Hot dag, yo, are we the only sports blog not banned in China? Or are we in fact banned in China and we just don’t know it?

That is one looong cup of coffee: it had been 21years in between minor league starts for Tom Glavine when he took the hill for the Myrtle Beach Pelicans.

Sitting Andre Ethier in favor of Juan Pierre: not necessarily the worst decision ever.

If you could be pals with an athlete, would you pick Ryan Spilborghs? I would pick Tim Wakefield, so we could all go bowhunting together.

CJ Wilson’s not making any new friends.

Boston’s playoff odds are a little bit longer, post-deadline. But they get a little bit shorter if Joba keeps hurting.

The Tigers: Now Open 24 Hours. (Because they never close.)

So the X-Files movie comes out on Friday, and I can’t help but wonder: will Mulder and Scully be looking for aliens, or that even more elusive creature…..the Last Eric Gagne Fan?

Here’s an item that should especially interest those of you who are now just waiting for next year: a mid-season update of baseball’s top 100 prospects. And if that’s not enough, here’s a look at the Triple A leaderboards.

Melky Cabrera waves to the fans mid-play and promptly commits an error. Just Melky being Melky?

I only wish I knew where Wendell “Send ‘em in” Kim would’ve ranked on this list.

A writerly look at Big Papi’s rehab stint in the minors.

A useful primer on the incredibly tangled web that is free agent compensation; good stuff to think about as the trade deadline approaches. Here’s the list of players who’ll be free agents after the season.

And finally, a Metro column in which I apparently begin to hallucinate.

What else should I be reading? Send me tips.

Mark Teixeira’s been getting it from the Atlanta Press, and up here in Beantown Manny has been hearing it from all the usual suspects: the Boston Herald, the Boston Globe, our sports talk radio station, WEEI, and on our local sports cable station, NESN. (Now he’s even getting lectures from Seattle cops for jaywalking.)

First, he gabbed to the Herald’s Rob Bradford about his contract situation. That drew an acid response from HOF pitcher-turned-colorman Dennis Eckersley, on NESN, and a truly bizarre story from Bob Lobel on WEEI, that Manny’s three-pitch K against Mariano Rivera was perceived by the front office as some sort of attempt to show them up for fining him. (An FO FU? Sorry.) For those of you paying attention to the calendar, the fine came in June, the strikeout a week later, and the report by Lobel nearly two weeks after that—the day after Manny’s contract complaints appeared in the Herald. Hmmm, that’s not suspicious.

And of course, cantankerous Boston Globe columnist Dan Shaughnessy had to get his licks in a couple of times. (In the second article, Shaughnessy’s article refers to one “Ralph Nadar.” Hello, copyeditor?)

And Tony Massarotti, in the Herald, attempted to demonstrate that Manny’s antics, combined with his price tag, make him no longer worth it, because he’s supposedly in decline:

The Red Sox long ago chose to live with Ramirez’ bat and put up with his antics, mostly because he was worth it. But coming out of this year’s All-Star break, since the start of last season, Ramirez ranked 35th in the majors in RBI, trailing people like Jeff Francoeur, Adrian Gonzalez, Jose Guillen and Raul Ibanez. In home runs and slugging, Ramirez ranked a respective 44th and 35th.

Massarotti’s analysis goes beyond this—his column admits that it would be a huge challenge for the Sox to find anyone to replace Ramirez—but the above paragraph got picked up by WEEI on Monday morning, who rattled off the long list of those ahead of Manny in RBI over that timeframe. (For more on the trouble that the Sox would have replacing Manny, check out this column by Ken Rosenthal. Yes, Ramirez may be expendable—but Holliday and Teixeira are not the panaceas that Boston-based writers hope they are.)

The Worcester Telegram also picked up the charge, with Bill Ballou calling Ramirez “obnoxious” and suggesting that the Sox replace him with—get this—Brandon Moss. “That’s a smart business move, for sure,” wrote Ballou. Apparently, what Moss brings to the lineup at 400k is worth what Manny brings at 20MM, what with “the emergence of JD Drew as a production threat.”

Friends, this is where I start vomiting into my hands. This is where I break out into hives. This is where I break the glass, pull the red lever, and cry, “Stop the train! I’m getting off!”

