The latest triumphs and defeats in the UmpBump fantasy league.

Sarah: Alejandro’s Centerfield Stud went head-to-head against my Somerville Green Sox last week, and I decided to talk a little smack right off the bat. “More like Centerfield Dud!” I quipped, prompting Alejandro to reply, “Really? After one day?” But the Green Sox finished just as strong as they started, leading to a 10-2 whupping, winning everything but saves and OBP. (And I came within .005 of taking OBP too.) Not content to rest on my laurels, however, I made some moves to ensure future success. Clayton Kershaw, on whom I used a waiver priority not too long ago, has been banished to the minors and isn’t likely to be recalled in time to be of much use to me. I dropped him and picked up reliever Damaso Marte, who has been pitching well and getting save opportunities with Pittsburgh’s Matt Capps DLed until September. And with Vernon Wells hitting the DL—again!—I picked up Marlins outfielder Cody Ross, who doesn’t have a great OBP (only .316) but who at least hits some homers and is swinging the bat well right now. Hot: Matt Kemp, Ryan Braun, Troy Glaus, David Murphy, J.D. Drew, Ian Kinsler, Justin Verlander, Andy Pettitte, Matt Cain, Pedro Martinez. Not: Brian Wilson, Xavier Nady, James Loney, Stephen Drew.

Alejandro : I knew it. I knew a week like this was inevitable. It was only a matter of time before all the injuries came to back to bite me and sure enough, this week was it. Dan Uggla was AWOL, Chipper Jones was hobbled, and Conor Jackson still can’t shake off the injury bug. I had decent weeks from the rest of the team, but it was no match for the Somerville Green Sox. It also doesn’t help that one of my stud starters, Gavin Floyd, decided to melt in the hot Texas air and give up five runs in 2.2 innings for a very elevated 20.65. Oh and Jon Garland joined in the 20+ earned runs party with 23.63 of his own. But I’m sure the Center Field Stud will put this week behind and keep on surging towards first place. Hot : Carlos Delgado (hot pick-up), Hanley Ramirez, Jermaine Dye (slump breaker), Tim Lincecum (when is he not?), Billy Wagner. Not : Gavin Floyd, Jon Garland, Josh Beckett (9.00 ERA?)

Paul: Dun-de-de-dun-de-de-dun-de-de-dun-dun-duuuun-duuuuuuuuuuuuun! That, my friends, is the theme song to “Bonanza”! I simply cannot think of a tune that more accurately expresses my feeling of victory. I slayed the Swamp Dragons (Doug) by the score of 9-2-1. And he was slimy. Oh yes, he was slimy. My offense did most of the work, winning all six categoties – and the only one that was close was stolen bases. Kevin Youkilis smacked in 10 RBIs (thanks to his 6 RBI game on June 12th), and was matched by Jhonny Peralta. Adam Dunn only got on base four times all week, but they actually all turned out to be dingers, which is nice. And Shane Victorino turned in a finely balanced week – 6 R, 2HR, 6 RBI, 1 SB, 23 TB, .452 OBP. On the transaction front, I got tired of waiting for Edwin Encarnacion to come around (I really expected him to do well this year) so I dropped him in favor of Marcus Thames, who I was surprised to see was still readily available. On the mound, the pitchers did pretty well although the Swamp Dragons put up a very good fight. Despite a respectable ERA (3.24) and WHIP (1.23), those were the two categories I dropped. Scott Kazmir has slowed down since his torrid start which was bound to happen. Ted Lilly got his junk knocked around violently. But enough guys like the incredibly underappreciated Scott Baker, Cliff Lee, and Justin Duchscherer did their part to limit the damage. And welcome to the National League, C.C. Sabathia! I think you’ll like the hitters in the NL Central just fine. Hot: Kevin Youkilis, Jhonny Peralta, Shane Victorino, Jim Thome, Justin Duchscherer, C.C. Sabathia, Cliff Lee. Not: Kosuke Fukudome, Scott Kazmir, Ted Lilly.

