Barry Bonds does it all for the children

Barry Bonds’ dislike of the media has been well documented. He doesn’t like us, we don’t like him. But that doesn’t matter to Barry. He doesn’t hit home runs for our benefit. He does it for the children.

Recently, a reporter asked Bonds if he would like the ball back after he hits 757. Bonds said no. Then, as if to emphasize his lack of nostalgia, he told a little story.

From the Philadelphia Inquirer:

“I had a little kid come up to me and tell me he’d give the ball back to me,” Bonds said with a laugh. “I said, ‘Are you stupid? You’d have more money than your parents.’ “

What a great anecdote! I’m all warm and fuzzy!

Inquirer reporter Jim Salisbury points out that there’s no way to know if this story is true, or whether it’s something Bonds cooked up for PR purposes. Bonds refused to say when this exchange took place, so there’s reason to think it never did.

On the other hand, if you were going to invent a story in order to make people like you, would your story end with you calling a child stupid? Probably not.

Listening to Bonds tell his story got me thinking about how Bonds would act with kids in other situations. The mind reels.

Barry Bonds as Jerry McGuire

Ray: Did you know the human head weighs eight pounds?

Barry: Are you stupid? Look at my head. This thing has to weigh at least 15-20 pounds. It’s all I can do to keep it from falling over. And look at that giant melon you’re carrying around. You’re just a kid and already your dome’s gotta be 10 pounds, and that’s before you slop all that gel in your hair!

Barry Bonds as Babe Ruth

Little Johnny Sylvester: Mr. Bonds, thanks for visiting me in the hospital. I’m oh so sick (cough, cough). Would you hit a home run for me?

Bonds: Look, kid, I’ve got enough to worry about. I’ve got a federal grand jury getting ready to indict me. Canseco is coming out with a new book. And if you hadn’t noticed, I’m trying to make history here. If I’m going to hit a home run, I’m doing it for me. Barry worries about Barry, and that’s it. I know you’re dying an all, but are you stupid?

Barry Bonds meets Anne Frank

Anne: Barry, I’m hiding these poor Jewish people from the Nazis. Could I hide a few of them in your mansion? You’ve got so much room.

Barry: Let me get this straight. There’s a reward out there for all these Jews, and you could totally cash in if you’d just give them up. Not only that, but if you get caught hiding them, you’re toast. Are you stupid?

Barry Bonds meets Hellen Keller

Barry: I can’t understand a word you’re saying. And why are you moving your fingers around like that? Do you have a cramp? What’s wrong with you? Are you stupid?