I think it’s worth noting that these are all MSM folks. Not bloggers. The Red Sox blogosphere is remarkably quiet on the Manny front, in fact. Sure, there were a few angry callers to WEEI. But then, angry callers on WEEI is sort of like white on rice. So when Dan Shaughnessy writes about the “Hub of Hardball Hysteria,” as if the fans are the ones going nuts over Manny’s bad behavior, I wonder just who the “hysterical” ones are. Sure, there was the poll on Boston.com suggesting that readers are divided 50/50 about whether Manny should stay or go. Sure, there were some disparaging comments made on message boards—but there seemed to be even more defending Ramirez. So it looks to me like this is mostly a media gripe session and not actually the fan-firestorm it has been made out to be.

Nonetheless. I cannot stand idly by while JD Drew’s “emergence” is bandied about like some sort of real solution. I cannot sit here and let the blunt and contextless RBI statistic be the tool with which Manuel Aristides Olnecida Ramirez is bludgeoned in the press. In good conscience, I cannot allow Brandon Moss to be posited as some sort of “replacement” for the future Hall of Famer.

In short, I simply could not stand to look at myself in the mirror if I did not write today’s Metro column.

Usually, I’d wait until Friday for your procrastinatory reading of the week. But seeing as how many of you will be calling in sick tomorrow (coughcough! hackwheeze! sniffle!), let’s get to those links today.

Babes Love Baseball has the new SI cover and it’s….bizarro!

Walkoff Walk has an amazingly destructive Albert Pujols leaving nothing but carnage in his wake. Gaslamp Ball has the pictures.

Home Run Derby has video of CC Sabathia farting. Hey, we try to put in a little something for everyone in these posts.

Bus Leagues Baseball wants you to help come up with a nickname for Jay Bruce. “The Bruise,” anyone?

Call of the Green Monster has breaking news: already-diminutive Sox infielder Dustin Pedroia seems to be shrinking.

River Ave Blues makes a strong case for using instant replay to get home run calls right, on the heels of yet another blown call. Earlier this week it was Delgado. During the 2007 ALCS, it was Manny, with the 390 foot “single.” Who else has to get robbed just so we can preserve the “human element”?

The Hardball Times takes the media to task for dismissing the Bonds/collusion whispers as conspiracy theories. For the record, I’ve also dismissed those whispers. But this post is the first thing I’ve read that has made me think again.

DRaysBay makes the case that Tampa Bay has the best 1-2 punch in the AL East. In case you’re keeping score at home, there’s only a week left of May and the Rays are just two games out of first place.

Joe Posnanski has another curiously long post touching on, in no particular order, Mike Piazza, Yaz, and whether Pedro Martinez’s 9 perfect innings should count as a perfect game. He notes that after he wrote this column, in which he included Pedro on a list of great no-hitter hurlers, he received a number of emails from people (including yours truly) saying, “Hey, wait a minute! that’s not technically a perfect game!” Joe posits that while that is technically true, he considers it a no-hitter, “record books be damned,” since Pedro pitched 9 perfect innings (he gave up a double in the 10th). I kind of like the idea that we can damn the record books and restore a perfect game to Pedro, a great pitcher who never seems to get any real run support. However, I think this is dangerous—for instance, can we say that Varitek has called five no-nos because he actually called for the right pitch in Curt Schilling’s eight-and-two-thirds bid last year? I mean, Tek was sure Shannon Stewart was swinging. He called for the slider. Schilling was equally sure Stewart was taking. He wanted to throw heat. Schilling threw a fastball, Stewart swung, and there went history. (Incidentally, Pedro also shook off Tek in the 9th inning of his no-hit bid in 2000. Tek called for a curveball. Pedro, like Schilling, insisted on throwing the fastball. He gave up a single.) To me, that game in 2007 and Pedro’s games in 1995 and 2000 are just examples of those bittersweet moments in sports where greatness just slips away. As Schilling put it last year, “I get a big ‘what if’ for the rest of my life.” And so does Pedro. But maybe I’m full of crap. What do you guys think?

And finally, if you’ve got the extra coin, you can get a Marlins World Series ring on ebay for the buy-it-now price of $6,250.00.

Oh, and I’m going to shamelessly plug my own Boston Metro column too. It’s weird, I wrote this post on Lester’s no-hitter first, and then decided I wanted to write a Metro column on it too. It’s damn hard to write about the same thing twice and find something new to say!

What else should I be reading? Email me!

I have a problem.

