Desperate times call for desperate measures, and there are few measures more desperate than playing Paul Lo Duca at third base and in the outfield. But that’s exactly what the Washington Nationals plan to do. Lo Duca went on the DL for 36 games and, in his absense, Jesus Flores has been hot. So now the Nationals are looking for new ways to get the 36-year-old catcher in the game.

The Nats could use Lo Duca to spell Aaron Boone at third. Boone is filling in for Ryan Zimmerman (and his sub-.300 OBP). Zimmerman is out with a tear in his left shoulder and may require surgery. The Nats could use Lo Duca at first, where Dmitri Young has diabetes and Nick Johnson is still out with a wrist injury. They could use him in the outfield where neither Lastings Milledge, Elija Dukes or Willy Mo Pena have distinguished themselves (though Milledge has been hot lately).

But regarless of where they play Lo Duca, the Nats will likely still find themselves short on offense. They have the fewest runs scored in the majors. They are getting below average production from every position on the diamond except shortstop. And the shortstop, Christian Guzman, is a free agent after this season and will likely not return.

Then there’s the team’s pitching, which isn’t as bad as the offense, but won’t be confused with the 1995 Braves anytime soon. John Lannan has been decent this season, posting a 3.36 ERA, and at 24 he represents a young arm with some upside. Jason Bergmann had a stretch of three games where he didn’t give up a run, but his era on the season is 5.48. It would take a real optimist to look at this rotation and see reason for hope.

So what do the Washington Nationals need? Patience. But not patience at the plate, like Sarah is advocating for the Yankees. No, the Nats need the kind of patience a mother has for her son, or a fed chief has with a struggling economy. Teams don’t go from laughing stocks to winners overnight. And Washington won’t be an exception.

Washington should shop closer Chad Cordero as soon as he establishes that he’s healthy. And they should shop Guzman, who could help a team like the Dodgers now that Rafael Furcal is out until July and is facing the prospect of season ending back surgery.

But mostly, Washington should focus on coming up with some awesome promotions. Because I don’t think fans are going to pay to see this team play baseball anytime soon.

-What They Need Index-

Yesterday, they said Paul Lo Duca would catch the ceremonial first pitch at the Nationals’ new park, thrown by President George W. Bush.

Today, they said “never mind.” It’ll be somebody else. Anybody else. Maybe Manny Acta.

So what’s wrong with Lo Duca?

I have a few ideas.

Mind you, I don’t live in Washington. I don’t work in politics. But I’ve seen enough episodes of “The West Wing” to know how these things work.

We can assume Lo Duca got vetted. This is common practice. If you’re a member of the public and you’re going to be coming within 100 yards of the president, then they’re going to take a look at your file.

Somebody investigated Lo Duca and raised an objection. The question is who? And why?

Lo Duca’s ouster had to be either politically motivated, or it was over security concerns.

Why would Lo Duca be a political liability? Well, there was that little matter of Lo Duca’s gambling debts, which were said to be sizable. Lo Duca claimed his debts were with offshore bookies, which is illegal. Then there was his very public divorce from his playmate wife and the revelations of his affair with a 19-year old college student.

Why would Lo Duca be a security concern? Did we mention the gambling debts? Two years ago the New York Daily News reported that on at least two occasions, big mafia-type guys attempted to visit Mets catcher at ball parks for the purpose of collecting gambling debts. If guys want to break your legs, you don’t get to hang with the prez.

Is it fair? Maybe not. But that’s the way it is. A guy with Lo Duca’s checkered past simply can’t catch for the President.

Now, if he wants to be president, that’s another story. In fact, his divorce might even help.

UPDATE: Andrew points out that Lo Duca’s inclusion in the Mitchell report probably didn’t make him any more palatable politically. I totally meant to mention that.

I’m not sure which of these three things is the most ludicrous:

1. Jeff Kent returning to Los Angeles having exercised his one-year/$9m option after expressing despair and incredulity over the younger Dodger players and “why they don’t get it”. Good luck mending those fences, Jeff. It’s uh… gonna be awkward. At least the money’s good.

2. Paul Lo Duca telling the press that his new team, the Washington Nationals, has a chance to win (the) division. Like, this year. From what I understand, he was being completely serious. For real.

3. One of our favorites, Mr. Carl Pavano – the $40 million man – being asked by the Yankees to accept a minor-league deal. This is just pure schadenfreude on my part, I know. But I can’t help it.

The Nationals today signed catcher Paul Lo Duca.

Of course, this means little for the Nationals chances of winning the NL East (they won’t). But it’s just more evidence that Jim Bowden loves the blogosphere and will do anything and everything within his power to make our lives easier.

Because, when you’ve already signed a guy with five children by four different women whose wife recently sought a restraining order against him, another guy who was cut from his previous team because of a drinking problem, and a third guy who wants to be a gangsta rapper and pissed off his teammates so much they hung a sign in his locker reminding him to mind his p’s and q’s, why not sign a catcher with a history of gambling debts and extra-marital affairs with 19 year-olds?

I can’t think of a single reason.