For some reason, Kevin Millar appears totally unconcerned at the prospect that Mike Lowell might try to steal second.

When Jacoby Ellsbury got called up in September of 2007, the Red Sox added his speed to a club that already boasted the not-to-shabby wheels of Coco Crisp and Julio Lugo.  For a while, it seemed like the Red Sox could legitimately run, possibly for the first time in the memory of any living Sox fan.  While they didn’t rack up many total steals, comparatively, it seemed like they were doing the smart thing and focusing on situational stealing — in both 07 and 08, they ranked in the top 5 teams in stolen base percentage.

But so far this season, there’s been blood on the basepaths. Boston ranks 18th in the majors in SB%. Dustin Pedroia, who doesn’t have great speed but who has typically been a very savvy base-stealer, has been caught 4 times and called safe just 10. Nick Green and J.D. Drew have been safe just once apiece, but caught thrice and twice, respectively. And David Ortiz, inexplicably, has been caught twice. I call this inexplicable not because he was caught, but because he was running at all in the first place.

Tonight we witnessed another prime example: Mike Lowell draws a walk off of A.J. Burnett in the bottom of the third, with the Red Sox ahead 4-0. With one out and Lowell on first, Varitek comes to the plate. On a 2-1 count, Lowell takes off for second base. Varitek stands at the plate looking dumbfounded. When Posada recovers from his initial shock, he fires the ball to second and the lead-footed Lowell is out by a country mile.

How did this happen? Does a seasoned veteran like Mike Lowell — who no doubt has a good idea of exactly how slow he is — just take off on his own? If not, what sort of manager decides to send him? Announcers Don Orsillo and Dennis Eckersley (who, by the way, will make a thrilling and hilarious replacement for Joe Morgan one day, please God) can only speculate that Jason Varitek missed the hit-and-run sign. Sure enough, when Tek eventually makes his way back to the dugout (after drawing a walk and ultimately scoring), the first word out of his mouth is, “Sorry.”

But is it really the Captain’s fault that he missed that sign? If I were in his shoes, I’d be standing there thinking, “Did they just put a hit-and-run on with Lowell on first? Nah. No way. My eyes must have tricked me.” And I’d make a mental note to borrow Big Papi’s eye drops when I got back to the dugout.

How slow is Mike Lowell? He has the worst EQBRR on the team, ringing in at -1.77. Don’t worry though — that’s probably a fluke. Flukily good, that is. Because last year he was an abysmal -5.75. And before you argue that that was just his gimp-tastic hip talking, the year before, the season he was voted World Series MVP, he rated a horrifying -6.21.

If you’re Terry Francona, why take a chance that the salt-and-pepper haired, 35-year old Lowell hurts himself sliding headfirst into a base because you decided it would be “nifty” to try a doomed-to-fail “run-manufacturing” play? Are you feeling invincible now that the mighty Mark Kotsay has returned from the DL? Did David Ortiz’s third home run of the season leave you feeling light-headed and omnipotent?

So far this season, the Red Sox have had mediocre starting pitching and bad defense. The one thing they have going for them is offense — even with their designated hitter flirting with the Mendoza line, Boston has still posted an .804 team OPS, good for a close fourth in the majors. Terry Francona gets crap from the fans for “just waiting for that three-run homer” but when you have the lineup Boston does, it’s not a bad strategy.

It’s certainly better than telling Ortiz and Lowell to steal.

Joe Sheehan at Baseball Prospectus Unfiltered thinks people (or at least, Peter Schmuck) aren’t publishing The Truth about Barry Bonds. Some of his points are duly noted—Bonds is not the slow, broken player Schmuck casts him as. But with other points, you get the feeling that Schmuck just got deeply under Sheehan’s skin and then couldn’t get out again—such as when Schmuck claims that Bonds would create “a chronic public relations problem” and Sheehan responds, “Barry Bonds doesn’t create a public relations problem…Barry Bonds has a media relations problem.” That’s pretty weak hair-splitting. And Sheehan’s dismissal of Barry Bonds legal problems looks a bit different now that the indictment as been refiled. Nonetheless, if you’re looking for a spirited defense of Barry Bonds (hard to come by these days), it’s worth a read.

