Maybe I’m the wrong person to be writing about any team in the AL Central. Going into the season, I was pretty darned sure that the Cleveland Indians would win the division quite handily, and that the Minnesota Twins were a fourth place team. And I totally bashed the Chicago White Sox and Kenny Williams, calling them a third-place team at best. Oh how embarrassingly wrong I was. How incredibly, utterly, hopelessly, know-nothingly wrong I was.

But so far, I think I’ve been fairly accurate in my assessment of the Detroit Tigers (Hazzah!). To me, they were a second place team that was going to miss out on the playoffs. Good, but not good enough. I wasn’t sold on Miguel Cabrera this year. His transition to a new, tougher league wouldn’t be helped by Comerica Park. I felt that both Gary Sheffield and Pudge Rodriguez’ age would eventually catch up with them. Although Pudge has slightly exceeded my expectations, Sheff’s been hurt and hasn’t produced while he was on the field. And I like Magglio Ordonez, but there was simply no way in hell that he was going to duplicate his 2007 season at the plate. Nate Robertson never was a very good pitcher to begin with, Kenny Rogers was 43 years old, and Dontrelle Willis is no one’s answer. Consequently, what we have at the All-Star break is a .500 team that’s 7 games out of first and 8 games out of the Wild Card spot.

So while I do think that the Detroit Tigers will be better than they had been before the All-Star break, I also wouldn’t be very surprised if they never get within 3 or 4 games of the Chicago White Sox for the rest of the season for two reasons - pitching and defense. Justin Verlander’s Ks are down and his walks are up. Same with Jeremy Bonderman but even more so. And although Placido Polanco and Edgar Renteria had been fine defensive options in the past, their Revised Zone Rating indicates that they might be slipping. Combine that with Miguel Cabrera at first and Carlos Guillen (who still hasn’t gotten this third base thing down), you have yourself a pretty weak defensive infield. With the pitchers not striking nearly enough guys out (averaging an MLB worst 5.3 Ks per game), your defense needs to be much better because a lot of batted balls are coming their way.

How to go about accomplishing this? Frankly, I have no idea. Unfortunately, there aren’t too many answers down on the farm. Their top prospect, pitcher Rick Porcello, is a top-ten talent. But he’s also still a teenager and in High-A. And the rest? Not too helpful, especially since they traded away Cameron Maybin to Florida in the Cabrera deal and also sent Jair Jurrjens packing to Atlanta to acquire Renteria (yeah, that one’s worked out quite well, hasn’t it?). So what they’re essentially left with is a decent crop of talent who are all in the lower classes of the minor leagues. I suppose neither Polanco nor Renteria are untradeable, but who would take these guys and give back a better player at the same position?

And here’s also a big problem - this is a team that cannot afford to look into the future right now. Aside from Curtis Granderson and Cabrera, the lineup has no young talent. The Tigers have a very small window to win with veterans the likes of Ordonez, Guillen, Pudge and Sheff.

So basically, here’s what Detroit can do: Hope for the best. Hope that the rotation will be better. Hope that Joel Zumaya and Fernando Rodney stay healthy and effective. And pray to god that Todd Jones can continue to prove all statistical metrics wrong by successfully closing out games despite allowing way too many runs (the man has successfully converted 86.8% of save opportunities since 2006 - all while sporting a 4.29 ERA. How do you do this???). Although I personally may not think that they can secure a playoff berth, this doesn’t mean that they should go and blow the whole thing up (which may not even be possible at this point). Because as we’ve seen, I’ve been very, very, very, very wrong before. And it’s not like the Tigers have many other options.

- What They Need Index -

Another week’s worth of fantasy baseball triumphs and heartbreaks are now receding in the rearview mirror of the UmpBumpmobile. A look at how we did, who we loved, and who we cursed with shaking fists:

Coley: Last week, prompted in part by Paul’s post on Jose Reyes, I finally bit the bullet and pulled the trigger on a big trade, sending Reyes to Swamp Dragons for Yunel Escobar and Carl Crawford. Of course, Escobar promptly went out and nearly tore his knee in half and then Reyes jacked two homers yesterday, his first day as an ex-Crunkball All-Star. But you know what? I’m not regretting it. Yunel is going to be fine, it seems. And let’s be real: Reyes is not going to morph into a power hitter overnight. Hot: Carlos Pena, Benjie Molina. Not: Oliver Perez, Brett Myers.

