Sunday night is a bittersweet time. You’re all nice and relaxed from the weekend…but then…what’s that noise?! Did you hear something lurking in the shadows? GAAAH! It’s MONDAY MORNING! RUUUNNN!!! So here’s a few links to lull you back into a false sense of security:

Fire Brand of the American League on the Roy Oswalt - to - Boston - at - the - deadline rumors.

The Kansas City Star on all the stuff you can get with a Royals ticket stub (warning: you may need an Excel spreadsheet to keep track of it all).

The Bleacher Report on what the Rangers could do to become contenders—this season.

The Other Fifteen made a heat map to compare Tulo’s range with Jeter’s. Guess who wins!

View from the Cheap Seats is piiiiiiiissed at Tony LaRussa for letting Adam Wainwright chuck 130 pitches when he’s the Cards’ only good, healthy starter. Viva El Birdos is also concerned.

Phil Hughes lets Morgan Ensberg guest blog. The results are sort of like a Jackson Pollock painting.

Keith Law went to a wedding. The DJ played “Sweet Caroline”….and paused for the fans guests to shout BAHM BAHM BAAAHM and SO GOOD! SO GOOD! SO GOOD! How odd.

River Ave Blues gulps and delivers the bad news: Jorge Posada’s shoulder is still not better. Will the Yanks have to bite the bullet and get a backup for their backup? Doug Mirabelli’s available… (DOUGIE’S GOING DEEP!)

Baseball Prospectus on just how insane Cliff Lee has been to start the season.

High Cheese notes that Tom Gorzelanny’s bobblehead is making an obscene gesture.

And finally, Sox and Dawgs has the latest crop of Red Sox charity wines. Last year, we had Schilling Schardonnay, Caberknuckle, and my personal favorite, Manny Being Merlot. I was hoping the Sox would branch out into beer and hard liquor (“Coco’s Crisp IPA: Packed with good hops” or “Varitek Vodka: Intangibly Smooth”) but no such luck. This year’s puns are Sauvignyoouuk (witty), Captain’s Cabernet (yawn), and Vintage Papi (super-yawn). I’m disappointed, quite frankly. What about the Papi Pinot I requested? The Matsu-sake?! Pedroia’s Petite Sirah? Buchholztraminer?!?

What else should I be reading? Email me!

This is one of a series of posts in which we throw feces at each team’s ineffectual attempts to improve and daub them with rosewater in those areas where they have managed to do so.

What is there to say about the Rangers this year? They’re clearly going to come in last—again—in an already weak division. (A division that only has four teams. Lame!) I can barely muster up the spleen required to rip them. So much for “in-your-face baseball commentary.” But let’s give it a shot anyway—after all, this may be the one post UmpBump writes about the Rangers all year. (At least until Milton Bradley acts up again.) To add interest to this fairly lackluster team, I will rely on an old writerly device: the exclamation point!

So I looked at the projected lineup of the Texas Rangers (below) one thing really stands out: only two players played 130 games or more last season, and only four topped 100 games! And when I looked at their starting rotation, I noticed that no pitcher on the list has an ERA of under 4.50!

Oof!

Texas is fielding quite a motley crew this season. Michael Young, arguably the only shortstop worse defensively than Derek Jeter! Josh Hamilton, who recovered from his crack addiction by finding Jesus! Milton Bradley, last seen causing himself a season-ending injury by trying to attack an umpire! Jarrod Saltalamacchia, who married his high school teacher!

Nonetheless, if I can set aside the ennui these Rangers induce in me, I have to admit there are some pretty interesting players on this team. Hamilton, for instance. In a recent article discussing Hamilton and Bradley, Jerry Crasnick writes:

At Rangers camp in Surprise, [Arizona,] they’re getting a crash course in what the fuss was all about. Hamilton hits high, majestic drives over the fence in batting practice, and his teammates strain for superlatives.

“We haven’t had any shortage of offensive monsters since I’ve been here,” says Michael Young, ticking off the names of Alex Rodriguez, Alfonso Soriano, Carlos Lee and Juan Gonzalez, among others. “But I think they might all take a backseat to this guy in batting practice. When you’re hitting balls to the opposite field off the top of the clubhouse, it’s just silly.”