Respect Jeter’s Gangster weighs in on the Jobagate fist-pump controversy with some situations in which it may or may not be appropriate for you to pump your fist.

The Padres’ struggles have inspired a debate over at Gaslamp Ball about whether professional ballplayers even need coaches. I say they do. What do you say?

Ever wondered what happened to the old Tiger Stadium? Joe Lapointe has an article in The New York Times and Fabrizio Constantini an eye-opening slide show. (Did you know that they auctioned off one of the dugout urinals last year? I somehow missed that story. And somehow, my life was complete without that particular piece of information.) It’s weird to think that the Tigers have been in Comerica for almost ten years, and that Tiger Stadium has been mouldering scarcely a mile away the entire time. My one beef with the slide show—I like artsy detail shots as much as any amateur shutterbug, but I would have liked a picture of the entire field included, to serve as an establishing shot. And some “before” shots would have been nice to go along with the “afters.”

Bleeding Blue and Teal weighs in on Griffey-to-Seattle trade talk and how such a move might actually make sense.

As draft day approaches, Minor League Ball looks at some high school hitters of interest. If you root for a craptastic team with a high pick, you can start drooling over them now. If you root for a great team with a lot of money, you can start hoping they develop “signability issues.”

Yanksfan Soxfan brings us a blind item from the NY Daily News about a “formerly awesome” pitcher whose shoulder woes are actually due to “years of smoking pot” and “one drug-addled incident in which he had to carry a passed-out date up three flights of stairs.” Guesses in the comments range from the preposterous (Schilling, Pedro) to the “hmmmm…maybe” (Gagne, Zito, Pavano). Got a better guess? Let ‘em know!

If you’ve got cabin fever because it’s a gorgeous May Day and you came into work today like a good doobie instead of calling in sick and going hiking like you really, really wanted to, maybe you should take a look at Slate’s series on baseball in the Dominican Republic (with, of course, an accompanying slide show).

Dan Graziano of the Star Ledger prints some email correspondence with Carlos Delgado’s agent. Neither man comes off looking very good (hint: someone calls someone a retard). Yes, these men are professionals! Do not try this at home!

Razzball takes a look back at Pete Rose’s 1983 season, a year “Pete evaded success like it was the taxman.”

Joe Posnanski brings you Brian Bannister’s crazy day-night splits.

And I said Over The Monster’s picture of Mike Lowell (above) looked like “George Clooney-meets-Humphrey Bogart-meets-UFH.” Paul countered, “He just looks like he’s giving Tek the ol’ stink eye.” What do you think, UmpBumpers?

What else should I be reading? Help me procrastinate better!

Only a few more hours left of Wednesday. A bit of reading to get you through the last hump of Hump Day:

Josh Beckett and Mike Lowell would like their ice cream machine back, please. (Bradford Files) And is lack of ice cream behind Beckett’s mysterious injuries this year? (Center Field)

What it’s like when Jose Canseco hits on your girlfriend. (Diamond Hoggers)

The six-man roster continues to loom. (Washington Post) Oh god, no.

Dusty Baker doesn’t like walks, so Joey Votto isn’t walking. (Vegas Watch) Moneyball haters, rejoice!

A backward glance at Nomomania (Sam Mellinger for the Kansas City Star)

“Jeter and others may be trying to get Paul O’Neill’s number RETIRED? Has the world gone mad?” (Joe Posnanski on behalf of LaTroy Hawkins)

Why are Kenji Johjima’s pitchers throwing him under the bus? (Detect-O-Vision)

Stephen Drew is a righthanded dude who bats left. (DbacksBuzz) After burning my right arm two weeks ago, I have discovered that I can do absolutely nothing with my left arm. At all. Tip o’ the hat to you, young Stephen.

