Time for another addition of fantasy fun. In this chapter, Paul returns from Japan, Sarah clinches a playoff birth, Alejandro squeaks by and Coley accepts his fate.
Sarah: The Somerville Green Sox clinched a playoff spot this week with a resounding 12-0 win over the long-dormant “caitlin grace” squad, who is apparently so lazy she cannot even capitalize her team name, much less be bothered to alter her roster–her active roster still includes Victor Martinez (DL), Khalil Greene (DL), Casey Kotchman (NA), Rafael Furcal (DL), Chris Young (DL), Dustin McGowan (DL), and Franklin Morales (NA). But hey, I ain’t complainin’. My team was smokin’ hot this week, racking up 7 saves, 117 total bases, 52 K’s, and so on. Plus my averages were pretty good too: .352 OBP, 2.51 ERA, 1.03 WHIP, 3.25 K/BB. The only scary moment came when Ian Kinsler flirted with season-ending surgery (he’s now set to return to the lineup sometime early in September). I’ve picked up Mike Aviles in the meantime. Hot: Everyone, but especially Vernon Wells. Not: No one. There were only people who were slightly less than totally scorching. It was that kind of week.
Coley: I know how my team is bad. I just can’t figure out why. Why was this the season when Aaron Harang went from reliable horse to hittable mule? Why did Josh Beckett and Carlos Lee have to get injured as soon as I traded for them? Why did Brett Myers and Oliver Perez start so terribly? And why does my team, which is probably the strongest team I’ve ever had on paper, continue to lose? How can a pitching staff with Beckett, Harden, Dice-K and a resurgent Myers be so bad? How can an offense led by Alfonso Soriano, Hanley Ramirez, Mark Teixeira, Connor Jackson and Vlad Guerrero be so meh? I will be forever haunted by this fantasy season. Hot: Bengie Molina, Mark Teixeira, Vlad Guerrero, Rich Harden, Brett Myers. Not: Brandon Lyon, Jason Giambi.
Paul: Be honored. I just got back to my apartment after being in Japan for the last week. And what do I do first? I come to my laptop and type up my (albeit belated) fantasy post. And while I do love my fantasy baseball, I have to admit that I paid no mind at all this past week since I just didn’t have the time to be changing lineups and checking results. And whenever I’m in Japan, my priority first and foremost is food. Lots and lots of food. Anyhow I just saw the results from this past week about ten minutes ago and I was pleasantly surprised that my team didn’t need any attention whatsoever, winning my week 11-1 against Ania and her team with the really long name. But it’s a bummer that both Justin Duchscherer and George Sherrill hit the DL without me knowing. Now I’ve gotta play some catch-up on the waiver wire. Word to your mutha. Hot: Brian Roberts, David Wright, Matt Holliday, Cliff Lee. Not: Kosuke Fukudome, Troy Tulowitzki, my team’s necessity for a manager that pays attention.
Alejandro: Another week, another narrow victory over one of the two cellar-dwelling teams in the UmpBump Fantasy League. Freebase my balls is second to last, and only because caitlin grace (what’s up with inproper capitalization guys?) doesn’t bother anymore. And still, my Center Field Stud barely wins 6-5. It was so bad, I lost in the Stolen Base category 2-1. The offense was there, especially now that I know Alexei Ramirez will win ROTY (yes, Paul, Longoria posted the numbers, but he’s hurt). I have a hole in left field since Carl Crawford went down, and Garret Anderson’s hit streak is useless in our league. A big shout out to Mike Pelfrey who pitched two consecutive complete games (even though the second one counts towards this week). Hot: A.J. Pierzynksi, Alexei Ramirez, Jermaine Dye (live and die by the White Sox, eh CF Stud?), Yunel Escobar, Tim “no contest” Lincecum, Manny Parra, Mike Pelfrey, Kerry Wood, B.J. Ryan. Not: Jon Garland, Vicente Padilla, Garret Anderson, Josh Hamilton, Magglio Ordoñez.
