Yahoo! fantasy “expert” Brandon Funston (whose teams always seem to finish last) weighs in this week on Prince Fielder and his lack of power this season:

Folks, I hear your concerns about Fielder’s new vegetarian lifestyle. Last year’s 50-home run hitter has just six long balls through 43 games this season. Milwaukee doesn’t employ a dietician on staff, like some teams, but you’d think that that would have been the first thing they would have done when they heard their prize slugger had sworn off dead animals.

That’s one way to look at it. Me, I think the Brewers might have investigated hiring a dietician the day they drafted a 280-pound first baseman (Prince is listed at 260, but who are we kidding?). Prince’s new diet shouldn’t be cause for concern, it should be cause for celebration. True, his power numbers are down slightly, but there’s no reason to think it has anything to do with his diet. Ryan Howard’s numbers are terrible. As recently as last week he had the lowest batting average in baseball. Are we blaming his struggles on his diet?

If Prince starts dating Jessica Simpson, then there will be cause for concern. But eating more vegetables is a good thing.

David Ortiz (.070, 1 HR, 3 RBI) “I’m just trying to figure things out for a minute so I can go back to being Big Papi again. You see this in baseball, where a guy will have a hard time, go home, chill out and come back with a fresh mind. It happens to everybody. I always do what Terry tells me to do. I’m an employee.”

Jason Giambi (.107, 2 HR, 4 RBI) “If I’ve been frustrated by anything, it’s that I feel so good and I’m hitting the ball hard and I had nothing to show for it.”

C.C. Sabathia (0-2, 11.57 ERA) “Of course people are going to say that — what else could be the reason?” he said. “It can’t just be that I’m pitching bad. It’s got to be something bigger; why not that? I don’t really care how it looks or seems. I can’t control what people think. I’m just trying to get it right and win baseball games.” — on whether his struggles are caused by contract-year pressure.

Jose Reyes (.225, 0 HR, 6 RBI) “I’m gonna get there. I want to finish my career here.”

Prince Fielder (.222 AVG, 0 HR, 6 RBI) “This game is all mental, anyway. It’s never physical” (so don’t even think about blaming this on my weight or my new vegetarian diet, asshole).

Miguel Cabrera (.175 AVG, 1 HR, 2 RBI) “It’s bad. I’m playing bad. … I feel bad. I feel like everybody’s behind me, laughing.”

Kenny Rogers (0-3, 6.75 ERA) “I’m supposed to be consistent and I was very uncomfortable out there and inconsistent.”

Andruw “The Tubbo” Jones (.100 AVG, 0 HR, 1 RBI) “Do I have to be sad all the time? My mom is still living, my dad is still living, and my mom thinks I’m fine and that’s what matters.”

Professional baseball players are selfish. Everybody knows it. They’re greedy, money grubbing douchebags.

Except, for most of this offseason, they weren’t.

Don’t believe me? Let’s take a walk down memory lane.

This winter, Troy Tulowitzki, Matt Holliday, Robinson Cano, Brad Hawpe, Manny Corpas and a few others signed contracts that locked them up through their arbitration-eligible years. They left money on the table (possibly) in exchange for financial security. Nobody wants to go year to year.

Mike Lowell gave the Boston Red Sox a hometown discount. So did Curt Schilling. And the latter even promised to lose weight!

Alex Rodriguez negotiated his contract with the Yankees himself (with the aid of Warren Buffett), pushing aside Scott Boras and signing for millions less than many speculated he might get.

Kenny Rogers flat out fired Boras. Garry Sheffield called the super agent a “bad person.”

Manny Ramirez showed up to camp in great shape and told the media that he wanted to play until he was 50 and that he wanted to retire a Red Sox.

It all seemed too good to be true. Maybe it was.
Lately, the era of good feelings has come to a screetching halt.

First, Schilling announced that he wanted to have surgery, but the Red Sox wouldn’t let him.

Then Ramirez, fresh off his “I want to stay in Boston” speech, hired Boras as his new agent. Not that hiring Boras is a guarantee that Ramirez will sign elsewhere — but it’s certainly not encouraging.

This week, Jonathan Papelbon said he wants $900,000 — the same amount Ryan Howard got in his third year. The implication, as always: they can pay now or somebody else will get the chance to pay later.

Also, Prince Fielder and Cole Hamels got all bent out of shape when their teams renewed their contracts. Both players felt like they got jipped. Hamels called his $500,000 contract a “low blow.” Here’s what Fielder had to say about his $670,000 deal:

“I’m not happy about it at all,” Fielder said. “The fact I’ve had to be renewed two years in a row, I’m not happy about it because there’s a lot of guys who have the same amount of time that I do who have done a lot less and are getting paid a lot more.

“But my time is going to come. It’s going to come quick, too.”

Them there’s fightin’ words.