His fellow Rangers attest that the ball even sounds different as it comes off Hamilton’s bat.

“I’ve never seen anyone as gifted as him,” Texas second baseman Ian Kinsler says. “He was born to play this game.”

Well, at least he should be fun to watch! And of course, Saltalamacchia will be getting his first full season in the bigs. That will be nice. And the aforementioned Milton is sure to entertain—for better or for worse!

Acquisitions: Milton Bradley LF, Kazuo Fukumori RP, Eddie Guardado RP, Jason Jennings SP, Chris Shelton 1B, Ben Broussard 1B, Josh Hamilton CF

Losses: Brad Wilkerson RF, Edinson Volquez SP, Freddy Guzman CF, Armando Galarraga SP, Sammy Sosa DH, Jerry Hairston Jr. CF

Projected Lineup, Rotation, and Closer:

SS Michael Young .315 AVG, .366 OBP, 9 HR, 156 games
3B Hank Blalock .293 AVG, .358 OBP, 10 HR, 58 games
CF Josh Hamilton, .292 AVG, .368 OBP, 19 HR, 90 games
LF Marlon Byrd .307 AVG, .355 OBP, 10 HR, 109 games
C Jarrod Saltalamacchia .251 AVG, .290 OBP, 7 HR, in 46 games
RF Milton Bradley, .306 BA, .402 OBP, 2 HR, 61 games
1B Ben Broussard, .275 AVG, .330 OBP, 7 HR, 99 games
2B Ian Kinsler .263 AVG, .355 OBP, 20 HR, 130 games
DH Frank Catalanotto .260 AVG, .337 OBP, 11 HR, 103 games

SP1 Kevin Millwood, 172.2 IP, 5.16 ERA
SP2 Vicente Padilla, 120.1 IP, 5.76 ERA
SP3 Jason Jennings, 99 IP, 6.45 ERA
SP4 Brandon McCarthy, 101.2 IP, 4.87 ERA
SP5 Kason Gabbard, 81.3 IP, 4.65 ERA

CL C.J. Wilson, 3.03 ERA, 1.22 WHIP (Though it could be Eddie Guardado by the time spring training is over.)

Grade: C

The best that can be said for the Rangers is that they seemed to finally admit, last season, that they weren’t going to win any time soon. They moved Mark Teixeira and Eric Gagne for prospects, and their farm system now looks better than most. 2008 is a throwaway year for the Rangers, but check back in 2010—if they haven’t done anything stupid, they could be contending by then! You never know! And as Nick so wisely said, “It’s not like they are the Pirates!”

-Hot Offseason Action Index!-

C.J. Wilson has gone and pissed off his teammates. It turns out they don’t like being depicted as ignorant and selfish. Now how was he supposed to know that?

Wilson started by giving a quote to ESPN’s Jeff Pearlman, who was writing a story about why baseball players don’t care about the 2008 presidential election.

Pearlman’s thesis: “…while ballplayers are bound both by their disparate backgrounds and an uncompromised love of the game, they are also united by one not-so-great characteristic: political indiference.”

Wilson is the exception to this rule. He does care about politics. And he’s bummed that none of his teammates do.

“It’s frustrating,” says C.J. Wilson, the 27-year-old Texas relief pitcher. “I’d say there are two reasons. One, there’s a general lack of education among us. But two — and most important — you’re talking about a population that makes a ton of money, so the ups and downs of the economy don’t impact whether we’re getting paid. Therefore, we often don’t care.”

In saying “we,” Wilson is speaking about nearly every Ranger — except himself. A free-thinking Californian with an appreciation for Obama, a dislike of Bush, a hatred of the Clintons, a detestation of SUVs, and a longing for a grass-roots political movement that would truly represent the needs of the people, Wilson stares blankly when asked who among his teammates he can talk with about Decision ‘08.

“No one,” he says. “I keep it to myself.”

Predictably, Pearlman’s story and in particular Wilson’s comments rubbed some people the wrong way. Rangers pitcher Brandon McCarthy responded by posting a long comment on the Rangers blog Lone Star Ball, saying, “I’d be willing to bet that come late summer and early fall when the race really heats up, that there will be political conversation to be found in MLB clubhouses.”

