Look, we could talk about how the Dodgers need a second baseman now that Joe Torre completely alienated Orlando Hudson by benching him in favor of an inferior player down the stretch and in the playoffs, or how the Dodgers need another starting pitcher or two, but why beat around the bush when what the Dodgers clearly need, way more than anything else, is new ownership.

Even before the whole divorce saga exploded, Frank and Jamie McCourt had already worn thin their welcome a long time ago. These are people who forced Ned Colletti add the game’s best catching prospect as a throw-in to the Casey Blake trade just to save a lousy $2 million, but who at the same time were dropping tens of millions of dollars annually on at least 7 massive mansions.

These are owners who have refused to sign even a single one of the team’s young talent to any sort of contract at all, despite the fact that this is the obvious way to secure the long-term competitiveness of the franchise while keeping fan favorites in the fold, instead going to arbitration every single year with every single one of them.

These are owners who doubled down on Ned Colletti, giving him a secret contract of undisclosed length and size “in order to prevent speculation,” apparently not realizing that the best possible way to encourage speculation of all types is to give someone a secret contract, and all this in spite of the fact that almost all of the success the Dodgers have had recently is because of Logan White and Kim Ng and Joe Torre, and actually in spite of Colletti’s “efforts.”

Frank McCourt is the kind of owner who likes to show up in the press box in the middle of a game to “chat” with Vin Scully, blathering on and on about nothing, sometimes for innings at a time, when we are all trying to watch the game and would much rather be listening to the greatest sports broadcaster of all time.

These are the kind of owners, who used money they didn’t even have to buy one of the most storied franchises in baseball, with one of the largest fanbases and revenue streams, and proceeded to run it like it had the revenue stream of the Devil Rays, all while extracting as much income out of it as they could to support their lavish lifestyle.

And yet, instead of recognizing what an incredible stroke of luck they had to get their hands on such a team, and doing their best to keep it, they let their marital troubles spin out of control to the point where probably neither of them will keep the team, and in the meantime the a huge cloud hangs over the whole franchise. Because if you thought the McCourts were loathe to spend money on the actual team before, just wait til you see how little they spend now that they need every last penny to pay their lawyers.

In short, what the Dodgers need more than anything is new ownership, as soon as possible.

- What They Need Index -

Los Angeles Times columnist T.J. Simers can see the end in sight, and he’s a little bitter that his Dodgers are about to lose to the Philadelphia Phillies, of all teams.

Let’s take his insults one at a time.

As you know, Fox will be broadcasting the World Series and it likes to put the camera on the face of every single fan sitting in the stands, these fans as ugly as any in the country.

I’d like to debate the ugliness of Philly fans, but unfortunately Simers has science on his side. In Travel and Leisure’s recent “America’s Favorite Cities” poll, Philly received the least votes in the category of “attractive people.” Again. That’s three years in a row.

Nowhere in America are people more angry than those living here. During Game 3 they had their humorless furry mascot put on boxing gloves and take on someone who was supposed to be an L.A. fan, sunglasses, cellphone and all.

The furry mascot punched him out, much to the delight of the folks here who love a dash of violence with their sports entertainment.

Are Philly fans angry? Maybe. I prefer to think of them as passionate. Sometimes, that’s a good thing, and sometimes it’s not. But you won’t see many Philadelphia fans leaving a game in the seventh inning, as the LA fans are known to do. And you certainly won’t catch any of the Phillies players showering with two outs in the ninth.

During Game 4 the furry mascot took a small Dodgers blue helmet, placed it on the ground and then pulverized it, much to the delight of the locals. Same tired skits, by the way, they employed a year ago.

Same skits as a year ago? Pay attention, Simers. Those skits aren’t one-year old, they’re MANY YEARS old. They’re not tired, they’re classic.

But this is considered entertainment here, the only bright spot if they draw the Yankees now, getting a look in the mirror at fans who might remind them of themselves.

I’m being told that, according to a recent Sports Center poll, only about 8 percent of respondents want to see the Phillies in the World Series. Is that a surprise? Not really. I’m well aware that Philly fans are an acquired taste. But we have a saying in Philadelphia: “if you don’t like it, you can suck it.” It’s not quite as catchy as “Only in L.A.,” the current marketing ploy of the City of Angels, but it works for us.