And finally, earlier in the week, Coley wrote about Boston prospect Jed Lowrie’s potential as a super-utility guy for MLB Trade Rumors. Today, Joe Haggerty writes for the Boston Metro about why the Sox are grooming their prospects that way.

And as always, if you’re reading something we should be reading, let me know!

By now, most of you have probably seen these pictures of dancing Red Sox players at Mike Lowell’s charity dinner. I know it made my Monday morning when I read it on Center Field. But I didn’t truly appreciate the, um, choreography until I saw the video this evening. For the best montage, plus additional full-lenth videos of each routine, click here.

And actually, I think Mike Lowell is a pretty slick dancer. He can pull the ol’ “fisherman” move on me anytime.

I consider this post my Good Deed for the day.

I think now this is going to get interesting. Now that teams can make offers to free agents from other teams, we’re going to see some fun things happen.

Here are some of the more interesting plot points:

1. Mike Lowell is still unsigned. The Yankees still need a 3B. The Yankees still have more money than God.

2. Mark Prior will become a free agent if the Chicago Cubs don’t tender him a contract. Who’s gonna roll the dice on Prior?

3. Andruw Jones had a terrible season. But Scott Boras still thinks he’s worth $7.2 billion a year. Is he right?

4. Barry Bonds says he still wants to play. Logic says he’ll be a DH. But where? And will the impending Mitchell report scare teams away?

5. A-hole.

6. The Nationals have been mentioned as possible destinations for Andruw Jones and Aaron Rowand. Clearly, somebody went and convinced Washington that it’s a real team. But will anybody want to play for the ex-Expos?

7. Kosuke Fukodome is gonna need a nickname. Kofu anyone?

This hot-stove season’s 3rd base free agent pool has already been the subject of much debate, thanks to one Alexander Emmanuel Rodriguez. Then there’s the other premiere free agent third baseman on the market—one Michael Averett Lowell, better known as Mike. And after that, well, we have…the rest. All of them, coincidentally (or maybe not coincidentally, come to think of it) hail from the National League, and most are light-hitting utility infielder-types in their thirties. Yikes. Teams who don’t have a great 3B under contract already and who don’t win the A-Rod/Mike Lowell sweepstakes may well be SOL.

The options:

Jeff Cirillo of Arizona These days, he’s another mid-200’s hitter with good defense, but approaching old-as-hills status at 38.

Aaron (Bleepin’) Boone of Florida Last season, he spent more time at first, and more time on the DL, but provided he can stay healthy he could probably move back across the diamond with little difficulty (if “little difficulty” means “the same high error totals we’ve come to expect from Aaron Bleepin’ Boone”). He can still hit, but his power has been gone since the steroids crackdown. One day, Tim Wakefield will find him where he sleeps.

Mike Lamb of Houston Not a bad option—he hit .289 this season with a .366 OBP. No great shakes, defensively. 32 years old.

Corey Koskie of Milwaukee Didn’t play this year after suffering a concussion on the field in 2006. The Brewers declined to exercise his 2008 option, as their hot corner will be anchored for the foreseeable future by Rookie of the Year candidate Ryan Braun. If he can make a comeback, he’ll still be a bottom-of-the-order type guy. Plus, he’s 34 already. Theoretically, he could work as a defensive replacement. Alas, this is complicated by the fact that he’s never really played any position except third. I’m guessing the Brewers are planning on making Braun take grounders 6 days a week for the next four months. He could well end up a non-roster invitee.

Abraham Nunez of Philadelphia Great defensive range, but another light-hitting 31-year-old.

Russell Branyan of St. Louis Strikes out three times as much as he walks and finished the season hitting under the Mendoza line. 31 years old. Defensively, more of a utilityman than a real third baseman.

Pedro Feliz of San Francisco Of third basemen with enough at-bats to qualify, this guy was last in the majors in OBP. However, he’s among the top 5 in defenisve ability. 32 years old.

Tony Batista of Washington Another mediocre utility infielder in his mid-30s who hits in the mid-.200s. Yawn.

Geoff Blum of San Diego Ditto, but better on defense.

