Jacoby Ellsbury has been suffering from an “aggravated groin” (Fenway West). The other night at the ballpark, my friend asked me, “An aggravated groin? What’s an aggravated groin? How did he get an aggravated groin?” I replied, “I’ll have to get on that.” What I meant, was, I’ll have to figure that out. Badump-CHING! Tacoby Bellsbury should be back in the lineup tonight.

With Noah Lowry on the DL and Barry Zito headed to the pen, talk of a six-man rotation in San Francisco has died down. This pleases me, because six-man rotations are one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard of. Teams already have a tough enough time finding five decent starters, and as it is, the fifth slot on most teams is something of a revolving door. And the idea of a 25-man roster consisting of perhaps 13 pitchers is equally disgusting. But as Giants Win notes, the larger concern for the San Fran squad may be their utter and complete lack of offense—on pace to score fewer runs than a dead ball era team. Oh my God.

I, like many, thought Phil Hughes’ “oblique strain” was code for “needs to go work out his suckage in the minors.” But now they’re saying it’s a stress fracture in one of his ribs. Hughes says he has “no idea” how he got it. But how do you fracture a rib and not realize it? Given that he also suffered a strained hamstring and a sprained ankle last year, NYY fans have to be hoping this is nothing more than a run of bad luck. But on Bronx Banter, it sounds like hope (not to mention patience) is running out.

Lone Star Ball gives Mindy McCready’s dad an Inigo Montoya Award. Any cross-pollination between baseball and The Princess Bride is always appreciated.

I like the Brewers. I have three of them on my fantasy team. I picked them to upset the Cubs for the NL Central title. But I don’t see how they’re going to do that without Ben Sheets. His first three starts filled me with hope. His subsequent triceps strain, despair. Now I don’t know what to think. Fortunately, I have the Hardball Times and pitch FX to tell me what’s what. Unfortunately, they also think the triceps tightness could be related to a rotator cuff issue. Nooooooooooooooo…..

Did you see Frank Thomas hit that triple a few days back? Did you wonder, whoah, when does Frank Thomas hit a triple? So did MopUpDuty. My favorite nugget from this post: Mark McGwire had only 6 triples in his entire career.

This week’s Metro column, on why the Rays are for real, but the other April surprise in the AL East, the Orioles, are not.

And finally, the Nats have a song. So Bugs and Cranks came up with hilarious ditties for all the other teams, too! I will now joyfully sing along to the new, awesome, Red Sox fan song:

We’re rawkous (raucous!) for the Red Sox!
We’re rawkous for the Red Sox!
We’re crazy and we’re awesome, brah!
We’re rawkous for the Red Sox!

Sully and Fitzy and Paddy Go Bragh
We’ll cut yer fuckin’ face if you look at us wrong!
So let’s go Nation of Red Sox fans!
Let’s throw some pizza in the stands!

Let’s go Red Sox!

As the lyrics of Jonathan Papelbon’s warm-up song (that *Dropkick Murphys tune from The Departed) sort of sound to me like, “I’m a sailor BRAAAAAH! And I lost my BRAAAAAH!”, I’m happy to see the emphatic syllable making the rounds in other Sox-related shanties.

*The lyrics were actually penned by Woody Guthrie. The real lyrics are, “I’m a sailor peg and I lost my leg.” The leg part, I get—but peg? Is that like, “I’m a sailor, Peg” (as if to his girlfriend, Peggy)? Inquiring minds want to know.

Jay Dieffenbach of the Arizona Republic has an interesting piece on the young season’s surprising and disappointing teams.

The calendar flips into May this week, and with that, the baseball season moves from “it’s early” to “maybe that’s how good they’re going to be.”

After running through a few hot and cold teams, he asks:

…does anyone believe that this is the season the Tampa Bay Rays finish at .500 or better?

[Raises hand, and right eyebrow.] Um, I do.

