Here’s a round-up of recent baseball tidbits. Sigh. It must be November.

In case you missed it, Red Sox catcher (and captain) Jason Varitek did one better than handing out candy this Halloween: he gave out autographs. After the Variteks’ Halloween party broke up (the guest list included the Mirabellis and the Lowells), Tek took a lawn chair out to the driveway and started signing, at the suggestion of his 7-year-old daughter. The short version:

Christopher Roberts, 10, dressed up as the catcher - a white number 33 Red Sox jersey, baseball pants, and red colored socks pulled up past his calves - only to find himself standing face-to-face with his hero.

“He signed my shirt, right on the first three,” Roberts said.

Two police cruisers came to direct traffic and control the crowd, which swelled to some 50 youngsters and parents on a leafy block in the tony village of Waban, in Newton.

“Varitek looked really tired,” said Chris O’Connell, 45, who brought his sons Joshua, (dressed as a Japanese ninja), 9, and Zeke, (Darth Vader), 7, to get autographs. “It was great - for him to be sitting out there after 9 o’clock on Halloween says a lot about the guy.”

At the local commuter station a few blocks from Varitek’s home, the village’s affection for the Sox catcher is articulated on handwritten signs hung on a fence - “Waban Loves V-Tek!” and “Tek is the best” - that he passes on his route to Fenway Park.

“Waban has been good to us and respected our privacy,” Varitek said yesterday in an interview at his home. “It was a good opportunity for me to say thanks.”

At the O’Connell house, Joshua woke up the morning after Halloween in disbelief. He spotted the baseball signed by the catcher of the 2007 World Series champions, but still ran down stairs with a question. “I asked mom if it was a dream,” he said.

And not quite a family man yet, Jonathan Papelbon took to the airwaves, using some colorful language on The Late Show. He also exposed fellow fan favorite David Ortiz….as an avid Bedazzler:

I kept waiting for Letterman to ask him about the Papel-face. Oh well.

Manny Ramirez also went on the Late Show, where he at first seemed almost in thrall of Jay Leno, which was kind of cute. Despite some requests to be traded away from Boston in the past, it sounds like Manny is quite happy to stay there now:

Steve Carrell was the other guest and just seems happily bemused by the whole thing.

And to round out our late-night lineup, we present the video Conan O’Brien interviewing one Bedazzled motherf*cker, David Ortiz, who came bearing gifts:

His advice to you? Go home and get some ass. (Seriously, he said that!)

In other news, Scott Boras continues to furiously backpedal from his mismanagement of A-Rod’s already dubious public image, which he cast into further disrepute by announcing his client’s free agency during Game 4 of the World Series. He now insists that A-Rod didn’t really mean to stand up Hank Aaron. Nonetheless, any warm feelings that half-assed excuse could stir were instantly negated by news leaking out that Boras and A-Rod considered the Yankees’ lucrative $230 million contract to be about $100 million short. The Hardball Times has a full breakdown on the challenges Boras and Rodriguez face en route to securing that massive contract.

In other douchery, Barry Bonds whined about getting scapegoated. If you don’t click on the link, did he make a sound? The AP reports that Bonds won’t attend the Hall of Fame ceremony inducting his record-setting home run ball if the ball is branded with an asterisk, as fans have demanded (an artist bought the ball and set up a website where seamheads could vote on whether the ball should be asterisked or not; the result was overwhelmingly in favor of asterisking). Bonds explained:

““You cannot give people the freedom, the right to alter history. You can’t do it. “

Those are some strong words. Does this mean we can count on George Bush to invade Barry’s house?

A few last Red-Sox-as-World-Champs notes: Charlie Pierce has an engaging column on the Sox’ win that a) refreshingly demonstrates that the Red Sox are not, in fact, the New Yankees, and b) contains this interesting nugget:

On Sunday, they brought out Papelbon, and that fearsome goofball ended the game by blowing away pinch hitter Seth Smith with some high heat, and by demonstrating some impressive upper-body strength by hoisting the fully armored Jason Varitek off the ground.

(Note to Papelbon: Baseball etiquette requires that the catcher lift the pitcher in such situations.)

This may be true, but at least on the Red Sox, the last time I saw Tek hoist the pitcher, it was when he lofted 120-pounds-soaking-wet rookie Clay Buchholz after his no hitter. Everyone else seems to insist on hoisting Varitek (as Foulke did in 2004, I might add).

