Today’s lunchtime reading put me in an inquisitive mood. So let’s do it up as a questionnaire:

From 38Pitches, Curt Schilling would like to know: why wasn’t Kyle Farnsworth ejected for throwing at Manny Ramirez last night?

From Deuce of Davenport, why does Marty Brennaman hate Cubs fans so much?

From Slate, why are today’s ballplayers more likely to be born in August, and why are tomorrow’s stars more likely to be born in May?

From PhilSox Blog, why could that whole buried-Sox-jersey-in-the-Bronx thing have been an elaborate hoax?

From Fire Joe Morgan, why are “gamers” always white?

From Home Run Derby, why can Carlos Pena only hit home runs?

From Beantown West, why is Torii Hunter annoyed that white players wore #42?

From Cobra Brigade, why do the Cubs always get such freak injuries?

And speaking of freak injuries, Sports by Brooks would like to know: why the heck is Joel Zumaya doing keg stands?

Now for some questions of my own:

Why is Baseball-Bats calling first-pitch throwing Victoria Beckham a D-Lister? (Posh rocks! Posh is fierce! Posh is going to kill you!)

Why is Baseball Digest Daily arguing to get rid of batting average? (If you don’t like it, you don’t have to look at it!)

And why does Joel Sherman of the New York Post think that the Sox-Yanks rivalry ended in 2004? (Do you not remember Johnny Damon switching sides in ‘05? The five-game sweep in ‘06? The ‘07 pennant race?!)

And of course, UmpBumpers, we’re always looking for good reading here at UmpBump. Have you read something neat lately? Let me know!

Earlier this week, I was hustling to make dinner so that I could get going on this week’s Metro column. Yanking my bowl of soup out of the microwave, I suffered a freak Joel Zumaya-esque accident as the steaming liquid spilled all over my right forearm. I was wearing a wool sweater, which soaked up the scalding soup like a sponge and kept it simmering against my tender forearm flesh for second after agonizing second. I of course did the only rational thing: I flung down the bowl, screamed like a banshee, and stripped off half my clothes.Now, writing seems like a placid, harmless pastime, where one is exposed only to a slight risk of carpal tunnel syndrome or, if one is old-school, a paper cut or two. So what could ever stop one from writing?! No physical limitation could do it—when Milton went blind, he just composed Paradise Lost in his head. No time-management problem is a sufficient excuse—after all, Jane Austen managed to knock out six novels while shoving her drafts in a drawer every time someone walked into the room. And the truly dedicated cannot be deterred even by a growing sense that maybe it’s time to get a real job—Virgil spent 10 years writing the Aeneid (working at a painstaking rate of three lines per day) and still hadn’t finished it when he died (quitter!).

But I defy anyone to write a sports column while their right arm is covered in blisters and submerged in a bucket of ice water. (Unless, of course, you’re left-handed.) Oh, I ultimately got the column done. But it wasn’t pretty. And I had to scale back my blogging, leaving Team UmpBump in the lurch. (Unfortunately, there’s no Jed Lowrie in the UmpBump farm system, largely because we don’t have a farm system.)

So to the 120 baseball players on the disabled list and the dozens of others who are day-to-day and playing through their bumps and bruises, I salute you. In a new and quite literal way, I feel your pain. And tonight, I’m popping some Advil and coming off the DL. I’m liveblogging the Red Sox-Yankees game, busted arm or no. We can call it, “The Bloody Sleeve.”

Ha!

So THAT’S where the flame-throwing, punk-ass rookie bitch gets his juice from!

Continuing a trend of ball players publicly (albeit unintentionally) endorsing video games, the Detroit Free Press is reporting that Joel Zumaya’s injury during this years ALCS (he was injured?) originated out of the pitcher’s constant play of a certain Air-guitar inducing video game.

Club president and general manager Dave Dombrowski told WXYT-AM (1270) on Wednesday the team had concluded Zumaya’s injury resulted from playing a video game, not from his powerful throwing motion.

“That was probably what was taking place,” Dombrowski later told the Free Press.

Zumaya, 22, was known to play “Guitar Hero,” a PlayStation 2 game in which a player uses a guitar-shaped controller to simulate the performance of popular songs.

Good thing Joel wasn’t injured playing a classic like Leisure Suite Larry.

[via Joystiq]

So I heard it last night during the ESPN Radio broadcast: the radar gun in St. Louis was showing a 10 mph disparity in between some pitches. No biggie, after all, radar guns have come into question all throughout this post-season.

