Look, it’s well known that we here at UmpBump are generally against most types of facial hair.  And aside from the soul destroying soul patch, which has deservedly earned our collective undying enmity, the facial hair that perhaps most affronts our basic sense of human decency is the beardless mustache on a white male.

But then along comes Diamondbacks reliever Clay Zavada. What can you say when a ballplayer, and a reliever no less, so lovingly resurrects the twirly, waxed, handlebar moustache of the great Rollie Fingers? Five or even ten years after Fingers it would have been mere imitation, but 30 years on, when basically nobody else has the balls to put wax to ’stache? That is nothing less than a tribute.

Then you throw in the fact that his name is “Zavada,” which in combination with the curly mustache makes him more likely to be the leader of a family of trapeze artists called the “Flying Zavadas” than appearing on a major league pitching mound.

So, what can you say, really, other than, Awesome!

As the New York Times recently chronicled, Zavada has had quite a trying journey making it to the show. Along the way, he tried all manner of facial hair, including goatee, full-on beard, soul patch, the Casey Blake never-quite-shaven look. But then he finally goes with the Rollie Fingers approach ( having been first inspired to dare the mustache-without-beard look by  minor league teammate and UFH alum Josh Collmenter) and he finally sticks in the Major Leagues.

Coincidence? Obviously not.

One of our readers tipped us off to this article from MiLB.com, the official website of minor league baseball, on Josh Collmenter of the South Bend Silverhawks, and I think it’s worth sharing in detail. Apparently young Mr. Collmenter has quite the mustache—and has been on quite the tear since its cultivation. He’s 10-5 with a 3.20 ERA for the Single-A club. And in recognition of his fine fuzz, tonight is “Josh Collmenter Mustache Awareness Night” at Coveleski Stadium, with the mustachioed hurler taking the mound. The deets:

Mustachioed fans will receive free admission to the contest, and those without a mustache will be given one as they enter the ballpark. Many of Collmenter’s South Bend teammates have jumped on the ’stache bandwagon as well, and fans will engage in a pregame vote to determine which player possesses the best upper-lip hair.

But wait. It gets better.

Making the Silver Hawks’ mustache promotion even more fortuitous is the fact that it is taking place simultaneously with “Hug Your Plumber Night.” Early-arriving fans will receive complimentary plungers, and any fan who wishes to embrace a (hopefully mustachioed) plumber can do so for just $1, with the proceeds going to charity.

“It’s a natural fit, and I’m sure everyone will get along just fine,” said [Silver Hawks' director of sales and marketing Amy] Hill regarding the evening’s synergistic promotional endeavors.

But it still gets even better, with Collmenter handicapping his teammates’ chances of winning the contest:

“I’m not sure if the fans will vote for the best in terms of looks, or best in terms of who really can’t grow one. Because we’ve got guys like Eli Rumbler who are just growing whatever they can and it’s pretty funny,” said Collmenter. “And then there are guys like Chance Wheeless, who looks like he should be wearing a cowboy hat and riding a horse across west Texas.”

Eli Rumbler? Chance Wheeless? Are these real names?!?! Could this get any more deliciously bizarre????????

But an even more impressive aspect of the promotion is that the club snagged a coveted endorsement from the prestigious American Mustache Institute.

This exists!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“We are very pleased that Josh Collmenter and the Silver Hawks organization have embraced the thick tuft of hair above Josh’s upper lip, and we’re glad that Josh fully realizes the power, strength and ability it adds to his pitching prowess”, said Aaron Perlut, the institute’s executive director. “Josh sports a high-quality Chevron-style mustache. It’s a little-known fact that a mustache of that type can be used to store nuts and berries during the winter season.”

But Collmenter has no plans to go into hibernation anytime soon.

[Sarah's brain explodes]

Man, this week feels long. How about some good ol’ fashioned midweek reading?

We already knew that Derek Jeter drinks wine coolers. Now, via Sox and Dawgs, we have the lowdown on A-Rod’s beverage of choice: a cold, fruity Sex on the Beach!

Also in the category of “The Pinstriped Epicure,” we have fresh intel on Yankee radioman John Sterling from the New York Post: he double dips!

Jeff Francoeur told the AJC he felt betrayed by the Braves when they sent him to the minors for a few days, but now his (relatively) harsh words have been removed from the paper’s website. Sabernomics wants to know: where did Frenchy’s quotes go?

Home Run Derby has noticed that Barry Zito’s Fathead poster is on clearance. A new low, indeed. At roughly 20 bucks a pop, Zito could now buy 900,000 of them this year.

UFH invades SportsCenter, notes Awful Announcing—apparently, Giambi’s occasional ’stache has now taken on a life of its own. IT’S ALIVE! IT’S ALIIIIIVE I TELL YOU!

From the Detroit Tigers Weblog, a kitten story. Because everyone likes a kitten story.

And finally, ladies and gentlemen, presenting your latest New York Times contributor: Milton Bradley! I’m staying tuned in case Arthur Sulzberger Jr. does something to provoke him.

Something else I should be reading? Meow at me!

There can be only two possible explanations for the Hague-worthy crime currently taking place on Jason Giambi’s upper lip:

Either he thinks that its gruesome presence will distract any nosy reporters from even noticing the suspiciously puffy face surrounding it, or he is hoping it will turn anyone who dares look too closely at his water-retaining visage immediately to stone, thus effectively preventing them from asking any probing questions about his, um, training regimen.

Either way, this is clearly the facial hair of a desperate man.

***UPDATE: Jason Giambi was planning to shave off his mustache Monday night anyway, but when he saw the clippers during the game he figured there was no point in waiting any longer. So after striking out in the first inning, Giambi went back into the clubhouse and emerged a little later sans ’stache, hoping a change in facial hair might help spark a change in his results at the plate.

– New York Daily News

***UPDATE UPDATE: It didn’t help. Giambi went 0 for 4 with 2 strikeouts on Monday vs. the Royals.