I. Hate. Julio. Lugo.

I hate the stupid sub-.300 OBP he had last year. I hate the stupid hitting streak he’s on right now, because I know he’s just doing it to be even more of a $%@#$ later. I hate his enormous bug-eyes that stare so widely AND YET STILL MISS THE BALL. I hate that he wears his belt higher than Steve Urkel. I hate that he’s owned in 56% of ESPN fantasy leagues—who are you people and who is your leader??

Because of Julio Lugo, I am even starting to hate the song “Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard,” which makes me hate him even more, because that’s a good $#@%* song, goddammit.

I hate that Lugo’s six errors are nearly TWO-THIRDS of Boston’s 10 team errors. I hate that he would have even more errors if the official scorer were allowed to assume EVEN THE MOST BASIC AND ELEMENTARY LITTLE-LEAGUE LEVEL DOUBLE PLAYS. I hate that even when he doesn’t make an error, he still finds a way to suck. I even hate the one thing about him that doesn’t technically suck—his speed on the basepaths—because that speed masks the true depths of his sucktitude in the batter’s box.

Is this measured, or rational, or fair? No, no, and hell no. But then, hatred so rarely is.

So most of all, I hate that Theo Epstein offered him way more money than any other GM was even imagining offering him, so that now, not only are we paying through the nose for this @#$*%!, we can find no one else to take him off our hands. The $26 million remaining on the deal would be better spent stuffed directly into owner John Henry’s 164-foot yacht, the Iroquois, and burned as fuel.

And of course, I hate that Julio Lugo is blocking fuzzy-cheeked Jed Lowrie. Did you know that Lowrie has 5 RBI in 26 plate appearances, while Lugo has 5 ribbies in 86 plate appearances? Typical. More errors than runs batted in! And five GIDPs too! Even with the speed! And I laugh—LAUGH!—at the fact that in the ninth inning of of a recent game, with the Sox up by a run and Manny Ramirez out of the game, Terry Francona moved Lugo to left field and Lowrie over to shortstop as a defensive replacement.

But it is not happy, trilling laughter. No, it is cold, cynical laughter. Because, as I was forced to conclude in this week’s Metro column, Julio Lugo’s below-average play and above-average pay likely mean that Jed Lowrie’s days in Boston are numbered. Not only is the entire left side of Boston’s infield locked up through 2010, Jed Lowrie may not be a natural shortstop anyway, as he lacks some of the necessary “first-step quickness” (in the words of Baseball Prospectus). However, he has worked hard to cut down on his error rate and his throws are generally solid, so his comparative lack of range may not be immediately apparent. This leads me to conclude that, at short, the most that could be hoped for is the defensive capability of Derek Jeter, who has very sure hands but, like that other good-looking Derek, one Mr. Zoolander, “can’t go left.” Thus, another team may be happy to take Lowrie and stick him at second base. As for the possibility, explored by Coley at MLB Trade Rumors last weekend, that Boston would keep him and use him as a super-utility guy? It’s possible, but I think it’s unlikely as long as he has even greater value to the team as trade-bait.

But Red Sox fans, take heart. Even if we are stuck with Julio Lugo through 2010, we do have another, potentially even better shortstop prospect waiting in the wings. Right now, he’s down at Greenville, Boston’s single A affiliate. Oscar Tejada, writes Baseball Prospectus, is a “toolsy Dominican” who was “impressive” last year, in his debut season for the Gulf Coast League, “showcasing gap power, good speed, excellent range, and a cannon for an arm.” He’s still “at least three to four years away,” but he’s also “brimming with potential.” Some additional info:

The Good: Tejeda has all of the tools necessary to be a star-level shortstop. He’s a good hitter with a line-drive stroke who has the frame and the bat speed to develop into some power. Defensively, he has excellent range, crisp actions and a strong arm.

The Bad: Not even 18 yet, Tejeda is still rough around the edges in many aspects. He still hasn’t seen enough breaking balls to make the proper adjustments to them, and he needs to improve in the little parts of the game, like bunting and baserunning. Like many young, flashy shortstops, he’s prone to errors when trying to make spectacular plays.

Perfect World Projection: A starting shortstop with the ability to create runs at the plate, and prevent them in the field.

Timetable: Tejeda’s youth and inexperience leaves him very far from his potential. While it seems like he’s ready for a full-season assignment, he’ll be only 18 for all of 2008, and there might be a need for patience.

