Our league leader, Paul, suffered a stunning upset as Alejandro’s team continued its inexorable rise up the standings. Sarah’s took two steps forward but then, mysteriously, one step back. And Coley completed a major trade with his fellow cellar-dwellar. But will it be enough to catch Paul? And can Paul hold off Alejandro? Will Sarah ever figure out this “fantasy baseball” thing and achieve her true destiny? Like sands through the hourglass……so are the games of our lives.

Sarah: I finished the week with an unsatisfying 7-5 win. Why was it unsatisfying? Well, my opponent, Sooze, played the entire week with two empty spots in her lineup. And I was winning 8-2 on Sunday morning. At this point, I’m just not sure what to do about my pitching. I try to be smart. I try not to play my guys in situations where they seem doomed to fail. Like the struggling Johnny Cueto, who I benched yesterday because I figured if any situation was going to be hell for a floundering rookie, it would be going against the Yankee lineup while pitching for the very first time in Yankee Stadium. Of course, Cueto finished with seven K’s, no walks, and one run over five innings, scattering four hits. (An hourlong rain delay then cut his day short.) And yet then you figure it’s okay to run a wily veteran like Pedro Martinez out there against the Rockies (although I admit, I had my doubts about the aging Pedro in Coors Field), and he gets slammed for six earned runs in four and a third. So as your fantasy baseball rookie, I admit it: I’m completely lost. Any and all suggestions are welcome. Until then, I’ll just be banging my head against this obliging wall. Hot: J.D. Drew, James Loney, Ian Kinsler, Andy Pettitte. Not: Jacoby Ellsbury (no steals this week, leading to a rare loss of that category by the Green Sox), Brian Wilson, Pedro Martinez, Vernon Wells, Carlos Guillen.

Paul: I ran into a buzzsaw and its name was Alejandro. It wasn’t even close. Completely embarrassing. He won Runs 45-30. Total Bases 143-93. RBIs 50-29. HRs 18-4. 18-4!!! 18-to-freaking-4. And half of my dingers were hit by Kevin Youkilis yesterday. So I had 2 going into the last day of the week. And I have many people to thank for my team’s offensive ineptitude. I’d like to thank Adam Dunn for getting me two whole total bases and nothing else this week, thus proving that you really do love baseball more than anyone. And here’s to Geovany Soto for that lovely .174 OBP. Chris B. Young, I couldn’t have done it without you or your 5TBs and .222 OBP. And Shane Victorino! Your craptastic week also deserves some recognition. (On a side note, there’s a very interesting race going on between Young and Victorino to determine who will be the guy most likely to produce ONLY in games where I sit him on the bench. Looking like a photo finish.) Lastly, an Honorable Mention goes out to Interleague Play. Without you, Jim Thome probably would have had more than 3ABs over the past three days. So give yourself a round of applause, you pointless scheduling catastrophe. Peace, God. Hot: C.C. Sabathia, Cliff Lee, Justin Duchscherer, George Sherrill, Jhonny Peralta. Not: Interleague Play, Geovany Soto, Adam Dunn, Shane Victorino, Chris B. Young, Huston Street, my pride.

Alejandro: It’s a week for individuals. So I’ll be poised in celebrating my solid victory over first-place ElDuquesInjuryReport (aka, Paul). Not that I’m a good winner, but everything has to have moderation. You might as well call me lucky because my team won even though the red-hot Chipper Jones went down with an injury, and both the White Sox and Marlins had rough weekends. Remember, it’s a week of individuals. Jermaine Dye was pretty much the ChiSox offense for the last few games, racking up 28 total bases, 13 RBI, 5 home runs, and 7 runs. His OPB? .440 thank you very much. The rest of the White Sox offense was a collection of timely hits and home runs from A.J. Pierzynksi and Alexei Ramirez (both on my team). As for the Marlins, a guy who is basically carbon copy of Hanley Ramirez broke out of his slump and… HIS NAME IS DAAAN UGGLA! Kid his hot! 22 total bases, 9 RBI, 4 home runs, 5 runs, and a very impressive .517 OBP. But again, I’ll be poised. I don’t completely doubt my team for this week, but I’m not expecting great things. Hot: Dan Uggla, Carlos Lee, Jermaine Dye, Billy Wanger, Kerry Wood, Gavin Floyd, Vicente Padilla. Not: Mark Hendrickson, Eric Chavez, Alexi Ramirez, Alex Gordon, Hunter Pence (bench-warmer).