Coley : Another week, another loss. At least this one was close. Utley’s Firm Quads beat me 7-5. He took all the offensive categories, except for steals, and I took all the pitching categories, except for WHIP and K/BB. And I only lost WHIP by .07. Obviously, I need to add some offense. My .260 OBP this week was sad. At least my team is fast. Josh Hamilton, in addition to knocking in 11 RBI last week, also stole three bases. I saw Hamilton tag up and go from first to second on a fly ball to center during a Cactus League game this spring and it was the fastest I’d seen anyone move in a long time. I think he could probably steal 30 bases a season, if he wasn’t so busy hitting homers and breaking home run derby contest records. Hot : Josh Hamilton, Jack Cust, Rich Harden, Dice-K. Not : Mark Teixeira, Brandon Phillips, Yunel Escobar, Carl Crawford, Garry Sheffield.

Standings (games behind):

1. Paul – ElDuquesInjuryReport ( – )
2. Scott – Utley’s Firm Quads ( 9.5 )
3. Alejandro – Center Field Stud ( 11.5 )
4. Kirk – Montefusco’s Revenge ( 15 )
5. Doug – Swamp Dragons ( 16 )
6. Sarah – Somerville Green Sox ( 17 )
7. Ania – Box89RowKKSeat14 ( 24 )
8. Larry – croutchyoldman ( 31.5 )
9. Bryan – Pirates in ‘08! ( 33.5 )
10. Coley – Crunkball All-Stars ( 38 )
11. Caitlin – caitlin grace ( 40 )
12. Sooze – freebase my balls ( 46 )

Yesterday, MLB Trade Rumors reported that Josh Hamilton had switched agents, moving from Sosnick Cobbe Sports to Moye Sports Associates because he “wanted to be with a Christian stable.”

This made me curious. Christian sports agents? I did a quick google search and couldn’t find a website for Moye Sports Associates (Note to Hamilton: it is NOT a good sign when your agent doesn’t have a website). I did find an address and phone number:

Moye Sports Associates, Inc.: 5400 Laurel Springs Pkwy Suite 401 Suwanee GA, 30024-0000 (404) 577-3700.

Suwanee, Georgia. One of the top 10 places in America to live, according to Money Magazine. And a darn good place to locate a sports management company, if you ask me.

A little more research revealed that Moye Sports Associates is run by Mike Moye and former pitcher Scott Sanderson. The firm last made headlines in 2001 when they dropped their biggest client, White Sox slugger Frank Thomas, after he skipped a few workouts to protest his contract.

Here’s what Moye had to say about Thomas at the time:

“From the beginning of our involvement with Frank this off-season, we have consistently advised him to honour his contract, perform to the best of his abilities on the field and address any issues he might have with the White Sox privately,” his agents said in a statement. “Based on recent discussions with Frank, we have concluded that we have divergent views on certain principles that we believe are fundamental in the representation of our clients.”

Former major leaguer Sanderson became a partner at Moye Sports after a long and distinguished playing career. He earned an All-Star selection in 1991 and finished with a 163-143 record, a 3.84 ERA and 1,611 strikeouts with seven different teams.

But baseball isn’t all Sanderson is interested in. He also fancies himself a bit of a journalist:

“I’m the youngest of five children. I’m not impulsive,” he said. “I don’t react quickly to things I don’t investigate. I did some investigative journalism and found out that the claims Jesus Christ made were correct. Shortly thereafter, I asked Christ to come into my life.”

No word on whether Sanderson adhered to the “three source rule” when investigating Christ’s claims (He has yet to publish his findings), but Sanderson is relishing the opportunity to “counsel his clients in a broad range of issues like handling success and failure on the field, dealing with a difficult manager and playing through injuries” – all for a mere 10 percent (give or take).

Today, Moye Sports Associates’ clients include Boston ace Josh Beckett, Houston first baseman Lance Berkman and Colorado first baseman Todd Helton, as well as Detroit Lions quarterback Jon Kitna and U.S. Olympic sprinter Allyson Felix.

Now you can add Josh Hamilton, a former heroin addict with colorful tattoos and 65 RBI, to that list. And now that Hamilton is on board, it’s about time to negotiate a long-term, multimillion dollar deal. Because, after all, what would Jesus do?

Sarah: Another frustrating week for the Somerville Green Sox, as my torrid offense fought Doug’s ridiculous pitching to a 6-6 draw. Yes, I won all the offensive categories and his Swamp Dragons took all of the pitching categories. It may be time to begin to start to think about maybe pondering whether it’s a good idea to consider the possibility of perhaps making a trade. But I’m not sure. Hot: Ryan Braun (six HR!), Ian Kinsler (4 steals!), Troy Glaus (finally!). Not: Xavier Nady (time for him to cool off, I suppose), Rickie Weeks, Carlos Guillen, everyone on my pitching staff.

