You’ve probably heard by now that Elijah Dukes got fined and benched because he showed up late for work.

Dukes was five minutes late for stretching drills because he was signing autographs at a local little league.

Now that little league has volunteered to pay Dukes’ $500 fine.

Buster Olney thinks Major League Baseball should pay the $500.

Rob Neyer thinks Dukes doesn’t get it and never will.

I think this whole thing is fascinating.

The little league president has praised Dukes, saying, “I could see if he was out trying to do something small or private, but he just came into my community and gave us a shot in the arm” and “The point is, this guy gave back to our community, and now he’s in a hard spot. We need to help him.”

But let’s be honest. Dukes is no saint. He didn’t volunteer his time. He got paid $500. Now, that’s not a ton of money, especially for a guy who’s making $400K. But he wasn’t exactly doing a lot of heavy lifting, either. Dukes “signed autographs, watched the parade of teams and spoke to the players for about a minute.”

Wow. A whole minute.

What kind of a person charges a little league $500 for a few autographs and a photo op? The kind of person who fathered at least five children with four women between 2003 and 2006, I suppose. That’s probably a lot of child support to pay.

Moreover, what kind of little league says to itself, “Gee, it’d be really swell to get a Major League player to come sign autographs on opening day. Who should we get? How about Elijah Dukes?! He’s been arrested at least three times for battery, and once for assault, and he’s threatened to kill his wife and he knocked up a 17-year-old foster child, but aside from that he’d be great!” Maybe the other Nationals players were too expensive?

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Thank god for the Nationals. Never a dull moment.

The 2009 Washington Nationals are not going to win the NL East.

Shocking, I know. But please let me finish.

The 2009 Washington Nationals are not going to win the NL East and are still treating their best talent like they have no idea what the hell to do with them.

It started on Opening Day when Manager Manny Acta chose to pencil in Austin Kearns as his starting right fielder over Elijah Dukes. At the time, Acta’s rationale had been thus – Kearns hit four HRs in Spring Training agaisnt the likes of Felipe Paulino, Kyle McClellan, Nate Robertson, and Leo Nunez. That’s it, really. Not because Kearns has more to offer for the future of the franchise (he doesn’t), not because Kearns will end up with better numbers than Dukes (he won’t), but because of four HRs he hit off of mediocre pitching in games that didn’t count.They favored Kearns who slugged .316 last year over Dukes, who was the team’s best hitter in 2008.

And then there comes the news today that the organization is sending another talented young OFer – Lastings Milledge – down to AAA. Why? Because he hasn’t raked in the first 7 games. Cue my confusion.

What exactly does Milledge have left to learn down in the minors that he can’t learn in the bigs? Why wouldn’t a team that’s going nowhere fast want to groom their best talent at the major league level against major league pitching?

Now I’d be naive if I didn’t mention two things – one, Milledge plays a notoriously shallow CF, a fact that hurt him twice on Opening Day when balls sailed over his head, one resulting in an inside-the-parker by Emilio (EMILIOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!) Bonifacio. It’s becoming clearer by the day that Milledge does not have the skillset to be a good CFer and should be moved to the corners. Two, well, Elijah Dukes hasn’t exactly led the most prudent life.

But I don’t see what these two things have anything to do with playing time in 2009. Lastings Milledge is not a good defensive CFer, but among the other candidates (Dukes, Kearns, Adam Dunn, Josh Willingham, and, I suppose, Willie Harris), he is the most attractive option. And to the best of my knowledge, Dukes has stayed out of trouble since 2007.  Why stifle their development? I simply do not see how this helps the ballclub’s bottom line.

Maybe Milledge should’ve just shook hands with Jim Bowden last year or something…

With the Washington Nationals long gone from the playoff race, many people haven’t noticed the fact that their offense has had a surprisingly strong month. The names on manager Manny Acta’s lineup card had been in flux for the better part of the year, going through such veteran players as Austin Kearns, Ryan Langerhans, Wily Mo Pena, Dmitri Young, Rob Mackowiak, and even went so far as to try Paul Lo Duca for a few games in left field.