Why not? Their best slugger had 46 homers last year. That was more than anyone else in the AL East, save A-Rod. Their best pitcher led the league in K’s. And that was last year, when they lost more games than any other team in MLB. This year, they’ve still got those guys—Carlos Pena and Scott Kazmir—though Kazmir has yet to join the big-league club this year. But even without their ace, the Rays already have the second-best ERA in the American League and they’re tied for first in batting average allowed. And frankly, I don’t think it’s a fluke. The Red Sox came into the Trop this weekend with the hottest offense in baseball: three of the top five batting averages in the AL belonged to Boston hitters, and the Sox had scored an average of 6.4 runs per game in their last two series. Boston leads the league in runs scored, OBP, and total bases. Yet the Tampa Bay pitchers limited the juggernaut to a measly five runs over three games.

The Rays swept Boston and now sit atop the AL East standings. Will they still be there in September? I don’t think so. But they’re 10 and 6 in the division so far. They’ve got the AL East’s best run differential, with 17 more runs scored than allowed, and they’ve got their pitchers to thank for it—not just their young starters, but their stingy bullpen as well. I can’t remember a Tampa Bay team with pitchers like this. And when throw in hitters like Pena, BJ Upton, Carl Crawford, and the hotly anticipated Evan Longoria, you know they’re going to score some runs, too.

So maybe this is how good they’re going to be. The rest of the AL East had better pick up the pace.

I’m putting the Devil back in the Devil Rays after last night’s bench-clearing brawl. The Red Sox and Rays have come to fisticuffs numerous times over the years, and now it seems that Tampa Bay is determined to rumble with the other big dogs in the AL East, the New York Yankees. Hey, if you can’t join ‘em, beat ‘em, right?

Controversy erupted when the teams last played each other, when a Rays prospect bowled over a young Yankee catcher at home plate, breaking his wrist. Yankee fans were miffed and Joe Girardi was “disheartened.” Tampa Bay fans responded with indignation, Rays advisor Don Zimmer with dismay. But this time, with Shelley Duncan sparking the fight by attempting to cleat 2B Aknori Iwamura in the crotch, it seems like pretty much all the Yankees blogs agree that Duncan was out of order. (If you’ve read one that defends him, post the link in the comments section.) And Yankees Chick reminds us that Duncan’s “intensity” was premeditated. It’s one thing to break a man’s wrist. It’s quite another to target his family jewels.

DRaysBay has the video and offers Duncan some free advice: “Mr. Duncan, next time you want to tango, make sure the other team doesn’t have a semi-deranged part-time wrestler on the field at the same time, okay?” And Rays Index has the definitive list of links for your post-brawl required reading, including a reenactment with an A.J. Pierzynski bobblehead.

Duncan’s testicle-threatening slide was classless and unnecessary—the Yankees had already plunked highly touted Tampa Bay prospect Evan Longoria with a pitch, thus evening the score between the teams (the pitcher was ejected). Duncan’s attempt to spike Iwamura only re-started the whole mess. Nonetheless, we did get to see our first brawl of the year as a result. And I, for one, always enjoy a good brawl. So does fellow UmpBumper Nick Kapur, as recorded in this recent exchange:

Me: Baseball fights are wonderful. I love watching these highly paid, grown men run out of the dugout just to mill around in angry fashion.

Nick: Baseball fights are great because people have so far to run. Those relievers have to charge all the way in from the bullpens! Baseball fights are actually better live.

Me: Yeah, and the crowd is all, “RAAAAAH! BOOOO! RAAAAH!”

Nick: And it’s funny to see all the players charging toward the mound from all over the park, like a star collapsing in on itself, then gradually cooling into a neutron star.

Me: And when do you ever see the coach get thrown out in other sports? I love to see the manager get tossed. He starts yelling, gets all red in the face. He’s shouting at the ump, who is also usually really old. When do you get to see two old men fight like that if not in baseball?

Nick: Yeah, there is nothing like a fat, old, white baseball manager waddling/running out from the dugout in a rage.

Me: Glorious.

UmpBumpers, what’s your favorite part of a baseball brawl?

This is one of a series of posts in which we grade each team’s wily hot stove maneuvers and tragic offseason blunders.

This should be the first year the Rays officially become a “trendy pick” to reach the playoffs. Of course, they won’t make the playoffs. But it will be trendy to pick them, nonetheless.

