How can you tell spring is in the air? Forget Punxsutawney Phil. I know the sap is rising when Manny starts being Manny again.

Training in Tempe, Arizona this offseason, Manny Ramirez is conveniently located for this weekend’s Super Bowl in Glendale. But he’s not going to just take the day off, no sir. According to WZLX in Boston, his agent is calling around town to the various Patriots bars in the area, asking them if they’d like to have the 2004 World Series MVP drop by during the game.

For $10,000.*

Now, you may be asking yourself, why would a man who makes twenty million dollars a year scrounge around under the seat cushions for that kind of chump change? Why would Manny Ramirez, who, we’ve been told, is shy, want to spend Super Bowl Sunday with a bunch of drunk Pats fans when he could spend it with his Hot Baseball Wife and Cute Baseball Babies? And if he needed ten grand, why wouldn’t he just sell some more stuff on eBay? But these are foolish questions, baseball fans. As we should know by now, Manny is as Manny does.

I just hope that wherever he watches the Super Bowl, he doesn’t see his shadow. I’m not ready for six more weeks of winter.

* Note of comparison: Maybe Manny should ask for more money. After all, Paris Hilton, Mariah Carey, and Britney Spears command appearance fees well into the six figures. Even Kim Kardashian gets $75k for party appearances, and I still don’t know why she’s famous.

Hot on the heels of one too-strange-to-be-fake story, it at first appeared that UmpBump had stumbled onto another:

From: Coley

To: UmpBump Staff

Re: Teixeira likes Sci Fi

So, I’m currently writing a blurb about the Phoenix Comicon for the Arizona Daily Star, and I noticed the following graph on the Comicon’s website:

“This year the support from guests and the reaction from fans has blown us away. We’ve got Jeph Loeb and Ed McGuinness coming out. David Finch, Arthur Suydam, and Matt Wagner. Plus Michael Golden, Mark Texeira, and so many more.”

Mark Teixeira is going to Comicon. And now I need to go. I wonder if he’s into furries?

It was a legit question. After all, if he wasn’t there to yiff, what would the star first baseman be doing at a Phoenix-area gathering of comic book collectors, Trekkies, and Star Wars aficionados?

I felt like a putz for not recognizing the names of the other luminaries in attendance. Not a LeVar Burton or a DeForest Kelley in the bunch! But just as I was starting to doubt my fanhood—and just as we were starting to get some really interesting confessions from Paul—it all came crashing down to earth.

From: Coley

To: UmpBump Staff

Re: RE: Teixeira likes Sci Fi

Sadly, I jumped the gun again. Mark Texeira, the comic book creator, will be at the Phoenix Comicon. Mark Teixeira the baseball player will not.

D’oh.

So remember, baseball fans, no matter what you read on other, less eagle-eyed baseball blogs: Mark Teixeira will NOT be at the Phoenix Comicon.

Of course, that doesn’t mean he’s not a furvert.