Coley: My latest blockbuster trade involved me sending Jorge Posada, Carlos Pena and Jay Bruce to Sooze for Mark Teixeira and Jack Cust. Teixeira had a totally silent week this week. Until Sunday, that is, when he hit three homers. It wasn’t quite enough to put me over the top. I still lost to Box89RowKKSeat14 7-5, but it’s encouraging to think that Tex might be heating up, because when he gets going he can carry a team, fantasy or otherwise. Also, Vlad Guerrero looks like he’s finally broken out of his season long slump. But it’s hard to tell – everyone looks good when they’re hitting against Kyle Kendrick. Hot: Vlad Guerrero, Carl Crawford, Mark Teixeira, Greg Maddux, John Danks. Not: Carlos Delgado, Jack Cust, Dice-K, C.J. Wilson.

Standings (games behind)

1. Paul - ElDuquesInjuryReport ( - )
2. Scott - Utley’s Firm Quads ( 3 )
3. Alejandro - Center Field Stud ( 5.5 )
4. Doug - Swamp Dragons ( 6.5 )
5. Sarah - Somerville Green Sox ( 10 )
6. Kirk - Montefusco’s Revenge ( 19.5 )
7. Ania - Box89RowKKSeat14 ( 22.5 )
8. Bryan - Pirates in ‘08! ( 23 )
9. Larry - croutchyoldman ( 26.5 )
10. Coley - Crunkball All-Stars ( 28 )
11. Caitlin - caitlin grace ( 31.5 )
12. Sooze - freebase my balls ( 34 )

The passion frequently displayed by Kevin Youkilis in the batter’s box has been a subject of amusement to fans. As hilarious spoof site Call of the Green Monster will amply demonstrate:

Several Injured During Youkilis Strikeout-Related Temper Tantrum

For Kevin Youkilis, every single at bat is an epic life-and-death struggle, with the fate of the universe seemingly hanging in the balance.  It is a Shakespearian drama, in which the meaning of life, the vagaries of fate, and the inevitability of tragedy loom deeply…

This weekend, that inevitable tragedy struck for the Red Sox as Youkilis was called out on strikes and proceeded to shatter his helmet and break his bat into pieces, sending razor-sharp shards of material flying into the dugout.  Several players were treated for lacerations and bruises…

But apparently, Youk’s teammates don’t find his trademark intensity quite so entertaining. And now, an unnamed Red Sox insider has revealed that it was Youk’s bad attitude after a frustrating at-bat that led to Thursday night’s tussle with Manny Ramirez in the dugout:

“It all happened because Manny complained about Youkilis’ habit of throwing bats, helmets and other objects in the dugout when he has a bad at-bat, something that has become a constant practice,” the source said.

“Other players have told Youkilis in the past about the situation, which makes him look selfish and that he is more worried about each at-bat than about the team. If Boston is winning easily, there’s no reason to throw objects all over the dugout because of a bad at-bat.

“There was a meeting where the team let Youkilis know that many of his teammates were tired of his explosive reactions for each bad plate appearance. It became very bothersome … more so when the team is winning and it’s in first place. There’s not much room for individualistic attitudes.”

Youk, dude, chillax.

Oh my God. It’s Friday! Finally! To give you a sense of where things stand at UmpBump HQ, en route to the office this morning I took a sharp left turn with my cup o’ Joe not properly secured in the cup holder (evidently). Now I have no coffee to drink, and altogether too much coffee soaked into my pants. Never have I needed some TGIF action so badly, and I trust you, loyal readers, feel the same. And here at UmpBump, “action” = “links.”

Rumors and Rants presents the ten worst contracts in baseball today. Guess who Number 1 is?