Moreover, the Rays are a feel good pick. They’re so…unthreatening. They’re all young, and they like to run and some of them have fun names like Rocco, and they leave cute voice mail messages, like “you dead, dawg.”

So I think we’re all pulling for the Rays this year, even if they still have a ways to go before they can seriously challenge the Sox and the Yankees.

The Rays entered the offseason with one glaring need: pitching. And they addressed it. Tampa’s team ERA last season was 5.53, so GM Andrew Friedman traded last year’s Rookie of the Year runner-up Delmon Young to the Twins for SP Matt Garza, who should serve as an able number three starter, behind ace Scott Kazmir and up-and-comer James Shields, who the Rays just signed to a four year extension. Everyone knows Kazmir is a strikeout machine, but Shields is the real deal, too, posting a sub-4 ERA and 1.11 WHIP in 2007. The remaining two SP spots will be filled out by two from the group of Andy Sonnanstine, Edwin Jackson, Jeff Niemann, Jason Hammel or J.P. Howell.

The Rays also addressed their bullpen, signing Troy Percival to a two year deal. He’ll be the team’s closer, while Al Reyes, who came out of nowhere last year to post solid numbers, will be the set-up man. Dan Wheeler will also provide a proven bullpen arm.

On the offensive side, the Rays added Cliff Floyd, who will play a little right field, and a little DH, and generally mentor the kidos. By trading Delmon Young, the Rays lost a promising young player. But they also lost a guy who’s rock-bottom OBP was a drain on the team last season. He’ll be replaced by a rotation of Cliff Floyd/Rocco Baldelli/Jonny Gomes. If Baldelli is healthy, he’s going to emerge as the permanent RF. But as we’ve learned over the years, a healthy Rocco is not a given.

Jason Bartlett will man short this season, but probably not next season. He’s just a place-holder until Reid Brignac is ready, probably in 2009. Here’s what ESPN’s Sean McAdam has to say about the other Rays’ infieders:

Evan Longoria, the team’s top pick in 2006, is expected to be the starting third baseman, though he may not open the season there. When he arrives, Akinori Iwamura will shift to second base. Expect more young pitchers to arrive, including Jeff Niemann and, eventually, David Price, the No. 1 overall pick in this year’s draft.

Obviously, the best is yet to come for the Rays, and it’s coming from the team’s farm system and it’s coming soon. The worst? That’s already gone. The Rays sent troubled OF Elijah Dukes to the Nationals for a 20 year-old southpaw starter named Glenn Gibson, who probably won’t contribute this season. But the karma benefits of a Dukes-less team should help the Rays in 2008.

Acquisitions: Cliff Floyd, Troy Percival, Matt Garza, Jason Bartlett, Willy Aybar, Eduardo Morlan

Losses: Delmon Young, Elijah Dukes, Brendan Harris, Casey Fossum, Jae Seo

Projected Lineup and Rotation:
C - Dioner Navarro
1B - Carlos Pena
2B - Akinori Iwamura
SS - Jason Bartlett
3B - Evan Longoria
LF - Carl Crawford
CF - B.J. Upton
RF - Cliff Floyd/Rocco Baldelli/Jonny Gomes
DH - Cliff Floyd/Rocco Baldelli/Jonny Gomes

SP - Scott Kazmir
SP - Jamie Shields
SP - Matt Garza
SP - Andy Sonnanstine/Edwin Jackson/Jeff Niemann/Jason Hammel/J.P. Howell
SP - Andy Sonnanstine/Edwin Jackson/Jeff Niemann/Jason Hammel/J.P. Howell

Setup: Al Reyes
Closer: Troy Percival

Offseason Grade: B

This isn’t the year the Rays win the East. But next year could be. And in general the future is very bright. Tampa Bay has the best farm system in baseball. And, this summer, they again have the number one pick in the amateur draft.

