Yankees fireballer Joba Chamberlain will make his long-awaited debut as a starter on Tuesday. He will be limited to 70 pitches. The entire East Coast media will be drooling.

Pedro Martinez will also make his long-awaited return to the Mets’ rotation Tuesday. Pedro claims that the Mets clubhouse would have been looser if he had been around. Let’s hope he can be awesome and injury free for the rest of the season, because who wouldn’t want to watch just a little bit more acery from one of the most entertaining pitchers of our generation?

No. 1 prospect in America Jay Bruce had 4 more hits on Friday, raising his batting average in his first 4 games to .571. That the Reds not only went out and sign Corey Patterson this winter specifically to block Bruce, but then stuck with him in the leadoff spot, for two whole months, despite his .200 average and his execrable .240 OBP, can only be taken as a searing indictment of Dusty Baker and departed GM Wayne Krivsky, and anyone else in the Reds organization who could have stepped in and put a stop to the madness. Bruce had nothing left to prove in the minor leagues since more than a year ago, and should have been starting in centerfield for the Reds on opening day.

Steeply declining Indians DH Travis Hafner has been put on the DL for generalized suckiness (officially, a “sore shoulder”). Hafner’s bat has fallen off a cliff the last two seasons, beyond what a mere sore shoulder can explain. He may not be truly this bad, but I think it is safe to say that the Indians are going to be regretting signing him to an extension through 2012 for years to come.

Red Sox ace Daisuke Matsuzaka will go on the DL with a strained rotator cuff, missing at least one start if not more. This means an encore performance of the Justin Masterson show. Everyone is talking about how all signs are as good as can be on Matsuzaka’s shoulder, but I don’t know if there can really be “good signs” when we are talking about some sort of rotator cuff problem.

The Carlos Gonzalez era has officially begun in Oakland, where the organization’s top prospect was called up on Friday and quietly got off to a fine 2 for 3 start, amid much less fanfare than that surrounding the callups of Bruce or Clayton Kershaw. I’m not sure if he’s really ready to hit in the Majors - his AAA stats still showed he has some issues with commanding the strike zone - but with Ryan Sweeney going on the DL, the A’s needed someone to play centerfield, and Gonzalez’s plus defense and rocket arm, at least, will play immediately.

Even less fanfare attended the Cardinals’ decision to call up outfielder Joe Mather, and surprisingly, send down Chris Duncan, who hadn’t exactly been sucky. It was already ridiculous how many talented young outfielders the Cardinals have all of a sudden, what with Ducan, and Rick Ankiel, and Skip Schumaker, and Ryan Ludwick, and Brian Barton. You can now add Mather to that list, as he already made a spectacular diving catch in his first game up, and he might have to be on your fantasy radar having already slugged 12 homers and posted a 1.077 OPS so far at Triple-A this season.

Rumors are starting to heat up again about Kenny Lofton possibly catching on with a big league team at last. Despite hitting .296 with 7 homers and 24 stolen bases last season, Lofton has yet to find a taker for his services this year. His defense has declined to the point where he should no longer be an everyday starter, and he can no longer hit left-handed pitching, but he can still put up strong numbers vs. right-handers and should be able to find a place on somebody’s roster as a part-timer. The Cubs and Mets continue to be rumored as destinations, and Lofton would make some sense for both squads. But in my view this is just people stirring up rumors as there has been no credible evidence that either team is willing to sign Lofton. But with lefty stick, ability to hit for average, and still-dangerous speed, it makes no sense that Lofton doesn’t at least have a role as a bench player when people like Mark Sweeney still have major league jobs.

By now, you’ve no doubt read the story: ESPN found out that Miguel Tejada wasn’t really 31; when they asked him how old he was, he said 32; he’s actually 33.

I read this story and I thought, “Miguel Tejada’s only 33?!” For some reason I thought he was 35.

Anyway, the Houston Chronicle’s Richard Justice says this is no biggy for Miggy:

Don’t condemn Miguel Tejada unless you’re absolutely sure what you would have done in the same situation. Don’t jump on your high horse unless you’ve walked a mile in Miguel Tejada’s shoes. He was a poor kid that saw baseball as a way to provide for his family.

