I’m going to sleep now, and when I wake up, I will realize that this was all a dream, and that the Red Sox and the Yankees have not yet played.

Because there’s just no way the best two relievers on the Red Sox could have given up six runs in one inning. Right?

Yet there is this incontrovertible text evidence in my cell phone:

Sarah to Coley, Sept 14, 11:15pm: Hold me.

Coley to Sarah, Sept 14, 11:17pm: I have Papel-blue balls.

Sarah to Coley, Sept. 14, 11:18pm: He is suddenly their Papelbitch.

And then there was the following evidence, in my g-chat archive:

Me: oh honey. this is terrible.

Boyfriend: i’m too depressed to talk about it. i baked a red sox cake.

Me: was it really good for the first half

Boyfriend: yes.

Me: and then totally awful for the second half? did jonathan papelbon leap through your kitchen window and throw the cake in the trash and then swear into his glove?

Boyfriend: Sadly no.

Me: did it leave like 18 million pieces of frosting on base?

Boyfriend: yes.

Me: goddammit.

Boyfriend: but the cake has two layers, one red and one blue

Me: is it frosted with the broken dreams of an entire Nation?

Boyfriend: i don’t want to talk about the game anymore

Desperately in search of some bit of hard evidence that my beloved Red Sox had not, in fact, pissed away a game that they had clearly dominated through the first six innings (I could watch a lowlight reel of Giambi’s errors all day), I checked the box score, the play-by-play, even the photos. And that’s when I realized that this game couldn’t possibly have happened. No. In fact, there’s only conceivable explanation—I’ve gone back in time!

Now at least I can get some sleep. After all, I already know how this ends!

So we here at umpbump often fling emails around tossing out ideas for potential posts. Finally, this afternoon, umpbumper Paul couldn’t take it anymore and finally asked the question that had been on his mind all day:

From: Paul Moro

To: Umpbump Staff

So, is anybody going to say anything about Bonds???

The following email thread ensued…

From: Nick Kapur

To: Umpbump Staff

I actually like the fact that we have collectively been totally silent on Bonds. I think that speaks volumes.

I saw that Bonds homered last night. I watched the video. I felt nothing. I went to bed.

From: Paul Moro

To: Umpbump Staff

That was pretty much my reaction too. I just don’t understand why we should care about Bonds to THIS degree. I have been all bonds-ed out for quite some time. Not sure why I should care any more now that the record has fallen. The sky is still blue, the grass is still green, Stephen Hawking is still smart, and baseball is still baseball. But a tornado in brooklyn this morning? Now that’s something different.

From: Alejandro Leal

To: Umpbump Staff

I just felt bad for Barry’s kid. He got no love from his pops… he just stood there at home plate… alone…

From: Sarah Green

To: Umpbump Staff

What is there really to say about Barry that hasn’t been said before? Douchebag, cheater, lightning rod, scapegoat, and owner of the all-time home run record. Former skinny five-tool player and charter member of the 500-500 club turned swollen mutant cyborg. Yawn.

From: Nick Kapur

To: Umpbump Staff

We still haven’t heard from Coley. Anything to add, Ward?

From: Coley Ward

To: Umpbump Staff

Barry Bonds can suck it.