Alejandro: I’m not sure how long this surge will last, but my Center Field Stud keeps on climbing up the charts. Whereas my pitching was the fulcrum of my success two weeks ago, last week it was my offense that flexed its biceps. Magglio Ordóñez (about that first week, yea, let’s fuggedabouit) had a whopping 24 bases, contributing to a grand total 144 bases for the Stud. Carlos Lee also hit double digits in RBIs, pushing 12 runs across the plate. Aaron Rowand is showing signs of life, posting a respectable .423 OBP, hitting 2 home runs, collecting 14 bases, 3 runs, and 9 RBIs. Dan Uggla, Chipper Jones, Jermaine Dye, Hunter Pence, all had solid weeks. Too bad I can’t say the same about a few that I’ll name in the “not” category, below. My pitching was meh, earning me 5 wins, 2 saves, and 45 Ks (enough to win those three categories, but allowing a 4.00 ERA and a 1.37 WHIP. I did manage to eke ahead in the ever-elusive K/BB category, with a 2.81 rate. I do have to point out one Mark Hendrickson, who I almost dropped, this week earned 2 wins and punched out 12 dudes in the process (his ERA isn’t hotness, but I’ll take those 12 Ks). Once again, another solid week from CFS and a 9-3 victory. I now sit 11 games out of first place, and only 1.5 from overtaking Sarah’s Somerville Green Sox. Hot: Carlos Lee, Magglio Ordóñez, Aaron Rowand, Dan Uggla, Chipper Jones, Mark Hendrickson (ugh, how unpredictable), B.J. Ryan. Not: Hanley Ramirez, Alex Gordon, Fred Lewis, Emil Brown, A.J. Pierzynski, Vicente Padilla.

Paul: It’s a crazy mixed up world. It’s a Doggy Dogg World. The Dogg’s World. Truer words were never spoken by man. And this can be the only possible explanation as to why ElDuquesInjuryReport finally lost last week to Kirk’s Montefusco’s Revenge. My squad began the week strong, but as I checked the score on Wednesday, it was a total role reversal. Corey “The Guy In Shades” Hart and Ryan Howard simply eclipsed whatever little offense my team was able to muster. And Matt Holliday hit the DL, seemingly out of nowhere. Fantastico. To make matters worse, I sat Justin Duchscherer on Saturday thinking that I should avoid the Red Sox offense if possible. I’ve had better ideas, it turned out. And trust me. I’ve had some terrible ideas in the past. (Full disclosure - I forgot that yesterday was a holiday. I am sans computer back at home and can only use internet at work. Did not update my lineup. Missed Kazmir’s performance last night. For two teams. But I digress). I’m still in first place, however, with a 3.5 game lead over Scott and his Utley’s Firm Quads. Hot: Adam Dunn, Shane Victorino, C.C. Sabathia, Scott Kazmir. Not: Pretty much everyone else. Especially Kevin Youkilis, Edwin Encanacion, Kosuke Fukudome, Jhonny Peralta.

Sarah: By now it’s safe to say that the Somerville Green Sox have one of the hottest offenses in the UmpBump league. They tear up the charts every single week and they do it with only one can’t-drop player, Ryan Braun. Braun didn’t have even a single home run last week, yet my team finished the week with 15 round trippers, getting multiple dingers from Ian Kinsler, Xavier Nady, Carlos Guillen, Stephen Drew, and Rickie Weeks. Jacoby Ellsbury continues to be a stolen base and on-base machine, and Troy Glaus has finally decided to join the party. That’s how you end up with 146 total bases at the end of the week, the best mark in the league. But the question for my young squad has always been pitching. On paper, the guys I drafted looked good. But reality has been a different story—until now. I got a 1-run complete game from FA pickup Dana Eveland at the beginning of the week to set the tone. I got two quality starts from back-in-black Justin Verlander and a decent outing from Andy Pettitte. And I saved myself by presciently choosing to bench the ailing Roy Oswalt, who proceeded to get rocked by the Phillies. I even won the saves category (truly phenomenal, given that my closers consist of lost-in-the-woods Eric Gagne and just-temping Manny Acosta). I ended the week with an 11-1 thrashing of Pirates in 08!, losing only the strikeouts category, and moved back up to third place in the league. Hot: Eveland, Verlander, Kinsler, Nady. Not: Oswalt and Eric Gagne, currently chilling on my bench, but sure to be dropped soon.

Standings, with games behind:

1. Paul (ElDuquesInjuryReport) (0)
2. Scott (Utley’s Firm Quads) (3.5)
3. Sarah (Somerville Green Sox) (10.5)
4. Alejandro (Center Field Stud) (11)
5. Doug (Swamp Dragons) (11.5)
6. Bryan (Pirates in 08!) (15.5)
7. Kirk (Montefusco’s Revenge) (16.5)
8. Larry(croutchyoldman) (20.5)
9. Ania (Box89RowKKSeat14) (23.5)
10. Sooze (freebase my balls) (24.5)
11. Coley (Crunkball All Stars) (29)
12. Caitlin (caitlin grace) (32)

You may have heard by now that on March 31, Jose Canseco’s follow-up to his 2005 book “Juiced“, will be hitting the bookstore shelves. By the way, in case you didn’t make the connection, that’s Opening Day for many teams. But who expects a guy like Canseco to care about such trivialities?