If he’s 17, he’s one kind of prospect. If he’s 19, he’s another kind. So he told scouts he was 17 when he actually was 19. Instead of celebrating his 32nd birthday next month, he’ll be 34. This isn’t a big deal. As Ed Wade said, the important thing is he’s playing like he’s 25.

I hope I’m not about to mount my high horse here. (As Babes Love Baseball put it, “I am not one to condemn people for lying about the year they were born. I was under the age of 21 at one time and was very thirsty.”) But I do think this is a big deal. First, Tejada’s already under a cloud because of the steroid rumors that have been swirling around him for years. Now that we know he lied about his age, anyone who believed his steroid denials will rightfully wonder if he’s lying about that, too.

But the bigger deal, of course, is that Tejada’s actual age calls into question what the Astros can expect to get out of him, considering that the peak age for the average baseball player is generally considered 27, and considering that a precipitous drop-off in production can usually be expected to strike in a player’s mid-30s. (Beyond the Box Score has a graph—of course!—demonstrating the pattern.) And the discrepancy also calls into question last winter’s trade between ‘Stros and the O’s. Yet Houston GM Ed Wade doesn’t seem to care. MLB Trade Rumors:

I’m surprised - those two years have to be a big consideration when projecting him for his ‘08 and ‘09 seasons, which the ‘Stros pretty much own. I guess the Astros can’t have a legitimate beef with the Orioles, if the O’s didn’t know either.

Tejada, by the way, can opt out of his contract after this season. He’s due $13MM in ‘09.

Unless he has a great season this year, I’d expect him not to opt-out. 34-year olds don’t get the money or the contracts that 32-year olds do. Which is, of course, part of why he lied in the first place.

But don’t worry, Miguel. You’re still younger than I thought you were.

PS—Obligatory Julio Franco age joke at Larry Brown Sports.

PPS—Pedro Martinez says he’s 36. His son, Pedro E. Martinez, is a Mets prospect and will turn 21 this June. Of course, it’s not impossible that he became a father at 15, but…

To most Red Sox fans, there’s no man faster than Jacoby Ellsbury. The kid’s projected to steal 32 bases next year after swiping 9 bags in the majors in 33 games last season, without getting caught. His first big league hit came when he beat out an infield single, running so fast not even the TV crew was quite prepared. We watched him dash from second base to home plate on wild pitch, and score standing up. Considering the organization had disdained speed for decades, it wasn’t surprising that many Sox fans had to scrape their jaws off the floor.

But actually, as it turns out, Jacoby Ellsbury may not be the fastest man on earth. He may not even be the fastest man in the Red Sox organization.

Pitching prospect Clay Buchholz, who threw a no-hitter in his second career start, was a champion sprinter in high school. He recently challenged a certain Phillies prospect to a footrace for “talking smack” about pitchers while the two were training at the Athletes Performance Institute near Penascola, Florida. Moreover, writes Baseball Prospectus, “While at Angelina college, Buchholz was also the best hitter on the team, and would still have been drafted in the first ten rounds as an outfielder if he’d never pitched.”

But could Clay beat Ellsbury in a track meet? The world may never know. Despite recent rumors that the two had squared off, Buchholz insists it ain’t so:

“I’ve already been told,” he said, “that I’ll be fined if I race against Ellsbury.”

If someone can get me a reliable source with the name of the Phillies prospect and the outcome of the race, I’ll send you UmpBump stickers!

Other strange news:

Item 1: In case you missed it, Pedro Martinez and Juan Marichal were filmed at a cock fight in the DR. Aside from the issues of animal cruelty and cultural difference which the two-year old video raised, the news spawned new heights of adolescent creativity in headline-writing bloggers everywhere.

Item 2: What, Debbie Clemens took PEDs too? Surely you jest!

Item 3: Livan Hernandez finally has a home with the Twins. But there are numerous free agents still available, including Barry Bonds, Kenny Lofton, Bartolo Colon, Kyle Lohse, Shawn Green, Mike Piazza, Shannon Stewart, Armando Benitez, Josh Fogg, Freddy Garcia, Tony Graffanino, Jeff Weaver, Tony Clark, Trot Nixon, Sammy Sosa, Corey Koskie, and Corey Patterson. I know there are teams out there that still have holes to fill, benches to populate, money to spend. Pitchers and catchers report in two days! And, of course, Julio Franco is still available. Won’t someone sign him please? The man’s got a good six months before he turns 50.

