We’ve been having a great time up here in Boston. Our basketball team, the Boston Celtics (perhaps you’ve heard of them) just won the NBA championship last night by tearing the Lakers of Los Angeles limb from limb, burning their villages and abducting their women, who, let’s face it, were only too happy to be saved from their unsatisfying unions with the Tinseltown hoopsters. Earlier this year, our football team, the New England Patriots, made a bid for NFL history, winning an unprecedented 18 games in one season before appearing in the Super Bowl for the fourth time since 2001. (Somehow, I can’t quite remember what happened in the Super Bowl itself. Let’s just move on.) And of course, back in the fall, our major league baseball team, the Boston Red Sox, won its second World Series of the past four seasons. Boston these days is naught but trilling laughter, babbling waterfalls, and frolicking unicorns. (And gloating.)

Alas, our good friends to the south have not been so lucky. New York once had a basketball team. This was replaced some months ago by a sexual harassment boondoggle, and the Knickerbockers (as I believe they were called) have not been heard from since. Their football teams have had mixed success. One team, the Jets, has a fixation with videotaping rivaled only by Paris Hilton’s. The other team, the Giants, has fared better—but again, I’m suddenly drawing a blank about what actually happened with them last season. Strange. And finally, their two baseball teams have also left something to be desired. The Metropolitans recently suffered an embarassing front-office meltdown after suffering a humiliating sub-.500 start after suffering a truly mortifying collapse at the end of last season. And the Yankees—oh, the Yankees. Long looked to as the balm to soothe the frighted souls of tortured New York sports fans, the Yankees are currently only adding to the angst along the Hudson. Is there any hope that the Yankees will turn things around in time to save their city? Let’s take a look.

Their starting pitching has been bad, ranking towards the middle-bottom of the league in nearly every statistical category. Their defensive efficiency is in the bottom third of MLB. They’ve been beset by injuries. All of these were entirely predictable, but what has surprised so far is that their offense, while still one of the top five offenses in the AL, has not been enough this year to get them out of third place behind the Red Sox and the Rays.

So what do they need?

The obvious place to start is with their starting pitching, which has been inconsistent and injury-ravaged. Now, with ace Chien Ming Wang on crutches for the next six weeks, Yankees fans are anticipating a trade. At Yankees Chick, Maureen has an open letter to CC Sabathia. At River Ave Blues, Mike has a rundown of some other possibilities, acknowledging that the price for CC may be too high. Certainly, acquiring a durable, dominant starter would give the Yankees a huge boost and would set them for the postseason, where having a one-two punch in one’s pitching rotation is de rigeur.

But they may want to take a more conservative approach. After all, Mike Mussina is having a very good year. Andy Pettitte has actually been pitching better than you think he’s been pitching, thanks to a lousy BABIP. Joba Chamberlain’s transition to the starting rotation has been very promising. And Phil Hughes and Ian Kennedy certainly have time to come off the DL and contribute. In fact, the Yankees are still so convinced of Hughes’ enormous potential, he’s still considered “untouchtable” in any trade deal.

Finally, and I can’t believe I’m going to say this, Carl Pavano is set to return in August. Now, no one in New York wants to count on Carl Pavano. And I freely admit that the concept of hanging your postseason hopes on a man with scarcely more than 100 innings of work since 2005—the man who once went on the DL with a bruised ass, for crying out loud—does have an air of the ridiculous about it. But it’s not like he’s Matt Clement. If the Yankees do decide they simply must acquire a starter, it might be a better move just to go for a relatively cheap innings-eater than spend a lot of prospects on a mid-season replacement for Wang.

Because while acquiring a Sabathia-level starting pitcher would certainly be an enormous boost to the team’s outlook, the Yankees still have a good shot at getting to the playoffs without making any moves at all (advancing is anther story). Keep in mind that their offensive attack has also been blunted by injuries. There was an uncharacteristic stint on the DL for Alex Rodriguez, an all-too-predictable injury to aging catcher Jorge Posada, and day-to-day aches and pains for Derek Jeter. Jason Giambi was, for much of the start of the season, mired in a terrible slump. Johnny Damon also began rather anemically. All of this combined for a slow start by the vaunted Yankee offense—emphasis on “slow.” The Bombers have never been known for their speed, and so far this year Yankee baserunners have been even slower than usual. (Cashman really ought to pick up a few defensively-minded speedsters to come off the bench.)

However, the Yankee offense is clicking on all cylinders at the moment, pounding their foes with 29 runs over their last three games. Have they turned a corner? Perhaps.