And sadly, just as I was coming to rely on Will Leitch’s Fair and Foul blog, it is stolen from me. But not before he points out a few salient items, one of which I was thinking of myself as Leno interviewed Manny: why doesn’t anyone ever ask him about hitting? Maybe that’s not of interest to the typical Late Show viewer, but I would dearly love an opportunity to hear the Maestro break down his art. Maybe some day.

The results are in! It took over two months, but Umpbump has finished evaluating the offseasons of all 30 MLB teams. We analyzed each team’s free agent signings and trades and after careful consideration, each team was awarded a letter grade, ranging from A-F (no E’s for effort), just like in high school.

So who are the winners and who are the losers?

Three teams were awarded a failing grade: the White Sox, Angels and Nationals. Shame, shame on them.

The White Sox traded starters Brandon McCarthy and Freddy Garcia for prospects and spare parts, and failed to upgrade in center field, their greatest area of need. These moves might pay dividends down the road for the Sox, but for a team that is just one season removed from a World Series ring, they did nothing to help themelves in 2007.

The Angels signed Gary Matthews, Jr. to a ridiculous contract after he had a career year in Texas, only to discover two months later that Matthews was on steroids. That’s insult on top of stupidity.

The Nationals lost Alfonso Soriano and Jose Vidro and signed Abraham Nunez, Travis Lee, D’Angelo Jimenez and Tony Womack — four guys who wouldn’t make the roster of all 29 other major league teams.

No team received an “A” (no grade inflation here), but three teams got “A-” marks. They were the Yankees, Cubs and Rockies.

The Yankees got props for getting younger and cheaper, a major departure from past offseasons and a sign that Steinbrenner must be locked in a room with padded walls. They managed to sign the defensive minded Doug Mientkiewicz and SPs Kei Igawa and Andy Petitte, while unloading the salaries of Randy Johnson, Jaret Wright, and Garry Sheffield for a boatload of talented pitching prospects.

The Cubs had the biggest offseason of any team, signing the high profile Alfonso Soriano, as well as Ted Lilly, Mark DeRosa and Jason Marquis. Chicago fans will cheer these signings in 2007 and curse them in 2010, when Soriano is slowing and DeRosa’s mediocrity has become impossible to ignore. But for now, Chicago has done more than any other team to get better now.

That leaves us with the Colorado Rockies, who took a look at what the Cubs were doing this offseason and then did the exact opposite. GM Dan O’Dowd shipped the team’s only marquee player, SP Jason Jennings, to Houston for centerfielder Willy Taveras and pitchers Taylor Buchholz and Jason Hirsh. The trade gave the Rockies three young, promising players to add to an already young and talented group.

One final point about our Hot Offseason Action series: we graded (inadvertently) on a curve. You know how Michael Jordan never got called for a foul because he was Michael Jordan? The same thing happened here. For example, the Twins had a terrible offseason, but got a D instead of an F because they always find a way to win, regardless of who is on the field. Game appreciates game, so we had to give the Twins (and A’s and Braves) the benefit of the doubt.

You can see the rest of Hot Offseason Action grades here. How did your favorite team do?

This is one in a series of posts that will call out all 30 teams for their wily offseason moves and tragic offseason blunders.

The Yankees haven’t done much this offseason. It’s been more addition by subtraction.They traded Garry Sheffield to the Tigers for prospects. They traded Randy Johnson to the Diamondbacks for a middle reliever and prospects. And they are about to let Bernie Williams walk. About the only big thing the Yankees did add was SP Andy Petitte.

So how do the Bombers look heading into 2007? Better than ever.

Say what you will about small-ball being a more dependable postseason strategy. Or that the Yankees have too many big swingers to handle amped up playoff pitchers. But over 162 games, no team will score as many runs as the Yankees.

It’s telling that the Yankees have added only two significant regulars this offseason (Petitte and Kei Igawa — we’re not counting Doug Mientkiewicz) and yet their GM is being lauded for his savvy. That’s how stacked the team already was.

The team still has some pitching questions, both in the bullpen and in the rotation, but they’re not big questions. And the bullpen is improved by the addition of Luis Vizcaino, who held left-handed hitters to a paltry .163 AVG last season in Arizona.

Moreover, with an offense like this, the pitchers really won’t have to do much.