We didn’t talk about the John Bale story (pitcher on DL frustrated with how rehab is going, punches door with pitching hand, breaks hand) here on UmpBump because we were satisfied with the level of snark at Can’t Stop the Bleeding. Obviously, he didn’t have the Crash Davis tutorial on not hitting doors with your pitching hand. (I can’t keep giving you these free lessons!)

Rob Parker of the Detroit News says “like him or not, the Tigers need Bonds.” I disagree, given that the Tigers are actually third in the AL in runs scored and in the top five in every important offensive category. The problem for Detroit is that they’ve allowed the most runs of any AL Team—yes, even more than the Rangers. I fail to see how signing Barry Bonds is going to change that. But I guess we have to have thirty different versions of the article, “Team X needs to sign Barry Bonds,” no matter how silly some of those are.

Speaking of Bonds, he helped start this recent trend of using maple bats, which can be dangerous when they shatter (see photo). I’m an ash bat purist, so I was glad to see Jeff Passan’s article calling for the end of maple bats at Yahoo! Sports. (Hat tip to ShysterBall.)

Brawl! Since bench-clearing brawls are officially one of the reasons baseball is awesome, Babes Love Baseball has the video (in slo mo!) of Richie Sexson going after Kason Gabbard for throwing a high pitch. When I saw Sexson fling the helmet at Gabbard, and Gabbard promptly curl up in the fetal position on the pitcher’s mound, I knew I was watching an instant classic. The rest of the brawl is just gravy.

Ladies… has the goods on Carlos Gomez in the wake of his hitting-for-the-cycle performance. How you doin’?

Bill Plaschke tries to clarify whether Vin Scully is retiring or not. I came away with a new determination to watch all the Dodgers games this year on MLB.TV, just in case.

And Pinstripe Alley and River Ave Blues would both like to know why all the fuss about Joba’s fist pump. Seriously, a fist-pump controversy? That seems a bit much, even to this Boston fan. Try getting yourselves a shortstop on pace for 45 errors on the season, then tell me about controversy. I would love to hear the ululating in New York if Julio Lugo played for the Yankees. (Mostly because that would mean Julio Lugo was playing for the Yankees.)

And to wrap it up, Soxaholix presents: Youkalicious!

Know something I should be reading? Let me know!

Here’s a made-for-blogs story. Though it has now been removed, the jockstrap of Kevin Youkilis was briefly posted on ebay earlier today. The description, courtesy of Red Sox Monster:

We’re offering this Game Used Athletic Supporter Worn by Red Sox 1st baseman Kevin Youkilis during the Red Sox 2007 World Championship Season. It shows great game use,has “20″ written on it and came directly from the Red Sox Clubhouse. It will come with a COA issued by Sportsworld of Saugus, MA. We’re also listing many other Red Sox Game Used items from the 2007 Season and will combine on s/h for multiple purchases.

Can anyone tell me what the phrase “it shows great game use” means in relation to a jockstrap?

And considering how sweaty Kevin Youkilis gets just standing in the batter’s box, do I even want to know?

Gold Glove first baseman Kevin Youkilis has been sporting an extra-lush goatee ever since spring training. Well, sports fans, that’s about to change.

Gillette is donating $5,000 to Youkilis’ newly formed organization, Kevin Youkilis Hits for Kids, in exchange for a shave that will be performed at the Cask ‘n Flagon next to Fenway Park.

Youk’s charity does some, you know, charitable stuff for kids in both New England and in Cincinnati, where he’s from. That’s nice. But more importantly, it’s the end of a particularly pelty era. Did he look like a pirate, or a Russian czar, or Ulysses S. Grant? We didn’t even know. But don’t despair, UFH-watchers. I’m sure he’ll grow something just as questionable.

[Note: the odd thing is that a Red Sox player did pick up my old suggestion about getting Gillette to pay them to shave their unfortunate facial hair. If only it had been the other corner infielder, all my prayers would have been answered. It's a testament to how much I loathe Mike Lowell's goatee that I would almost be curious to see him on the Yankees, just so that I could also see his Clooney-esque visage free from such unworthy graffiti.]