I’ve been going crazy lately buying presents. Two weeks ago it was Mother’s Day. Tomorrow it’s my dad’s birthday. Two days after that my sister graduates from college. And two weeks after that it’s Father’s Day.

For Mother’s Day, I got by with flowers. I’m not sure what to get my sister for graduation, but I’m not sweating it too much since she still hasn’t even attempted to watch the “Flight of the Conchords: Season 1″ DVD I bought her for her birthday.

Then there’s dad. Last year, I got him a t-shirt that said, “100 percent Butch,” which was funny, because his name is Butch. But he doesn’t wear it, because I think he’s afraid that people wouldn’t get the joke. And he’s probably right.

So this year, I figured maybe I’d get dad a hat from his favorite baseball team. I went online to mlb.com and…well…that’s where I ran into problems. There are so many different hats, it’s hard to know where to start.

Of course, there’s the classic fitted team cap. You can’t go wrong here. The only problem with this kind of hat is that 1. you need to know the hat size of the person you’re buying for and 2. fitted hats are a bummer to break in. Still, there’s nothing cooler than an official team hat.

Well, ok, a fitted retro hat is maybe just a little bit cooler. This Red Sox replica 1946-1951 cap looks like it should be worn while eating Jell-O casserole and watching The Jetsons. It stays true to the team’s colors and honors its past. I love everything about it.

But maybe you’re not stuck in the past. Maybe you’re all about the here and now. In that case, this batting practice cap is for you. Personally, I don’t know why anybody finds the vents above the ears necessary, attractive or otherwise compelling, but to each his own.

What if you want a hat that’s just a little more awesome? There’s always this Rangers cap, which looks like it was designed by C.J. Wilson himself. I can just picture the conversation, where C.J. approached the MLB marketing people and said, “Look, bra, I just need a cap that’s a little more, you know, extreme! You know?” Oh C.J., if only you could channel just a little bit of that extremeness into, oh, I dunno, not sucking? Would that be so hard?

What if you’re looking for a hat that’s equally intense, but a little less straight-edge? You might consider the Phillies warfare cap. This cap serves two purposes, marking the wearer as somebody of singular badassery and also expressing an appreciation of the seriousness of the situation. The person who wears this hat is making the statement, “Of course I’m wearing black – I’m a Phillies fan.”

Then there’s this Cubs white New Era cap, that would seem to be marketed for people who enjoy spinning rhymes. Note: the tall buildings in the background give this cap a more urban feel. This “lid” is meant to be worn with a flat brim, and with stickers and tags intact. Word.

If you’re looking for a hat that is a little less urban and a little more suburban, you might consider this white Orioles number, which would go great with khakis, a matching white, cotton oxford shirt, sleeves rolled and top three buttons undone. And sandals. Gotta have the sandals.

There are a few hat styles that I just can’t support. There’s the Abercrombie-wannabe, already-broken-in hat that comes pre-torn. Here’s an Oakland Athletics hat that only a Giambi brother could love. I can just picture Jason walking around the clubhouse in nothing but this hat and his gold tiger-print thong, talking about how fast his boat is.

Then there’s the pink hat, which we’ve discussed on Umpbump before. The pink hat – loathed for its wussy color and for the bandwagon-hopping female fans it has come to represent – is a favorite of Fenway femmes. And it is laaaame. Featured here is the Cleveland Indians’ pink cap, which manages to be both lame and racist. Nice.

Next, there’s the camo hat, which Sarah defends and I just embrace. I’m all for supporting the troops, but can’t we find a way that’s a little less…gaudy? I think we need to try.

Finally, we have this monstrosity:

It blends elements from all of our offending caps. It’s a pre-torn, pink, camo monstrosity. May God have mercy on any “fan” who dare don this disaster.

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So I’m late to this thing about the caps getting a whole make-over. I’m sure I’m not the only one, but for refreshers-sake, here it is.