Anyhow, The New York Times published a story yesterday that claimed that Major League Baseball had been in touch with the FBI  recently over an alleged incident between the former The Surreal Life participant and Detroit Tigers slugger Magglio Ordonez. According to the Times’ sources, Canseco posed a proposition to Mags - help finance my movie, or you’ll see your name in my new book.

Ordonez himself has thus far refused to talk about the topic in detail, but has apparently at least confirmed that Canseco did contact him. Mags then informed Detroit GM Dave Dombrowski about the situation, and Dombrowski alerted the Commissioner’s Office, who in turn called the FBI. The Times story goes on to mention that it wasn’t just Mags who was given this ultimatum. Supposedly, Ordonez’ agent, Scott Boras, was also approached with a similar proposition to keep his client’s name clean. However, no formal investigation was ever launched by the FBI - because Ordonez didn’t want them to.

“I didn’t want to press charges against him,” Ordóñez said. “I don’t want any problems. He is probably desperate for money. I don’t understand why he is trying to put people down.”

What’s also interesting here is that Mags is denying that he was specifically asked for money in exchange for the omission. Canseco’s camp is obviously denying the report.

So who’s lying? Did Canseco really give Ordonez and Boras an ultimatum - even if it was of the “wink, wink, nudge, nudge” variety? Or did Ordonez fabricate the story as a preemptive strike to discredit Canseco, knowing full well that his name is going to be in that book?

So it’s all said and done in the American League. The Detroit Tigers keep on winning and nothing seems to contain their momentum. So much for my predix; I had the A’s in the Fall Classic; I had them going down to the Mets, but as far as I was concerned, they were playing in the World Series.

To be honest, I had more of a spiteful analysis of this year’s playoff picture simply because I felt frustrated that the White Sox hadn’t made it. And on top of that, two former South Siders, who were huge for the Pale Hose while in Chicago, were heading into the ALCS in opposite sides of the diamond.

Both Frank Thomas and Magglio Ordoñez left Chicago in bad terms and both were looking to earn some respect outside the Windy City. Maggs most definitely got his; big Frank? He’s wearing a big fat skirt.

Ordoñez deserves to go to the World Series. He was my favorite White Sox for a while (I still have his #30 stitched to the back of my authentic home J) and I remember reading he was sad to watch his former teammates win it all last year one season after he had left.

The Sox let Maggs walk after the ‘04 season not without exchanging words in the media over the nature of the contract negotiations. In typical White Sox fashion, they offered an undervalued contract, which he promptly turned down. There was also some animosity between him and Ozzie Guillen.

The injury he suffered during that year didn’t help the situation. Maggs later revealed he felt Kenny Williams had hurt his Free Agent value by talking up the injury to his knee and the subsequent treatment he sought in Austria (a procedure not allowed in the U.S.)

In other words, the Sox and Maggs were not best friends. Oh yea, and then there was that profanity-laced tirade between him and Ozzie.

It’s not uncommon for the Sox to alienate their former stars; they did it to Robin Ventura, they even did it to Ozzie himself. And of course, they did it to Big Frank.

Now, don’t think for a minute that I don’t/didn’t appreciate Frank. He was the first Sox I recognized (other than Michael Jordan); my first White Sox collectibles were a Frank Thomas poster, his posing action figure, a “Back-to-back MVP” banner from his two awards in 93 and 94 and of course, Reebok’s original Big Hurt shoes. Gotta have the shoes.

But after hearing Colin Cowherd whine about how Frank was now making it big in the Bay because he was free from all the Media Scrutiny in Chicago; I remembered all the disputes he had with former managers (specially Jerry Manuel) because he wouldn’t be treated as King Frank. He would continuously go on a media boycott, refraining from talking on-the-record with reporters because his tantrums were, according to him, portrayed as, well, tantrums.

But wait, Colin, last time I checked, Big Frank accumulated all his power numbers while wearing a giant S-O-X on his chest; he won two MVP awards and could’ve easily won a third in 2003 if it wasn’t for our favorite Benign Tumor, Jason Giambi.

He merely was eligible for come-back player this year; sure he got his swing back but he had been badly injured last year. And even though he was good ol’ Frank of old in the ALDS, he pulled another Big Skirt, going O-Fer in the ALCS. Oh Why Does That Sound Familiar?

And now, after hitting the ALCS-clinching home run, Maggs is going to the World Series in true superstar status.

But dude, what’s up with the hair?