I refuse to buy beer at baseball games. I simply won’t pay $7 for a Bud Light. I don’t have it in me.

At the same time, I’m not about to sit through a game sober.

My solution? I sneak a couple of small bottles of Jack Daniels or Captain Morgan into the stadium and mix them with a Coke. Sometimes I put the contraband in my cargo shorts. Once I shoved a bottle in each of my shoes (which made walking kinda difficult).

The only problem with smuggling in booze is that I feel a little guilty violating MLB policy. Not a lot guilty — somehow I manage to sleep at night — but a little guilty.

But now I can rest easy knowing that MLB wants me to sneak liquor into games. Why else would they have started marketing this — an MLB flask!

I bet if I place my order now I’ll have it in plenty of time for spring training.

Give a hand to my band, Sexual Chocolate!

Despite my love for the game, there are several things that genuinely bother me about the current rules in Major League Baseball. I’ve never compiled a list of these grievances, but I’m pretty sure that this upcoming decision will eliminate one gripe that belongs in my top-five.

No more flip decisions.Rather than heads or tails, baseball general managers plan to recommend that sites for division and wild-card tiebreakers be decided by wins and losses.

Amazing, isn’t it? The fact that such an inane rule existed to begin with is incredible. Regardless of the extent to which you believe in home field advantage, I don’t think that anyone denies that there is at least some advantage. And to have an edge awarded to one side by the flip of a coin is a disservice.

Now, head-to-head records probably aren’t the best way to go about it either because the results of the 18 regular season games against your divisional opponent, or even worse, the 6-9 games against a team in another division, isn’t enough to determine who’s better. If I had my way (and god knows I don’t), home field will be decided by run differentials. But hey, one step at a time, right? At least the head-to-head records are determined by what happens on the field instead of inside an office at the MLB headquarters here in New York.

Now if they can just eliminate saves and quality starts…