- Hot Offseason Action Index -

Tampa Bay _____ Rays - Hoary wisdom

The Tampa Bay Rays have been quietly improving under the radar over the past couple of years. 2007 saw a couple of things bounce their way—finally—mostly thanks to the breakout year had by Carlos Pena. The one thing they have always really lacked is starting pitching, which should be less of a problem next year. So what do they still need to put them over the top? First, a solid bullpen, at least to save poor Scott Kazmir’s sanity. And second, veteran leadership. Sure, it’s great to have a lot of young talent and get excited about what they could do. But you need to have at least one guy in the clubhouse who can do the Crash Davis thing when necessary. Isn’t Tony Clark still available?

Baltimore Orioles - Cloning technology

The Baltimore Orioles are already a step ahead of last year, since at least they seem to have approached this hot stove season with something approaching a strategy. The O’s now need to keep dumping salary wherever and whenever they can; to move Erik Bedard before his value deteriorates; and to acquire other teams’ prospects willy-nilly. And wherever Nick Markakis came from, they need more of that.

Toronto Blue Jays - Medical breakthroughs

Speaking of Bedard, boy could the Jays use him. Their pitching staff—and in fact, most of their roster—is the definition of mediocre. Last year, they looked pretty good on paper, before their roster imploded with injuries. But this year, I look at their team and don’t see a lot of upside (newly acquired Scott Rolen is no exception). Add a pitcher? Add a big bat? Sure. Add anything. Add something. At least let the current crop of big-salary-middle-of-the-road types play out their contracts while you get a farm system in order. But considering last year’s season, maybe the one thing Toronto should add if they want to make the playoffs is some really, really good team doctors.

New York Yankees - A scary starting pitcher, or, failing that, a healthy one

In October, the Yankees folded primarily because of limited starting pitching (well, that and A-Rod’s Octoberitis and Derek Jeter’s sudden propensity for hitting into double plays). Now January is half over and the New York Yankees still need solid starting pitching. Chien-Ming Wang anchored their rotation this year, winning 19 games and barely missing the 200 innings mark. Pettitte will return as No. 2, coming off a 15-win, 200+ innings season. However, Pettitte’s ERA last year cleared the 4.00 mark, which isn’t exactly lights-out. Of greater concern is Mike Mussina, who finished the year with an ERA over 5.00. The big gamble for New York is on their young arms: Joba Chamberlain, Ian Kennedy, and Phil Hughes—who came up to great fanfare last year, only to go down with an injury almost immediately. All three younguns will be on strict innings limits. When October rolls around again, will they have enough left in the tank to make it to the postseason? And assuming they bash their way into the playoffs, do they have the dominant, ace-caliber pitching you need to reach the World Series? Right now, the answer is no.

Boston Red Sox - A craving for Coco

The World Series Champs already look pretty good for next year. They need to think about 2011. A few of their key players are oh-ell-dee old. The hardest to replace will be catcher and team captain Jason Varitek. Boston is still looking for takers for Coco Crisp, and I would love to see them deal him for a catching prospect. The Red Sox have no one inspiring coming up at the position, and will be lucky if Jason Varitek clears .250 over the next three years (assuming he accepts Boston’s 2-year, $20 mill offer of a contract extension). I’d hate to see them deal Coco, who is a Gold Glove caliber centerfielder with excellent speed and offensive upside, for just anyone. But Ellsbury is the Boston CF of the future, and Coco is not a fourth outfielder. If they can’t get a young catcher for him, well, bullpen help is always nice. But I worry that if Crisp languishes in Boston another half-season as a backup, he’ll just end up…soggy.

It’s not offical yet, but word on the street is that that Rays have dealt outfielder Elijah Dukes to the Nationals.

Here’s what the St. Pete Times says:

There is plenty of circumstantial evidence that Dukes has been dealt, including word that Nationals GM Jim Bowden was overheard on his cell phone yesterday at the airport talking to someone named “Elijah.” Both teams have scheduled announcements at 5 p.m.

The Times goes on to say that the trade explains why Dukes hasn’t played since his latest eruption after being ejected from a Dominican League game on Thursday night.

`Yes, that’s right. Dukes was ejected from a game in the Dominican League. Why is Dukes playing in the Dominican Republic? To rehabilitate his image. To prove to the world that he’s not a complete maniac. To show that he can play baseball without flipping out and having to slap a bitch.

And he got tossed.

And now he’s going to D.C.

