Oh my God. It’s Friday! Finally! To give you a sense of where things stand at UmpBump HQ, en route to the office this morning I took a sharp left turn with my cup o’ Joe not properly secured in the cup holder (evidently). Now I have no coffee to drink, and altogether too much coffee soaked into my pants. Never have I needed some TGIF action so badly, and I trust you, loyal readers, feel the same. And here at UmpBump, “action” = “links.”

Rumors and Rants presents the ten worst contracts in baseball today. Guess who Number 1 is?

We didn’t talk about the John Bale story (pitcher on DL frustrated with how rehab is going, punches door with pitching hand, breaks hand) here on UmpBump because we were satisfied with the level of snark at Can’t Stop the Bleeding. Obviously, he didn’t have the Crash Davis tutorial on not hitting doors with your pitching hand. (I can’t keep giving you these free lessons!)

Rob Parker of the Detroit News says “like him or not, the Tigers need Bonds.” I disagree, given that the Tigers are actually third in the AL in runs scored and in the top five in every important offensive category. The problem for Detroit is that they’ve allowed the most runs of any AL Team—yes, even more than the Rangers. I fail to see how signing Barry Bonds is going to change that. But I guess we have to have thirty different versions of the article, “Team X needs to sign Barry Bonds,” no matter how silly some of those are.

Speaking of Bonds, he helped start this recent trend of using maple bats, which can be dangerous when they shatter (see photo). I’m an ash bat purist, so I was glad to see Jeff Passan’s article calling for the end of maple bats at Yahoo! Sports. (Hat tip to ShysterBall.)

Brawl! Since bench-clearing brawls are officially one of the reasons baseball is awesome, Babes Love Baseball has the video (in slo mo!) of Richie Sexson going after Kason Gabbard for throwing a high pitch. When I saw Sexson fling the helmet at Gabbard, and Gabbard promptly curl up in the fetal position on the pitcher’s mound, I knew I was watching an instant classic. The rest of the brawl is just gravy.

Ladies… has the goods on Carlos Gomez in the wake of his hitting-for-the-cycle performance. How you doin’?

Bill Plaschke tries to clarify whether Vin Scully is retiring or not. I came away with a new determination to watch all the Dodgers games this year on MLB.TV, just in case.

And Pinstripe Alley and River Ave Blues would both like to know why all the fuss about Joba’s fist pump. Seriously, a fist-pump controversy? That seems a bit much, even to this Boston fan. Try getting yourselves a shortstop on pace for 45 errors on the season, then tell me about controversy. I would love to hear the ululating in New York if Julio Lugo played for the Yankees. (Mostly because that would mean Julio Lugo was playing for the Yankees.)

And to wrap it up, Soxaholix presents: Youkalicious!

Know something I should be reading? Let me know!

Dear Curt,

I read on your blog, 38 Pitches, that you’ve decided to play one more season in Boston. That’s great news! You’ve had a great career and you deserve to finish it in the city where you’ve had your greatest success.I also read that there’s a weight clause in your new contract and that you’ll be working hard this offseason to lose weight and get in shape.

I’m writing to encourage you to make that weight loss quest public. In light of today’s release of the Mitchell Report, your struggle with weight gain takes on new meaning. You’ve got a blog — use it to tell the story of a baseball player who is working hard to succeed au natural. Show us before and after pictures and workout videos. Do whatever you can to remind young ballplayers that baseball is all about hard work and playing (and training) the right way.

As an added benefit, publicizing your diet will only bring you closer to your fans, especially those who have struggled with weight loss.

Moreover, it will be a great excuse to dive into multimedia. Compared to other athletes, you’ve always been ahead of the game when it comes to technology. But you’ve never been one to take advantage of graphics — at least not on 38 Pitches.  This is your chance. Photos, Curt! Photos!

Sincerely,

Umpbump

1. How many innings does Schilling have to pitch to qualify for his $3 million?

2. We’ve already written about the “weight clause” in Schilling’s new deal. But nowhere has it been stated that Schilling must lose weight, simply that he will be weighed six times throughout the season.

For all we know, the clause could basically say that he needs to stay under 350lbs or something. This way, Boston looks good by not guaranteeing him more than $8 million and Schilling can look good by not demanding more guaranteed money AND making it seem like he gives a rat’s ass about conditioning.

So what’s the deal, Curt? Are you really gonna slim down? Or is this all just a clever ploy?

3. If Schilling is going to lose weight, how is he going to do it? Slim Fast? The South Beach Diet? Or just good old fashioned exercise?

Will his weight loss adventure be the subject of a future reality show, to be broadcast on MLB.TV? Will we be treated to blog post after blog post about how Mr. Bloody Sock is sooooo craving chocolate right now?

My guess is Schilling hires a personal trainer, which I would totally do if I had millions of dollars. I guess it’s a little lame to pay a guy to yell at you while you strain to touch your toes, but whatever it takes, right?

Just as long as Schilling doesn’t get the same guy Tony Gwynn hired.

NOTE: ESPN.COM says “Schilling would get a $375,000 bonus for pitching 130 innings, and an additional $375,000 for every 10-inning increment up to 200. He also will have the random weigh-ins, one per month, and get $333,333 each time he maintains his weight.”

Of course, that still doesn’t tell us what weight Schilling is expected to maintain. The problem wasn’t that Schilling got fatter as the 2007 season went on. It was that he showed up fat and stayed fat.

UPDATE: As a few commenters pointed out, Tom Verducci reports, “Schilling will get bonus money based on periodic weigh-ins. To collect he must be no heavier than 230 pounds, a weight he’s had trouble staying under in recent years.”

The hopes and dreams of Red Sox fans are finally being realized. J.D. Drew is coming.

After much wrangling over the fine print, Drew and the Sox settled on a contract yesterday. The contract includes language that would allow the Sox to opt out of guaranteed money in 2010 and 2011 if a specified pre-existing injury recurs.

In other words, if Drew’s shoulder falls off, the Sox can cut him loose.

The deal will pay Jizzle Dizzle $14 million a season. That’s a $3 million annual raise, compared to what he was making with the Dodgers. Drew opted out of his Dodgers contract after last season.

Everybody wins with this contract. Drew gets more money than he would have made with the Dodgers and the potential for more years. Boras gets Drew the contract he promised him. The Red Sox get some peace of mind.

The only people that lose are the fans. They’re stuck with Drew for the next 3-5 years.

Personally, I’ve already got standing room seats for the Red Sox preseason game against the Devil Rays in Tampa on March 24th. The standing room section is along the right field line. J.D., if you plan on roaming right field that day, you better plan on wearing you macintosh and galloshes, because the boos are gonna be raining down. We’re talking monsoon season, baby.

In honor of his signing day, here are the top five things that piss me off about J.D. Drew:

5. His agent is Scott Boras.

4. He’s always hurt.

3. His name is David Jonathan Drew, but he goes by J.D. and not D.J.

2. Drew sat out a season, rather than play for anything less than $10 million per.

1. In 1999, when Drew made his first visit to Veteran’s stadium and fans pelted him with batteries, he didn’t have the decency to stand still.