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that Tampa Bay CF B.J. Upton said all the right things after his contract was renewed by the Rays this week. Upton will make $10,000 less than he made in 2007, despite hitting .300-24-82 with 22 steals last year. But he says the slight won’t affect his play.

Upton’s tact notwithstanding, the last few weeks represented a bit of turbulance in the otherwise smooth sailing relationship between the players and management. What will the future hold? Your guess is as good as mine.

Prince Fielder was once the spokesperson, along with his father, for the McDonalds triple cheeseburger. But those days are long gone.

Yesterday, Prince announced that he has become a vegetarian.

From the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinal:

It wasn’t always this way. Fielder used to enjoy a stacked burger or a juicy steak as much as any carnivore, but a few weeks ago he received a book from his wife, Chanel, that changed his outlook on what he puts in his massive frame. The book described how certain animals are treated and slaughtered for food.

…”After reading that, (meat) just didn’t sound good to me anymore,” Fielder said. “It grossed me out a little bit. It’s not a diet thing or anything like that. I don’t miss it at all.”

Fielder is a begginner vegetarian. He’s still just getting his feet wet. So I’m here to offer a few tips, from one vegetarian to another.

1. The secret craving of every vegetarian is bacon. Fight the temptation. And remember, if you really want a BLT, there’s always facon!

2. Quinoa is a great source of protein. I like to make curry quinoa mango salad. Big Papi says mango gives him power, so this should be a staple of your diet. I know you’ve had some friction with your own dad, but it’s always a good idea to do as Papi does.

3. Tofu is your friend. Bake it. Fry it. Live it. Love it. It is admittedly a texture that takes some getting used to. Start out with the extra firm tofu and then ease yourself into the more silken stuff.

4. Foreign foods are often very veggie friendly (except for those damn Koreans). Indian food and Ethiopian food are both great for meat avoiders. Chinese food can be tricky, but there are more and more Chinese restaurants with vegetarian menus, many with a lot of faux-meat options. When I lived in Atlanta I used to get the vegetarian sesame beef at Chinese Buddha on 10th Street and … well … fuhgettaboutit. It was the bomb.

5. Buy a wok. Then buy the book “Breath of a Wok” by Grace Young. It’ll change the way you look at cooking. There’s nothing more fun that getting your wok super hot and tossing your dinner up in the air. And the sound the soy sauce makes when it hits the hot cast iron … so sexy.

6. Pasta is still your friend. My girlfriend makes a great puttanesca sauce, only she skips the anchovy paste. You don’t need it. The capers and the kalamata olives make the sauce plenty salty. And the red pepper flakes add a great spice. And if you want to really get crazy (and healthy), you can substitute spaghetti squash for pasta. Just bake the squash for 40 minutes and then scrape it into a bowl with a fork. You’ll love it.

There’s nothing wrong with Boca Burgers, Prince. But hopefully these tips will help you expand your vegetarian horizons. Remember, the best part of being a vegetarian is — you guessed it — the vegetables! So don’t be afraid to try something new, whether its broccoli rabe or rutabaga. And congratulations on embracing a lifestyle that is the most important thing anyone can do to save the earth.

This is one of a series of posts in which we grade each team’s wily hot stove maneuvers and tragic offseason blunders.

As we know, “Milwaukee” is Algonquin for “the good land.” And Milwaukee does indeed look like the good land in 2008. Last year they ended up leading the NL Central for all but 29 games, only to falter in August and cede first place to the powerhouse 85-win Cubs. But this year will be different. Why?

First, there’s the hotly anticipated full season of Dreamy-Eyed Ryan Braun. Then there’s the fact that the Brewers finally took my advice (preen, preen) and moved the defensively challenged Braun out of the left side of the infield and into the left side of the outfield. Then there’s the fact that he’s just 24.

Then, there’s Prince Fielder, who, while the baseball world’s attention was focused on the dreamy eyes of the aforementioned Dreamy-Eyed One, hit 50 homers last year. He’s still only 23.

And then there’s Rickie Weeks, who spent most of last year struggling as he recovered from wrist surgery he’d had in August 2006—but who went on a tear the last two months of the season, and who’ll be leading off on Opening Day. He poised for a breakout season at age 25.

Hopes are also high for 21-year old starter Yovani Gallardo, who did quite well in his debut last year. Gallardo has been lights-out at every level, and should be ready to take on a full workload this year, despite his tender age. He’s got a fastball in the mid-90s and a big curveball in the 70s, and in September of last year, he put together a 21-inning scoreless streak with the big league club. He’ll likely be joined in the starting rotation by another young hurler, Carlos Villanueva, giving Milwaukee’s rotation a youthful new look.