But I’m not entirely convinced. Because so far this season, despite scoring a lot of runs and hitting a lot of extra-base hits, the Yankees rank 9th in the AL in walks, tied with the Indians and just above the Baltimore Orioles. The four teams below them include notoriously free-swinging teams such as the Angels and Royals. Last year, the Yankees finished third in the league in walks. So for New York’s offensive outburst to stick, their hitters are going to need, in the immortal words of Axl Rose, just a little paaaaatience, yeeaaaaaaahhhh.

And that might not be such a bad attitude where their pitching situation is concerned, if the only option is a half-season rental that ends up costing them key prospects. Indeed, patience could be just the ticket, given that New York can unload a number of contracts at the end of this season if they so choose, including those of the aforementioned Mssrs Pavano, Giambi, Pettitte, and Abreu.

-What They Need Index-

Today we learned that Jason Giambi likes to wear a gold, tiger-print thong whenever he needs help breaking out of a slump.

According to Giambi, “The thong works every time.”

But if you thought that’s the only gem unearthed from Franz Lidz’s story about the Giambi, you’d be mistaken.

Giambi on the ups and downs of life:

Whenever something perfect happens you can always count on something else going wrong. As much fun as I had during my ‘comeback season’ in 2006, life was bittersweet. My dog got cancer.”

I’m nominating this for player quote of the year. I can’t explain why I love this quote so much. But just as U.S. Sumpreme Court justice Potter Stewart knew pornography when he saw it, I know a great quote. And that is a great quote.

And Giambi doesn’t stop there.

Giambi on family and responsibility:

“My teammates used to call me the Modern-day Mick because I could play all day and party all night. Now I’m more of a family guy. I drive an Escalade to the ballpark.”

You simply have to love a guy who equates family values with driving an Escalade. You also have to love a guy whose motto is, “party like a rock star, hammer like a porn star, rake like an all-star.” I feel fairly certain that, if John Lennon were alive today, this would be his motto, too.

Giambi on life after baseball:

“After A-Rod retires, he wants to be a real estate mogul, the next Donald Trump. I could care less. As long as I can have a fast boat and a margarita machine and can light my hair on fire, I’ll be just fine.”

When I read this quote, I can’t help but wonder: what is the name of Giambi’s boat? Enquiring minds want to know.

Maybe you’re wondering, “what does Jason have to say about his ice-cold start to the season?” Here’s what:

“I never hear the boos because I’m too busy booing myself,” he says. “No critic is worse on me than me: I can beat myself up pretty good.”

It’s true that Giambi is a very vocal critic. Remember in 2006, when he took Alex Rodriguez to task for failing to hit in the clutch? Here’s what Giambi told A-Rod, who at the time was hitting .286, 34 home runs and 116 RBI:

“When you hit three, four or five [in the order], you have to get the big hits, especially if they’re going to walk Bobby [Abreu] and me. I’ll help you out until you get going. I’ll look to drive in runs when they pitch around me, go after that 3-and-1 pitch that might be a ball. But if they’re going to walk Bobby and me, you’re going to have to be the guy.”

It’s unclear if Giambi has tried wearing his gold thong yet this season. But if he hasn’t given it a shot, what is he waiting for? Jason, you’re hitting .181! Put on the thong! You have to be the guy!

David Ortiz (.070, 1 HR, 3 RBI) “I’m just trying to figure things out for a minute so I can go back to being Big Papi again. You see this in baseball, where a guy will have a hard time, go home, chill out and come back with a fresh mind. It happens to everybody. I always do what Terry tells me to do. I’m an employee.”

Jason Giambi (.107, 2 HR, 4 RBI) “If I’ve been frustrated by anything, it’s that I feel so good and I’m hitting the ball hard and I had nothing to show for it.”

C.C. Sabathia (0-2, 11.57 ERA) “Of course people are going to say that — what else could be the reason?” he said. “It can’t just be that I’m pitching bad. It’s got to be something bigger; why not that? I don’t really care how it looks or seems. I can’t control what people think. I’m just trying to get it right and win baseball games.” — on whether his struggles are caused by contract-year pressure.

Jose Reyes (.225, 0 HR, 6 RBI) “I’m gonna get there. I want to finish my career here.”

Prince Fielder (.222 AVG, 0 HR, 6 RBI) “This game is all mental, anyway. It’s never physical” (so don’t even think about blaming this on my weight or my new vegetarian diet, asshole).

Miguel Cabrera (.175 AVG, 1 HR, 2 RBI) “It’s bad. I’m playing bad. … I feel bad. I feel like everybody’s behind me, laughing.”

Kenny Rogers (0-3, 6.75 ERA) “I’m supposed to be consistent and I was very uncomfortable out there and inconsistent.”