Jim Bowden, you are a maverick. You have assembled the most fruit loops crazy roster in professional sports. If you consider yourself in any way, shape or form a baseball fan, you have to be excited about the 2008 Nationals.

Elijah Dukes. Dmitri Young. Lastings Milledge. All on the same team.

I think I speak for the entire blogosphere when I say, “Amen.”

It’s official. In an attempt to freshen up and reliven their image - and presumably, make the team even more anonymous than it was already, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays have changed their name to “Tampa Bay Rays“.  Some initial thoughts:

1. So… Yeah… They’re just the Rays now… Sweet.
2. No word yet on whether or not they will pursue Ray Durham, Ray Olmedo, Ray King, and Chris Ray during the off-season.
3. Not only is the name unfathomably dull, their uniform is just as bad.
4. For the life of me, I cannot think of a celebrity more fitting to appear on this dull occassion than the incredibly monotone Kevin Costner. And yes, his character in “Field of Dreams” was named Ray Kinsella. So he’s a Ray.

And now let’s all go do something a bit more interesting. Like, go watch someone try and guess all the flavors in a Whitman’s Sampler. I don’t know.

1. The Devil Rays don’t suck quite has much anymore. They were under .400 two weeks ago. But after going on a tear—and whomping the Yankees—they were just one game behind Baltimore heading into tonight’s game. They have a killer schedule at the end of this month that includes the Angels and the Yankees and Boston again, but if the Orioles continue to slide, Baltimore could be the cellar-dwellers this year. If Tampa makes some savvy offseason moves, they could actually be a legitimate team next year. Who knew?

2. Dustin Pedroia: your AL Rookie of the Year. Write it down.

3. So it’s 9/11. And it’s the 7th inning stretch. And a bunch of firefighters are singing “God Bless America,” just days after Boston’s fire department buried two of their own, killed in the line of duty. Everyone is listening in rapt attention. Except for Curt Schilling, that preachy Republican blowhard, who is talking. The guy he was talking to, J.D. Drew, at least had the decency to look like he was trying not to listen. Now, I’m no anti-Schilling type. I have a wee soft spot for the guy (bloody sock, you know). But Jesus, Curt. I know you like to hear your own voice, but can’t it wait until the commercial break? Talk about all hat and no cattle. Shut up and throw.

4. Speaking of commercial breaks, something I love to do during them is browse through catalogs. This game, I discovered a wondrous new item: L.L. Bean shearling flip flops. Shearling flip flops! These are my new must-have for fall.

5. Forget all the speculation about who will be in Boston’s outfield when Manny comes back from this oblique strain (it’ll still be J.D. Drew, no matter what Jacoby Ellsbury does in the interim). Having too many outfielders right now is the least of Boston’s problems. We only have two starting pitchers. Once the finest rotation in the league–perhaps in all of baseball?—Boston’s three and four starters have blown up this month. Daisuke Matsuzaka and Tim Wakefield, in September, have given up an average of 7 earned runs per start. The other pitchers that have started for the Sox in that span (Schilling, Beckett, Lester, and Buchholz) have given up an average of 2.13 earned runs per start. For the playoffs, then, Boston has a rotation of Schilling, Beckett, and a faint buzzing noise. There’s always the Julian Tavarez option, but I’m sure Terry Francona is as hesitant to go that route as I am—Tavarez is a wild card. Clay Buchholz still has just two starts in the majors, and though he did have a dandy relief appearance (three innings, three K’s, two walks, one hit, no runs) during one of Wakefield’s meltdowns, I don’t think you willingly hand the ball to him in Game 3. He may have thrown 50% of his major league games for no-hitters, but there’s such a thing as too much too soon. As for Jon Lester? He’s young, too, but may be their best option. Unfortunately, he’s only recently (like within the past couple of starts) gotten his walk ratio down. You don’t want to walk lineups like the Yankees’ or the Tigers’ in the playoffs. Lester faces off against the D-Rays tonight, and if he can’t slam the door on them, I will officially go into full-fledged Sox-panic mode, with horror’s icy hand gripping my heart. And even a plush pair of L.L. Bean shearling flip flops can’t take the edge off that chill.

