Dear UmpBumpers,

If you like baseball and you use Facebook, chances are you’ve seen the Bleacher Report’s ad for bloggers. The ad, when clicked upon, brings you here. If you click on MLB, on the front page you’ll see the headline “Ellsbury on the Fast Track” posted by an Alex Potter:

Of course, I had already read this headline. And as it turns out, I’d already read Mr. Potter’s article, too.

That article, which appears on The Bleacher Report under Mr. Potter’s byline, was actually written by Dan Shaughnessy and appeared in yesterday’s Boston Globe. Word for word.

Looking to see if the Bleacher Report had participated in other incidents of plagiarism, I Googled “Bleacher Report” and “plagiarism.” It turns out that BR has—but from the other side, when a writer at the Sporting News copied something from them. The Bleacher Report is “open source,” so “Alex Potter” may just be operating on his own. Nonetheless, you’ve got to think they would have some way of filtering what gets posted on their site—not to would just open them to legal troubles, no? Even if it’s just a spambot…why would 400,000 people a month read a blog that was written by spambots?

And on the blog’s “About” page, they claim that “every contribution bears the stamp of its writer’s personal convictions” (unless of course they bear the stamp of someone else’s unattributed personal convictions) and that “each submission is edited and rated by the Bleacher Report user-base, allowing individual writers to hone their skills and ensuring that the best analysis gets featured on the site.” I guess this means Dan Shaugnessy’s writing is good enough to be featured on a blog. That’s good news for Dan…but I’m sure he wishes it was under his own byline.

Oddly, in a bizarre coincidence, I wrote a column about a year ago that was very similar to one written by Dan Shaughnessy. Only mine was published about a week before Dan’s appeared. I wrote up some tips for a new Red Sox player to welcome J.D. Drew to town, and Shaughnessy wrote up some tips for a new Red Sox player to welcome Daisuke Matsuzaka. After first reading Shaughnessy’s column, I was out for blood—the similarities between the two, I was convinced, were proof enough of Dan’s nefarious intent! (Twirls mustache, or female mustache-equivalent.) But then I realized a) it wasn’t a very original idea and b) the likelihood that someone who grew up reading Shaughnessy’s columns would somehow finagle their way into his brain and think of his ideas before he did is much likelier than the notion that Dan Shaugnessy reads a fishwrap—it’s a term of endearment!—like the Metro, much less lift and idea from it. Coincidences do happen.

I guess that’s just by way of saying, sportswriting ain’t academia, folks, but word-for-word copying is never cool. Why anyone would plagiarize anything in this age of Googlability beats the heck outta me.

A very puzzled,

Sarah

Is it opening day yet? Because there’s only so much that one can write about games that don’t count. Thank god for Mia and Nomar popping out those babies and Steinbrenner excommunicating his son-in-law, or else this blog might have gone out of business entirely.

And if you think I’m the only person stretching for storylines in this last weekend of spring training, check this out.

Yesterday, the Boston Globe’s story stealing Dan Shaughnessy wrote an entire column about a media lunch with Daisuke Matsuzaka. What did we learn?

When the waitress came around, Matsuzaka said, “Iced tea, please,” in English, then “crunchy chicken wrap, cole slaw,” again in English.

He has great posture and perfect manners. He kept his napkin on his lap at all times and did not start eating until everyone at the table was served. He drank his iced tea through a straw.

Thanks Dan. That’s info I couldn’t have lived without.

Then there’s the LA Times’ Steve Springer and Bill Shaikin, who today bring us the story of new Dodger Luis Gonzalez, who apparently got lost on his way to the ballpark.

Outfielder Luis Gonzalez, signed as a free agent in the off-season, was shaking his head as he stood as his locker stall Thursday evening after his drive to Dodger Stadium.

“I don’t know how many interstates I was on,” he said. “I’m glad I have a navigation system.”

Interstates? Where had Gonzalez come from?

“Manhattan Beach.

Maybe that story is funnier if you’re from L.A. But I doubt it.

Finally, we’ve got the biggest ink waster of them all, the guy who prints song lyrics at the end of his blog posts, Atlanta Journal Constitution reporter David O’Brien, who brings us not one, but TWO crazy stories about Andruw Jones. The first one involves a clever batting practice jersey:

By the way, Andruw took batting practice wearing a jersey with “Dos Cinco” instead of his name above his No. 25. I’ll be stunned if he’s wearing it when they come back on the field for the game.

