One of our readers tipped us off to this article from MiLB.com, the official website of minor league baseball, on Josh Collmenter of the South Bend Silverhawks, and I think it’s worth sharing in detail. Apparently young Mr. Collmenter has quite the mustache—and has been on quite the tear since its cultivation. He’s 10-5 with a 3.20 ERA for the Single-A club. And in recognition of his fine fuzz, tonight is “Josh Collmenter Mustache Awareness Night” at Coveleski Stadium, with the mustachioed hurler taking the mound. The deets:

Mustachioed fans will receive free admission to the contest, and those without a mustache will be given one as they enter the ballpark. Many of Collmenter’s South Bend teammates have jumped on the ’stache bandwagon as well, and fans will engage in a pregame vote to determine which player possesses the best upper-lip hair.

But wait. It gets better.

Making the Silver Hawks’ mustache promotion even more fortuitous is the fact that it is taking place simultaneously with “Hug Your Plumber Night.” Early-arriving fans will receive complimentary plungers, and any fan who wishes to embrace a (hopefully mustachioed) plumber can do so for just $1, with the proceeds going to charity.

“It’s a natural fit, and I’m sure everyone will get along just fine,” said [Silver Hawks' director of sales and marketing Amy] Hill regarding the evening’s synergistic promotional endeavors.

But it still gets even better, with Collmenter handicapping his teammates’ chances of winning the contest:

“I’m not sure if the fans will vote for the best in terms of looks, or best in terms of who really can’t grow one. Because we’ve got guys like Eli Rumbler who are just growing whatever they can and it’s pretty funny,” said Collmenter. “And then there are guys like Chance Wheeless, who looks like he should be wearing a cowboy hat and riding a horse across west Texas.”

Eli Rumbler? Chance Wheeless? Are these real names?!?! Could this get any more deliciously bizarre????????

But an even more impressive aspect of the promotion is that the club snagged a coveted endorsement from the prestigious American Mustache Institute.

This exists!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“We are very pleased that Josh Collmenter and the Silver Hawks organization have embraced the thick tuft of hair above Josh’s upper lip, and we’re glad that Josh fully realizes the power, strength and ability it adds to his pitching prowess”, said Aaron Perlut, the institute’s executive director. “Josh sports a high-quality Chevron-style mustache. It’s a little-known fact that a mustache of that type can be used to store nuts and berries during the winter season.”

But Collmenter has no plans to go into hibernation anytime soon.

[Sarah's brain explodes]

I have a problem.

I. Hate. Julio. Lugo.

I hate the stupid sub-.300 OBP he had last year. I hate the stupid hitting streak he’s on right now, because I know he’s just doing it to be even more of a $%@#$ later. I hate his enormous bug-eyes that stare so widely AND YET STILL MISS THE BALL. I hate that he wears his belt higher than Steve Urkel. I hate that he’s owned in 56% of ESPN fantasy leagues—who are you people and who is your leader??

Because of Julio Lugo, I am even starting to hate the song “Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard,” which makes me hate him even more, because that’s a good $#@%* song, goddammit.

I hate that Lugo’s six errors are nearly TWO-THIRDS of Boston’s 10 team errors. I hate that he would have even more errors if the official scorer were allowed to assume EVEN THE MOST BASIC AND ELEMENTARY LITTLE-LEAGUE LEVEL DOUBLE PLAYS. I hate that even when he doesn’t make an error, he still finds a way to suck. I even hate the one thing about him that doesn’t technically suck—his speed on the basepaths—because that speed masks the true depths of his sucktitude in the batter’s box.

Is this measured, or rational, or fair? No, no, and hell no. But then, hatred so rarely is.

So most of all, I hate that Theo Epstein offered him way more money than any other GM was even imagining offering him, so that now, not only are we paying through the nose for this @#$*%!, we can find no one else to take him off our hands. The $26 million remaining on the deal would be better spent stuffed directly into owner John Henry’s 164-foot yacht, the Iroquois, and burned as fuel.