This is about the time where Wilson decided he couldn’t leave well enough alone. Instead of just letting the story fade away, he praised McCarthy’s comment and added:

Come on man you have to admit the median or average guy in a baseball clubhouse does drive an SUV, drinks beer, golfs, likes college sports, chews or dips tobacco and is relatively a douchebag.

I’m guessing it was the douchebag label that was the final straw for his teammates. And so today we have a story in the Dallas Morning News where Michael Young tells us he “had a very direct talk with (Wilson).”

All of this hubbub got me thinking, who is this C.J. Wilson? Who is this misunderstood character who only wants a sounding board for his personal political opinions?

Let’s go to the series of tubes to find out.

From C.J.’s blog:

Texas Rangers relief pitcher, uses blue glove against advice of most peers and fearlessly wilts lefties and righties with fastballs/sliders/curveballs/gyros/ cutters/changeups/forkballs.

…

Hobbies:

Guitar, Writing, Film, Traveling, Surfing, Auto Racing, Cycling, Martial Arts, Cooking.

That’s all cool stuff. Gotta respect a guy who’s into both auto racing and martial arts.

From C.J.’s Wikipedia page:

C.J. is a devoted Taoist and also adheres to a “Straight Edge” way of life (in which one abstains from alcohol, illegal drugs, and promiscuous sex in order to maintain a healthy and poison-free body). As a sign of his choice and pride of being Straight Edge, C.J. has the words “Straight Edge” tattooed along the length of his torso, Japanese characters on his shoulder that read “Poison Free” and “XXX” stitched on his glove as a straight edge symbol.

Dude. I mean, like … dude!

Here are some photos of Wilson, because while Wikipedia pages and blogs are awesome, you know how many words they say a picture is worth (answer: EXTREME number of words!).

This picture is two years old. CJ, it appears, is a big fan of driving fast. And making silly faces.

This is a CJ self portrait, which I imagine was taken with the aid of a web cam. Here he’s showing off his “new mohawk mullet haircut thing.” The verdict? Tubular.

CJ playing cricket in England. They teach him a new game, he teaches them about the soul patch. Seems like a fair trade to me.

CJ takes the soul patch to Italy. The soul patch, in turn, begins to take control of his brain. Which maybe explains the whole calling the average ballplayer a “douchebag” thing.

The Seattle Mariners - Erik Bedard

The good folks over at the USS Mariner wrote a post this week suggesting that the Mariners’ pursuit of Erik Bedard is foolhardy and what they actually need is more offense, not more pitching.

But I disagree.

The Mariners actually had the sixth highest OPS in the American League last season, behind only the Yankees, Red Sox, Indians, Tigers, and Devil Rays - all teams full of real mashers. Four of those five teams were legitimate playoff contenders, and the Rays would have been if they had had even league average starting pitching.

No, what was really the Mariners’ downfall last season was pitching, specifically starting pitching. The Mariners were 10th out of 14 AL teams in ERA last season, and even that mark was only that high thanks to a passable showing by the bullpen - the Mariners starting pitchers were actually 12th out of 14 in ERA, ahead of only the execrable Baltimore and Tampa Bay squads.

What the M’s really need is starters who can put up quality innings, and replacing Horacio Ramirez and his 7.16 ERA with Erik Bedard and his 3.16 ERA would go far toward addressing this need.

Anaheim Angels of Anaheim - A power hitter

The Endless Quest Continues. The Angels have been searching for a legitimate power hitter to pair with Vlad Guerrero for years now - the piece which many feel is the only thing keeping them from another World Series title. Last year they threw offers at everyone they could, but the best they could come up with was Gary Matthews, Jr. This year they chased hard after Miguel Cabrerra, only to have the Tigers pull the rug out, and then panicked and overpaid for Torii Hunter despite already having 5 other Major League quality outfielders on the roster. Hunter does have a bit of power, but he’s not really quite the piece the Angels were looking for, and they continue to search for better options such as exploring a trade for Paul Konerko.

Ultimately, the answer may come from within if Juan Rivera can return to his 2006 form after battling through a broken leg last year, or if Casey Kotchman continues to blossom at the plate. But even without that power hitter they are still questing after, the Angels are otherwise totally stacked up and down the lineup, in the rotation, and in the bullpen, and should continue to dominate the AL West standings for years to come.

