In honor of the World Baseball Classic, we are coming up with “All-Time Teams” for as many of the participating nations as we can. So far, we’ve done the Canadians, the Italians, the Japanese, the Puerto Ricans, the Cubans, the Venezuelans,  and the Panamanians. Now, we aim the spotlight on the Dominicans! Alas, this year’s Dominican team has already been eliminated from the WBC, causing a national outpouring of shame and lamentation in that island country. But how would an All-Time DR team fare? Let’s take a look.

For some teams, such as the Italian team (a total of six native-born players), fielding a roster of native-born major-leaguers is challenging, if not impossible.That’s not the case with creating an all-time team from the Dominican Republic. The DR has sent 472 sons of the soil to the majors, more than any other foreign country. More than 42 US states, too, as a matter of fact. Since they have such a large pool to draw from, I am not going to go the route of some of my fellow Umpbumpers and use American-born players of Dominican descent or argue that a guy with 12 starts at centerfield deserves to start there on the All-Time team. Ahem.

Lineup:

Designated Hitter – David Ortiz – David Ortiz finished the five seasons from 2003 – 2007 in the top five of MVP voting, an impressive feat – but downright incredible when you consider that many voters refuse to support a full-time DH for the honor. Since coming to the Red Sox (in 2003), he did not hit fewer than 30 home runs until last year, when he only played in 109 games. Even in 2007, a supposed “off-year” in the eyes of the media, he recorded his highest-ever OPS+ at a ridiculous 171.

Left Field – Manny Ramirez – Somehow, in between all the hijinks and shenanigans, Manuel Aristides Onelcida Ramirez has amassed, in 16 years in the majors, 527 homers and 2,393 hits. Given how he plays when he’s motivated – he hit 17 homers in 53 games with the Dodgers last year after hitting 20 dingers in 100 games with the Red Sox – can you imagine what he could have accomplished by now if he hadn’t been faking those knee injuries and striking out on purpose? But in the bottom of the 9th when your team is down a run and there’s a man on base, there’s still no one you’d rather have at the plate than this future Hall of Famer. And he just gets tougher with two strikes against him.

Right Field – Vladimir Guerrero – While Manny had scouts drooling over him when he was in high school, Vladi had to prove he could play ball. His older brothers, Elisier and Wilton, had already been scouted by the Dodgers, but they weren’t sure about Vladimir’s strange-looking body and ungainly movements. Well, little bro gets the last laugh. A career .323 hitter who hits what he wants to – whether or not it’s in the strike zone – he’s also just 8 shy of 400 homers. Despite looking like an old man when he runs (there’s that ungainly physique again) he’s still only 32 and, for the last 13 years, has been one of the game’s more durable stars. (And for those of you who might wish I had gone with Sammy Sosa, well – yes, Slammin’ Sammy certainly epitomized his, um, era. A seven-time All-Star, the 1998 NL MVP, 609 career home runs. But Guerrero still has a better career OPS+, so I don’t feel too bad about going with Vlad. That rhymed.)

Center Field – Cesar Cedeno – from his debut in June of 1970 at the age of 19 until his retirement from baseball 16 years later, Cedeno had six years where he had 50+ steals and three years where he had 20+ homers. He also had a couple of neat years where he hit .320. Welcome to the team, Cesar.

Third Base – Aramis Ramirez – Expecting to see Alex Rodriguez here? Well, too bad. A-Rod was born in New York, NY so he doesn’t count towards the REAL Dominican team. But A-Ram, on the other hand, hails from Santo Domingo, DR. And in 8 seasons as a regular, he’s averaged 29.6 home runs per season. Not too shabby.

Shortstop – Hanley Ramirez - There are a lot of great Dominican shortstops out there. Tejada. Reyes. Fernandez. But after just three full seasons in the majors, Hanley beats ‘em all. The 25-year old phenom is just approaching his prime and already averages 27 home runs a season with a career OBP of .379. These averages are depressed slightly by what would turn out – in hindsight – to be a lackluster debut season (only 17 dingers; just a .353 OBP). But that rough first year was still impressive enough for him to scoop up a Rookie of the Year trophy. Last year saw him add an All-Star nomination and a Silver Slugger award. An MVP nod surely won’t be far behind. And yes, his defense ain’t great. But you know what? It’s better than Derek Jeter’s. So there.

