To be properly called a “gamer,” a ballplayer must be possessed of several crucial characteristics, most vitally the twelve listed below. It is the contention of this post that Dustin Pedroia fits all these essential criteria, and is, potentially, baseball’s newest Ultimate Gamer:

1) Dirty uniform. I don’t think I have ever seen Pedroia’s uniform clean. It attracts dirt like it’s a giant dirt magnet. Gamer? You betcha.

2) Small stature. If you are over 5′10″ tall, you are too big to be a gamer. Pedroia is listed at 5′9″, but those of us with the power of sight know better. Total gamer.

3) Inability to regularly hit for power. No gamer would ever hit 20 homers in a season. However, gamers do hit homers in key postseason games:

4) Can-do spirit. With Red Sox catcher Jason Varitek out with the flu, the Red Sox have played their last three games with only Kevin Cash available to catch. But Dustin Pedroia has volunteered to be the emergency catcher, should something happen to Cash. What a freakin’ gamer.

5) Hustle. Pedroia slid head-first into first base tonight, beating out the throw. Gamer alert! Next batter? David Ortiz, tattooing one into the right field seats to tie the game.

6) Helmet-banging/bat-tossing. Essence of any self-respecting gamer.

7) Knowing how to party. Pedroia’s got this locked down, with shirtless dancing (the “DADDY” scrawled on his chest only adds to the gamerishness) and impromptu bartending.

8) Permanent five o’clock shadow. Gamers don’t have time to shave every day. They’re too busy rocking out, hustling, and rubbing dirt all over their uniforms. Plus, they have so much testosterone, that the stubble regenerates fifteen minutes after they’ve shaved anyway.

9) Self-sacrifice. One of Peter Gammons’ favorite stories: in college, Dustin Pedroia gave up his scholarship so that his team, the ASU Sun Devils, could go out and recruit some pitchers. After Pedroia had already gone pro, those new pitchers and Pedroia’s old teammates made it to the college world series and all wore his initials on their hats. Gimme a G-A-M-E-R!

10) Playing in pain, but not sucking. Pedroia played through the last two months of the 2007 season with a cracked hamate bone. He OPSed .832 during the playoffs. Gutty.

11) Leadership/spark-pluggishness. Last year, Dustin was a wee rookie and thus acted as the team’s ’spark plug’ in dark moments. Now that he’s entering his second year in the majors, he’s becoming more of a ‘clubhouse leader.’ But he’s still wee. Because he’s a gamer.

12) Terrible local television commercials. This is the essence of a gamer, right here. How much intestinal fortitude do you think it took to grit this out?

And of course, to be called a gamer, a player has to be white. As you can see, Pedroia is gamerishly pasty.

David Eckstein, watch your back! There’s a new King Gamer in town!

Today’s lunchtime reading put me in an inquisitive mood. So let’s do it up as a questionnaire:

From 38Pitches, Curt Schilling would like to know: why wasn’t Kyle Farnsworth ejected for throwing at Manny Ramirez last night?

From Deuce of Davenport, why does Marty Brennaman hate Cubs fans so much?

From Slate, why are today’s ballplayers more likely to be born in August, and why are tomorrow’s stars more likely to be born in May?

From PhilSox Blog, why could that whole buried-Sox-jersey-in-the-Bronx thing have been an elaborate hoax?

From Fire Joe Morgan, why are “gamers” always white?

From Home Run Derby, why can Carlos Pena only hit home runs?

From Beantown West, why is Torii Hunter annoyed that white players wore #42?

From Cobra Brigade, why do the Cubs always get such freak injuries?

And speaking of freak injuries, Sports by Brooks would like to know: why the heck is Joel Zumaya doing keg stands?

Now for some questions of my own:

Why is Baseball-Bats calling first-pitch throwing Victoria Beckham a D-Lister? (Posh rocks! Posh is fierce! Posh is going to kill you!)

Why is Baseball Digest Daily arguing to get rid of batting average? (If you don’t like it, you don’t have to look at it!)

And why does Joel Sherman of the New York Post think that the Sox-Yanks rivalry ended in 2004? (Do you not remember Johnny Damon switching sides in ‘05? The five-game sweep in ‘06? The ‘07 pennant race?!)

And of course, UmpBumpers, we’re always looking for good reading here at UmpBump. Have you read something neat lately? Let me know!