Oakland A’s - Takers for Joe Blanton and Huston Street

It wouldn’t really be fair to evaluate Billy Beane on what he’s not trying to do, which is win this year, so I’m going to evaluate him on what he obviously is trying to do, which is build a team which can contend in 2010, having already shipped out Dan Haren, Nick Swisher, and Mark Kotsay. So with that in mind, what the A’s need to do is find teams who are willing to overpay for middle-of-the-road starter Joe Blanton and upper-tier closer Huston Street.

Waiting until 2010, or perhaps more realistically 2011, is going to eat up the prime years of Blanton and Street, so even though they are cheap there is no real reason to keep them around if Beane can swing a trade on a down year for free agents while their value is uber-high due to how cheap they are and how many years away from free agency they are.

Some commentators (including myself), have wondered if Beane couldn’t have gotten a bit more for Haren and/or Swisher, but in any case if Beane can move Blanton and Street for some more high-grade prospects, he is going to have a truly monstrous stash of talented young players set to be ready for the big time by 2010 or 2011.

Texas Rangers - Surprise, Surprise, Starting Pitching

It seems like the Texas Rangers have been in desperate need of some real starting pitchers since the formation of the Earth. Yeah, I know there wasn’t technically any baseball back then, but even so the Rangers somehow still found a way to be last in the league in ERA.

This team has a lot of other holes, but there is nothing like the black hole that is the starting staff, a black hole which seems to grow bigger every year. I almost didn’t have to look, but I did anyway, and sure enough, the Rangers’ starting staff was dead last in the American League with a horrific 5.50 ERA last season (even worse than the Devil Rays!), and the team has done absolutely nothing to address this need.

This year, the Rangers will run out the exact same staff that compiled that record last season. Just to give you an idea, Brandon McCarthy led all Rangers starters with a 4.87 ERA. Ooof.

In 2003, his last season with Texas, Alex Rodriguez led the American League in home runs, runs scored, and slugging percentage, and won his second consecutive Gold Glove Award.

Rodriguez also became only the second player to win an MVP award while playing for a last place team. Who was the first?

This week’s Metro column, in which I parse the Gagne-to-Boston deal for hidden significance. Did Boston or Texas come out on top? I report. You decide.

For what it’s worth, the more I think about it, the more I’m impressed with the Rangers’ handling of this trade deadline. Some of the pieces they had acquired earlier just made no sense for them to have—and they had the stones to admit it (unlike certain other GMs, who insist on retaining the services of, say, Julio Lugo). They tried their best to move Sammy Sosa, and when they couldn’t find any takers they had the hard conversation with the former superstar and told him he’d have to sit out more games to give the younguns a chance to play. They dumped Kenny “He’s Still Around?” Lofton for decent minor league catcher Max Ramirez. And they moved two of their biggest stars–Gagne and Mark Teixeira–before they walked, leaving the Rangers with nothing. What exactly Texas got for Gagne is the subject of my column, so I won’t go into it again here. But I’m still marveling at what they got for Teixeira–though the Braves seem very happy with the deal, as their new first baseman has already has three homers and eight RBI in his first six games with Atlanta.

Nonetheless, the Rangers did a great job of getting value out of Teixeira after he turned down their contract offer. For him (and Ron Mahay, don’t forget), they got: Jarrod Saltalamacchia, a six-foot-four switch hitting catcher/first baseman; Elvis Andrus, a shortstop who, at just 18, is rumored to have more tools than Home Depot and has already been compared to Derek Jeter; Matt Harrison, a lefty starting pitcher who likes to throw hard and—even better—throw strikes; 19-year old Neftali Feliz, who admittedly has yet to make it to the minors, but still struck out 70 batters in 51 and a third innings of work. and another left-handed pitcher, Beau Jones, who hasn’t quite lived up to the lofty expectations the Braves threw at him, but has managed to keep his ERA under 3 in 48 and 2/3 innings of relief work in Single A while notching a strikeout about once per inning.

Not too shabby. And if Engel Beltre is all he’s cracked up to be, they really cleaned up on prospects…but now I’m giving away the column.