The Big Hurt recently had a little visitor: a former munchkin.

Mickey Carroll, one of the munchkins in the 1939 movie The Wizard of Oz, met up with 6′5″ Blue Jays DH Frank Thomas at the Jays spring training facility in Dunedin, Fla. on Sunday. The 4′7″ Carroll, 87, talked and exchanged autographs with the Big Hurt.

Now, when I think of spring training, this isn’t the first image that comes to mind. But, throughout a February that produced a frenzy of bizarre spring training storylines, this one was undoubtedly the most refreshing. Would Lou Piniella and Mark Prior already be scuffling if they had a munchkin in their clubhouse? Would anyone be worried about Curt Schilling’s weight problem if Carroll were stomping around Fort Myers declaring “We thank you very sweetly for doing it so neatly” (this in fact was one of Carroll’s lines in the movie…after Dorothy’s house fell from the sky and crushed the Wicked Witch of the West)?

It seems as if many of baseball’s biggest problems can be overshadowed by the mere presence of a small person. Just ask former Red Sox ace Pedro Martinez, whose frequent entourage included the late 1′9″ Nelson de la Rosa.

I congratulate Frank Thomas for recognizing the link between little people and baseball success. He is truly a man among boys…er…munchkins.

Ken Williams who?

Literally.

In the “who knew?” department, the Mets have the 19-year-old son of ace Pedro Martinez (also named Pedro Martinez), in their Dominican Republic training camp this year, where he went 0-1 with a 3.14 ERA in 10 games in the summer league.

Who knew that Pedro had a 19-year-old son? Isn’t Pedro only 35? That would mean he had a son when he was 15 or 16 years old!

As a veteran Pedro watcher, I’m amazed that I somehow never knew he had a son. Am I the only one who didn’t know? Was this some sort of dirty secret in Pedro’s closet all these years? Who is this boy’s mother? Google doesn’t seem to have any knowledge about Pedro Martinez having a son until these latest articles in 2007!

In terms of longevity, production, and putting up numbers, the two greatest pitchers of our generation are Roger Clemens and Greg Maddux. But the skill sets these two pitchers wielded were completely different. While Clemens was a power pitcher who came right at hitters with hard heat and gunned for the strikout, Maddux was a crafty finesse artist with pinpoint control who would go for contact and try to induce weak rollers and popups while compiling 75-pitch complete games.

But imagine someone like Clemens turning into someone like Maddux. That is what Pedro Martinez is attempting to do these days as he tries to pitch with a torn rotator cuff, a chronically sore hip, and a toe-injury so severe that a special shoe had to be custom made by Nike and still hasn’t eliminated the pain.

I’m watching a sweet matchup tonight between two aces - Pedro vs. Dontrelle Willis of the Marlins. But it’s amazing to see what a different type of pitcher Pedro is these days. Whereas even earlier this season Pedro was still running it up there at 91, 92 mph, tonight the guy who once routinly hit 98 mph with his fast ball is sitting on 87, and only on maximum effort pitches, like the one he just threw to strike out Miguel Olivo to end a scoring threat, is he able to touch 89.

Meanwhile his curveball, which amazingly enough used to reach the low 80s, has never surpassed 71 mph tonight, and the once matchless change-up, which used to knock 18 mph off the fastball at 79 or 80 mph, is now still 79 or 80, only 8 or 9 mph slower than the fastball.

They say the flame that shines twice as brightly burns half as long. Pedro is only 34 years old, but physically he is a pale shadow of his former self. So far he has been able to keep his stats respectable, but he needs to continue transitioning into more of a Maddux type than a Clemens type if he wants to keep his career going much longer.

It is clear that he still has a hunger for the strikeout. Several times already this game he has gotten ahead early with two strikes and then deliberately thrown several pitches off the plate trying to get a K. But this is causing him to run up a huge pitch count. At this point in his career, Pedro needs to be more like Maddux and try to use his wiles to induce weak contact as early in the count as possible so he can keep his pitch counts down and go deeper into games.