Sarah: A 7-4 win over croutchyoldman catapulted the Green Sox into third place in the league. It has been a long, arduous week of lineup-setting, with many of my players day-to-day with injuries (Ryan Braun, Jacoby Ellsbury, Carlos Guillen) and with Rickie Weeks losing out on some playing time to Ray Durham. (And to top things off, Weeks hurt his thumb yesterday.) I ended up adding Marlon Byrd back to my roster (after he cleared waivers since I dropped him a few days earlier) because the rash of injuries meant I was having trouble fielding a full squad. Hot: Russell Martin, Ian Kinsler, Xavier Nady, Troy Glaus, Matt Kemp, Pedro Martinez, Roy Oswalt, Jensen Lewis, Johnny Cueto. Not: Justin Verlander, Andy Pettitte, J.D. Drew, everyone who got injured.
Paul: In and of itself, fantasy baseball is not the least bit scary. But this past week, I was terrified. It was as if I was being chased by an army of Nazgul with the Ford of Bruinen still miles away. And if the previous sentence made any sense to you whatsoever, please let me know or else I will feel very alone indeed. Anyhow, in this scenario, the Nazgul came in the form of Sooze (freebase my balls), whose team was in last place and was 64 games behind me going into the week. But then, something happened. Her team caught fire, and mine struggled. For me, Jim Thome, Shane Victorino, and Troy Tulowitzki had subpar numbers while Sooze has Mike Cameron, Carlos Pena, Jeff Kent, Raul Ibanez, and Delmon Young, all of whom had performances that my guys couldn’t match. Throw in the fact that her pitchers had a 2.75 ERA and 1.04 WHIP, and I found myself in trouble against the last place team. Hence, the fear. The fear of being mocked, ridiculed, derided, and other similar words that just aren’t coming to me at the moment. But of all people, it was Arizona’s Chris Young’s contributions that allowed me to squeak by 6-5-1. Chris, you’ve been missing the entire season. Glad you joined the party. Hot: Kevin Youkilis, Chris B. Young, C.C. Sabathia, Cliff Lee, Scott Kazmir. Not: Troy Tulowitzki, Shane Victorino, Jim Thome, Scott Baker.
Coley: The good news: I won this week 8-4. The bad news: staff ace Josh Beckett bombed again and it’s clear that something is horribly wrong. I’m guessing he’ll go on the DL soon. That means I’ll be without Carlos Lee and Beckett, two of my big late season additions. Hot: Hanley Ramirez, Mark Teixeira. Not: Beckett.
Alejandro: What a crock. After having a commanding lead all week, I end up squeezing by Montefusco’s Revenge with a 5-4 victory, and only because we tied in three categories. My blockbusters have neither helped nor hurt, as my team inches along keeping pace with Sarah’s Somerville Green Sox, Hamilton collects RBIs like a driving range tractor collects golf balls, but it didn’t necessarily help this week as Montefusco’s stumped me 46-31. I’m very glad however, one Alexei Ramirez is making the strongest case for Rookie of the Year in a long while (don’t look now, but I called it). Other than him, Jermaine Dye keeps on keeping on with a strong year. Come to think of it, the blockbusters have hurt, as Todd Jones and Carl Crawford hit the DL, prompting me to pick up Garret Anderson. If it’s going to slow down my team, instead of guarantee a win, like it did this week, I’m toast in the playoffs. Hot: Alexei Ramirez, Jermaine Dye, Josh Hamilton, A.J. Pyerzinski (I need to stop relying on White Sox players), Tim “Just give me that Cy Young already” Lincecum, Mike Pelfrey, Kerry Wood, B.J. Ryan, John Danks. Not: Manny “Prince’s bitch” Parra, Garret Anderson, Dan Uggla, Yunel Escobar.
Standings (games behind):
The trade deadline for the UmpBump Fantasy League was this past weekend. So now, for better or worse, the waiver wire becomes our best friend. Sarah and Alejandro are smacking each other around vying for 4th place while Coley’s beginning to sound suicidal. And Paul is still busy picking a fight with the Chinese government. It’s a wacky, wacky world but someone’s gotta live in it.