And of course, I hate that Julio Lugo is blocking fuzzy-cheeked Jed Lowrie. Did you know that Lowrie has 5 RBI in 26 plate appearances, while Lugo has 5 ribbies in 86 plate appearances? Typical. More errors than runs batted in! And five GIDPs too! Even with the speed! And I laugh—LAUGH!—at the fact that in the ninth inning of of a recent game, with the Sox up by a run and Manny Ramirez out of the game, Terry Francona moved Lugo to left field and Lowrie over to shortstop as a defensive replacement.

But it is not happy, trilling laughter. No, it is cold, cynical laughter. Because, as I was forced to conclude in this week’s Metro column, Julio Lugo’s below-average play and above-average pay likely mean that Jed Lowrie’s days in Boston are numbered. Not only is the entire left side of Boston’s infield locked up through 2010, Jed Lowrie may not be a natural shortstop anyway, as he lacks some of the necessary “first-step quickness” (in the words of Baseball Prospectus). However, he has worked hard to cut down on his error rate and his throws are generally solid, so his comparative lack of range may not be immediately apparent. This leads me to conclude that, at short, the most that could be hoped for is the defensive capability of Derek Jeter, who has very sure hands but, like that other good-looking Derek, one Mr. Zoolander, “can’t go left.” Thus, another team may be happy to take Lowrie and stick him at second base. As for the possibility, explored by Coley at MLB Trade Rumors last weekend, that Boston would keep him and use him as a super-utility guy? It’s possible, but I think it’s unlikely as long as he has even greater value to the team as trade-bait.

But Red Sox fans, take heart. Even if we are stuck with Julio Lugo through 2010, we do have another, potentially even better shortstop prospect waiting in the wings. Right now, he’s down at Greenville, Boston’s single A affiliate. Oscar Tejada, writes Baseball Prospectus, is a “toolsy Dominican” who was “impressive” last year, in his debut season for the Gulf Coast League, “showcasing gap power, good speed, excellent range, and a cannon for an arm.” He’s still “at least three to four years away,” but he’s also “brimming with potential.” Some additional info:

The Good: Tejeda has all of the tools necessary to be a star-level shortstop. He’s a good hitter with a line-drive stroke who has the frame and the bat speed to develop into some power. Defensively, he has excellent range, crisp actions and a strong arm.
The Bad: Not even 18 yet, Tejeda is still rough around the edges in many aspects. He still hasn’t seen enough breaking balls to make the proper adjustments to them, and he needs to improve in the little parts of the game, like bunting and baserunning. Like many young, flashy shortstops, he’s prone to errors when trying to make spectacular plays.
Perfect World Projection: A starting shortstop with the ability to create runs at the plate, and prevent them in the field.
Timetable: Tejeda’s youth and inexperience leaves him very far from his potential. While it seems like he’s ready for a full-season assignment, he’ll be only 18 for all of 2008, and there might be a need for patience.

I hope Oscar Tejada comes along well. I hope he’s ready to go by spring training in 2011. And I hope to God that I still have eyes to see him by then, because if I’m stuck watching Julio Cesar Lugo for the next three full seasons, I may actually claw them out.

I would love to write something eloquent on the FOUR BACK-TO-BACK-TO-BACK-TO-BACK home runs that the Red Sox hit tonight, or maybe the way Papelbon got Alex Rodriguez to ground out to end the game (or maybe about how he blew fastball after fastball by Derek Jeter, who flailed embarassingly, or maybe about how when he looks up at the plate and exhales through that teeny, tiny little mouth he looks terrifyingly like T-1000), or about how Dice-K got “he’s so hot right now that Hansel” A-Rod to strike out twice, or about how Jason Varitek is totally swinging the bat again and it just makes me feel all shiny and new, or about how it was like Mike Lowell and Manny were having some sort of cute-off in the dugout to see whose smile made him look more like a little boy on Christmas morning….but I have to get up really early tomorrow. So I’m just going to throw up a couple of links to recent GameDay columns (the Fenway Park publication put out by the Boston Metro) and call it a night, as I am just too emotionally exhausted from watching this game to carry on. Also, the adrenaline is making it hard to type.

1) Daisuke Matsuzaka is a many-splendored thing.

2) I really, really wanted* to beat the Yankees into a pulp this weekend.

* I made a mistake in this one. “Who’s on First” was, of course, the brainchild of Abbott and Costello, not Laurel and Hardy. I even have a VHS of this somewhere in my apartment. I am ashamed of myself.