But Joe Morgan said something that caught my attention, he mentioned that Joel Zumaya, the flame-throwing set-up man for the Tigers, likes to get a feel for how hard/fast he can throw in whatever stadium he’s pitching.

Being tuff-gong kind of guy, I bet Zumaya revels whenever the stadium radar gun flashes those triple-digit numbers he is accused of hitting with his fast-ball.

Thing is, they never did last night. The sadium gun in St. Louis flashed numbers in the mid 90s whereas the Fox broadcast showed 100-101 mph pitches. Zumaya sez he wasn’t lookin’.

Either way, did all of that get to his head? Morgan thought so, he was talking about Zumaya trying to throw harder every time, so as to get to his 100+ mph fastball, in effect, allowing for wildness in his pitches.

He promptly walked the first two batters in the seventh, Eckstein and Wilson, to get to Albert Pujols. He was on a 2-0 count on Pujols when we now know, he gets Albert to hit a weak grounder back to the mound and instead of throwing to second for an easy double-play, his head spontaneously combusts, throwing wide of third and letting two runs score.

Zumaya sez he wasn’t looking.

It was the wise Gary Payton who once dubbed a young rook by the name of Steve Francis, a naïve mind of sorts, a “Punk-ass bitch” for dissin’ the then Vancouver Grizzlies and forcing a trade to the Houston Rockets – at draft night.

But this is UmpBump; and before I stray too far away from the point (because, frankly, I had to do serious homework for this one) I shall nominate my Rookie of the Year candidates and other Punk-Ass Rookie Bitches – otherwise referred to as PARBs.

Instead of concentrating solely on stats and numbers, I decided to look for names that, during the course of the season, caught my eye for having a certain level of maturity and consistency.
Players like Matt Cain, the Giants’ rookie starter, who came close to a no-hitter, but sucked balls for my Fantasy team when I added him soon after, will not qualify for my list.

I’ll briefly elaborate on the PARBs that I think deserve some recognition for their skills; but before that, here’s who I think will win the ROY award in each League.

AL

Justin Verlander, SP Detroit Tigers

Verlander was unhittable during the first half of the season. A starter with a 95+ mph fastball is no joke. Being a rook, his arm fatigued towards the end, but his 17 wins will sure get him the ROY award.

NL

Hanley Ramirez, SS Florida Marlins

So apparently, the entire Marlins’ infielder squad could receive the ROY award as a team, since they are among the top rookies in hitting. I had to pick one of ‘em, and what the hell, I went with Ramirez because he has the higherst BA amongst NL rookies (AVG .294 | HR 17 | RBI 59 | OBP .355 | SLG .485 ). I just as well could’ve picked Dan Uggla (AVG .282 | HR 26 | RBI 89 | OBP .338 | SLG .478).

Now here are who I think are other notable rooks:

• Joel Zumaya, RP Detroit Tigers
(right)

Buster Olney had a ho-hum feature for ESPN.com Insiders about the 20 best weapons in the post-season (I mean, c’mon, Chase Utley’s energy?!?), but he did strike a chord with Joel Zumaya’s fastball. The kid has a flame tattooed around his glove hand, so when he’s ready to delivery his 100-mph fastball, it looks as if he garners his strength from the flames around his glove. Nice.

He also leads the league in Holds with 29 (a semi dubious stat; but quantifiable none-the-less; and he’s tied for second in innings pitched with 79.0 (before Friday’s game).

It was common knowledge towards the end of the season that if a Tiger’s starting arm faltered, they only had to stay in the game until Zumaya was summoned.

• Melky Cabrera, OF New York Yankees

Suuuuure, tha Yankees are done this year, suuure with Matsui an’ Sheff done fo’ da year you can almost bet them’ Sawks will win the division.

And then The Milk Man came on the scene. Not only did Cabrera fill in nicely for Matsui, the Yankees had a hint of a Left-fielder controversy when Matsui was able to return. While his numbers were not astronomical (.279, 7 hr, 50 rbi, 451 ab, unlike, say Ryan Howard); his contribution was more than enough to solidify the Yanks’ conquest of the AL East crown once again.

• Anibal Sanchez, SP Florida Marlins

Well I gotta include the kid, the no-hitter kid; how could I not? His numbers are decent (10-3 with 114.1 IP and 18 starts), but remember, we’re looking at the bigger picture here. What rooks are going to have the composure to carry their careers into the next level. Besides, his middle name can only help.

Honorable mention: Francisco Liriano SP Minnesota Twins, Prince Fielder 1B Milwaukee Brewers, Ryan Zimmerman 3B Washington Nationals.