Paul: My team looked to be in trouble earlier this week. As of Tuesday, ElDuquesInjuryReport was tied with team caitlin grace (for the life of me, I can’t remember the owner’s name) 6-6 and the younger members of my ball club were beginning to doubt if the team’s four-week winning streak was going to come to an end. Sensing their timidity on the field, the veterans in the clubhouse decided to call a players-only meeting. Now I wasn’t in the room when it happened, but there were lots of yelling. Trevor Hoffman was going on about rah-rah this and ho-hum that. Frankly, it didn’t sound like English at all. Then Kosuke Fukudome uttered some inspiring words of encouragement, but only me and Hiroki Kuroda understood what he was saying. And then the whole-thing degenerated into a “whose head is bigger” contest between Thome, Dunn and Holliday. Anyway, the meeting clearly worked as the squad had a true team effort the rest of the way en route to an 11-0 thrashing. Hot: David Wright, Adam Dunn, C.C. Sabathia, George Sherrill. Not: Greg Smith, Jim Thome, Edwin Encarnacion, Huston Street.

Alejandro: Although I’m on vacation, my team is going to work, putting together another impressive week with a 8-2 victory over croutchyoldman and catapulting to 5th place(!). Again, Dan Uggla has proven quite a find in the waiver market, keeping up the hotness (though I’m not sure how long he’ll be able to sustain it). But really, this week it was the usual suspects providing all the offensive prowess. Carlos Lee in particular, (2 HR, 5 RBI, and 15 Total Bases). But I have to pat myself (cautiously) on the back, for my two starters whom I picked up from the FA pool have turned in impressive numbers and results. Todd Wellemeyer picked up a win, struck out 5 and held a miniscule 1.29 ERA; Vicente Padilla did his part too, getting a win, striking out 8 and having a competitive 3.29 ERA. Gavin Floyd also rebounded from last week’s disaster in Anaheim, notching the win, striking out 3 and going ofer in the ERA department. Alas, not all my pitching pickups were winners, as Mark Hendrickson got tagged with 4 runs, ballooning his ERA to 7.20. Not good. Even with Hendrickson’s suckage, my pitching did all the heavy lifting this week, earning me 5 out of my 8 wins. I have to give honorable mention to Kerry Wood, who also rebounded for a strong week with 3 saves, 5 Ks and a 2.45 ERA. Hot: Dan Uggla, Chipper Jones (.400 baby!), Carlos Lee, Todd Wellemeyer, Vicente Padilla, Tim Lincecum, Kerry Wood, B.J. Ryan. Not: Mark Hendrickson, Hanley Ramirez, Emil Brown (cooled off, one more week and he’s gone), Connor Jackson.

Coley: Every week is a good week to own Josh Hamilton. But this week the Rangers’ CF was especially prolific, to the tune of 3 HR, 10 RBI and 20 total bases. Anchored by Hamilton, my offense came alive (12 HR, 46 RBI and 112 total bases). But it wasn’t enough, not nearly enough, to overcome Pirates in ‘08! (43 runs, 21 HR, 58 RBI, 145 total bases). What can I say? Alfonso Soriano is on a roll. Hot: Josh Hamilton, Brandon Phillips, Jered Weaver, Dice-K. Not: Brett Myers, C.J. Wilson, Johnny Damon.

Standings, with games behind:

1. Paul (ElDuquesInjuryReport) (0)

2. Scott (Utley’s Firm Quads) (4)

3. Bryan (Pirates in 08!) (11.5)

4. Doug (Swamp Dragons) (13)

5. Alejandro (Center Field Stud) (15)

6. Sarah (Somerville Green Sox) (16.5)

7. Kirk (Montefusco’s Revenge) (18.5)

8. Larry(croutchyoldman) (20.5)

9. Ania (Box89RowKKSeat14) (22)

10. Sooze (freebase my balls) (28)

11. Caitlin (caitlin grace) (30)

12. Coley (Crunkball All Stars) (31)

This is one of a series of posts in which we throw feces at each team’s ineffectual attempts to improve and daub them with rosewater in those areas where they have managed to do so.