Paul: Luck could have been a lady. Or a dude. Or a “hermaphrodite lady-man-lady”. Doesn’t matter because she/he/it was definitely on my side this week. After Billy Wagner went on the DL, I picked up the much beleaguered Aaron Heilman on Tuesday night since he was getting first crack at the closer gig. And since free agents don’t join your team until the following day, his debacle that night (1/3 inning, 2 hits, 1 walk, 1 HR, 3ER) didn’t count against me. I then worried for a bit that this was a very quick end to his closing duties but decided to first see how Mets manager Jerry Manuel played his hand before reacting prematurely. This proved to be the best course of action as Heilman got the phantom win on Thursday night following a David Wright walk-off dinger, followed by a two inning save on Friday and somehow still being called upon for the successful save on Saturday night. And seeing as I won saves 5-3 and wins 5-4, I may not have won either category had I assumed the worst and dropped Heilman just as soon as I had picked him up. So by not doing anything, I was able to beat Kirk’s team (Montefusco’s Revenge) 9-3, and in the process expanded my lead to 13 games. On a related note, my ego is now equal to the size of a 12-year old Chinese gymnast’s neck (Ban us). Hot: David Wright, Jhonny Peralta, Matt Holliday, C.C. Sabathia, Aaron Heilman, Cliff Lee. Not: Marcus Thames (dropped), Adam Dunn, Jered Weaver, Huston Street, Justin Duchscherer, Scott Kazmir.
Coley: I needed a big win this week, and instead I got a tie. I’m not feeling too glass-is-half-full about it. I’m also not super stoked that Carlos Lee is out for the year with a broken finger and Orlando Hudson is having surgery on his dislocated wrist. I think I’ll be playing for pride from here on out. Hot: Jason Giambi, Carlos Lee, Vlad Geurrero. Not: Garry Sheffield.
Alejandro: Well if you don’t beat caitlin grace by a 12-0 score, then you might as well think of it as a loss. I did manage to beat caitlin, but by a very competitive 7-4 mark. Nothing that would propell me to the top of the standings in a matter of days. But what can you do when about 20% of her total RBI production was the work of one man, Nick Markakis? Nothing, because I lost by a mere 3 RBI, and that’s taking into account the five RBI that Josh Hamilton collected. Oh, and you know what else you can’t do? You can’t stay away from the fantasy boards for more than a couple of days, lest you miss Chipper Jones coming back from the DL and hitting a home run. Yea, I missed it. Ugh. Hot: Carlos Delgado, Yunel Escobar, Aaron Rowand, Jermaine Dye, Josh Hamilton, Magglio Ordoñez, Tim Lincecum (Cy Young), B.J. Ryan, John Danks. Not: Gavin Floyd (9.64 ERA), Mike Pelfrey (6.35 ERA), Vicente Padilla (9.00 ERA), A.J Pierzynski.
Sarah: My Somerville Green Sox collected another win this week, this time an 8-3 victory over Pirates in 08!. Is it wrong to be greedy? It would’ve been 8-2 if I had played Troy Glaus on Saturday, when he collected three hits–two of them home runs–and five ribbies. I also left Rickie Weeks on the bench on Wednesday, when he ended up going 4 for 5 with 2 RBI and a run. Anyway, I was a flurry of activity on the transaction front this week, so much so that I can no longer quite keep track of what I did. To sum up: Rafael Soriano and Rafael Perez both got dropped; David Murphy got DL’ed; Eddie Kunz and Marlon Byrd both got added and dropped; and Brad Ziegler and Jensen Lewis both got added. And it’s not over yet; now I have to figure out who to drop to make room for Vernon Wells, fresh off the DL himself. Hot: Jacoby Ellsbury (again! yes!), Xavier Nady, Stephen Drew, Matt Cain, Roy Oswalt, Brian Wilson. Not: Andy Pettitte, Johnny Cueto (who fortunately manages to rack up K’s even when he’s ice-cold), Russell Martin, James Loney.
Standings (games behind):
It’s down to the wire in UmpBump’s fantasy league. Paul continues to run away with first place, but can Sarah and Alejandro hang on long enough to make the playoffs? And is there any hope for Coley’s team?