Andruw “The Tubbo” Jones (.100 AVG, 0 HR, 1 RBI) “Do I have to be sad all the time? My mom is still living, my dad is still living, and my mom thinks I’m fine and that’s what matters.”

For those of you who still doubt the power of steroids and HGH, I say behold these before and after shots of Jason Giambi. The before pic, compliments of JoeSportsFan.com, shows Giambi in his pre-performance enhanced days, when he played third base.

I don’t think I need to add anything clever here. I think the photos speak for themselves.

If you were Jason Giambi and you were getting ready to have surgery on your wrist, there are probably a few places where you wouldn’t want the surgery performed: a barnyard, the top of a mountain, the building where a teammate’s two-seater plane crashed just a week earlier, etc.

But it seems like Giambi’s surgery may in fact take place in one of those places. Can you guess which one?

Giambi’s procedure is being done by Dr. Andrew J. Weiland, who is an attending orthopedist at New York Hospital for Special Surgery. Weiland’s office is in the same high-rise that Corey Lidle’s plane crashed into last week.
From the New York Post:

The office of Weiland, who is actually the Mets hand specialist, is in the Belaire, the same Upper East Side high-rise the late Cory Lidle’s plane crashed into last week. Not only were Lidle and Giambi Yankees teammates, they played together with the A’s and were South Hills High School teammates in California. Giambi attended Lidle’s memorial service in Orange County Tuesday. There is a chance the surgery will take place in Weiland’s Belaire office.

This definitely falls into the “what are the odds?” department. Thanks to Zvee for pointing this story out.

Yankees do it again. So what else is new? 

Jason Giambi has a small ligament tear in his left wrist. He’s .233 with no homers in September. Maybe he really is off the juice. Or maybe this is just the breakdown of his steroid-ravaged connective tissue. Either way, at least the ’stache is gone.

Also, SportsCenter showed footage of the Yankees’ totally anticlimactic (grumble grumble) champagne-soaked clinch-fest, including a quick one-armed embrace/backslap/no-we’re-not-gay man-hug administered by Alex Rodriguez to Derek Jeter. The locker room reporter quickly homed in on Jeter and shouted jovially, “You and Alex just shared a hug—some people thought they’d never see that!” To which the dripping-wth-bubbly Jeter replied, with a sardonic smile, ”We’ve hugged before. We’ve been together a while.” Apparently so.

Giambi then tried to say that the comments he made to Tom Verducci for this week’s Sports Illustrated cover story were meant in a positive light. That is, these comments:

Giambi is quoted in the article as saying Rodriguez has a “false confidence” and that Torre should “stop coddling him.”

Yeah, “stop coddling him” is totally taken out of context. I can just tell. And “false confidence”? I’m sure Giambi meant “false confidence” in a good way. Whatevs. Everyone’s friends on a winning team.

I think I’ll also take this opportunity to randomly and gratuitously highlight the lame comments A-Rod made in the article, just because I hate him (via Mike Vaccaro of the NY Post):

“I can’t help that I’m a bright person,” is one of the lead quotes that Rodriguez provides Tom Verducci for his brilliant cover story in this week’s Sports Illustrated….

 “Mike Mussina doesn’t get hammered at all,” he said. “He’s making a boatload of money. Jason Giambi’s making $20.4 million, which is fine and dandy, but it seems those guys get a pass. When people write bad things about me, I don’t know if it’s because I’m good-looking, I’m biracial, I make the most money, I play on the most popular team. . . .”

“I have perfect pitch, I always put the seat down, every full moon I lay golden eggs that I autograph and donate to UNICEF. I mean, I can’t help it if my shit don’t stink. Look it’s not easy being this talented, this rich, and this good-looking, okay?”

There can be only two possible explanations for the Hague-worthy crime currently taking place on Jason Giambi’s upper lip:

Either he thinks that its gruesome presence will distract any nosy reporters from even noticing the suspiciously puffy face surrounding it, or he is hoping it will turn anyone who dares look too closely at his water-retaining visage immediately to stone, thus effectively preventing them from asking any probing questions about his, um, training regimen.

Either way, this is clearly the facial hair of a desperate man.

***UPDATE: Jason Giambi was planning to shave off his mustache Monday night anyway, but when he saw the clippers during the game he figured there was no point in waiting any longer. So after striking out in the first inning, Giambi went back into the clubhouse and emerged a little later sans ’stache, hoping a change in facial hair might help spark a change in his results at the plate.
– New York Daily News

***UPDATE UPDATE: It didn’t help. Giambi went 0 for 4 with 2 strikeouts on Monday vs. the Royals.