Our UmpBump Fantasy League is getting tighter and tighter in the standings. Comfortable leads are now slimming down. Two owners have already made a combined 93 roster moves. which may be a record. But then again, with so many notable players hitting the DL over the past week (John Smoltz, Ryan Zimmerman, David Ortiz, Carlos Pena, Rickie Weeks, Jeremy Bonderman, Aaron Hill, and the indispensable Clete Thomas), it’s looking like a necessity…

Alejandro: So how’s it going? Good? Well? Swell? Great, I’m fine; just dandy. D’you see those White Sox? Boy that Ozzie Guillen can really get under his team’s skin, and boy do they respond! Ok fine, I didn’t want to do it, but I guess I have to talk about my fantasy team. I’m so good I don’t wanna talk about it lest I jinx it. I was this close to losing in week 9, but last week I just brought it, and my Center Field Stud whopped freebase my balls (yes that’s the name) 11-1. That lone loss came as a result of a 2.91 ERA, which was obviously not enough to beat balls’ 2.59. But really, my offense was firing on all cylinders. I mean, I had guys on the bench who were racking up stats. My pitching was decent, B.J. Ryan blew a save and had a balloon-like 16.20 ERA (I wonder if that’s what prevented a perfect 12-0?). And Mark Hendrickson seems to be coming back to earth. Don’t look now, but that first place seems awfully close at 7.5 games ahead. Hot: Dan Uggla, Chipper Jones, Hanley Ramirez, Jermaine Dye, Josh Beckett, Tim Lincecum, Kerry Wood (hot!!), Gavin Floyd, Jon Garland. Notable mildness: Eric Chavez. Not: Mark Hendrickson, B.J. Ryan, Alex Gordon (trade anyone?).

Coley: This week my team put a 9-3 beat down on Montefusco’s Revenge, a feat that is made more amazing by the fact that I had to overcome Oliver Perez’s 162.00 ERA. Overcome it I did, and Perez is now on the waiver wire. That’s the good news. The bad news is that, moments after trading away Todd Helton for Rich Harden, Carlos Pena hit the DL. All of a sudden I found myself sans a first basemen AND an extra infielder. So I picked up Mark Teahen and Carlos Delgado and they’ll just have to do until Pena and Chone Figgins return from the DL. Now my only problem is what to do with Jorge Posada. He’s back and he’s looking healthy, but I am perfectly content with Bengie Molina. I’ve tried to trade Posada but so far there have been no takers. Should I cut him? I just can’t bring myself to do it. Hot: Milton Bradley, Johnny Damon, Yunel Escobar. Not: Oliver Perez, Brandon Phillips.

Sarah: The Green Sox took a 6-5 squeaker last week over team caitlin grace, who goes all-lowercase, e.e. cummings-style. Embarassingly, she’s last in our league, hasn’t logged in in nearly a month, and has made zero roster moves all season long. But a win is a win, and this one marked an important milestone for my team: I finally won the saves category. With John Smoltz out for the season, I’m hoping the Braves will give my Rafael Soriano a long leash. With Pedro Martinez coming off the DL, I spent much of the week trying to find a taker for a pitcher to clear a space on my roster, but had no luck. Then Vernon Wells came off the DL and Rickie Weeks went on, necessitating even more maneuvering. Ultimately, I dropped Dana Eveland, Hong Chih Kuo, and Santiago Casilla and added Joel Zumaya and Akinori Iwamura. Hot: J.D. Drew, David Murphy (though the poor kid never gets a chance to play for me—trade anyone?), Vernon Wells, Ian Kinsler, Troy Glaus. Not: Andy Pettitte (I thought it was safe to pitch him against the Royals!), Matt Cain, Jacoby Ellsbury.

Paul: My high school gym teacher, the legendary John Donodeo, used to say, “a tie is like kissing your sister!” Mr. Donodeo, that’s just gross. I really think I’d just rather tie. And so would 98% of god-fearing Americans (statistic not applicable in West Virginia, Alabama, Mississippi, and Philadelphia). But I did manage to pull off a draw this week against the team whose name is most difficult to type, Box89RowKKSeat14 (Ania). My offense was dominated but my pitching staff picked up the slack. That’s not to say that all my bats were silent. Brian Roberts, Edwin Encarnacion, and Shane Victorino did their best, but the only category I won on offense was Runs Scored. On the mound, the only pitcher who stumbled was Cliff Lee, and he still picked up a win despite allowing six runs in five innings (proof #876,329,861,734,896 that Wins are an arbitrary stat). But Scott Kazmir just keeps rolling. Have you seen just how good he’s been? He began the year late due to an injury, but since his return, he’s pitched 45 innings, averaging almost 10Ks per 9IP, less than 3 walks per 9, allowing a mere (but unsustainable) .22 HRs per game, a 0.91 WHIP and 1.40 ERA. On a totally, completely and utterly unrelated note, the Mets are 7.5 games back in the NL East and Victor Zambrano is sporting a 9.45 ERA. In Colorado Springs. AAA. Excuse me, I need to go get a tissue. Hot: Brian Roberts, Edwin Encarnacion, Shane Victorino, Trevor Hoffman, George Sherrill, Scott Kazmir. Not: Geovany Soto, David Wright, Jhonny Peralta, Cliff Lee.