The Fenway Faithful again ovated their one-time sweetheart, after the Sox played a hilarious montage of Petey’s great moments with the team, set to the tune of Evita’s “You Must Love Me” as performed by Madonna. (Incidentally, don’t you feel like Madge and Senor Ponchado would get along like a house on fire? I do.) Where are you when we need you, YouTube??

And then, much to the delight of said Faithful, the Red Sox proceeded to score 8 runs off a hapless Martinez. Sox announcer Jerry Remy speculated that Pedro’s head wasn’t in the right place—and Pedro himself admitted that he was a tad emotional.

But Pedro refused to let his parade be rained upon (and for once, it was dry in the Fens), saying “It’s not disappointing at all. The reception I got, I will always remember that as one of the best moments of my life.”

Awww Petey. We must love you!And we must also love Lastings Milledge of the Mets, btw, who turned a can of corn into two Red Sox runs for the second time in as many nights. Lastings, you can Milledge our left field on as many opposing teams as you want.

One other note for you numerology fans. Boston has won 11 in a row for the first time in 11 years on the same night that Mark Loretta extended his hitting streak to 11 games. WoooOOOOoooooOOOooo! Freaky.

Also, for the record, I can’t stand this guy, even though I essentially agree with him. What is it with the Boston Globe sportswriters lately? They sound like the pompous-yet-clueless principle from some 80s TV show. Okay, FINE I won’t boo Pedro and I’m sorry I booed Johnny Damon (not really, I had my fingers crossed when I said that) and I really regret becoming addicted to caffeine pills—but I was just so….so…..so scared!

The New York Times has a rather fawning article today about Pedro Martinez’s return to Fenway with the Mets this week.

Even though Martínez spurned the Red Sox, at least he spurned them for another team that hates the Yankees. No matter what happened in the 1986 World Series, the Mets and the Red Sox are related in some distant way, bound by a common enemy. “I hope the people here are nice to him,” Ortiz said recently. “I really think they will be.”

I certainly wished for as much in my last Metro column. Still, I hope my boys in red can hand him an L tomorrow night.

Cue music.

I’m in a fantasy league (yes, just one). It’s a head-to-head league. Before the season started, I traded Curt Schilling and Coco Crisp for Gary Sheffield and Pedro Martinez. Since then, Ben — the douchebag on the other end of the trade — has been boasting non-stop about how he got the better of our deal.

Essentially, Ben’s posts on our fantasy bulletin board sound something like this: “Curt Schilling is the greatest pitcher in the history of the game. He makes Chuck Norris look like a pussy.”

Earlier tonight, Ben posted this note describing all the ways that Schilling is superior to Pedro:

I … won’t point out that Pedro has ZERO wins in May.
None.
And in the spirit of not mentioning things…I won’t point out that Curt went 5-1 in May.
Hosed?
Yeah…YOU bitch.

Usually, I don’t use the Umpbump forum to settle my petty fantasy debates, but I think it’s worth it to look at the first 50 games of Pedro vs. Schilling — even though I know it won’t shut Ben up. Keep in mind that there are six pitching categories in our fantasy league: wins, ERA, WHIP, strikeouts, strikeout to walk ratio, and saves.

Pedro: REC 5-1 | SV 0 | ERA 2.50 | WHIP .81 | SO 88 | k/bb 5.12

Schilling: REC 8-2 | SV 0 | ERA 3.93 | WHIP 1.08 | SO 65 | k/bb 7.22

Both men have pitched in 11 games. As you can see, Schilling has three more wins. Pedro, on the other hand, has a significantly lower ERA and WHIP, and more strikeouts. Schilling has a superior K/bb ratio — 7.22. Pedro’s K/bb ratio is 5.12 K/bb ratio. Neither pitcher has any saves.
So which pitcher is more valuable? You decide. All I know is Pedro has superior numbers in three of the six categories that count (and neither pitcher will save any games this year). So I’m happy. (Ben will probably argue that Pedro is notoriously weaker in the second half of the season, to which I reply, “yeah, but Schilling is fat.”)

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When was the last time you saw something like this? Mets 1, Diamondbacks 0, in 13 innings. A classic Pedro performance, of course. No run support for Petey, of course. And another no-decision, bien sur. (We’re sticking with a sort of pseudo-French fencing lingo today.) Be sure to check out the loopy box score. Zut alors!