Finally, 30-year old Ben Sheets is healthy and ready to have a good year, after a few seasons sprinkled with injuries. He’s in the last year of his contract and would no doubt like to prove himself worthy of big money; if he stays healthy, that shouldn’t be a problem. Over the past three years, he hasn’t pitched more than 156.2 innings per season, but his K/BB rate and his ERA have been decent over that span. Plus, the last time he was in a contract year, he pitched 237 innings with a 2.70 ERA and a ridiculous 237 strikeouts. If he can get even a little close to those numbers again, the Brewers will have a formidable 1-2 punch at the top of their rotation.

Yet despite all the good news, there are still some lingering concerns and question marks heading into camp.

The Brewers landed Gabe Kapler this winter, who is making a return to the majors after a year spent managing Boston’s Single-A club, the Greenville (SC) Drive. This upped the team’s already high dreaminess quotient considerably, and, more to the point, gives them the extra outfielder they need. Their preferred starting CF, Gold Glover Mike Cameron, starting the year serving a 25-game suspension after testing positive for a banned stimulant after last season, his second failed test. In his absence, centerfield will be staffed by Tony Gwynn Jr and Gabe Gross. Corey Hart platooned in right field last year, but Brewers brass seems to be going into Spring Training thinking of him as an everyday guy. Once Cameron returns, however, the Brewers will have six outfielders. Someone will have to go to the minors, or become trade bait.

But the outfield is just one issue still facing the Brewers. The bigger question is the bullpen. New closer Eric Gagne showed up in the Mitchell Report, and has yet to publicly comment on it; but, more alarmingly from the point of view of those paying him $10 million, he has yet to show he can still be an effective pitcher. With the Rangers last year, Gagne seemed to hold is own; but with the Red Sox, he fell so completely apart that he almost single-handedly cost them the division title. If Gagne goes back on the roids miraculously improves, Milwaukee’s expensive gamble will look canny. If he stays true to form, however, they’ll have made a very expensive, all-too-predictable mistake.

GM Doug Melvin also traded for reliever Guillermo Mota this offseason, who served a 50-game ban last year for failing a steroid test, and Salomon Torres, as well as signing free agents Randy Choate and David Riske (which has always seemed, to me, like a terrible last name for relief pitcher). None of those guys is going to cause dancing in the streets of Milwaukee. Unfortunately, try though Melvin might, there’s just no way to replace a set-up-man and closer combo of Scott Linebrink and Francisco Cordero—and no way for the Brewers to keep both of them. But despite the criticism of Linebrink’s four-year deal with the White Sox, $4.75 million a year isn’t that much for a set-up man. I admit that four years is a long time to commit to a reliever, and that the fact that Linebrink has a no-trade clause is preposterous, but despite talk of his “decline,” he’s still only 31. Couldn’t the Brewers have scooped him up for a lesser deal before other teams were allowed to negotiate with him? It’s not like they’re a tiny market team; their payroll is just shy of $80 million a year.

Looking ahead, their best prospect is another Fielder/Braun type named Matt LaPorta, another masher with no defense. But with Fielder at first base and Braun now in left field, the Brewers are running out of places to stash these guys. If I were the Brewers, once LaPorta has more professional games under his belt, I might find an AL team looking for a young DH and try to make a trade.

Projected Lineup, Rotation, and Closer

1. 2B Rickie Weeks - 16 HR, .374 OBP
2. SS J.J. Hardy - 26 HR, 30 2B, .277 AVG
3. 1B Prince Fielder - 50 HR, 1.013 OPS
4. LF Ryan Braun - 34 HR, .370 OBP
5. RF Corey Hart - 24 HR, .298 AVG
6. 3B Bill Hall - 14 HR, 35 2B, .254 AVG
7. CF Mike Cameron - 21 HR, .328 OBP
8. C Jason Kendall - .301 OBP, .309 SLG

SP1 Ben Sheets, 3.82 ERA, .253 BAA
SP2 Yovani Gallardo, 3.67 ERA, 1.27 WHIP
SP3 Carlos Villanueva, 3.95 ERA, .236 BAA
SP4 Jeff Suppan, 4.62 ERA
SP5 Dave Bush/Chris Capuano/Claudio Vargas/Manny Parra

CL: Eric Gagne

Acquisitions: Mike Cameron (CF), Eric Gagne (RP), Jason Kendall (C), David Riske (RP), Guillermo Mota (RP), Salomon Torres (RP), Gabe Kapler (OF)

Losses: Francisco Cordero (RP), Geoff Jenkins (LF), Scott Linebrink (RP), Matt Wise (RP), Johnny Estrada, (C).