Second Base – Luis Castillo -A three-time Gold Glover and three-time All Star, Castillo also has a World Series ring from his days with the Florida Marlins. After 13 seasons in the bigs, he has amassed a career .292 average and a .363 OBP. So his career 27 homers aren’t going to blow anyone away. But 342 stolen bases aren’t anything to shake a stick at! Even so, I nearly went with Placido Polanco, who hits for more power. Close call.

First Base – Albert Pujols - It seems almost silly to have to make a case for Albert Pujols, but I’ll play along. Born in Santo Domingo in 1980, Pujols is 28 years old, has never missed significant time, has won two MVP awards (and come in second three times) and was the 2001 Rookie of the Year. His career OBP is .425. He has never hit fewer than 30 home runs in a season. Never. Not even one time. Yes, your girlfriend would rather be with him. But face it: so would you.

Catcher – Tony Pena – Yes, his career .309 OBP is downright hideous, as is his career 84 OPS+. But he did hit .300 a couple of times. And twice he slugged 15 (count ‘em!) home runs. He debuted at age 23 and managed to hang around until he was 40. And he was the 2003 Manager of the Year for the Kansas City Royals!

Bench - Jose Reyes, Miguel Tejada, Placido Polanco, Carlos Pena, Sammy Sosa, Alfonso Soriano, Rico Carty, Tony Fernandez, Jose Offerman (you know, for those bench-clearing brawls)

SP1 – Pedro Martinez - They called him El Duro in the Dominican – the Hard One. He has famously long, crazily-jointed fingers that create more spin on the ball than the ball knows what to do with. He once told Tom Verducci, “There are days when I first get out to the mound and it feels just like this, like the plate is closer than it’s supposed to be. Then I know right away. It’s over. You are f——-. F——-.” Even though he has not been able to find an employer yet this year, he still owns the best winning percentage of any active pitcher. I am almost certain that Pedro lied about his age when he was first signed – the age of his grown son strongly suggests at least a little fibbing – but there is no doubt that the three-time Cy Young winner is the ace of the Dominican staff. He has amassed not only an impressively long, consistent career – a 2.91 ERA over 17 seasons, with a career 151 ERA+ – but achieved a peak that has not been matched by any other man. In 1999, the annus mirabilis that saw him robbed of his dual MVP and Cy Young awards by a couple of douchebag writers, he logged a 2.07 ERA and 313 strikeouts over 213.3 innings. His record: 23-4. His ERA+: 243. While the following year, his win totals and strikeouts were down, he finished the year having pitched 217 innings with an ERA of 1.74 and an ERA+ of 291. Why do I feel the need to recite all of these well-known stats? I guess, somehow, even though I was there and watching – glued to the old TV during that 17-strikeout game against the Yankees – I still can’t believe it really happened. That’s how good he was. Now I have to move on before my head explodes.

SP2 – Juan Marichal - It may seem a little crass to put the Hall of Famer second, but it’s only a matter of time until Pedro is inducted anyway. After 16 years in the majors, Marichal retired with an ERA under 3. He never won a Cy Young, but he was a perennial all-star and a six-time 20 game winner. (And, through modern eyes, it seems pretty bad-ass that he broke the 300-innings barrier three times.)

SP3 – Ramon Martinez – He won 20 games once and 17 games twice, and also threw a no-hitter and once struck out 18 batters (in a game Nick was at!).

SP4 – Jose Rijo - Six consecutive seasons of sub-3.00 ERAs helped fuel a 1990 World Series sweep in which the Reds hurler earned two of the victories – and the Series MVP award. Though he often struggled with injuries and was out of baseball between age 30 and age 36 with elbow problems, he did return – albeit briefly – in 2001 and 2002, lifting the hearts of Cincinnatans everywhere. Or, you know, in Cincinnati. Unfortuantely, this uplifting tale – which saw Rijo win a Tony Conigliaro Award – has taken a recent sad twist, with Rijo being fired from the Nationals after one of his Dominican scouting finds was discovered to be  a totally different person – and, like, a totally older person.

SP5 – Bartolo Colon – Would you believe that Colon has a .607 career winning percentage? Colon is a former Cy Young-winner and a two-time 20 game winner, even though his career ERA is a hardly ace-like 4.09. Well, I guess he’ll round out the rotation anyway.