Offseason Grade: A-

Acquisitions

Kei Igawa, Andy Petitte, Doug Mientkiewicz, Luis Vizcaino

Losses

Gary Sheffield, Randy Johnson, Bernie Williams, Craig Wilson, Jaret Wright, Tanyon Sturtze, Octavio Dotel

Projected Lineup, Rotation and Closer

CF Johnny Damon - .285/.359/.482, 80 HR
SS Derek Jeter - .343/.417/.483, 34 SB
RF Bobby Abreu - .330/.419/.507, 42 RBI
3B Alex Rodriguez .290/.392/.523, 35 HR
DH Jason Giambi - .283/.359/.411, 43 RBI
LF Hideki Matsui - .302/.393/.494, 8 HR
C Jorge Posada - .277/.374/.492, 23 HR
2B Robinson Cano - .285/.359/.482, 78 RBI
1B Doug Mientkiewicz - .283/.359/.411, 43 RBI

SP Mike Musina - 15-7, 3.51
SP Andy Petitte - 14-13, 4.20
SP Chien Ming-Wang - 19-6, 3.63
SP Kei Igawa - none
SP Carl Pavano - none

CL Mariano Rivera - 34 S, 1.80

- Hot Offseason Action Index -

This is the one in a series of posts that will call out all 30 teams for their wily offseason moves and tragic offseason blunders.

Last season, for the first time in 15 years, the Braves didn’t win the NL East. So this season, we should expect major changes, right?

Right.

Last year’s team played without a dependable closer for much of the summer. Then they traded for Indians vet Bob Wickman down the stretch. Wickman was good, but he wasn’t enough to get the team into the playoffs.

This year, the Braves’ bullpen will be better. On Wednesday they traded 1B Adam LaRoche for Pittsburgh closer Mike Gonzalez. And earlier this winter they swapped SP Horacio Ramirez for Seattle setup man Rafael Soriano. Here’s a look at what Gonzalez, Soriano and Wickman did last year:

Mike Gonzalez 2.17 ERA, 54 G, 24 S, 3-4, 64 K, 31 BB

Rafael Soriano 2.25 ERA, 53 G, 2 S, 1-2, 65 K, 21 BB

Bob Wickman 2.67 ERA, 57 G, 33 S, 1-6, 42 K, 13 BB

Noo too shabby, eh?

Unfortunately, the Braves have done little to address their other shortcomings, namely starting pitching and offense. Last year’s paper thin rotation was anchored by the ageless John Smoltz. After Smoltz, there was the oh so disappointing Tim Hudson, Horacio Ramirez, John Thompson, Chuck James and Kyle Davies. This year, Smoltz, Hudson, James and Davies remain, but Ramirez was dealt to Seattle and Thompson left via free agency. If the Braves are to have any chance this season, James will have to continue his strong late-season showing, Davies will need to finally realize his potential and Mike Hampton will need to bounce back strong from his latest major surgery.

The Braves offense looks worse on paper than last season. The recently departed LaRoche hit .285 with 32 HRs and 90 RBIs last year, despite a slow start. He also ranked 10th in the National League with a 1.015 on-base plus slugging percentage (OPS). The Braves plan to turn over first base to Scott Thorman, who as a rookie hit .234 with five homers in 155 at-bats, and .298 with 15 homers for Class AAA Richmond. Not exactly an upgrade.

The team also lost 2B Marcus Giles, who left to play with his brother in San Diego. Last season Giles was forced into a leadoff role, even though he wasn’t a natural fit. This season, with Giles gone, the Braves have no obvious leadoff candidate.

If the Braves are going to score any runs, they will need Edgar Renteria to once again defy father time, Chipper Jones to stay healthy, Andruw Jones to have a huge contract year and Jeff Francouer to finally become the all-star they believe he is.

Don’t hold your breath.

Offseason Grade: C-

Signings

None

Losses

Marcus Giles, John Thompson, Chris Reitsma

Projected Lineup, Rotation and Closer

SS Edgar Renteria - .293/.361/.436, 17 SB
2B Martin Prado - .262/.340/.405, 1 HR
3B Chipper Jones - .324/.409/.596, 26 HR
CF Andruw Jones - .262/.363/.531, 41 HR, 129 RBI
C Brian McCann - .333/.388/.572, 24 HR
RF Jeff Francouer - .260/.293/.449, 29 HR
LF Ryan Langerhans & Matt Diaz (platoon) - combined 14 HR, 60 RBI
1B Scott Thorman - none

SP John Smoltz - 16-9, 3.49
SP Tim Hudson - 13-12, 4.86
SP Mike Hampton - none
SP Chuck James - 11-4, 3.78
SP Kyle Davies - 3-7, 8.38

CL Bob Wickman - 33 S, 2.67 ERA

- Hot Offseason Action Index -