I hope Oscar Tejada comes along well. I hope he’s ready to go by spring training in 2011. And I hope to God that I still have eyes to see him by then, because if I’m stuck watching Julio Cesar Lugo for the next three full seasons, I may actually claw them out.

For this week’s Metro column, I felt obligated to talk about David Ortiz’s 3-for-43 slump to start the year. It was all anyone in Boston was talking about—radio call-in shows, sports TV, newspaper inches. Nothing was off-limits—people were talking about his weight, his batting stance, his knees, his schedule, his mindset. But I didn’t really want to chime in. I felt that this particular zone had been flooded. Plus, slumps happen. You know? I’m sure David will find a way to crank 30 jacks and get on base and OPS at or near 1.000 before the year is out. He’s David Orfreakingtiz! He’s only 32! The man they call Big Papi! Every time he smiles, a rainbow appears, an unseen band strikes up a John Philip Sousa march, and an angel gets its wings! He’ll be fine! He’ll be more than fine! But I didn’t want to write one of those “everyone take a chill pill, man” columns, because although they are sometimes necessary, they leave a patronizing aftertaste.

Then, on Monday, Coley wrote this post on slow starters and what they’re saying, and I read the following:

Jason Giambi (.107, 2 HR, 4 RBI) “If I’ve been frustrated by anything, it’s that I feel so good and I’m hitting the ball hard and I had nothing to show for it.”

That quote triggered something in my brain. You know how in movies, someone says something revealing and then the heroine gets a sort of spaced-out look on her face as she suddenly remembers all this other relevant information in flashback/voiceover mode? Like this:[kml_flashembed movie="http://www.youtube.com/v/NRIknrEwkVw" width="425" height="350" wmode="transparent" /]

Well, Giambi’s comment triggered much the same reaction in yours truly. And just as Scarlett hears, “Tara….Tara!….the red earth of TARA,” I suddenly remembered reading the following quotation about Ortiz:

“He’s hitting some balls hard right at people,” said Red Sox pitching coach Dave Magadan. “He hasn’t had a whole lot of balls fall in for him.”

The pieces all fell into place. Inside my brain, I heard, “BABIP….BABIP!….It’s got to be his BABIP!”

I cruised on over to David’s page on The Hardball Times, and sure enough, going into Monday night’s game, his BABIP was a miniscule .063. He’d hit a few more grounders than he usually does, and had a few more K’s, but given the small sample size we were dealing with, those differences were tiny compared with his jaw-droppingly low BABIP. I felt compelled to look for more low BABIPs, and the search quickly proved fruitful. Giambi’s BABIP was even smaller (.043 at the time). A lot of the Detroit Tigers had low BABIP’s, too. And in a particularly sad twist of fate, Alfonso Soriano had a depressed BABIP when Sun-Times columnist Greg Couch called him selfish compared with newcomer Kosuke Fukudome. Fukudome, said Couch, plays the game “the right way.” Fukudome’s BABIP? An unsustainably high .385 heading into last night. Nice one, Greg.

It seemed like the baseball world was overdue for a crash course in BABIP, so I rapped out the column and sent it in post-haste.

The very next day, while I was at the gym, I was watching NESN (the New England Sports Network, which broadcasts nearly all the Bruins and Red Sox games). Globe columnist Bob Ryan has a talk show on the network called Globe 10.0, and I listened in horror when he speculated that maybe there was something wrong with Papi’s eyesight—”You remember,” he said to his guest [I'm paraphrasing slightly], “What happened when Jim Rice lost his eyesight. That’s not the first thing people think of when a player’s in a slump, but you know, it could be…” I actually felt Red Sox Nation shudder at the very idea.

Moreover, I then read that Papi himself seemed to think he had some sort of mental problem (”I know exactly what I’m doing wrong. Everything is right here,” he told reporters while pointing to his head). Sure, you’re hitting the ball right at people, maybe start getting irate at a few borderline calls, and then you start doubting yourself, which leads to pressing and swinging at pitches out of the zone. In that case, it makes sense to sit the guy before he does himself any more damage, as Terry Francona did earlier this week. But the slump didn’t start in Big Papi’s head. And it’s not going to end there.

Finally, I think it’s really sad that Miguel Cabrera, another slow starter with a low BABIP, said, “I feel bad. I feel like everybody’s behind me, laughing.” And the more I thought about it, the sadder it seemed.