Relievers: Rafael Perez, Damaso Marte, Jose Valverde, Rafael Soriano, Octavio Dotel, Armando Benitez, Mel Rojas, Jose Mesa, Alejandro Pena

CL – Francisco Cordero

Manager – Felipe Alou

Final Verdict – Just for fun, I plugged the career OBPs and SLGs of this lineup into the lineup analysis tool at Baseball Musings. This had the unfortunate impact of wiping out some players’ impressive career peaks, but the overall result was still heartening:  an average of 6.17 runs per game, with the ideal lineup producing 6.426 runs per game. But we don’t need a fancy interwebby gizmo to tell us that a lineup featuring Hanley, Prince Albert, Papi, Manny, and Vladi is going to score a lot of runs. As for the pitching, the DR’s team features one Hall of Famer, one future Hall of Famer, and a back-end of guys who were all, at one time, team aces. Sure, Felipe Alou would have his hands full – but as far as I can tell, this fearsome Dominican squad would lose to only one foe:

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One of our readers tipped us off to this article from MiLB.com, the official website of minor league baseball, on Josh Collmenter of the South Bend Silverhawks, and I think it’s worth sharing in detail. Apparently young Mr. Collmenter has quite the mustache—and has been on quite the tear since its cultivation. He’s 10-5 with a 3.20 ERA for the Single-A club. And in recognition of his fine fuzz, tonight is “Josh Collmenter Mustache Awareness Night” at Coveleski Stadium, with the mustachioed hurler taking the mound. The deets:

Mustachioed fans will receive free admission to the contest, and those without a mustache will be given one as they enter the ballpark. Many of Collmenter’s South Bend teammates have jumped on the ’stache bandwagon as well, and fans will engage in a pregame vote to determine which player possesses the best upper-lip hair.

But wait. It gets better.

Making the Silver Hawks’ mustache promotion even more fortuitous is the fact that it is taking place simultaneously with “Hug Your Plumber Night.” Early-arriving fans will receive complimentary plungers, and any fan who wishes to embrace a (hopefully mustachioed) plumber can do so for just $1, with the proceeds going to charity.

“It’s a natural fit, and I’m sure everyone will get along just fine,” said [Silver Hawks' director of sales and marketing Amy] Hill regarding the evening’s synergistic promotional endeavors.

But it still gets even better, with Collmenter handicapping his teammates’ chances of winning the contest:

“I’m not sure if the fans will vote for the best in terms of looks, or best in terms of who really can’t grow one. Because we’ve got guys like Eli Rumbler who are just growing whatever they can and it’s pretty funny,” said Collmenter. “And then there are guys like Chance Wheeless, who looks like he should be wearing a cowboy hat and riding a horse across west Texas.”

Eli Rumbler? Chance Wheeless? Are these real names?!?! Could this get any more deliciously bizarre????????

But an even more impressive aspect of the promotion is that the club snagged a coveted endorsement from the prestigious American Mustache Institute.

This exists!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“We are very pleased that Josh Collmenter and the Silver Hawks organization have embraced the thick tuft of hair above Josh’s upper lip, and we’re glad that Josh fully realizes the power, strength and ability it adds to his pitching prowess”, said Aaron Perlut, the institute’s executive director. “Josh sports a high-quality Chevron-style mustache. It’s a little-known fact that a mustache of that type can be used to store nuts and berries during the winter season.”

But Collmenter has no plans to go into hibernation anytime soon.

[Sarah's brain explodes]

I have a problem.

I. Hate. Julio. Lugo.

I hate the stupid sub-.300 OBP he had last year. I hate the stupid hitting streak he’s on right now, because I know he’s just doing it to be even more of a $%@#$ later. I hate his enormous bug-eyes that stare so widely AND YET STILL MISS THE BALL. I hate that he wears his belt higher than Steve Urkel. I hate that he’s owned in 56% of ESPN fantasy leagues—who are you people and who is your leader??

Because of Julio Lugo, I am even starting to hate the song “Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard,” which makes me hate him even more, because that’s a good $#@%* song, goddammit.

I hate that Lugo’s six errors are nearly TWO-THIRDS of Boston’s 10 team errors. I hate that he would have even more errors if the official scorer were allowed to assume EVEN THE MOST BASIC AND ELEMENTARY LITTLE-LEAGUE LEVEL DOUBLE PLAYS. I hate that even when he doesn’t make an error, he still finds a way to suck. I even hate the one thing about him that doesn’t technically suck—his speed on the basepaths—because that speed masks the true depths of his sucktitude in the batter’s box.

Is this measured, or rational, or fair? No, no, and hell no. But then, hatred so rarely is.

So most of all, I hate that Theo Epstein offered him way more money than any other GM was even imagining offering him, so that now, not only are we paying through the nose for this @#$*%!, we can find no one else to take him off our hands. The $26 million remaining on the deal would be better spent stuffed directly into owner John Henry’s 164-foot yacht, the Iroquois, and burned as fuel.