On the one hand, I will be sad when this World Series is over, for it will mean that summer is over, winter is here, and months upon months of suffering an arid, baseball-less television landscape.

But on the other hand, I will be unspeakably happy. For once this World Series is over, it will mean the end of this nonsensical debate over what Terry Francona should do to his lineup in Coors Field. Some of the alternatives being bandied about are positively Byzantine in scope. The two most popular:

Option A: Put Ortiz at first! Move Youkilis to third base! Put Lowell in at shortstop! Bench Lugo!

Option B: Put Ortiz at first! Move Youkilis to right field! Bench J.D. Drew!

This just goes to show that Red Sox Nation in October is incapable of keeping its collective head. People have gone temporarily insane. The only remedy for this madness? Remind ourselves of certain facts:

Fact: Mike Lowell has never played shortstop. Mike Lowell only has 9 games played at a position other than third base, compared with 1,253 games played at third base. Mike Lowell holds the all-time National League record for the fewest errors committed by a third baseman. You do not want to move Mike Lowell from third base.

Fact: Kevin Youkilis has never played right field. Though the receptionist in my ophthamologist’s office tried to contradict me on this fact this morning, I have now double-checked ESPN.com and confirmed this indisputable fact. It is true that he has a whopping 18 games in left field, but I am sure none of those games involved left fields as expansive as the left field at Coors. Kevin Youkilis sweats hard enough in the batter’s box. The very notion of seeing him huffing and puffing his way to and fro across the vast Coors outfield should come with a warning label: CAUTION: MAY CAUSE DEHYDRATION.

Fact: J.D. Drew’s bat, for reasons known only to itself, has chosen this moment to awake, throw some clothes on, and join the party. J.D. Drew is hitting .349 in October and .500 over the past seven days. You do not want to bench J.D. Drew.

Then there’s the simple truth that Terry Francona is not a “tinkering” manager. Terry Francona is a manager whose motto is, “First, do no harm.” Terry Francona is not going to choose Game 3 of the World Series to suddenly start cooking up wild experiments like converting his third baseman to a shortstop or his first baseman to a right fielder.

So what will we see in Coors? There are two options, neither of them as attention-grabbing as the two options above, but both far more likely to occur:

Scenario 1: Ortiz starts at first base. Youkilis is ready to come off the bench either as a defensive replacement, or if David’s knee starts bothering him, or, in a close game, the half-inning after David draws a walk and comes out for a pinch runner.

Scenario 2: Youkilis starts at first base. Until, with runners in scoring position, the Red Sox in need of a run, and Lugo up to bat, David Ortiz suddenly becomes the world’s most insanely overqualified pinch-hitter.

Of these, I think Scenario 1 is more likely. As hot as Kevin Youkilis has been in the postseason, David Ortiz is still David Ortiz. Don’t get me wrong, there’s still a lot of offense with Youkilis starting: this postseason, he’s actually been slightly more productive than Ortiz with 4 homers, 1o RBI, 9 walks, 19 hits, and 16 runs scored; Ortiz is actually lagging just thismuch behind his teammate with 3 homers, 8 RBI, 13 walks, 15 hits and 15 runs scored. But Scenario 1 gives Terry Francona more options, which a manager can never have too much of in October.

Unless, of course, you’re talking about inane, pie-in-the-sky options like rewiring the entire roster with only two wins to go.

UPDATE: It is as I predicted.

When the World Series shifts to Colorado, the DH will dissappear and the Red Sox will be forced to sit either David Ortiz, Mike Lowell or Kevin Youkilis.

Sox skipper Terry Francona has indicated he’ll sit Youkilis, who has been the hottest hitter on the planet during the playoffs. He’ll play Papi at first

Me, I’d sit Papi. But I’m a wild man. If I was a team owner, I’d be a maverick. If I was a closer, Joe Buck would call me a “beauty”. I’m just that crazy.

Who would you sit?

Who should the Red Sox sit during games 3, 4 and (if necessary) 5 of the World Series?

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