Yankees - end the love affair with Miguel Cairo. Oh, and also, a first baseman

It has been a thinly veiled secret for many years that Yankees manager Joe Torre has a prediliction for keeping an aging, light-hitting Latin American utility infielder around upon whom he can lavish excessive praise and undue playing time.

For many many years, this role was filled by Luis Sojo, but now that Sojo has finally retired, it has clearly fallen to Miguel Cairo.

With Yankee first base options Doug Mientkiewicz and Jason Giambi out indefinitely with wrist and foot injuries, Torre played Miguel Cairo at first base a ridiculous five games in a row this past week.

The Yankees need to start playing Josh Phelps at first base full time, at least for now. Even more, they need to go out and acquire a first baseman who can mash - it shouldn’t be too hard. There is always a surfiet of Matt Stairs types floating around in Triple-A.

But most of all, they need to stage an intervention with Joe Torre and make him stop playing a guy with an on-base percentage of .282 and a slugging percentage of .250 at the premier hitting position on the diamond.

Blue Jays - find a way to appease the swamp hag that has put a hex on all their players

The Blue Jays need to bring in professional help to reverse the curse that has befallen all of their players. They need to stop walking under ladders and should start shooting black cats on sight if they try to cross their path. They need to do something - anything! - to get rid of bad luck that has put virtually their entire team on the DL this season.

Other than Vernon Wells, Alex Rios, Aaron Hill, and A.J. Burnett, the Blue Jays’ entire starting lineup, rotation, and most of the bullpen has been on the DL already. As of this writing, Toronto has 6 different pitchers and 3 starting-lineup hitters on the DL.

Even a mistake-prone yakuza could count on his left hand the number of teams that could win ballgames while losing quality players like Troy Glaus, Lyle Overbay, Greg Zaun, Reed Johnson, Roy Halladay, Gustavo Chacin, and B.J. Ryan all at once. He might not have any fingers left on that hand, but he wouldn’t need them, because there is no such team.

The Jays need to figure out what that hag wants out of them. Fast.

Devil Rays - 2 or 3 replacement-level starting pitchers

Although they have flown under the radar because, well, they’re the Devil Rays after all, Tampa Bay’s lineup is actually loaded with dangerous young hitters who can mash with the best of ‘em. In fact, Tampa Bay is 7th in the league in team OPS behind only the Tigers, Indians, Red Sox, Yankees, Mariners, and Angels. Read that list again - those are some pretty awesome hitting teams!

But where the D-Rays have truly been undone is in their starting rotation, or more specifically, in their odd willingness to stick with starting pitchers who obviously had no business starting major league games.

Amazingly, despite having a starting rotation ERA that ranked at the very bottom of all of baseball, the Rays stuck with the same five guys for two months without even one of them missing a start! Jamie Shields and Scott Kazmir have been good to great at the front end, but the abominable trio of Jae Seo, Casey Fossum, and Edwin Jackson were somehow allowed to start 31 games and toss 158 innings while posting a combined ERA of 7.75 between them.

At long last, just this past week, the D-Rays front office finally decided it had seen enough, shipping Fossum to the bullpen, cutting Seo, and bringing up their two best pitching prospects from Durham. It remains to be seen whether J.P. Howell and Andy Sonnanstine can do much better, and Jackson is still getting run out there every fifth day, but you have to think that anything at all would be better than what the Rays were going with the first two months of the season.

If the Rays had had even replacement-level starters instead of Seo, Fossum, and Jackson - guys who could go 5 or 6 with an ERA around 5.00 instead of around 8.00 - you’d have to believe that with their lineup, the D-Rays easily could have won 5 to 10 more games than they have.

Orioles - some kind of long term plan

The Orioles really need to develop some kind of organizational philosophy and start working toward some sort of long-term goal. Signing whatever scrap-heap “experienced veterans” there are to be had each offseason while ignoring scouting, statistical analyis, and player development is no kind of plan at all.

Guys like Miguel Tejada, Nick Markakis, Brian Roberts, Ramon Hernandez, Eric Bedard, and pitching coach Leo Mazzone represent a talented core around which a championship squad could theoretically be built if money was wisely invested in player development and useful role players.