Baseball decided to make some drastic changes to the cap. We’ve all seen the new BP caps (or hats) and their funny looking ornament by the sides. Turns out the good ‘ol 59/50 will also get a perm, and instead of it being 100% wool (and 100% too expensive, methinks) the thing will be almost two-thirds polyester.

The MLB Press Machine swears that less wool is cool; it’s one of the 10 things to keep in mind, according to MLB.com reporter, Mark Newman:

The 59FIFTY game cap is 100 percent polyester. This is a massive change in baseball tradition, during which wool has been the rule practically forever. The last universal change to the MLB cap was in 1954, when the six-panel model was introduced. The BP cap is 62 percent polyester and 38 percent wool.

Other than the technological enhancement argument, I don’t think MLB or New Era have said why they decided to replace wool, which had been the main ingredient for the caps since, well, 1954. (I wonder if that 11-month strike over at New Era a few years ago had anything to do with that).

The new cap will also have fancy moisture retardant fabric technology so that the things don’t soak up and stink. Because, as well all know, we can’t have those ball-players stinking up the dugout during rain delays.

As Mr. Newman reminds us:

5. Players will smell better — “They look exactly the same, they breathe more and they won’t shrink,” said Tigers pitcher and 2006 American League Rookie of the Year Justin Verlander, who shot a commercial for New Era in the offseason. “The best thing is, when it rains, the hats won’t stink like the wool ones did.”

You know; I did notice that my battle-scarred, four-year old 59/50 did have a peculiar smell that would just not go away, no matter how many times I washed it.

Another radical change is the bill of the cap. Taking a cue from Kenny “stinking rat” Rogers, they changed the color of the underside of the visor to a glare-repellent black, instead of the traditional light gray we’re all accustomed to.

It’s supposed to help or improve performance or something. And I always thought the hats were a fashion statement.

So I dunno; I guess I must say hats off to Baseball officials for finally proposing a change that won’t screw us over. Let’s just hope the thing doesn’t set you back $30.

Whoops, spoke too soon!!

Did anyone ever tell you, you look like a penis with that little hat on? — Jimmy Dugan, “A League of Their Own.”

I’m watching the Oakland-Detroit game. It’s game 3 in Detroit. The Tigers are up 2-0 in the series and in the game.

The announcer is talking about how Kenny Rogers grew up in Plant City (the Strawberry capital of the world), went to Plant City High School and played for the Planters, and that during harvesting season he would miss school to pick strawberries.

“I bet he probably hates strawberries,” the color commentator chimes in.

This is fascinating banter. But I am having a tough time really appreciating it. I find that I’m distracted by A’s short stop Marko Scutaro, who is wearing a ski cap over his baseball cap. It’s a green ski cap with the yellow “A” on it.

This is the first time I’ve ever seen a player wear a ski cap in a baseball game. Frankly, I’m shocked that MLB allowed it. It’s just…I dunno…there are no words. It’s disorienting, that’s what it is.

Currently, it’s 45 degrees and windy in Detroit. It’s supposed to go down to 35 degrees later in the evening. That’s cold, but not freezing. It’s warm enough that most of the other players are still wearing short sleeves.

I can’t find a photo of Scutaro wearing the cap, but it’s early. I’m sure somebody will post one eventually. And when they do…bam! I’ll update this post so fast it’ll make your head spin. So stay tuned.

Today’s Boston Metro rant: what to do about pink baseball hats.

I just couldn’t let that Alyssa Milano thing go.

Chipper Jones has let it be known that he’s no fan of the new Coolflow helmets many of the players are using. From the Atlanta-Journal Constitution:

“I’m never going to wear one of those,” Jones said. “They are ugly and I’m not sure that they are even safe. I’m going to stick with my old helmet and have them slap a new “A” on the front every year.”

Despite being lighter and having holes on the sides and at the top, Rawlings insists that their Coolflo Batter’s Helmet offers more protection than the old models.

Jones isn’t convinced. “There is nothing to them,” he said. “I’m not going to risk it.”

Jones learned to appreciate the value of using quality protective devices after he got a Hooters waitress pregnant a few years back.