But since Elijah Dukes became a mainstay in the batting order following an injury to Kearns, the Nats offense has averaged 5.28 runs scored per game, which is a huge improvement over the 3.7 they had been scoring in the 132 games prior.

This isn’t suggesting that Dukes is the sole reason for the turnaround since it’s really impossible for one player to have this much impact. But he sure has been helping. In his last 25 games, his line has been an incredible .286/.370/.614. With Park Factor considered, his Adjusted OPS has been 172. And other players have been turning it up as well in the past 25 games, from Christian Guzman (1.089 OPS) and Ryan Zimmerman (.894 OPS) to Lastings Milledge (.824 OPS in the second half). In addition, they’ve benefited greatly from having Willie Harris’ glove in left (Harris has prevented 19 more runs from scoring than the average LFer).

So what does this mean for Washington in 2009? Not much unless their pitching can stop teams from averaging over 5 runs per game. But with Dukes, Milledge, and Zimmerman, they may have three reliable bats that are 24-years old or younger, which is more than the majority of rebuilding teams can claim.

It’s not offical yet, but word on the street is that that Rays have dealt outfielder Elijah Dukes to the Nationals.

Here’s what the St. Pete Times says:

There is plenty of circumstantial evidence that Dukes has been dealt, including word that Nationals GM Jim Bowden was overheard on his cell phone yesterday at the airport talking to someone named “Elijah.” Both teams have scheduled announcements at 5 p.m.

The Times goes on to say that the trade explains why Dukes hasn’t played since his latest eruption after being ejected from a Dominican League game on Thursday night.

Yes, that’s right. Dukes was ejected from a game in the Dominican League. Why is Dukes playing in the Dominican Republic? To rehabilitate his image. To prove to the world that he’s not a complete maniac. To show that he can play baseball without flipping out and having to slap a bitch.

And he got tossed.

And now he’s going to D.C.

Jim Bowden, you are a maverick. You have assembled the most fruit loops crazy roster in professional sports. If you consider yourself in any way, shape or form a baseball fan, you have to be excited about the 2008 Nationals.

Elijah Dukes. Dmitri Young. Lastings Milledge. All on the same team.

I think I speak for the entire blogosphere when I say, “Amen.”

For those of you who missed it (where the hell were you?), last week, we here at UmpBump nominated 27 deserving men to be the first ever recipients of The Douchies, an award that finally recognizes the douchiness of certain individuals employed by Major League Baseball. Close to 500 of you cast a total of 1746 votes in our four categories and I have to say, some of the results were surprising.

So here they are! Your winners of the 1st Annual Douchie Awards!

The Reggie Jackson Award for Best Display of Attention Grabbing is named after a man who has attained mythical stature as an attention-whore during his playing career. He was the forebearer to the modern, preening baseball player, putting the size of the contract ahead of most anything else. This award will be presented to the person who best personified Mr. Jackson’s penchant to run after the spotlight no matter what cost.

And the winner is…

Read the rest of this entry »

Buried within this article about Aubrey Huff is the news that Elijah Dukes of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays somehow became the first base coach in last night’s game played by the Charlotte County Redish of the South Coast League, which is a team managed by former big league slugger Cecil Fielder. Which got me thinking…

A List of Things You Learn as a Charlotte County Redfish When Your Manager is Cecil Fielder and Your Coach is Elijah Dukes:

1. The four major food groups: Fried, Creamed, Carameled, and Twice-Fried
2. How to hold your head up high even after striking out 182 times in a season.
3. How to gamble away more than $47 million and leave your wife and children with the bill as you shack up with another woman and evade creditors.
4. How to promise your 18-year old son that you will negotiate his first pro baseball contract and then help yourself to a $200,000 cut without his knowledge. You know, because of the gambling debt.
5. How to properly throw a Gatorade bottle at a seventeen-year old girl you just impregnated.
6. How to scare the bejeezus out of children by storming into a middle school and threatening their teacher who happens to be your wife.
7. The correct language to use when leaving a message on your wife’s cell phone warning her that you will kill her and your children.
8. How to properly execute “The Wheel” play when fielding a bunt.