Dmitri Young is a house on fire. He can’t be stopped. He won’t be stopped. And pitty the poor fool who tries to stop him, because he will get steamrolled.

Young is a legitimate all-star playing for baseball’s worst team, and as such is a prime candidate to be traded before the July 31 trade deadline. The fact that Young is signed to a one-year contract makes him even more likely to be dealt.

You’d think that teams would be lining up for Dmitri’s services. After all, the man is hitting .342 with nine HR and 52 RBI — not bad for somebody who’s hitting in a pitcher’s park with almost no lineup protection.

What’s more, I don’t think Dmitri’s numbers are a fluke. True, he’s well above his career averages. But he’s also sober, which is something he couldn’t claim in the past. Also, his contact rate in 2007 is higher than usual which should keep his batting average around .270-.280 the rest of the way, which is respectable. And he’s hitting more flyballs this year with a fewer % of them going over the fence, which shows his HR total is no fluke.

But as the trade deadline looms, I’m having a hard time figuring out who, if anyone, will trade for Dmitri. Let’s look at the Contenders:

Mets: They’ve got Delgado

Braves: They’ve got Salty and just traded for Julio Franco. On the other hand, if it quickly becomes apparent that Franco can no longer hit, Young might start looking like a real good option.

Phillies. They’ve got Ryan Howard.

Brewers: They’ve got Prince Fielder.

Cubs: They’ve got Derrek Lee.

Dodgers: They’ve got James Loney.

Padres: They’ve got Adrian Gonzalez, though he’s been slumping mightily of late.

Diamondbacks: Young would provide an upgrade over Connor Jackson, at least offensively. This could happen. But of all the areas the D-Backs might want to improve, I doubt 1B is at the top of their list.

Yankees: The Yanks have shown an interest in trading for a first baseman. I think this is Young’s most likely destination, though the name you hear most frequently associated with New York is Mark Teixeira. Still, Young could help the Yanks as either a 1B or a DH.

Red Sox: Boston has also been mentioned as a possible destination for Teixeira, but I don’t see why they’d consider messing with first base. Youkalis has been great this year. I don’t see Young (or anybody else) taking Youk’s place.

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I’m a little late getting to this, I know. But indulge me.

A couple weeks ago, Dmitri Young and Tigers manager Jim Leyland got into a bitch-fest in the media. Young expressed his anger that the Tigers cut him loose after a season spent mostly in a drug treatment program and Leyland fired back, saying Young had made his own bed. It seemed like litter more than a case of “he said/he said.”

But today, a story in the Washington Post reports that the Washington Nationals, who signed Young in offseason, have told the switch hitting 3B/1B that he must lose some weight before they will let him play in a major league game.

From the WaPo:

Acta said, “We’re looking for some offense.” That could bring Young into the equation, because while [Travis] Lee was hitting .224 and getting released by Tampa Bay last year, Young hit seven homers in 48 games before he, too, was released by the Tigers at least in part because of legal problems in which he was charged with choking his girlfriend.Acta said he gets regular reports on Young. “I do know that he’s getting in better physical shape,” he said.

Just to review, Dmitri Young missed much of last season because he was in treatment for drug and alcohol abuse. During that time, he also racked up an assault charge for choking his girlfriend. And then, to top it off, he showed up for spring training too fat to compete.

How fat is Young? The article doesn’t say, but it’s worth pointing out that the bar isn’t set particularly high for first basemen. Milwaukee Brewers 1B Prince Fielder is listed at 260 pounds and it’s a safe bet he actually weighs closer to 275. So if Young is too fat to play, he must be pretty damn porky.

Damn you Jim Leyland. Damn you straight to hell! I know you’re the one who made Dmitri drunk and fat. This has your fingerprints all over it. You and your entire cold-hearted Tigers organization.

Jerks.