When Jeff Kent announced his retirement recently, baseball lost much more than a great second baseman. It lost a great mustache.

Amazingly, Kent’s ’stache is not one of the handful of fuzzes that has its own entry in our Unfortunate Facial Hair pantheon. But don’t be fooled: his was truly fabulous fur. And it is not the only UFH that we stand to lose. Mike Piazza retired in May (and to mark the occasion Paul created a Piazza UFH retrospective). Now it’s looking increasingly unlikely that Sal Fasano will find a job. And both Todd Helton and Randy Johnson are in the twilights of their respective careers.

For the good of the game and, yes, for the good of America it’s time for these UFH vets to pass the torch to a greener generation. Here are a few young players who might consider picking up where the vets left off.

Kent’s actually toned down his mustache late in his career, but in his early years with the mets his flavor savor was large and in charge.

What would happen if we took Kent’s mustache and put it on Troy Tulowitzki’s baby face?

equals…

Whoah! Where does the line for mustache rides form?

Read the rest of this entry »

I don’t mind contrarians. Hell, I am one. But Bill Price at the New York Daily News has just taken things a bit too far, then stopped, took a look around, took a couple more steps, and then sprinted out of sight and into the horizon.

As UmpBump's Zvee Geffen notes, Jeff Kent looked a lot like an older Haley Joel Osment yesterday.

In his running column entitled “The Bitter Bill” (get it?), he wrote about the retirement of Jeff Kent – more specifically, his candidacy for the Hall of Fame.

Let me say first that I can deal with people who argue that Kent’s not a Hall of Famer. I’ll disagree with them and not-so-secretly judge them if they ever do make the claim, but I can live with it.

But for the love of Catfish, please show me that you have an ounce of understanding about baseball before you put your argument in print:

But I say Kent cannot be looked at as a second baseman, especially in this day and age where middle infielders all over baseball are putting up numbers usually posted by outfielders and third baseman.

Wait. I know we just started, but wait. So Kent wasn’t a second baseman? Then what the hell do you call that guy who stands near second base on the right half of the diamond? Because that’s where Kent used to stand around fielding grounders and stuff. And someone should also tell Price that first basemen can hit too. And there’s really no comparison between the numbers that they put up and those that middle infielders do. Check it out. You might learn something.

We have to start judging players – other than catchers – as all part of the same pool.

By this logic, we can put Ryan Howard at shortstop. You’ll hardly notice the difference, Phillies fans!

Is Nomar Garciaparra a Hall of Famer because he put up big numbers at shortstop?

No. No one who understands that a player has to play to be in the Hall of Fame has said that Nomar is a Hall of Famer.

Kent was never a great fielder. He had to hide somewhere and most teams chose to put him at second base.

This is precisely the moment when my mind exploded. You can hide someone by putting them at second base? Are you sure you meant to write this? Who in their right mind can give this man a job as a sportswriter? How are you more successful at your job than I am at mine?

Also, Kent played in the steroids era, so all of the numbers from that time have to be judged on some sort of scale. 600 homers may have to be the new 500 homers.

Yay! I love arbitrary numbers! So if 600 is the new 500, then that means that each homerun hit these days is worth .833 of one hit pre-steroids, right? Which gives Kent (in pre-steroid value)… 314 homeruns… Which is still the most ever hit by a ‘guy who stands between first and second base’. By 32 homeruns. You should really think before you write, Bill. Or did you mean 700 is the new 500? Maybe 721?

And while Kent’s numbers may have gotten him into the Hall of Fame 10 years ago, they are comparable to several other players who will be retiring soon or have already retired and likely won’t ever get in.

(Mind racing. Trying to think of other middle infielders whose careers can compare to Kent’s…)

Albert Belle has more homers (381) than Kent. Is he a Hall of Famer?
Gary Sheffield has more homers (499), hits (2,615) and RBIs (1,633) than Kent. Is he a Hall of Famer?

