David Wells has diabetes. And while it’s a serious disease and shouldn’t be taken lightly, the idea of Wells having to live a beer-free and sugar-free lifestyle does tickle me, just a bit.

I know, it’s not at all PC to make fun of people with diabetes. But this isn’t exactly Lance Armstrong getting cancer or Arthur Ashe getting AIDS. This is a guy who treated his body like a dumpster for years and yet somehow has continued to qualify as a professional athlete. This is the guy who admitted he was “more than half drunk” when he pitched a perfect game for the Yankees in 1998. There is more than a little karma at work here.

Plus, the idea of Wells going into a restaurant and looking at the desert menu and then having to utter the words, “I’ll have the fruit salad” just cracks me up. Or, even better, the thought of Wells going to a bar with his teammates and asking for a glass of water. This needs to be a reality show. Or at least a Dateline special, assuming they ever take a break from doing those “To Catch a Predator” shows.

Here’s another thought: Wells is going to lose weight. A lot of weight. There’s no way that he’s going to cut rice, pasta, potatoes, white bread, fast food and alcohol from his diet without dropping at least 30 pounds in the next six months. Will this affect his pitching? Could this actually prolong his career? Wells has a 15.26 ERA through three spring outings (all three have been since he learned he had diabetes). So that doesn’t bode well. But it’s still early.

Most of all, I’m curious to see what will skinny Wells look like?

One thing’s for sure, Wells probably shouldn’t be hanging out with Greg Maddux. A friend once told me that Maddux goes to Burger King before each of his spring training starts and orders a Whopper, fries and a Coke, and then dumps the trash in the back of his rental car. I think we can draw two conclusions from that story. One, rental car companies in Florida and Arizona hate Greg Maddux. And two, Wells would probably be better off dining in the company of the Giles brothers. Heck, just riding shotgun in Maddux’s car could cause him to have a carb relapse. He should probably just stay away from that guy altogether.

David Wells brought up David Dellucci’s name in his convo with reporters about Barry Bonds’ steroid use (see below for his thoughts on #714) on Saturday (his 43rd birthday, no less) and has since had to expend even more hot air explaining what exactly he meant by that–which just goes to show that Wells is a versatile man who can use his piehole for so much more than pie.

The original comments, in response to the question: ”Are there guys, power guys, who you say there’s no way they’re juicing, or is everybody under suspicion?”

”Now everybody is, I would think. You see a little itty bitty guy hitting 30 home runs, like Dellucci, I guess. How many home runs did he hit last year? Twenty-nine? Has he ever done that in his career? The numbers have gone down tremendously since all this has come up. You know, I know Dave. I’ve never suspected him of doing ‘em, so, you know, it’s something that, who else, who else could be? Biggio, he can hit the ball, he can make good contact. I guess if you’ve been around the game enough and know the strike zone. It’s like Wade Boggs, he never hit home runs but he could if he wanted to. He could see the ball well and he could put the bat on the ball well. BP, he was unbelievable. He could go deep at will. But to me, . . . suspicion is on everybody. There are a lot of guys who aren’t doing ‘em, there are a lot of guys who did do ‘em who aren’t doing ‘em now, and you’ve got human growth hormone, too, so, and that’s undetected. So I’m not sure everybody’s on that.”

The only part of that soliloquy the Boston Globe quoted was the first few sentences. So yesterday, peacemaker Terry Francona apologized to a “shaken” and “visibly upset” Dellucci on behalf of the entire team.

After the jump, Dellucci punches back and Wells offers his own mea culpa, in his inimitable style.

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