Suck it, Simers. Tonight, Cole Hamels is bringing the heat.

After a fantastic honeymoon in Fiji, where we were cut off from television, internet, and all other forms of media other than the Fiji Times (which doesn’t publish baseball standings), the blushing bride and I returned stateside yesterday. We landed at LAX around 4 p.m. to discover 1. The Phillies were still alive! 2. They were scheduled to play the Dodgers in the NLCS and the first game was to start in an hour! 3. We’d miss the first half of the game traveling from L.A. to Tucson!

What to do? Our flight was oversold, so we volunteered to take the next flight. That gave us time to watch the game in the airport bar, and we scored free roundtrip flight vouchers to boot.

You might be wondering, “what kind of a baseball fan schedules his honeymoon during the playoffs?” But consider: 1. The last thing anybody wants to do after surviving his or her wedding is return to work on Monday. 2. Going to Fiji in the spring and missing the annual spring training baseball weekend with the guys was not an option. (Neither was missing the holidays.) 3. Jimmy Rollins has already predicted a Phillies-Yankees World Series, so I knew the Phils would still be alive when I returned.

Anyways, I’m back. But being away from baseball for over a week and then returning in the middle of October is a bit of a weird experience. Here are some observations from a guy who is jumping into the 2009 playoffs midstream:

1. I can’t believe that in the 1.5 weeks I was gone, the Phils’ bullpen situation seems to have actually gotten murkier. Which is not to say it’s gotten worse. Just less certain. Last postseason, the Phils went almost exclusively with a bullpen rotation of Romero, Madson, Lidge. This postseason Manuel is just making it up as he goes along. He is really grasping at straws, and his lack of a plan is making all us Philly fans a little edgy.

2. When was the last time Manny got a haircut? Did Joe Torre just stop caring about that?

3. What is up with the east coast? Did you guys even have a summer this year? It’s snowing today in Boston and the weather forecast for the Yankees-Angels series is horrid. Is this a global warming thing or what?

4. Vicente Padilla really is an asshole. Don’t you think?

5. When I said that Suz and I got to watch the Phillies-Dodgers game in the airport, I meant we got to watch all but the final three outs. We had to board the plane before the game ended. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that a nine inning game played between two teams not named the Red Sox or Yankees could last more than four hours. But this game started at 5:07 and was still going when we boarded our plane at 9:20. I know it didn’t help that Manuel used pretty much his entire bullpen. But it really doesn’t help that commercial breaks during the playoffs are twice as long as those during the regular season. Can we do something about this?

6. Chase Utley is in a funk. He’s made two throwing errors in two games and he hasn’t had an extra-basehit in the NLCS. Granted, it’s only two games. But he’s got this look on his face like something isn’t right. With any other player, I’d chalk it up to a slump or nerves. But with Utley, anytime he’s not playing well I worry he’s hurt. Because, frankly, he almost never struggles and when he does we almost always find out after the fact that he was playing with a broken this or a torn that. It’s a tribute to Utley that we worry for his health whenever he turns in anything less than a Hall of Fame performance.

7. So let me get this straight: While I was gone there was a kid in a balloon and for a whole day people stopped what they were doing to watch this kid float away, only to find out later the kid wasn’t actually in the balloon but was instead hiding in the attic? And we still don’t have healthcare reform? And Rush Limbaugh can’t buy a portion of an NFL team, but he can judge the Miss America pageant? Is that everything? Am I caught up?

8. I bet the Red Sox faithful really wishes Theo would have shelled out the cash for Teixeira. His decision to sign with New York could haunt Boston for years to come. This winter, the pressure to sign Matt Holliday is going to be enormous. Sarah is already starting to obsess over him. And not just because she thinks he’s hot.

9. Tsunami warnings make me glad to live in the desert.

After his stellar start against the Dodgers tonight, allowing only one earned run in seven innings of work, Diamondbacks starter Billy Buckner has a 2.37 ERA in three starts against Los Angeles so far this season.

Against all other teams the rest of the year, however, his ERA is an unsightly 7.85.