Grade:B+

The Brewers will score runs with their speed and power, and their starting rotation looks solid. They’ll have several guys competing for the starters’ slots in camp, including lefty prospect Manny Parra. Shifting Braun to left field and Bill Hall to third base, and acquiring Cameron, should give the Brewers’ defense a needed boost. There’s been some disagreement about the deal for catcher Jason Kendall, but he moved back towards his career averages in the second half of last season. I see upside there. However, I have to dock the Brewers some points for gambling money they can’t afford to waste on Gagne. I suppose someone was going to sign him, but I can’t believe he commanded 10 million dollars. Were they out-bidding some other team?? Plus, I can’t help but notice that not only have they signed three guys with PED problems, but their farm system is no cleaner: of their top five prospects, one’s been slapped with a 50-game suspension for using PEDs, and another has been caught smoking pot multiple times. And then there’s the way they picked up Manager Ned Yost’s contract option, but forgot to announce it. Despite their decent offseason, it just feels like the Brewers don’t quite have their house in order.

But the bottom line is that the Brewers are a young club that, last year, broke a 15-year streak of sub-.500 seasons, broke a franchise home run record, and broke the Brewers’ attendance record. They’ve got solid pitching and great offensive ability. Their greatest weakness last year was their horrible defense, which they have addressed this winter about as well as could be hoped. This year, if a few of their pitching gambles work out, they could definitely make the playoffs.

- Hot Offseason Action Index -

1. Jim Rice is the 21st player to win over 70% of votes in the Hall of Fame balloting but fall short of the 75% needed for election. The other 20 players have all ended up in Cooperstown. (Bugs and Cranks has a great rant on the caprice of BBWAA members and the mysterious rise—and occasional fall—of HOF-eligible players’ vote totals.) Rice has the support of this year’s only inductee, Goose Gossage: “I think Jim Rice does belong in the Hall of Fame. No hitter scared me, but Jim Rice came the closest.” As for Nick’s contention that Rice has no place in the Hall, I clearly disagree. But Nick’s post has convinced me that Dwight Evans belongs in Cooperstown as well, something I was on the fence about previously. Come on, Veterans Comittee!

2. What with all the Roger Clemens coverage, the NFL playoffs, and this little election-thingy going on right now, you might have missed this story, but the new Yankee Stadium is going to cost New York taxpayers a pretty penny—including $70 million for free VIP valet parking. Even more irksome to New Yorkers, while the poobahs will get 40 years of parking courtesy of the taxpayers, Joe Yankeefan will still have to pay out of his own pocket. That’s preposterous. However, I must throw cold water on the notion that fans are being gouged by a rate increase from $14 to $17 this year, and again to $19 at the new stadium in 2009, and up to $35 bucks by 2014. Most of the parking at Fenway is already at least $30. Yankee fans, suck it up.

3. After a successful workout for several teams in LA and offers from “three or four” clubs, Gabe Kapler has chosen to play for the Brewers next year. He’ll get 800k. Kapler managed Boston’s Single A affiliate last year to an uninspiring record of 58-81.

“Gabe brings versatility and athleticism to the outfield position,” said Brewers GM Doug Melvin. “He has always been a great teammate and possesses the determination to bounce back and become a valuable player to our club.”

This also elevates the already impressive hotness quotient of the Milwaukee Brewers, who field such eye candy as dreamy-eyed third baseman Ryan Braun and cutie-patootie Prince Fielder.

4. Also in the former-Red-Sox-making-a-comeback category, MLBTradeRumors reports that at least the Diamondbacks will be watching as Keith Foulke throws later this month. As for the idea that Foulke “may have special interest in” the Red Sox, I can guarantee right now that the Red Sox will not have any interest, special or otherwise, in Keith Foulke, who is (perhaps unfairly) less remembered for being part of the 2004 championship team than for being the perennially injured and ineffective closer of ‘05 and ‘06, speaking dismissively of Red Sox fans as “Johnny from Burger King” types that meant nothing to him, licking his World Series ring with groupies, and for (allegedly) sleeping with one of the Red Sox ball girls, (allegedly) in the clubhouse no less, and (allegedly) getting caught in flagrante delicto by Dawn Timlin, who (allegedly) promptly told Mrs. Foulke, who (most definitely) demanded a divorce.

5. Just to go back to the Hall of Fame for a minute, I would like to personally apologize to Goose Gossage. No, I don’t have a Hall of Fame vote. But I do have an Unfortunate Facial Hair vote. And there is absolutely no excuse for me to have overlooked Goose’s contributions in the field of facial hair when I wrote this retrospective of the fu manchu. Clearly, Gossage had a historic impact on the place of the distinctive moustache in baseball lore, and I was remiss not to formally recognize this sooner. I’m sure Goose will be as thrilled to be included in our UFH category as he is to be elected into Cooperstown. “It was very emotional I’ll tell you, off the charts. I can’t describe the feeling.” Yes, Goose, I’m sure. Only the lucky and the few get such recognition. But are you sure you really can’t describe how it felt? “A shock wave went through my body like an anvil just fell on my head.” On second thought, I think maybe calling it indescribable was fine.