UPDATED: White Sox Have No Idea What Happened To Bartolo Colon

Update below original post.

You can lose your keys. You can lose your iPod. And you can certainly lose your V-card.

But how do you lose a 250lb former Cy Young winner?

Chicago White Sox pitcher Bartolo Colon is scheduled to make a minor league rehab start for Triple-A Charlotte on Thursday.

Problem is, the White Sox don’t know where he is.

“I know where he is supposed to be right now. He’s supposed to be in Charlotte, preparing to start Thursday,” White Sox GM Ken Williams said Tuesday, according to the Chicago Tribune. “Efforts to contact his agent have been successful. Their efforts to contact their client have not been so successful.”

I’m going to refrain from making a joke right now in case it’s something that’s incredibly unfunny. But if it turns out that he’s perfectly fine and was simply wowing the Charlotte locals at a Denny’s with his ability to scarf down 14 Moons Over My Hammies, then it’s sooooo on.

UPDATE: So Colon was located and is supposedly in Charlotte now, having flown in from the Dominican Republic last night. But no one still seems to know why he had gone incommunicado. But Ozzie Guillen has a theory, which is far more entertaining than anything I could have ever dreamed up:

“I worry about Colon because Colon was a big-time Michael Jackson fan,” Guillen said. “He maybe was in LA at his funeral, because I can’t find him. Nobody knows how big of a Michael Jackson fan Colon was. I’m serious. He might be depressed a little bit.”

Of course. Let’s all blame Michael Jackson.

UPDATE TO THE UPDATE: Ok, this is getting ridiculous. Now it’s being reported that Colon was not on the flight to Charlotte last night and is yet to report to the team.  So to Mr. Colon, I have a few questions:

So Bartolo, are you OK?
Are you OK, Bartolo?
So Bartolo are you OK?
Are you OK, Bartolo?
So Bartolo, are you OK?
Are you OK, Bartolo?
You’ve been hit by, you’ve been struck by, a lack of perspective over the death of an individual whom you’ve probably never met (MAYBE).