Clearly, I’ve wasted my time even thinking.

Andres Gallarraga (399), Dale Murphy (398), Joe Carter (396), Jason Giambi (396), Vlad Guerrero (392), Graig Nettles (390), Dwight Evans (385), Harold Baines (384), Larry Walker (383) and Matt Williams (378) all have more homers than Kent.

But… They’re not second basem…

Plus, in the next few years, plenty of guys with over 450 HRs will start to retire. Just how many players will the writers put in each year?

Has this guy ever seen a game of baseball? I mean, he does know that Home Run Derbies are just once a year right? And that in real games, things like “hits”, “doubles” and “walks” count too?

It should be interesting. I just want to know if Kent will go in as a Met if he makes it.

I’ll let you know, Bill. I’ll be sure to let you know. So for now, rest easy and not pay attention to sports again for a while.Because clearly, you’ve gotten away with it so far.

NOTE: Ken, dak and Junior… Please don’t sue me for this post. And come back.

NOTE PART DEUX: Hat tip to Rob Neyer for the article.

We’ve done the All-Smith team. We’ve done the All-Canadian team versus the All-Jewish team. And now UmpBump brings you: the All-Mormon team.

There have been nearly enough Mormons in the majors to support a 40-man roster. One thing the All-Mormon team won’t be short on is starting pitching. They’ve got right-handed All-Star Roy Halladay as the ace of the staff (lifetime ERA of 3.63 and Cy Young winner), followed by another All-Star righthander in Vernon Law (1950-1967, ERA of 3.77). After that, they’ve got lefty All-Star Bruce Hurst (1980-1994, ERA of 3.92), righty Kelly Downs (1986-1993, ERA of 3.86) and still-promising righty Jeremy Guthrie (4.11 ERA)

For a closer, it’s hard to do much better than Hall of Famer Dennis Eckersley, a six-time All Star, an MVP, and a Cy Young Award winner. They’ve even got a decent set-up man in the form of All-Star reliever Rick Aguilera (1985-2000, 3.57 ERA). Unfortunately, the middle relief is much less inspiring–Kyle Farnsworth (4.47 ERA), Mike Fetters (3.86 ERA), Jim Gott (3.87 ERA), Ryan Jensen (5.06 ERA), and Jason Johnson (4.99 ERA).

Onto the offense! What kind of lineup could the Church of Latter Day Saints run out there?

Leading off and playing centerfield, you’d have speedy rookie Jacoby Ellsbury—and while I do doubt very much he’ll be hitting .353 for the rest of his career, it’s not a bad start.

Batting second and playing first base, I’ll go with career .289 hitter Wally Joyner, an All-Star and a lefty, who also has some pop.

Third, who but Hall of Famer Harmon Killebrew (1954-1975)? Don’t be fooled by his career .256 batting average. The man compiled a nice .376 OBP by walking his way to victory. Oh, and the 573 homers weren’t bad either. Killebrew played 3B, OF, and 1B in his career, but for the purposes of this exercise, I’m DH-ing him.

In the cleanup spot, it’s got to be MVP second baseman Jeff Kent. A career .290 hitter, Kent has 365 home runs and is a six-time All Star. And, he always bats fourth. Always.

In the five-hole, it’s All-Star Dale “The Murph” Murphy (1976-1993). A .265 right-handed hitter, he also hit for power (racking up 398 career homers). The two-time MVP also played Gold Glove-worthy right field.

Sixth, the left fielder, Dane Iorg (1977-1986). He bats left, to the tune of .276.

Batting seventh, the third baseman, All-Star Vance Law (1980-1991). The son of Vern, above, Vance hit just .256 but managed some power.

Batting eighth and playing short? None other than Bobby Crosby. The 2004 Rookie of the Year may bat just .240, sure, but the only other option was Luis Gomez (1974-1981), who had a career average of .210 and never hit a single home run.

Ninth, the catcher, Alan Ashby (1973-1989). He hits an uninspiring .245, but at least he’s a switch-hitter.