And of course, I hate that Julio Lugo is blocking fuzzy-cheeked Jed Lowrie. Did you know that Lowrie has 5 RBI in 26 plate appearances, while Lugo has 5 ribbies in 86 plate appearances? Typical. More errors than runs batted in! And five GIDPs too! Even with the speed! And I laugh—LAUGH!—at the fact that in the ninth inning of of a recent game, with the Sox up by a run and Manny Ramirez out of the game, Terry Francona moved Lugo to left field and Lowrie over to shortstop as a defensive replacement.

But it is not happy, trilling laughter. No, it is cold, cynical laughter. Because, as I was forced to conclude in this week’s Metro column, Julio Lugo’s below-average play and above-average pay likely mean that Jed Lowrie’s days in Boston are numbered. Not only is the entire left side of Boston’s infield locked up through 2010, Jed Lowrie may not be a natural shortstop anyway, as he lacks some of the necessary “first-step quickness” (in the words of Baseball Prospectus). However, he has worked hard to cut down on his error rate and his throws are generally solid, so his comparative lack of range may not be immediately apparent. This leads me to conclude that, at short, the most that could be hoped for is the defensive capability of Derek Jeter, who has very sure hands but, like that other good-looking Derek, one Mr. Zoolander, “can’t go left.” Thus, another team may be happy to take Lowrie and stick him at second base. As for the possibility, explored by Coley at MLB Trade Rumors last weekend, that Boston would keep him and use him as a super-utility guy? It’s possible, but I think it’s unlikely as long as he has even greater value to the team as trade-bait.

But Red Sox fans, take heart. Even if we are stuck with Julio Lugo through 2010, we do have another, potentially even better shortstop prospect waiting in the wings. Right now, he’s down at Greenville, Boston’s single A affiliate. Oscar Tejada, writes Baseball Prospectus, is a “toolsy Dominican” who was “impressive” last year, in his debut season for the Gulf Coast League, “showcasing gap power, good speed, excellent range, and a cannon for an arm.” He’s still “at least three to four years away,” but he’s also “brimming with potential.” Some additional info:

The Good: Tejeda has all of the tools necessary to be a star-level shortstop. He’s a good hitter with a line-drive stroke who has the frame and the bat speed to develop into some power. Defensively, he has excellent range, crisp actions and a strong arm.

The Bad: Not even 18 yet, Tejeda is still rough around the edges in many aspects. He still hasn’t seen enough breaking balls to make the proper adjustments to them, and he needs to improve in the little parts of the game, like bunting and baserunning. Like many young, flashy shortstops, he’s prone to errors when trying to make spectacular plays.

Perfect World Projection: A starting shortstop with the ability to create runs at the plate, and prevent them in the field.

Timetable: Tejeda’s youth and inexperience leaves him very far from his potential. While it seems like he’s ready for a full-season assignment, he’ll be only 18 for all of 2008, and there might be a need for patience.

I hope Oscar Tejada comes along well. I hope he’s ready to go by spring training in 2011. And I hope to God that I still have eyes to see him by then, because if I’m stuck watching Julio Cesar Lugo for the next three full seasons, I may actually claw them out.

I would love to write something eloquent on the FOUR BACK-TO-BACK-TO-BACK-TO-BACK home runs that the Red Sox hit tonight, or maybe the way Papelbon got Alex Rodriguez to ground out to end the game (or maybe about how he blew fastball after fastball by Derek Jeter, who flailed embarassingly, or maybe about how when he looks up at the plate and exhales through that teeny, tiny little mouth he looks terrifyingly like T-1000), or about how Dice-K got “he’s so hot right now that Hansel” A-Rod to strike out twice, or about how Jason Varitek is totally swinging the bat again and it just makes me feel all shiny and new, or about how it was like Mike Lowell and Manny were having some sort of cute-off in the dugout to see whose smile made him look more like a little boy on Christmas morning….but I have to get up really early tomorrow. So I’m just going to throw up a couple of links to recent GameDay columns (the Fenway Park publication put out by the Boston Metro) and call it a night, as I am just too emotionally exhausted from watching this game to carry on. Also, the adrenaline is making it hard to type.

1) Daisuke Matsuzaka is a many-splendored thing.

2) I really, really wanted* to beat the Yankees into a pulp this weekend.

* I made a mistake in this one. “Who’s on First” was, of course, the brainchild of Abbott and Costello, not Laurel and Hardy. I even have a VHS of this somewhere in my apartment. I am ashamed of myself.