Standings, with games behind:

1. Paul (ElDuquesInjuryReport) (0)
2. Scott (Utley’s Firm Quads) (3.5)
3. Doug (Swamp Dragons) (5)
4. Alejandro (Center Field Stud) (7.5)
5. Sarah (Somerville Green Sox) (13.5)
6. Kirk (Montefusco’s Revenge) (23)
7. Bryan (Pirates in 08!) (24.5)
8. Ania (Box89RowKKSeat14) (26.5)
9. Larry (croutchyoldman) (26.5)
10. Coley (Crunkball All Stars) (28.5)
11. Sooze (freebase my balls) (34.5)
12. Caitlin (caitlin grace) (35)

Drunk, belligerent Al Reyes to arresting officer: “Don’t tase me, bro!” (DRaysBay)

In other booze news, Drunk Jays Fans is having a healthy debate about all those…drunk…Jays…fans. How apt.

El Lefty Malo has an intriguing suggestion for Barry Zito: send him down.

Fire Joe Morgan took their sarcastic snark to new heights yesterday with YouTube. Epic.

I love reading CenterField. This woman has gone above and beyond to bring us the video of Jonathan Papelbon’s asstastic Dunkin Donuts commerical. I have been waiting for this moment all week!

There’s a reason UmpBumper Nick didn’t join our fantasy league. “You guys have to understand, fantasy sports is like crack to me,” he confessed. “Once I start, I can’t stop.” Sound familiar to any of you? Well, here’s a way to save yourself from yourself. (RotoNation)

Edgar Renteria apparently likes getting booed now (”When the fans boo me, that’s real exciting”) reports the Boston Herald. That’s not what he said when he left Boston for the Braves, when he said that an early booing by Red Sox fans caused him to put too much pressure on himself. “I don’t know if [the fans] were looking for 30 homers, like Garciaparra in the past did, but it was crazy,” he kvetched at the time, adding “I had never been booed in my career.” We weren’t looking for thirty homers. We just didn’t want thirty errors.

The Red Sox and the homers they hit, from Me and Pedro. An excellent chuckle (at least for Sox fans).

Since 1956, only 5 pitchers have gone their first three starts without giving up a run. Today, tomorrow, and Sunday, three pitchers will try to match this feat—Ben Sheets, Oliver Perez, and Kyle Lohse. Get the details from Baseball Reference’s Stat of the Day.

Doug Glanville’s writing a guest column for the NYT this season.

Also, there’s a Red Sox t-shirt buried under the new Yankee Stadium.

Thank you, that is all.

It seemed like everything went right for the Mets last season. Guys (Pedro not included) were healthy. Balls took fortuitous bounces. The sun was always shining in Queens.

The 2007 season hasn’t even started yet and already it looks like the Mets don’t figure to be quite as lucky. And if you’re a Mets fan, it’s the pitching that worries you the most.

First Pedro Martinez had surgery that could keep him out all season long. Then New York failed to sign Barry Zito. Then they let Steve Trachsel walk. Then El Duque got arthritis in his neck. And now Oliver Perez is coming apart at the seams.

Yesterday, the talented but inconsistent Perez let a slider get away from him and hit a Sports Illustrated cameraman in the calf. From the New York Daily News:

“When he threw it I was like, ‘Oh, no,’ because I knew there were a bunch of camera guys back there,” catcher Paul LoDuca said. “That smoked that guy right on the freaking calf.”

Perez, not known for his pinpoint control in recent years, managed a grin. When the game started, the southpaw found the plate - too much of it, in fact, according to LoDuca.

In two innings, Perez surrendered four runs on five hits, including a homer by Ryan Raburn on a first-pitch changeup, in the Tigers’ 5-4 victory at Tradition Field.

The Mets are no doubt figuring that all they need is average pitching to make the postseason and that their awesome offense will do the rest. But it’s looking like the Mets pitching might fall well short of average.

It’s possible that the Mets starters will get their acts together. This may all be much ado about nothing. Then again, this could be the year the Mets go from first to worst.

When the Mets announced they wouldn’t be bringing back Steve Trachsel, I didn’t bat an eyelash. Trachsel is the definition of average. On the other hand, he was consistently average. And that probably sounds pretty good to the Mets right about now, as the watch Pedro go through rehab, El Duque get his cortizone shots, and Perez take out the press corps.