Today ESPN reports something that many Red Sox fans already took for granted: Big Papi is perfect.

According to the world wide leader, “Boston designated hitter David Ortiz became the seventh player to earn a perfect 100 in the annual statistical compilation issued Wednesday by the Elias Sports Bureau, which uses a formula players and owners negotiated in 1981.”

What does that mean, exactly? Damned if I know. All the story says is that, “The formula for the rankings was determined by players and owners as part of their 1981 strike settlement.” Why did they devise the formula? What does the formula help decide? These are questions for which I do not have answers (I’ll let Paul or Nick answer them in the comments section). But I gotta tell ya, I’ve got my doubts about any formula that says that Mike Lowell had a better season than A-Rod. I love ya, Mike. Love the eyebrows. But let’s be real.

Regardless of its significance, one thing the perfect 100 statistical ranking is good for is sparking conversation. And so I leave you with the text of an email discussion that went down this morning, between Paul, Sarah and Nick. Enjoy.

(But first, some context: while Paul and Sarah chatter amicably over the internets, they have never met)

To: Umpbump Staff
From: Paul
Subject: I can hear Sarah laughing already…
And I have no idea what she sounds like. So… That’s kind of odd.
http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=3088975

To: Umpbump Staff
From: Sarah
Subject: Re: I can hear Sarah laughing already…
like this: BAHAHAHAHA. except i think, on this particular occasion, that a more evil, snide, “muahahahahHAHAHAHA!” is appropriate. of course big papi is perfect. this is news to some people?? and folks said he was having an “off year.” fools. fools!

To: Umpbump Staff
From: Paul
Subject: Re: Re: I can hear Sarah laughing already…
i was talking more about Lowell rating higher than A-Rod

To: Umpbump Staff
From: Sarah
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: I can hear Sarah laughing already…
Oh. Yeah. That too.
Mark my words, those Yankees are going to come a-calling for Mikey Lowell. They are going to offer him a lot of money and more years than they should, and they are going to try and crowbar him away from the Red Sox.

To: Umpbump Staff
From: Nick
Subject: Re: Re: Re: I can hear Sarah laughing already…
Mike Lowell rates higher than A-Rod because that crazy system was designed in 1981 and loves batting average more than anything. Hence Ortiz scoring 100 because his average was way up this year. The system also loves RBI, SB, and fielding percentage, but it doesn’t even consider runs scored, OBP, or caught stealing, let alone WARP3.

To: Umpbump Staff
From: Sarah
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: I can hear Sarah laughing already…
“Captain, the Romulan craft is hailing us.”
“Open a channel, Worf.”
“Captain Picard, we seek only to pass peacefully through this quadrant.”
“Captain, he’s hiding something.”
“Thank you, Troi. Worf, get us out of here. WARP3.”

To: Umpbump Staff
From: Paul
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: I can hear Sarah laughing already…
Sarah, I know you’re mocking us for being geeks. But it’s very bold of you to mock us geeks by quoting Star Trek.

To: Umpbump Staff
From: Sarah
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: I can hear Sarah laughing already…
I am nothing if not bold. All those hours of TNG (all those VHS tapes of TNG still in my parents’ attic!) did not go for naught.

This hot-stove season’s 3rd base free agent pool has already been the subject of much debate, thanks to one Alexander Emmanuel Rodriguez. Then there’s the other premiere free agent third baseman on the market—one Michael Averett Lowell, better known as Mike. And after that, well, we have…the rest. All of them, coincidentally (or maybe not coincidentally, come to think of it) hail from the National League, and most are light-hitting utility infielder-types in their thirties. Yikes. Teams who don’t have a great 3B under contract already and who don’t win the A-Rod/Mike Lowell sweepstakes may well be SOL.

The options:

Jeff Cirillo of Arizona These days, he’s another mid-200’s hitter with good defense, but approaching old-as-hills status at 38.

Aaron (Bleepin’) Boone of Florida Last season, he spent more time at first, and more time on the DL, but provided he can stay healthy he could probably move back across the diamond with little difficulty (if “little difficulty” means “the same high error totals we’ve come to expect from Aaron Bleepin’ Boone”). He can still hit, but his power has been gone since the steroids crackdown. One day, Tim Wakefield will find him where he sleeps.

Mike Lamb of Houston Not a bad option—he hit .289 this season with a .366 OBP. No great shakes, defensively. 32 years old.

Corey Koskie of Milwaukee Didn’t play this year after suffering a concussion on the field in 2006. The Brewers declined to exercise his 2008 option, as their hot corner will be anchored for the foreseeable future by Rookie of the Year candidate Ryan Braun. If he can make a comeback, he’ll still be a bottom-of-the-order type guy. Plus, he’s 34 already. Theoretically, he could work as a defensive replacement. Alas, this is complicated by the fact that he’s never really played any position except third. I’m guessing the Brewers are planning on making Braun take grounders 6 days a week for the next four months. He could well end up a non-roster invitee.

Abraham Nunez of Philadelphia Great defensive range, but another light-hitting 31-year-old.

Russell Branyan of St. Louis Strikes out three times as much as he walks and finished the season hitting under the Mendoza line. 31 years old. Defensively, more of a utilityman than a real third baseman.

Pedro Feliz of San Francisco Of third basemen with enough at-bats to qualify, this guy was last in the majors in OBP. However, he’s among the top 5 in defenisve ability. 32 years old.

Tony Batista of Washington Another mediocre utility infielder in his mid-30s who hits in the mid-.200s. Yawn.

Geoff Blum of San Diego Ditto, but better on defense.