Mark Teixeira, one of the hottest names bandied about before tomorrow’s trade deadline, has just been traded. The Rangers are sending the first baseman and a lefty reliever, Rob Mahay, to the Braves. The Braves are giving up their top two prospects (and with them, any chance of reclaiming the awesome-nickname-days of yore).

Some suspected that Texas wanted to dump Teixeira because he was a chronic complainer. Nevertheless, it seems they got a lot in return. According to early reports, Atlanta sent them top-rated catching prospect Jarrod Saltalamacchia, shortstop-of-the-future Elvis Andrus, pitching prospect Matt Harrison and 19-year-old righthander Nestali Feliz. Salty (as he is known) and Elvis (Elvis!!) are the top two prospects in the Braves’ organization. Harrison is their third-ranked youngster.

Teixeira is eligible for salary arbitration after this season. He becomes a free agent at the end of next season.

I can’t decide whether the Rangers have made out like bandits, or whether the Braves got Teixeira cheap. One the one hand, all the Braves had to give up was prospects. On the other, they reportedly gave up the best three prospects they had.

Here’s the short version on Teixeira:

Teixeira, a 27-year-old switch-hitting slugger, has won two Gold Gloves at first base. He is batting .297 this season with 13 home runs and 49 RBIs. Since breaking into the majors with Texas in 2003, Teixeira has had seasons of 26, 38, 43 and 33 home runs.

Only Ralph Kiner, Albert Pujols and Eddie Mathews hit more than the 140 homers that Teixeira had in his first four major league seasons. He had at least 33 homers and 110 RBIs in each of the past three.

The former Georgia Tech star will be a huge upgrade for the Braves, who’ve slid to third in the NL East and have been using stand-ins at first this year. But was it worth ditching their top three prospects, plus this guy Feliz? Well, Saltalamacchia had nowhere to go after the Braves re-upped last year’s breakout catcher, Brian McCann, to a six-year deal. Here’s what Baseball Prospectus has to say about Salty, Elvis, and Harrison.

Elvis Andrus: Only 18, he’s “as toolsy as he is young” and “even if he’s only a speedy line-drive hitter with good glove-work, that’s still a potential All-Star, and there’s a chance he’ll be more than that.”

Jarrod Saltalamacchia: Twenty-two and six-foot-four, Salty battled a hand injury last season in Double A, but once he kicked it, hit “.338/.474/.649 in the last two months…the other good news is that he improved behind the plate, throwing out 36 percent of opposing runners.”

Matt Harrison: The 21-year old is built in the classic mode: a hulking lefty who likes to throw heat. Like Nuke LaLoosh he can hit 95, but generally works in the low 90s. Unlike Ebbie Calvin, however, he can also control where the ball is going. He “throws a ton of strikes and supplements his heat with a plus curve and change.”

I suppose it makes sense to move Saltalamacchia, if you’re confident you want to go with McCann. I mean, that’s what extraneous prospects are for, right? To use as chips. But to blow all your chips on one dude? I dunno. If the Braves miss the playoffs again this year, they may end up with buyers’ remorse.

Meanwhile, the Rangers have ended up with a young shortstop and a lefthanded starting pitcher for the future, and a catcher they could stick behind the plate tomorrow (sorry Gerald Laird). I’m going to have to give the Rangers the edge on this one. At least it looks like they have some kind of organizational philosophy. The Braves, on the other hand, still seem to be wandering in the desert.

Julio Franco is now a Brave and, if the Lower Hudson Journal News is to be believed, his former Mets teammates couldn’t be happier.

From LoHud:

However, what irked some players was Franco wouldn’t hesitate to get in the face of some of the younger players about doing their jobs when he was hitting .200 with one homer with the Mets.

“To be a leader for me, it’s not enough to talk all the time,” [Jose] Valentin said. “You have to go out and do it yourself.”

This is pretty surprising stuff. I’d never before heard anybody willing to say anything bad about Franco, but here is Valentin saying the old-timer wasn’t a great teammate (he didn’t participate in team stretching drills), while manager Willie Randolph says Franco’s contributions to the clubhouse were “overrated.”