Who do we have on the bench? Ken Hubbs (1961-1963) is a defensive replacement/injury fill-in for Jeff Kent. Hubbs was the first player to win a Gold Glove the same year he collected the Rookie of the Year trophy. Despite hitting only .247, he was considered among the premiere second basemen in the game during his brief time in the majors. (Tragically, he died in a plane crash at the age of 22.)

No team is complete without a fourth outfielder. I suggest righty Barry Bonnell (1977-1986) for this purpose, as he hits a respectable .272. And as an overall utilityman, I’ll go with Brian Banks (1996-2003), who hit only .246 but played most of the positions on the field at some point during his career and was a switch hitter. The backup catcher is John Buck, who hits a paltry .237 but at least has occasional pop.

The result? Not a bad team. Solid starting pitching and a great closer, not to mention one of the best 3-4-5 combos you could hope for. Two Hall of Famers, and two other guys who could feasibly be elected someday. Some Cy Young winners, some Rookies of the Year, some Gold Glovers, MVPs and All-Stars. They’re just a couple of converts away from fixing their middle relief problem.

The All-Mormon Team is definitely a playoff contender. And they’d definitely beat the Canadians.

Well, at least a little bit.

In an interview with the LA Times, Kent called for the Major Leagues to begin blood testing and to initiate testing during the playoffs. Kent told TJ Simers:

“I’d like to see every player take a blood test and have the samples frozen,” Kent says, then waiting for the day when there’s a foolproof HGH test to identify the cheaters.

“Not everyone in the game is using HGH, but I would bet it still is being abused,” he says. “Why not have blood tests? If ultimately you want a clean game, then it needs to happen.

“They ought to be testing for drugs in the playoffs too. They never do that.”

Kent also called out some of his fellow players for their lame confessions:

“The Mitchell Report is probably just 1% of those who have cheated in the game. It gives a very small sampling of what was going on.

“Now we’re hearing about some guys who cheat and the phony excuses like I got hurt, so I just used HGH one time. Whether they are telling the truth or not, people are finally having to answer to some things.”

Kent has generally been a clubhouse cancer and an ass wherever he has gone (even though his assholishness seemed like a mere drop in the ocean when he played alongside Barry Bonds) , so these are pretty much the first words that have come out of his mouth that I agree with.

I’m not sure if this is just Jeff Kent looking ahead to his own Hall of Fame eligibility and thinking strategically. I mean, if he says things like this, he MUST have been clean, right? Yet it is easy for Kent to say these kinds of things at the very end of his career, a career in which he had a late-blooming, mid-30s power surge of his own.

But for now I’m going to give Kent the benefit of the doubt. Because these are words that need to be said, and I’m glad somebody is saying them. The vast collusion by the players to not talk about performance enhancing drugs and not rat out other players completely hamstrung the Mitchell report outside of the Randomski ring evidence, and is a massive roadblock to the game coming clean and moving forward.

Jeff Kent’s mild and vague criticism of his fellow players and his calls for testing when he is virtually past the point where it would affect him is only a start. But we need to do whatever we can to encourage more players to throw their support behind cleaning up the game, and even if that means I have to throw some love at no less than Jeff Kent, I’ll suck it up and give him some props. For the good of the game.

I’m not sure which of these three things is the most ludicrous:

1. Jeff Kent returning to Los Angeles having exercised his one-year/$9m option after expressing despair and incredulity over the younger Dodger players and “why they don’t get it”. Good luck mending those fences, Jeff. It’s uh… gonna be awkward. At least the money’s good.

2. Paul Lo Duca telling the press that his new team, the Washington Nationals, has a chance to win (the) division. Like, this year. From what I understand, he was being completely serious. For real.

3. One of our favorites, Mr. Carl Pavano – the $40 million man – being asked by the Yankees to accept a minor-league deal. This is just pure schadenfreude on my part, I know. But I can’t help it.