Outside of maybe a few fantasy baseball bloggers, no one knew about the BABIP situation—not the media, not the sluggers themselves, not even the managers and front offices. And now real people were suffering because of it! Bob Ryan has perhaps just convinced thousands of viewers that David Americo Ortiz will pull a Jim Rice on us (as if we didn’t have Lasik now, anyway) and have his last 20-homer season at 33. David himself thinks he’s mental. And poor little Miguel Cabrera thinks we’re all laughing at him! This cannot be.

BABIP! Spread the word and put power back in the hands of the people. Peace.

I feel that Tuesday often gets lost in the workweek shuffle. There’s Monday, which gets a lot of attention for being first. There’s Wednesday, which gets to be “Hump Day.” Thursday is often “thirsty,” or at least gets a sort of half-credit for being almost Friday. And then there’s Friday itself, which, when it rolls around, we’re all so thankful for. But where does poor Tuesday come in? The shock of Monday has worn off, but the ray of hope that Wednesday offers hasn’t yet broken through the gloom. Well, I’ve decided Tuesday needs more love. And on UmpBump, love = links. So let’s get to ‘em. And let’s do it lineup-style!

Leading off, my own Metro Column: A Few Reasons Why Baseball Is Awesome. Need I say more?

Batting second, the June amateur draft is just two months away and The Baseball Analysts are getting ready with a must-read preview series.

Third, Baseball Musings points out that Randy Johnson’s loss last night was unearned. Literally—all the runs the Giants managed came as a result of errors by the D-Backs.

Batting cleanup, Beyond the Box Score looks at some hot starts (and a few slow ones) and identifies which ones are flukes.

Fifth—this one’s for all you Milwaukee Brewers fans. Take heart! There is one closer who may be scarier to have in your bullpen than Eric Smelly Gagne (as my Red Sox-loving roommate still calls him, and will ever call him): Joe Borowski. Bugs and Cranks has the hilarious, heartbreaking rant.  (VegasWatch also chimes in, pointing out that thanks largely to Borowski, the Tigers aren’t in quite as deep a hole as it seems.)

Sixth, Joe Posnanski has a nice post about airport security lines. (And if that’s not baseball-related enough for you, then you can read this one about how much he loves Brian Bannister’s slow-ass fastball.)

Seventh,  this Marlins fan has started Florida Marlins Finances to prove it to the management that they are profitable, dammit, whether they like it or not and with or without that new, taxpayer-funded stadium they want.

Eighth, via River Ave Blues: the Red Sox and New York face off again tomorrow and the first pitch will be thrown from space. (Side note: doesn’t it seem weird that the Sox and Yanks are playing each other again already? And that the Brewers and the Reds will also be facing each other for the second time later this week? And that the White Sox and the Tigers have already faced each other twice? And that the Rays have also faced the Yankees and the Orioles twice? Divisional face-offs are all well and good, but the scheduler may have taken it a bit far this April.)

And batting ninth, the pitcher,  Rumors and Rants, who brings us more good news about Randy Johnson: the mullet (pictured above) is back! It is just as I hoped it would be!

And as a sort of pinch hitter, I have to give a shoutout to Tim Dierkes at MLB Trade Rumors for giving me credit for my foresight on Kyle Snyder, who has cleared waivers and accepted an assignment to Boston’s AAA affiliate, the Paw Sox. There were doubters at the time! But I was right! And as regular readers of UmpBump know, there’s few things Sarah Green loves more in life than being proven right (coffee, my as-yet-unborn children…let’s see…what else? Nope, I think that basically covers it).

It appears that yes, great minds do think alike. Or perhaps it’s just that when pitchers and catchers report on Valentine’s Day, the true seamhead can’t help but make the obvious connection.

At any rate, hot of the heels of Nick’s post on the subject, I submit for your approval today’s Boston Metro Column: Feeling the Springtime Butterflies. Looking at the AL East as a whole, there’s plenty of reasons for Red Sox fans to be all of a-twitter about their team today.

Random note: I can’t tell you how refreshing it feels to go back to writing columns about baseball. As Madonna put it so well:

I made it through the wilderness

Somehow I made it through

Didnt know how lost I was

Until I found you

I was beat– incomplete

I’d been had, I was sad and blue

But you made me feel

Yeah, you made me feel

Shiny and new

Here’s to feeling shiny and new! Thanks, baseball!

(And here’s to buying cute Red Sox tees with hearts on them.)