Meanwhile, over in the AL, writers are clamoring for the Rangers to trade all-star 1B Mark Teixeira because, well, he’s a jerk.

Here’s what Dallas Morning-News writer Jean Jacques Taylor had to say about the team’s star slugger:

A few months ago, I would’ve considered the notion of trading Teixeira ridiculous because of the 27-year-old’s prodigious talent. You simply don’t get rid of 30-homer, 100-RBI players with Hall of Fame potential.

I’ve changed my mind.

It’s Teixeira’s fault because he’s a chronic complainer.

Think about it. He didn’t like playing for Buck Showalter. Now, he doesn’t like playing for Ron Washington. Those guys couldn’t be more different in their approaches.

That tells me Teixeira or his agent, Scott Boras, is the problem.

Taylor says that people around the Rangers organization will tell you that Teixeira is “the kind of guy who would complain about the greens at Augusta National or paying taxes after winning the lottery” and says Teixeira has to go — “the sooner, the better.”Here’s my take: I think it’s possible that Franco may have tried to overcompensate for a lack of hitting by being an extra good clubhouse leader, and it blew up in his face. As LoHud points out, it’s hard for people to take your advice seriously when you’re hitting below your weight.

Texeira, on the other hand, just sounds like a jerk. It should be clear by now that MLB clubhouses are overrun by arrogant, ignorant idiots. So for one guy to be so much of an ass that his team is inclined to trade him really says something. The fact that Texas has shown a willingness to trade such a young, accomplished hitter shows that he must be a first class pain.

Tonight, Sammy Sosa hit his 600th home run, joining a very select club. Sosa became only the fifth player to hit 600, along with Aaron, Bonds, Ruth and Mays.

In honor of Sammy’s milestone, ESPN.com asked their baseball “experts” to weigh in on whether or not Sosa should be in the Hall of Fame. Let’s take a look at some of their responses, and make snarky comments about each.

Enrique Rojas says YES.

So as long as Sosa isn’t found guilty of charge for violating any established rules, then his numbers should be the sole argument to consider in order to open wide for him the doors of Cooperstown.

Actually, Enrique, Sosa was found guilty of violating an established rule. Remember that whole corked bat thing? Yeah, there was a rule against that.

Steve Philips says YES.

“He has never failed a drug test. In fact, consider that Sosa did get busted for corking a bat during his playing days. Why would a player on steroids cork his bat? He wouldn’t.”

That’s interesting logic, Steve. Sosa corked his bat, so he must not have been on steroids. Honestly, where’s Harold Reynolds when we need him?

Jim Caple says YES.

At this point, it’s hard to see me not voting for him, though I can’t say I’m as enthusiastic about him as I have been about others. Not because of any steroid allegations but because his numbers were inflated by the era in which he played (unlike McGwire, who had his first monster year before the explosion in offense, when 49 home runs was still a lot).

Jim, McGwire was ahead of the curve. He started putting up monster numbers before everybody else because he started using steroids before everybody else. If you’re going to penalize Sosa for being a steroids follower instead of a steroids pioneer, that’s your business. But there are better reasons to penalize him. Like that time he went before the US Congress…

Tim Kurkjian says YES.

Sammy Sosa is a Hall of Famer. There is no definitive proof about his alleged steroid involvement, so, in the absence of hard evidence, his numbers are what we go by, and they are of Cooperstown quality.

There’s little doubt that Sosa’s numbers are Hall worthy. But when Congress asked Sosa about his drug use, he claimed he couldn’t speak English. And while that was ballsy and brilliant, if it didn’t convince you of Sosa’s guilt, then nothing short of a confession will.

Jerry Crasnick says NO.

I want the Mitchell investigation and the surrounding uncertainty to play out before I commit to players with red flags.

That’s a little wishy washy for my tastes, but since Crasnick’s the only ESPN talking head who says he wouldn’t vote for Sosa, I’ll cut him some slack. Congrats, Jerry, on being the only ESPN baseball guy with principles.

Last winter ESPN surveyed Hall of Fame voters and found that only 20.4 percent would have voted for Sammy Sosa if he’d been eligible. Since then, Sosa has hit 12 home runs. Apparently, that was enough to change some peoples’ minds. Did it change yours?