That won’t fly with Bobby, who doesn’t even let players wear their sunglasses on top of their hats when they’re taking batting practice. But for B.P., on the last day of spring in Florida, and with Andruw, the manager let it slide.

Wow. That would almost be cool if it hadn’t already been done.

Then there’s this story of an exchange between Jones and Braves manager Bobby Cox that had O’Brien “just about on the floor, laughing so hard”:

A few of us are talking to Bobby Cox in the dugout and Andruw comes off the field during batting practice to get a drink of water.

“Play short today?” he asks Cox, the 1,000th or so time that Andruw has asked the manager about the possibility of the Gold Glove center fielder getting to play shortstop, where Andruw often takes ground balls in batting practice.

“Free agent year, I don’t think I should,” Cox says, laughing.

“[Bleep] free agent,” Jones answers, and spits out a mouthful of water. “It don’t mean nothing.”

Cox laughs and says, “That’s what I say. We’re on the same page, Andruw.”

I guess you had to be there.

Seriously, is it time for real baseball yet?

So the Matsuzaka deal is taking up half the front page of the Boston Globe today. I start to read, and then flip to the sports pages to finish the story. And what do I see there, but Dan Shaughnessy’s column.

Shaughnessy is a controversial figure in the Boston sports world. He’s been writing for the Globe for a million years. He’s written some bestselling books. And when I was growing up, I totally idolized him. Now I don’t know if he changed, or if I did, but in recent years his writing seems to have gotten a whole lot more negative. The conventional wisdom is that Shaughnessy never met a player he didn’t want to rip (except Ortiz and Varitek, and even then I’m sure he’d do it if he thought he could without an angry mob picking him up and throwing him in the Charles); he himself accounts for about a third of the negativity in Boston’s famously ornery baseball media, with another third going to WEEI and the remainder divided amongst the Herald columnists. But while Dan used to be quite popular in Beantown, his vitriol has turned him into something of a lightning rod.

And today, he sinks to a new low: ripping off lowly Metro columnist Sarah Green. Honestly, Dan. I know sports journalism isn’t known for ingenuity, but “PR advice for new Red Sox player” was my idea first. As in, eight whole days ago.

What new and original ideas are you going to come up with next? Ballplayers’ bad facial hair? Yeesh.

So, yeah. I filed this column with the Boston Metro last week. If I can just take a page from an old college professor for a moment and quote myself (sorry):

I don’t know what the opposite of pennant fever is, but I’ve got it. Playing-out-the-schedule Syndrome? Seasonal Ineffective Disorder? Offseasonitis?

[...]

We’ll no doubt be returning to the Red Sox like moths to the flame by Opening Day — well, to be honest, by the time that pitchers and catchers report — but right now, we’re feeling burned.

I would just like to say that with the return of the Red Sox lineup to the Red Sox lineup (Varitek, Ortiz, Nixon, and Manny have all come back in the past couple of days), I too have returned—mothlike to the flame. About five months early. I still feel burned, but I’ve slathered some aloe on that biznitch and I’m ready to rock n roll (just like Timlin–see above).

Yes, Red Sox, you treat me like crap! You forget my birthday! You never, ever call when you say you will! But I love you! Don’t leave me! Take me back!

Dan Shaughnessy and Eric Wilbur and many another sourpuss can keep their “Slow down, be realistic, shyah right and monkeys might fly out of my butt” attiudes. There will be plenty of long, cold, dark winter months with no baseball to turn to—why shouldn’t I squeeze every last drop of elation/despair out of summer’s remaining weeks? After all, you can’t be afraid to love. If I may quote Natasha Bedingfield, “Live your life with arms wide open!” And if you get hurt, so be it. After all, if I may quote the Eagles, “We may lose and we may win, but we will never be here again.” I just can’t say it any better than that, sports fans. Tis better to have foolishly believed your team could still make the playoffs and lost than to never have foolishly believed your team could still make the playoffs at all. That’s my motto. And I’m not alone.

And in the likely event that the Sox don’t make the playoffs…well, it’s always better to win than to lose. And at this point, we’ll take whatever pickins we can get—no matter how slim they are.