NOTE: The following post was not written by a rational human being. Instead, it was written by a Met fan. If you notice any vast gaps in logic, this fan refuses to take any responsibility whatsoever. In fact, reading this post may make you dumber. You’ve been warned.

So Derek Lowe is heading down south to Atlanta, Georgia. Just a week or so ago, it appeared that he would be headed to Queens as the #2 starter in the Mets rotation. Then, the Braves got stupid.

No, I wouldn’t have given Smoltz a large contract either if I were the Braves. But after spinning the Rafael-Furcal-did-he-or-didn’t-he AND the Smoltz debacle until they got way too dizzy to think straight, the front office decided that it would be a great idea to spend $60 million on a 35-year old pitcher who can take them over the .500 mark. Awesome.

As they are currently constructed, the Braves are not very good. They won 72 games in 2008 (though their Pythag was of a 79-win team). Even after adding Javy Vazquez, Kenshin Kawakami and now Lowe, it’s still not enough to make them contenders in 2009.The gap between where they ended up in 2008 and where they need to be to justify all this money spent is too wide.

Yes, teams have made huge leaps in standings before – but the majority of these teams have done so because their young players improved simultaneously (ala Tampa) or their division is weak. Neither is true in this case.

Remember, the Braves offense had Mark Teixeira for most of last year. His production cannot be replaced by a full season of Casey Kotchman, who I assume will be better than he was during his Atlanta stint in 2008, but still  can’t be expected to post average numbers for a first baseman.

They should get good production out of Kelly Johnson and Yunel Escobar, but whiny Larry Jones’s health is always going to be a crapshoot.

And while I love Brian McCann, as of this moment, their OF consists of Brandon Jones/Gregor Blanco, Josh Anderson, and Jeff Francoeur.  That’s pretty horrendous. So really, the Braves offense is praying that Larry won’t have a long-overdue Hooters-related injury.

On top of it all, the Braves will be without Tim Hudson for the majority of the season. This doesn’t sound like a team that’s good enough to overtake the Phillies or the Mets.

So this signing really annoys the hell out of me. Why? Not because I’m concerned that the Braves are now better than my Mets. No. I’m annoyed because the Braves’ idiocy means that the Mets are stuck trying to go after Oliver Perez, who will now most likely be asking for a four-year deal.

I’ve made my opinions known about Ollie already. His numbers aren’t anything that can’t be replaced by cheaper options and his walk totals are always going to haunt him. I really don’t want to have to cheer for him again. And yet, he’s now the best option left on the free agent market (though I think Ben Sheets is more talented). All this because the Braves panicked.

WHY MUST YOU SCREW ME EVEN IN MEDIOCRITY, ATLANTA? WHY? WHY CAN’T I EVER WIN WITH YOU?

The Yankees signed Mark Teixeira today and the effects of the signing were wide ranging. Let’s take a look at who benefitted and who didn’t.

The Winners

The Yankees: They got the best first baseman on the market and, outside of Albert Pujols, probably the best first baseman in baseball. Teixiera will represent a major upgrade over prospective first baseman Nick Swisher, who can now be moved to a corner outfield spot (where his average power will be more forgivable). Or, the Yankees can trade him for something useful.

Teixeira: OK, so signing with the Yankees is horribly predictable. But Teixeira got a huge contract, a no-trade clause and he’ll play for a winner. That’s a pretty good deal. Something tells me he’ll be happy he didn’t sign with the Nationals.

Derek Lowe: The Red Sox say missing out on Teixeira won’t impact their search for more pitching. But you’ve got to think that some of the money they had earmarked for Teixeira could be spent on Lowe. Right now, it looks like the Mets are the only serious bidder for Lowe’s services. Getting the Red Sox involved could spark a bidding war that would culminate in an expensive contract.

Billy Beane: The Oakland GM is trying to field a winner in 2009. He took a hit when Rafael Furcal spurned his very generous four-year offer, but now that the Angels have missed out on Teixeira they are looking even more beatable. Beane must smell blood. Will he sign Adam Dunn or Jason Giambi and really put some pressure on the Halos?

Scott Boras: Now that his biggest client has signed, maybe Boras can shift his attention to the other five gajillion free agents he represents.

The Losers

Manny Ramirez: Now that the Yankees have signed Teixeira they’re extremely unlikely to sign Manny. Who is going to give Ramirez the longterm contract he wants? Probably nobody (unless Ned Coletti goes on a bender).

Red Sox: They missed out on a player that would allow them to vastly improve their middle of the order production. Moreover, that player signed with their chief rival. Burn.

The Angels: Who will play first base for Los Angeles next season? Who will provide protection for Vlad? (No, Tori Hunter. Not you. Please sit down.) This could be a blessing in disguise for the Angels, as Adam Dunn could be a great addition and will require fewer dollars and years.

Before the offseason started, the Braves’ stated goal was to sign two top of the rotation starters. They had $47 million to spend.

Here’s what team president Terry McGuirk said in August about the team’s offseason plans:

“We know with the kind of money we have coming off the books, we can talk to anybody we want in the marketplace,” McGuirk continued. “There’s certainly a healthy bit of skepticism about the efficiency and the effectiveness of the free-agent marketplace. But we have the ability to go out and get a real horse who can help take us to the top.”

