This is one of a series of posts in which we throw feces at each team’s ineffectual attempts to improve and daub them with rosewater in those areas where they have managed to do so.

What is there to say about the Rangers this year? They’re clearly going to come in last—again—in an already weak division. (A division that only has four teams. Lame!) I can barely muster up the spleen required to rip them. So much for “in-your-face baseball commentary.” But let’s give it a shot anyway—after all, this may be the one post UmpBump writes about the Rangers all year. (At least until Milton Bradley acts up again.) To add interest to this fairly lackluster team, I will rely on an old writerly device: the exclamation point!

So I looked at the projected lineup of the Texas Rangers (below) one thing really stands out: only two players played 130 games or more last season, and only four topped 100 games! And when I looked at their starting rotation, I noticed that no pitcher on the list has an ERA of under 4.50!

Oof!

Texas is fielding quite a motley crew this season. Michael Young, arguably the only shortstop worse defensively than Derek Jeter! Josh Hamilton, who recovered from his crack addiction by finding Jesus! Milton Bradley, last seen causing himself a season-ending injury by trying to attack an umpire! Jarrod Saltalamacchia, who married his high school teacher!

Nonetheless, if I can set aside the ennui these Rangers induce in me, I have to admit there are some pretty interesting players on this team. Hamilton, for instance. In a recent article discussing Hamilton and Bradley, Jerry Crasnick writes:

At Rangers camp in Surprise, [Arizona,] they’re getting a crash course in what the fuss was all about. Hamilton hits high, majestic drives over the fence in batting practice, and his teammates strain for superlatives.

“We haven’t had any shortage of offensive monsters since I’ve been here,” says Michael Young, ticking off the names of Alex Rodriguez, Alfonso Soriano, Carlos Lee and Juan Gonzalez, among others. “But I think they might all take a backseat to this guy in batting practice. When you’re hitting balls to the opposite field off the top of the clubhouse, it’s just silly.”

His fellow Rangers attest that the ball even sounds different as it comes off Hamilton’s bat.

“I’ve never seen anyone as gifted as him,” Texas second baseman Ian Kinsler says. “He was born to play this game.”

Well, at least he should be fun to watch! And of course, Saltalamacchia will be getting his first full season in the bigs. That will be nice. And the aforementioned Milton is sure to entertain—for better or for worse!

Acquisitions: Milton Bradley LF, Kazuo Fukumori RP, Eddie Guardado RP, Jason Jennings SP, Chris Shelton 1B, Ben Broussard 1B, Josh Hamilton CF

Losses: Brad Wilkerson RF, Edinson Volquez SP, Freddy Guzman CF, Armando Galarraga SP, Sammy Sosa DH, Jerry Hairston Jr. CF

Projected Lineup, Rotation, and Closer:

SS Michael Young .315 AVG, .366 OBP, 9 HR, 156 games
3B Hank Blalock .293 AVG, .358 OBP, 10 HR, 58 games
CF Josh Hamilton, .292 AVG, .368 OBP, 19 HR, 90 games
LF Marlon Byrd .307 AVG, .355 OBP, 10 HR, 109 games
C Jarrod Saltalamacchia .251 AVG, .290 OBP, 7 HR, in 46 games
RF Milton Bradley, .306 BA, .402 OBP, 2 HR, 61 games
1B Ben Broussard, .275 AVG, .330 OBP, 7 HR, 99 games
2B Ian Kinsler .263 AVG, .355 OBP, 20 HR, 130 games
DH Frank Catalanotto .260 AVG, .337 OBP, 11 HR, 103 games

SP1 Kevin Millwood, 172.2 IP, 5.16 ERA
SP2 Vicente Padilla, 120.1 IP, 5.76 ERA
SP3 Jason Jennings, 99 IP, 6.45 ERA
SP4 Brandon McCarthy, 101.2 IP, 4.87 ERA
SP5 Kason Gabbard, 81.3 IP, 4.65 ERA

CL C.J. Wilson, 3.03 ERA, 1.22 WHIP (Though it could be Eddie Guardado by the time spring training is over.)

