Today the Arizona Daily Star has a lovely little feature on Bill Hohn, who has umpired major-league baseball games for 18 seasons and is now rehabbing in Tucson after injuries stalled his career.

From the Daily Star:

In the last two years, he has had three surgeries to repair herniated disks in his lower back and the sciatic nerve in his left hip. Hohn, a 52-year-old native of Butler, Pa., missed most of 2007.

During his comeback, he has spent the last seven days on a rehabilitation stint at Tucson Sidewinders games. He is expected to return to the major leagues Friday in Atlanta.

Hohn’s is a feel good story. But his is a look bad face. Behold:

I don’t know what is going on here. It’s more than a mustache, but less than a Fu Manchu. And apparently this is nothing new:

I suppose he has good reason grow the ’stache. After all, umps need to look tough. If I was an ump, I’d want to look like as much of a hard ass as possible. But somebody needs to tell Hohn that the the secret to a successful Fu Manchu is uniformity. The hairs above the lip and along the sides of the mouth need to be the same length. This party on top (lip) and business on the sides look is not good.

Pay attention, Bill. This is how it’s done:

Ahhh. Now that’s some truly fortunate facial hair.

Of the many unfortunate facial hair patterns out there (and as we’ve seen, they are legion) the Fu Manchu will always hold a special place in baseball’s UFH pantheon. The craze began in earnest in 1975, when seven members of the Brewers sported the look, and has never quite died out. Favored mostly by catchers and relief pitchers, the Fu Manchu has become a hardball classic, as much a part of the game as cracker jack, pine tar, and organ music. To salute this time-honored ’stache, UmpBump presents the top five Fu Manchus of all time:

5. Mike Piazza, Catcher and DH, 1992-present

Mike Piazza gets a nod for his daring interpretation, whittling the ends of the Fu into these sharp little points, not unlike the fangs of some venomous snake. Pairing it with a blow-dryed “Just for Men”-esque coiffure, Mike looks downright dapper.

4. Todd Jones, Reliever, 1993-present

Todd Jones gets a nod for his painstakingly parabolic Fu, which looks like he sculpted it with a protractor. Extra points for the russet coloring.

3. Sal Fasano, Catcher, 1996-present

Few have done as much for the Fu Manchu as Sal Fasano. But it could be argued that the Fu has done almost as much for Sal. Without it, he’d be just another aging backup catcher flirting with Triple A. But with it, he’s a cult hero with his own fan club (Sal’s Pals). Indeed, as this picture shows, Sal clearly views his Fu as more than just facial hair…it’s a calling.

2. Rod Beck, reliever, 1991-2004

Rod Beck, may he rest in peace, had a classic Fu: thick and lustrous, sloping evenly down from either nostril, flaring slightly at the base but not at all bulbous, like Fasano’s. What’s more, the fearless Beck paired this beaut with a brash cascade of mullet. But even this wasn’t quiiiite enough to win him the top spot, which goes to…

1. Al Hrabosky, reliever, 1970-1982

The best baseball Fu Manchu ever belongs to none other than Al Hrabosky, who pushed the form to new heights with this flourishing, asymmetrical endeavor. Indeed, one almost wonders if the asymmetry is caused by the moustache simply growing too fast for Hrabosky to contain. It’s as if Al were some sort of Fu Manchu prodigy—while others struggled to produce a Fu of even mediocre caliber, Hrabosky was naturally well-endowed. During the 1977 season, Hrabosky was forced to shave his glory as part of a new team dress code. It’s no coincidence that “the Mad Hungarian,” as he was known, went on to have a terrible season during which his ERA ballooned to 4.38.

A Fu Manchu with Samsonlike powers? No wonder it’s our Number One.

It may seem opportunistic to inject Rod Beck’s name into the steroid debate, but as Philly Inquirer columnist Phil Sheridan points out, any time a 38 year-old former player with no known health problems dies, and that player’s nickname was “Shooter”, you can’t help but wonder.

From the Inquirer:

That is the reason Don Fehr and the players’ union treated the whole idea of mandatory drug testing and punishments as if it were a flock of West Nile mosquitoes. The short-term gain - more money - trumped any concern about long-term health risks to the players or to the game itself.

When Sammy Sosa hits his 600th home run . . .

As Barry Bonds closes in on Hank Aaron’s career home run record . . .

When a player from the height of the steroid era dies at age 38 . . .

You wonder what role syringes and creams and amphetamines played. You can’t help it. And that is bad for baseball. So far, it hasn’t been bad enough to threaten those escalating salaries, but that’s a gamble the players’ union was willing to take.

It’s important to point out that Beck never failed a drug test, nor did he tell Congress he couldn’t speak English. But then again, MLB wasn’t testing for steroids when Beck played, and Congress never subpoenaed him.

We do know that Beck spent some time in rehab towards the end of his career, so he was using something. But that something could be almost anything: alcohol, cocaine, pain killers, you name it (though probably not diet pills). And there’s no reason to think that Beck was still using whatever it was in 2007.

Something I found odd: When the AP story about Beck’s death first hit the web, the only player quoted was Barry Bonds. Why Bonds? Maybe the reporter just happened to be sitting next to the world’s most famous doper when he got the call about Beck’s death. Or maybe he/she simply said to himself/herself, “I need a quote from one of Beck’s former teammates. Who’s the most media-friendly guy I can think of ?” I think quoting Bonds was the reporter’s way of hinting at a steroids connection. But then again, I’m a conspiracy theorist at heart.

I’ll be curious to see what Beck’s autopsy reveals, if anything. Frankly, I’m hoping we discover Beck was on steroids. Because I don’t think the MLB players union will be forced to take performance enhancers seriously until we can show that steroids contributed to the untimely death of an athlete.