hopping female fans it has come to represent – is a favorite of Fenway femmes. And it is laaaame. Featured here is the Cleveland Indians’ pink cap, which manages to be both lame and racist. Nice.

Next, there’s the camo hat, which Sarah defends and I just embrace. I’m all for supporting the troops, but can’t we find a way that’s a little less…gaudy? I think we need to try.

Finally, we have this monstrosity:

It blends elements from all of our offending caps. It’s a pre-torn, pink, camo monstrosity. May God have mercy on any “fan” who dare don this disaster.

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