What is there to say about the Rangers this year? They’re clearly going to come in last—again—in an already weak division. (A division that only has four teams. Lame!) I can barely muster up the spleen required to rip them. So much for “in-your-face baseball commentary.” But let’s give it a shot anyway—after all, this may be the one post UmpBump writes about the Rangers all year. (At least until Milton Bradley acts up again.) To add interest to this fairly lackluster team, I will rely on an old writerly device: the exclamation point!

So I looked at the projected lineup of the Texas Rangers (below) one thing really stands out: only two players played 130 games or more last season, and only four topped 100 games! And when I looked at their starting rotation, I noticed that no pitcher on the list has an ERA of under 4.50!

Oof!

Texas is fielding quite a motley crew this season. Michael Young, arguably the only shortstop worse defensively than Derek Jeter! Josh Hamilton, who recovered from his crack addiction by finding Jesus! Milton Bradley, last seen causing himself a season-ending injury by trying to attack an umpire! Jarrod Saltalamacchia, who married his high school teacher!

Nonetheless, if I can set aside the ennui these Rangers induce in me, I have to admit there are some pretty interesting players on this team. Hamilton, for instance. In a recent article discussing Hamilton and Bradley, Jerry Crasnick writes:

At Rangers camp in Surprise, [Arizona,] they’re getting a crash course in what the fuss was all about. Hamilton hits high, majestic drives over the fence in batting practice, and his teammates strain for superlatives.

“We haven’t had any shortage of offensive monsters since I’ve been here,” says Michael Young, ticking off the names of Alex Rodriguez, Alfonso Soriano, Carlos Lee and Juan Gonzalez, among others. “But I think they might all take a backseat to this guy in batting practice. When you’re hitting balls to the opposite field off the top of the clubhouse, it’s just silly.”

His fellow Rangers attest that the ball even sounds different as it comes off Hamilton’s bat.

“I’ve never seen anyone as gifted as him,” Texas second baseman Ian Kinsler says. “He was born to play this game.”

Well, at least he should be fun to watch! And of course, Saltalamacchia will be getting his first full season in the bigs. That will be nice. And the aforementioned Milton is sure to entertain—for better or for worse!

Acquisitions: Milton Bradley LF, Kazuo Fukumori RP, Eddie Guardado RP, Jason Jennings SP, Chris Shelton 1B, Ben Broussard 1B, Josh Hamilton CF

Losses: Brad Wilkerson RF, Edinson Volquez SP, Freddy Guzman CF, Armando Galarraga SP, Sammy Sosa DH, Jerry Hairston Jr. CF

Projected Lineup, Rotation, and Closer:

SS Michael Young .315 AVG, .366 OBP, 9 HR, 156 games

3B Hank Blalock .293 AVG, .358 OBP, 10 HR, 58 games

CF Josh Hamilton, .292 AVG, .368 OBP, 19 HR, 90 games

LF Marlon Byrd .307 AVG, .355 OBP, 10 HR, 109 games

C Jarrod Saltalamacchia .251 AVG, .290 OBP, 7 HR, in 46 games

RF Milton Bradley, .306 BA, .402 OBP, 2 HR, 61 games

1B Ben Broussard, .275 AVG, .330 OBP, 7 HR, 99 games

2B Ian Kinsler .263 AVG, .355 OBP, 20 HR, 130 games

DH Frank Catalanotto .260 AVG, .337 OBP, 11 HR, 103 games

SP1 Kevin Millwood, 172.2 IP, 5.16 ERA

SP2 Vicente Padilla, 120.1 IP, 5.76 ERA

SP3 Jason Jennings, 99 IP, 6.45 ERA

SP4 Brandon McCarthy, 101.2 IP, 4.87 ERA

SP5 Kason Gabbard, 81.3 IP, 4.65 ERA

CL C.J. Wilson, 3.03 ERA, 1.22 WHIP (Though it could be Eddie Guardado by the time spring training is over.)

Grade: C

The best that can be said for the Rangers is that they seemed to finally admit, last season, that they weren’t going to win any time soon. They moved Mark Teixeira and Eric Gagne for prospects, and their farm system now looks better than most. 2008 is a throwaway year for the Rangers, but check back in 2010—if they haven’t done anything stupid, they could be contending by then! You never know! And as Nick so wisely said, “It’s not like they are the Pirates!”

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