But surrounding the few good players year after year with expensive, overrated big-name retreads like Jay Payton, Aubrey Huff, Kevin Millar, Kris Benson, Corey Patterson, Steve Trachsel, and Javy Lopez is no way to win anything.

Of course, owner Peter Angelos’s veto of a ridiculously good trade offer the Angels made last summer for Tejada illustrated, no sort of long term planning will be possible until somebody stands up to Angelos and tells him to let his baseball people do their jobs.

Just like the Yankees blossomed once Steinbrenner finally let his front office make decisions (although it did take a felony conviction and a 3-year ban from the game), the Orioles, with their payroll and fanbase, have a chance to be great again if Angelos backs off, but until such time, they are going to keep looking and playing just as awfully as those late 80s Yankees squads.

Boston - a more versatile fourth outfielder

What do you get for the girl who has everything? What could the team with the best record in baseball possibly need?

A fourth outfielder who can play centerfield and bring speed to the basepaths is what.

As long as the Red Sox are going to be one of these crazy AL teams that only carries 3 bench players (I’m not counting Doug Mirabelli, who is pretty useless for anything besides catching knuckleballs), they need to make sure those 3 players can fill all the needs they would have coming off the bench.

Alex Cora is a useful, slick-fielding middle infielder who can deliver the occasional pinch hit. Eric Hinske can play the corners and has some pop. So far so good.

Which brings us to Wily Mo Pena. Pena is a good player who deserves a starting job and could probably outhit half the everyday leftfielders in baseball if given a chance. But he is no kind of bench player. Strikeout-prone, defensively challenged, and slow of foot, he can’t really perform any of the roles that you would want out of a fourth outfielder, such as coming in as a defensive replacement, being counted on to have a good at bat as a pinch-hitter, or coming in as a pinch runner.

More than anything, the Red Sox need a bench player who can play centerfield, run the bases, and make contact as a pinch hitter. Not only because they need those things off the bench from time to time and don’t have them, but because their worst everyday player - the guy you would most want to spell in the lineup from time to time - is Coco Crisp.

This is part of a series of posts in which we call out all 30 teams for their wily offseason moves and tragic offseason blunders.

The Devil Rays made many changes this offseason. First off, they changed their name (to take effect in 2008) — soon they’ll be Just Plain Rays, thankyouverymuch. (No word on whether pressure from the Christian right contingent in Florida had anything to do with it. Nevertheless, I think we can all agree that “Tampa Bay Rays” is vastly superior.)

The [pause] Rays also added yoga to their Spring Training regimen. And they redid the turf in the Trop, making it a bit slower. It’s the same as those football turfs that have a surface like blades of grass, though the Rays are the first baseball team to use it. And now, without further ado, the roster moves:

The big acquisition for the [silence] Rays is a new Japanese third baseman, Akinori Iwamura. You will be forgiven for not hearing about this sooner, because Aki, as he is known, went to the [ahem] Rays and not to, say, the Yankees or the Red Sox, and he’s not the best or second-best pitcher in the home country. Nevertheless, he is a .300 hitter who is expected to hit 20 HR and knock in about 60 or more RBI. He’s also made a bit of news for himself by having his own stylish BP bat, shown above, with “no pain, no gain” stenciled on it in Japanese. Seems like someone’s trying to make up for lost publicity…and seems like it’s working, too:

He also wore a pair of Oakley sunglasses with mp3 earbuds. The name “Aki” and his No. 1 were stitched across the chest of his Nike warmup shirt. Even his black socks had No. 1 on them. He took grounders with a black glove with green stringing and, as he promised, a piece of alligator skin in the webbing.

But aside from the name, the yoga, the turf, and the Aki, it’s la plus ca change la plus c’est la meme chose for the [sound of wind blowing] Rays, who are still young, cheap, and likely to finish at the bottom of the AL East. Last year, they scored the fewest runs of any MLB team, and their pitching and defense were similarly wretched. Not exactly a recipe for success.