The 2003 Los Angeles Dodgers had one of the greatest pitching staffs the game of baseball has ever known. At the height of the steroids era, in a season when 104 players would test positive for performance enhancing drugs, the Dodgers hurlers posted a 3.16 ERA, good enough for an insane 128 team ERA+, and in total allowed a ridiculously low 556 runs.

Kevin Brown, in one of the only good seasons the Dodgers got out of him during the course of the bone-headed 7-year, $105 million contract given to him by Kevin Malone, somehow remained on the field for 32 starts and 211 innings, posting a 2.39 ERA, and Hideo Nomo, in his second go-round with the Dodgers and in the twilight of his career, somehow located the fountain of youth and briefly recaptured his old greatness for one last, shining season, posting 16 victories and a 3.09 ERA.

But the real heart and soul of this team was its bullpen, which was simply the best bullpen I have ever seen. At a time when most teams were already relying on a rotating group of at least 7 relievers out of the pen at any given time, with the Dodgers amazingly gave almost all of their relief innings to only 5 relievers, and the same 5 guys, all season long.  Moreover, the top three relievers, by innings pitched, all posted ERAs in the 1’s.

Eric Gagne, in his single greatest season, and perhaps the greatest season ever by a relief pitcher, racked up 55 saves and posted a 1.20 ERA, while striking out 137 batters in 82.1 innings and posting an incomprehensible 0.69 WHIP. His ERA+ was 335, and he won the NL Cy Young award going away, with a 91% share of the votes. Meanwhile, Guillermo Mota added a 1.97 ERA in 105 innings, and Paul Quantrill chipped in with a 1.75 ERA in 77.1 innings of work. Even the “worst” reliever of the five, Tom Martin, posted an ERA of “only” 3.53 while striking out 51 batters in 51 innings.

So how did this team not even make the playoffs?  Well, in the very same year that the Dodgers had one of the greatest pitching staffs ever, they also posted one of the worst offensive performances in history, scoring a mere 574 runs, and wound up with a record of 85-77. This good enough for second place in the NL West, but was a distant 15.5 games behind the San Francisco Giants, who won 100 games that season behind Barry Bonds and Jeff Kent, and 6 games behind the wild-card Florida Marlins, who would go on to win the World Series.

The stunning lack of offense was actually quite sudden and bizarre, because over the previous three seasons, the Dodgers had averaged 756 runs, and they would average a very similar 755 runs over the following three seasons. But somehow, in 2003, every single hitter on the team had a down year, all at once, and whenever somebody was hitting well they immediately got hurt.

Rightfielder Shawn Green, who had hit 42 and 49 homers the previous two seasons, mysteriously hit only 19 homers in 2003, despite not missing any time, and would never be a power hitter again. Third baseman Adrian Beltre, who the very next season would bat .334 and post a 1.017 OPS, somehow only mustered marks of .240 and and .714. And the Dodgers’ big free agent signee, first baseman Fred McGriff, who had racked up 30 homers and 103 RBI with a healthy .858 OPS just the season before with the Cubs, suddenly aged about 30 years overnight, playing poor defense, losing all of his foot speed, and limping his way to a .249 batting average before the Dodgers finally allowed him to save some face by disabling him.

Outfielders Brian Jordan and Dave Roberts performed well early on, but both got hurt and never recovered, and the Dodgers couldn’t get any production out of fill-ins. Finally, in desperation, they traded three prospects to the Mets for Jeromy Burnitz, and signed Ricky Henderson, both on the same day, July 14. But Burnitz’s OPS, which had been a robust .925 with the Mets, immediately plummeted to .643 for the rest of the season once he entered the becursed Dodgers lineup, and Henderson, at age 44, had almost nothing left, batting .208 and only stealing 3 bases the rest of the way, in what would be the final major league games in his long and storied career.

The final results were dismal. The 2003 Dodgers had a .243 team batting average and a .303 team OBP.  They hit a mere 124 homers, and compiled a .294 team wOBA. Their 574 runs were by far the fewest in all of baseball, 17 runs fewer than the execrable Detroit Tigers, who had lost 119 games.  If the Dodgers had somehow been able to muster even replacement-level offense, they would have been a surefire playoff team, given their inconceivably good pitching, but instead, they were consigned to the dustbin of what-could-have-been.