Sarah: This is one of those sad weeks where you’re happy just to escape with a 7-4 loss. My team had probably its worst week of the entire season. The really annoying thing is, I could have picked up at least one more category if I hadn’t spent most of yesterday in the car. Xavier Nady was on my bench, and ended up going 4 for 5 with 6 RBI, a homer, and 8 total bases. JD Drew was on my roster, but didn’t play. D’oh. On the bright side, I’m still hanging in there in the standings. Hot: Xavier Nady, JD Drew, Stephen Drew, David Murphy, Matt Kemp, Matt Cain, Carlos Marmol, Brian Wilson. Not: Cody Ross (who I dropped to take Roy Oswalt off the DL), Jacoby Ellsbury, Ian Kinsler, Andy Pettitte, Justin Verlander, Joel Zumaya.
Paul: If you have an offensive explosion but your opponent hasn’t been paying any attention for weeks, did it actually happen? I’m not much for rhetorical questions but I did find myself wondering how humiliating it would be if I had lost my match-up this week against caitlin grace, who I’m convinced hasn’t changed her lineup or roster since the Taft administration. Her team currently consists of six players who are on the DL but remain active on her team. And that doesn’t even include Franklin Morales, who’s currently in AAA but is sitting on this team’s bench anyway. Yet, she had me worried. Thanks to sparkling outings from Chris Young and Matt Garza on Caitlin’s side, and the Singaporean caning that Cliff Lee, Jered Weaver, Hiroki Kuroda and Scott Baker received for me this week, I was not exactly sitting pretty. But a good offense always beats good pitching. Or was it the other way around? Either way, these old axioms are stupid. My team slugged out 17 HRs, knocked in 48 RBIs, scored 48 runs, and had 151 TBs to win the week 8-4. Hot: Kevin Youkilis, Matt Holliday, and pretty much every hitter not named David Wright or 
Marcus Thames. Not: David Wright, Marcus Thames, and pitchers weighing under 300lbs (you done good, C.C.).
Coley: I think it’s getting close to time to throw in the towel. I love my team, but even when the Crunkball All-Stars play well, they still find ways to lose (Josh Beckett, what happened to you, bro?). There’s only one thing left to do – a team name change. It’s a desperate move, sure, but this is a pretty desperate situation. So, without further ado, let me introduce my new fantasy team: St. Jude’s Club – Jude being the patron saint of lost causes who is often pictured holding a club. Hot: Alfonso Soriano, Chone Figgins, Rich Harden. Not: Josh Beckett, CJ Wilson.
Alejandro: It never fails. Every year I make a flurry of blockbuster moves to solidify my position and boost my performance down the stretch, and it never 
works. The difference this year is that the Center Field Stud was actually moving up the standings in relentless fashion – until, of course, all the trades. Because of that, croutchyoldman handed me a whipping, spanking the Stud 11-1. My lone victory came in the form of saves. And really, I wasn’t even close in the other categories, the offense slumped, Josh Hamilton (the big RBI guy) only had 3 (three!!), Chipper Jones went back on the DL, Aaron Rowand is in a funk, and the rest are just average. And don’t get me started on the pitching; 6 out of the 8 active pitchers posted ERAs over 3.50, which is dreadful in fantasy baseball. Ugh. Hot: Tim Lincecum, Gavin Floyd, Alexei Ramirez, Josh Hamilton (sure, no RBI, but homeruns, TBs, Runs), Dan Uggla (HIS NAME IS DAAN UGGLA!). Not: Magglio Ordoñez, Aaron Rowand, Josh Fields, Manny Parra, Mike Pelfrey.
Standings (games behind):
The playoff picture is starting to form already in the UmpBump league, with seven teams vying for the six postseason births… And the only UmpBump writer currently out of the picture is Coley… But the huge deal he made with Alejandro this past week coupled with the return of Alfonso Soriano to his lineup could make the Crunkball All-Stars a juggernaut the rest of the way. So what happened this week? Read on!