So far Atlanta has landed Javier Vasquez, who is a horse, but probably not the horse McGuirk was talking about. He’s certainly “no ace,” as the AJC’s David O’Brien is quick to point out.

The Braves first targeted Jake Peavy, but quickly grew tired of the Padres’ demands. Then they threw piles of money at A.J. Burnett, who decided he’d look better in pinstripes.

So who’s left?

There’s Ben Sheets, who would be a good signing if the Braves’ priority is finding somebody to keep Chipper Jones company in the trainer’s room.

There’s Derek Lowe, who the Braves previously ruled out but who is clearly the best option left on the free agent market. Unfortunately, Lowe says his priority is to pitch for a winner and I’m not sure the fourth place Braves meet that standard, no matter how much they want to.

And there are guys like Randy Wolf, Randy Johnson and Jon Garland, who are clearly useful pitchers but who should not be confused with top of the rotation starters.

The Braves could always revisit the Peavy talks, but that seems unlikely. The Padres were asking for Yunel Escobar, but the Braves are no longer willing to trade their shortstop now that they’ve sent Brent Lillibridge to the White Sox as part of the package that landed Vazquez.

No, it looks like the Braves are destined to fall short of their stated goal of landing two top of the rotation starters. Way short.

What have we learned from all this? If you’re a medium market team like the Braves and you’re going to try and spend your way from fourth place to first place, you better make sure you’re not competing with the Yankees for players. Because you’re never going to outspend the Yankees, and at the end of the day it almost always comes down to money.

One final point: In August, McGuirk called this offseason “the first time we’ve really had the chance to have a rebuilding effort.” Who is he kidding? Rebuilding is when you knock everything down and start from scratch. Rebuilding is typically marked by an emphasis on young players. What the Braves are attempting is a patch job. And that’s fine, except that free agent patches are mighty expensive and Atlanta’s lineup has a lot of holes.

If the Dodgers want to win in the NL West, they’ll have to run a very tight pitching ship as their offense is below the fold in almost all categories (nearing rock-bottom in RBIs for instance) and not looking to improve much in the next two weeks. Much of that offensive mediocrity, however, can be credited to the fact that three of the major (would-be) run producers and scorers in the team are on the DL. Nomar Garciaparra is out with a bad calf (and the genetic disorder that prevents it from healing quicker), Andruw Jones is coming off knee surgery to repair torn cartilage, and Rafael Furcal has been battling a stiff back for almost two months now. All three are scheduled to beign rehab assignemnts with Triple A Las Vegas on Monday.

So far the Dodgers have managed to remain two and a half games behind first-place Arizona (albeit with a 37-42 record) due in part to the strong pitching from (of all people) Chan Ho Park, who’s 1-0 in three starts with a 1.20 ERA (after being in the pen to start the year) and Eric Stults (2-0, 0.60 ERA). Manager Joe Torre wants to up the ante, announcing a six-man rotation after Hiroki Kourda comes off the DL, and specifically because of Stults’ results (trying saying that three times!).

I doubt the Dodgers will be buyers in the trade market, if only because they’ve already got a bloated payroll with nothing to show for it. In fact, they’ve been having “cryptic meetings” with Derek Lowe and his agent, Scott Boras, and its their young’uns that are producing (like Andre Ethier above).

Maybe if the coerce a few more wins out of Lowe and Chad Billingsley, and if they get their superstars back from Triple A rehab stints soon enough (not to mention the eventual return of Brad Penny and Jason Schmidt – but don’t hold your breath on Schmidt), they might be able to hold on to make it interesting in the NL West.

- What They Need Index -

Today, L.A. Times columnist Bill Platschke brings us this story from the Dodgers clubhouse — further evidence that the team is too hot for it’s own good. 

DENVER — How hot are the Dodgers?

They are so hot that, on Wednesday night, one of their best players was on fire.

“Literally,” Derek Lowe said.

For all the silliness they survived Thursday afternoon, nothing compared to the incident 18 hours earlier, when Lowe accidentally set his pants ablaze in the dugout.

“Craziest thing I’ve ever seen,” Manager Grady Little said.

In the top of the fifth inning, Lowe was standing in the corner of the dugout preparing to step into the on-deck circle.

Next to his right leg was a large space heater.

Lowe was so intent on watching the game that he didn’t feel the heat or smell the smoke.

Then teammate Matt Kemp saw his polyester pants leg burning, and cried out.

“He said, ‘Dude, you’re on fire,’ ” Lowe recalled.

At first, Lowe thought he was just being complimented on his pitching.

“Then he said, ‘Literally,’ ” Lowe said.

Lowe jumped away from the heater and the flames subsided but not before the fire had burned holes in his pants and socks.

With his teammates in stitches, Lowe ran into the tunnel and changed into a new pair of pants that Mitch Poole, the Dodgers clubhouse manager, had rushed into action.

Poole was not exactly surprised.

Believe it or not, this was the second time a Dodger had caught fire from a space heater. Last season, it happened to pitching coach Jim Colborn.

Lowe was uninjured and finished his six innings for the 100th victory of his career.

He autographed the toasted pants as a memento.

“It’s that time of year,” Poole said, shaking his head.