Everyone is wondering who the “player to be named later” is in the trade that sent Jon Garland to the Dodgers, especially since the Diamondbacks are paying all of Garland’s salary for the rest of this season, plus his $2 million buyout after the season is over, meaning it’s got to be someone good.

One of the rumors out there is that it’s 2B prospect Tony Abreu, and based on a wide array of circumstantial evidence, I’m going to go ahead and say that it’s gotta be Abreu.

First of all we know that it is someone who played for the Dodgers this year, and is still on the 40 man roster. That limits the options quite a bit.

Second of all, we know that Ned Colletti and his cheapskate boss Frank McCourt are not at all afraid to trade a really good player just to save a bit of money. Although the Diamondbacks probably would have taken just about anybody for Garland if the Dodgers paid the rest of his money, it would not be strange to see the Dodgers give away Abreu, despite the fact that he posted a .991 OPS at Triple-A this year, just to save a few million bucks. That would make no sense for most teams, but we’ve seen the Dodgers do stupid shit like this before, as when they “threw in” rock god grade-A catching prospect Carlos Santana into the Casey Blake trade, just to save $2 million.

Third of all, we know that Joe Torre hates Tony Abreu.  And not just hates him in the normal way Joe Torre hates all young players, simply because they are young and not veterans, but in an extra-special, Tony-Abreu-only kind of way. Torre has been badmouthing Abreu to the press ever since spring training 2008, when he was convinced Abreu was faking an injury in what later turned out to be a sports hernia that required surgery.

Finally, we know that the Diamondbacks have a huge hole at second base, with no real options in their system, and after trading away Felipe Lopez, had basically no one to play there, other than taking a gamble that Ryan Roberts is somehow for real.

Nope, it’s gotta be Abreu.

At the beginning of this season, we asked if putting Joe Torre and Ned Colletti together in the same organization was going to mutually exacerbate both of their well-known predilictions for big-name “experienced veterans.”

Clearly, the answer is a resounding “YES.”

Dangling well-known veteran players in front of Colletti and Torre must be like dangling porn videos in front of Hideki Matsui, because over the past two weeks the Dodgers have gone on a wild spree of acquiring big-name veterans, trading at least 4 prospects and putting down at least $7.5 million dollars combined to acquire Vicente Padilla, Ronnie Belliard, Jon Garland, and Jim Thome.

None of this makes any sense, no matter which way you slice it.

First of all, the Dodgers still have the best record in the entire National League. Yes, that’s right, best record in the whole league. They are a mortal lock for the playoffs, because even if the some how lose the division, they will end up with the wild card. So acquiring these guys for the “stretch run” makes no sense.

But at the same time, it’s not like you really need these guys for the playoffs either, when you cut about five guys from your pitching staff. At least, the Dodgers better not be stashing these guys for the playoffs. Because if you are a Dodgers fan you gotta be pretty frightened if Colletti and Torre are planning to make Vicente Padilla and Jon Garland a big part of their playoff plans.

Because the more important point here is, none of these guys are all that good. Ron Belliard has a career OPS of .753, and he’s already on the downside of that. He’s basically Tony Abreu, only 10 years older at 3 times the price. Oh wait, I forgot, he’s an “experienced veteran.”

As for Padilla and Garland, I’m not sure what to say, other than that these guys are scraping the bottom of the replacement level barrel. Padilla struggles to even achieve replacement level, and Garland has hovered just a smidgen above it for most of his career. Are these guys really going to give the Dodgers anything that they couldn’t get from guys they already have, like Charlie Haeger, Eric Stults, and Scott Elbert?

And as useless as the first three guys are, I consider Jim Thome the most useless acquisition of them all. Oh sure, Thome is a probable hall of famer and all, but he hasn’t played an inning in the field in more than two years, and now here he is on a National League team as a glorified pinch hitter. Thome even spoke with Ned Colletti on the phone and explicitly told him that he could only be asked to play first base in an absolute emergency. What use is that on an NL team? You can’t even double switch with him. Is 40 days of that that really worth a whopping 2.5 million dollars PLUS a minor leaguer?

Maybe Matsui has it right. I’m pretty sure you’d get a better return on your investment investing in porno tapes.