Thanks to ESPN.com’s new “roster analysis” page, which automatically updates as teams’ rosters change, we can keep track of various averages for each major league roster all season long.

Baseball’s fattest team? The Chicago White Sox (and it’s not even that close) , weighing in at an average of 221 pounds. The biggest culprits include the mountainous Bobby Jenks, generously listed at 275 pounds, the bulbous Jim Thome (255), and the voluminous Toby Hall (also listed at 255).

The thinnest team is the San Francisco Giants, weighing in at a scant 195 pounds on average, proving that not only are the Giants the lightweights of the Major Leagues when it comes to hitting, but that they are also the lightweights when it comes to actual weight. (Although now with 180-pound Dave Roberts heading to the DL, their rank may change).

As for the average height of baseball teams, we see that it does not vary much, with 29 out of the 30 teams having an average height of either 6-1 or 6-2. In dead last at 6-0 is the puny Houston Astros.

Baseball’s youngest team is, unsurprisingly, the Florida Marlins, with an average age of 27.2 years, while baseballs oldest team is a tie between the Boston Red Sox and the New York Mets, at 30.6 years of average age.

Man, I am so stuffed.

Easter dinner was epic. We grilled out. There was chipotle sweet potatoes, salad, veggie casserole, grilled veggies and tofu, quiche, chicken, homemade bread, home brew and to top it all off, homemade shortbread and creme fraiche ice cream drizzled with raspberry sauce.

I feel fat.

I want to go to the gym. I need to sweat off yesterday’s calories. But first I’ve got to go to work and put in my eight hours. So, in the meantime, I’ll look at these pics of some of the Red Sox pitchers and feel a little less gluttonous.

The chipmunk:

Hockey hair? Check. Hockey butt? Check. Somebody get this guy some skates!

Meet the new Guapo.

The doctors said his arm looked like spaghetti. Mmmm…spaghetti.

The Florida Marlins are holding tryouts for a fat guy dance team.

From the AJC:

The Florida Marlins are looking for some footloose fat men. The National League team is creating an all-male, plus-size cheerleading squad to be dubbed the Manatees. Tryouts were scheduled for Sunday.

The team hopes to recruit seven to 10 tubby men to dance, cheer and jiggle during Friday and Saturday home games this season.

Real manatees, 1,200-pound mammals sometimes referred to as “sea cows,” are not considered the most agile of creatures and often get caught in boat propellers.

I thought the fat guy dance team was a funny idea when the Chicago Bulls tried it. Plus, in Chicago it made sense. Chicago is famous for its fat guys. The Bulls’ troup reminded everybody of that great SNL skit with Chris Farley and George Wendt.

A team’s in-game entertainment should reflect the city’s local culture. Pittsburgh, which is famous for it pierogies, has a pierogi race. Philadelphia, which is famous for its cruel fans, has…cruel fans.

Miami is not famous for fat people. Quite the opposite. So I just don’t get this gimmick.

I will give them this, though: Manatees is a great name for a fat guy dance troup.

1. How many innings does Schilling have to pitch to qualify for his $3 million?

2. We’ve already written about the “weight clause” in Schilling’s new deal. But nowhere has it been stated that Schilling must lose weight, simply that he will be weighed six times throughout the season.

For all we know, the clause could basically say that he needs to stay under 350lbs or something. This way, Boston looks good by not guaranteeing him more than $8 million and Schilling can look good by not demanding more guaranteed money AND making it seem like he gives a rat’s ass about conditioning.

So what’s the deal, Curt? Are you really gonna slim down? Or is this all just a clever ploy?

3. If Schilling is going to lose weight, how is he going to do it? Slim Fast? The South Beach Diet? Or just good old fashioned exercise?

Will his weight loss adventure be the subject of a future reality show, to be broadcast on MLB.TV? Will we be treated to blog post after blog post about how Mr. Bloody Sock is sooooo craving chocolate right now?

My guess is Schilling hires a personal trainer, which I would totally do if I had millions of dollars. I guess it’s a little lame to pay a guy to yell at you while you strain to touch your toes, but whatever it takes, right?

Just as long as Schilling doesn’t get the same guy Tony Gwynn hired.

NOTE: ESPN.COM says “Schilling would get a $375,000 bonus for pitching 130 innings, and an additional $375,000 for every 10-inning increment up to 200. He also will have the random weigh-ins, one per month, and get $333,333 each time he maintains his weight.”

Of course, that still doesn’t tell us what weight Schilling is expected to maintain. The problem wasn’t that Schilling got fatter as the 2007 season went on. It was that he showed up fat and stayed fat.

UPDATE: As a few commenters pointed out, Tom Verducci reports, “Schilling will get bonus money based on periodic weigh-ins. To collect he must be no heavier than 230 pounds, a weight he’s had trouble staying under in recent years.”

Rangers manager Ron Washington told the Dallas Morning-News Wednesday if Sammy Sosa can prove that he’s close to recapturing his form of a few years ago after sitting out a full season, Sosa might bat as high as fifth.

Morning-News columinst Jean-Jacques Taylor thinks that’s just dumb.

But the Rangers think that if Sosa’s still hungry, it could be bad news for opposing pitchers. Of course, it could also be bad news for opposing buffet tables.

After all, it was just two weeks ago that the aging slugger, who sat out all last season, was being laughed out of Japan. They called him fat.

Maybe the Rangers think they can right an old wrong by signing Sosa, after the team traded him 18 years ago?

Whatever their motivation, they have until April 1 to whip fat Sammy into shape. This I’ve got to see.