The one area where the [tumbleweed blowing by] Rays actually look like a decent, professional ballclub is the outfield. Carl Crawford, their leftfielder, has been steadily improving at the plate every year, to the point where he hit .305 last season and knocked in 77 runs, also contributing a respectable 18 homers. Oh, and his range factor was the best of any leftfielder in the AL. Not too shabby, Carl. As for the centerfielder, Rocco Baldelli is another steadily imrpoving .300 hitter who’s pretty solid on defense and can occasionally hit for power. (Also, he has to have one of the best names of any active player. “Now batting…the centerfielder…Rocco Ballllldelli!” That’s hot.) Delmon Young, the rightfielder, only got in 30 games last year (his first in the majors) but managed to hit .317 with 9 doubles, 3 homers, and a total of 40 hits. Not too shabby. You can see why [yippee tai yai yo, git along little dogies] Rays’ fans are excited to see more of him. All four of them, that is. And outfielder/DH Jonny Gomes showed up to camp looking and feeling better than he has in years; so good, in fact, that some of his teammates didn’t recognize him. This may complicate things for young Delmon, since Gomes was going to be stuck DHing and at first if his shoulder was still icky.

The infield, aside from Aki, is rather boring. The only offseason action of note was utility man Ty Wigginton delivering his own baby, as his wife suddenly went into labor in the master bedroom closet. Word on the street is that this season, Wiggy may get some more time at first, while B.J. Upton will become a sort of super-utility man, a la Chone Figgins of the Angels. Ben Zobrist, who took over from Joey Gathright at short last season, has no offense to speak of, and neither does catcher Dioner Navarro. And second baseman Jorge Cantu, unlike the outfielders on the team, has been steadily getting worse–though he came up in 2004 hitting .300, he has since slid down to the .250 range. Team defense may—may—improve this year with the slower turf.

As for their pitching this year, the [crickets, crickets] Rays’ rotation is hardly jaw-dropping. However, they have a bit of a bottleneck for their fifth slot, and recently acquired South Korean pitcher Jae Kuk Ryu from the Cubs for two minor leaguers. (Yes, the guy who once killed a bird with a baseball.) They will at least have a decent shot at winning one game of every five thanks to the rocket arm of staff ace Scott Kazmir. The rest of the rotation? Basically a bunch of guys you’ve either never heard of, or you say to yourself, “Oh yeah, we had that guy a couple years ago. He wasn’t….terrible.” And the bullpen? What bullpen? Honestly, the [house creaking] Rays would be better off converting it to a ballpit or a strip club or a roller rink—anything that would get them some attendance. One stat I found said that the Rays were ahead in 121 games last year, but managed to squander the lead and lose 60 times. Ouch.

Poor, poor benighted [howl of lone wolf baying at moon] Rays. They are truly the 3rd-world country of the American League—improvement is always just around the corner, never actually arriving.

Losses: Travis Harper, Travis Lee, Tyler Walker, Brian Meadows, Damon Hollis

Acquisitions: Akinora Iwamura, Al Reyes, Stephan Andrade, Tony Peguero, Dustan Mohr, Hee-Sop Choi, Jorge Velandia, Bredan Harris, Gary Glover, Jason Grabowski (don’t “Grabowski” and “Glover” sound like good fielders’ names?), Yamid Haad, Scott Dohmann., Jae Kuk Ryu.

Projected Rotation, Lineup, and Closer:

CF Baldelli (.302, OBP .339)
RF Young (.317)
3B Iwamura (projected .300, 20 HR, 60 RBI)
LF Crawford (.305, .348 OBP, 18 HR 77 RBI)
1B Wigginton (.275, .330 OBP, 24 HR, 79 RBI)
DH Gomes (.216, .325 OBP, 20 HR, 59 RBI)
2B Cantu (.249, 62 RBI)
C Navarro (.254)
SS Zobrist (.224)

Scott Kazmir (RHP, 3.27, 10-8 last year with a WHIP of 1.27) to be followed by any combination of the following spare parts: Jae Seo, Casey Fossum, Tim Corcoran, Jamie Shields, Brian Stokes, Jason Hammel, Jeff Nieman. A closer is the least of their worries, alas.

Grade: C+

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