Grade: C

The best that can be said for the Rangers is that they seemed to finally admit, last season, that they weren’t going to win any time soon. They moved Mark Teixeira and Eric Gagne for prospects, and their farm system now looks better than most. 2008 is a throwaway year for the Rangers, but check back in 2010—if they haven’t done anything stupid, they could be contending by then! You never know! And as Nick so wisely said, “It’s not like they are the Pirates!”

-Hot Offseason Action Index!-

Mark Teixeira, one of the hottest names bandied about before tomorrow’s trade deadline, has just been traded. The Rangers are sending the first baseman and a lefty reliever, Rob Mahay, to the Braves. The Braves are giving up their top two prospects (and with them, any chance of reclaiming the awesome-nickname-days of yore).

Some suspected that Texas wanted to dump Teixeira because he was a chronic complainer. Nevertheless, it seems they got a lot in return. According to early reports, Atlanta sent them top-rated catching prospect Jarrod Saltalamacchia, shortstop-of-the-future Elvis Andrus, pitching prospect Matt Harrison and 19-year-old righthander Nestali Feliz. Salty (as he is known) and Elvis (Elvis!!) are the top two prospects in the Braves’ organization. Harrison is their third-ranked youngster.

Teixeira is eligible for salary arbitration after this season. He becomes a free agent at the end of next season.

I can’t decide whether the Rangers have made out like bandits, or whether the Braves got Teixeira cheap. One the one hand, all the Braves had to give up was prospects. On the other, they reportedly gave up the best three prospects they had.

Here’s the short version on Teixeira:

Teixeira, a 27-year-old switch-hitting slugger, has won two Gold Gloves at first base. He is batting .297 this season with 13 home runs and 49 RBIs. Since breaking into the majors with Texas in 2003, Teixeira has had seasons of 26, 38, 43 and 33 home runs.

Only Ralph Kiner, Albert Pujols and Eddie Mathews hit more than the 140 homers that Teixeira had in his first four major league seasons. He had at least 33 homers and 110 RBIs in each of the past three.

The former Georgia Tech star will be a huge upgrade for the Braves, who’ve slid to third in the NL East and have been using stand-ins at first this year. But was it worth ditching their top three prospects, plus this guy Feliz? Well, Saltalamacchia had nowhere to go after the Braves re-upped last year’s breakout catcher, Brian McCann, to a six-year deal. Here’s what Baseball Prospectus has to say about Salty, Elvis, and Harrison.

Elvis Andrus: Only 18, he’s “as toolsy as he is young” and “even if he’s only a speedy line-drive hitter with good glove-work, that’s still a potential All-Star, and there’s a chance he’ll be more than that.”

Jarrod Saltalamacchia: Twenty-two and six-foot-four, Salty battled a hand injury last season in Double A, but once he kicked it, hit “.338/.474/.649 in the last two months…the other good news is that he improved behind the plate, throwing out 36 percent of opposing runners.”

Matt Harrison: The 21-year old is built in the classic mode: a hulking lefty who likes to throw heat. Like Nuke LaLoosh he can hit 95, but generally works in the low 90s. Unlike Ebbie Calvin, however, he can also control where the ball is going. He “throws a ton of strikes and supplements his heat with a plus curve and change.”

I suppose it makes sense to move Saltalamacchia, if you’re confident you want to go with McCann. I mean, that’s what extraneous prospects are for, right? To use as chips. But to blow all your chips on one dude? I dunno. If the Braves miss the playoffs again this year, they may end up with buyers’ remorse.

Meanwhile, the Rangers have ended up with a young shortstop and a lefthanded starting pitcher for the future, and a catcher they could stick behind the plate tomorrow (sorry Gerald Laird). I’m going to have to give the Rangers the edge on this one. At least it looks like they have some kind of organizational philosophy. The Braves, on the other hand, still seem to be wandering in the desert.