Paul: As of last night, I was down 5-7 against the croutchy old man himself, aka croutchyoldman (Larry). 
This morning, I sat down at my computer and contemplated how I could frame my defeat in a positive light. “Think of the orphans”, I said to myself. “Don’t let them see you dejected. Don’t let them see you cry. It would frighten them. Because you know how incredibly scrunched up your face gets when you cry. You look like a shar-pei. It’s really quite ugly.” Determined to take defeat graciously, I checked the final numbers to write this post. Turns out that I won. Flipped the score 7-5 as I picked up 3 saves last night to take the category 6-5, and somehow also overtook him in K/BB ratio as well. I was pretty much dominated in the offensive categories, only taking OBP. But I also ended up sweeping the pitching categories. And now I can look those (imaginary) orphans in the face and tell them, “Look at me. This is how a man celebrates when he wins. He gloats uncontrollably, unnecessarily makes others feel badly, and comes out the other side a lesser being.” And that, my friends, is going to feel good. Hot: David Wright, Matt Holliday, C.C. Sabathia, Cliff Lee, Trevor Hoffman, Scott Kazmir, Shane Victorino. Not: Geovany Soto, Brian Roberts, Marcus Thames, Hiroki Kuroda, Justin Duchscherer.
Sarah: After getting off to a hot start earlier this week, my team cooled, so I have to content myself with a 5-5 tie against Scott’s team, Utley’s Firm Quads. And by “content myself” 
I mean “seethe inwardly.” And who do I blame? Why, the Yankees, of course. I was handily winning nearly all the pitching categories before Scott’s Joba Chamberlain shut out the Red Sox Friday night, but that, combined with a horrendous outing by my own Justin Verlander, tipped the pitching scale in his favor. Then the Yankees just had to beguile the poor Pittsburgh Pirates with their evil mind tricks, convincing them to give up both of their most coveted players in exchange for what amounted to New York’s spare parts. Of course, I owned both Damaso Marte and Xavier Nady. Since Marte won’t be closing for New York, he was now useless to me, and I and about 10,000 other Yahoo! fantasy owners dropped him. (I picked up Carlos Marmol in his place.) For his part, Nady was pulled after one inning of Thursday night’s game—of course, I’d already put him in my lineup—and is 0 for 7 with a caught stealing since joining the Yankees. The New York Yankees, ladies and gentlemen: screwing over both my real team AND my fantasy team in one weekend! Thank you, thank you very much. Hot: James Loney, Carlos Guillen, Ian Kinsler (who has now become a can’t-drop player!), Rickie Weeks (now that the Brewers have acquired Ray Durham), Ryan Braun, Matt Kemp. Not: Jacoby Ellsbury, Justin Verlander.
Alejandro: It’s been a week of moves at the Center Field Stud. I decided to pull off my second blockbuster, sending Hanley Ramirez to Crunkball All Stars (Coley) for a myriad of talent: Yunel Escobar, Carl Crawford, Todd Jones, and John Danks. Will the dearth of offensiveness that was Ramirez hurt the Stud? I doubt it, he was producing RBIs like a machine, but I now have the league leader in RBIs. Plus, Carl Crawford’s on the upswing and Yunel’s production can only help (however little it may be). I did shore up my bullpen by acquiring another closer plus a solid starter that can post a very low ERA. Something that had become an issue with my other rotation guys. At any rate, Carlos Delgado continues to be my hot pickup, posting a whopping 20 TB, collecting a massive 10 RBI and mashing 4 home runs. FIRST BASE STUD! Hot: A.J. Pierzynski, Carlos Delgado, Alexei Ramirez, Jermaine Dye, Magglio Ordóñez (boy glad he’s back), Hanley Ramirez (Adios Hanley), Tim Lincecum (no wins, but 13 Ks and a 2.57 ERA is hot), Mike Pelfrey (hot pickup). Not: Jon Garland, Vicente Padilla, Gavin Floyd, Chipper Jones, Alex Gordon, Aaron Rowand, Dan Uggla (let’s say lukewarm).
Coley: Did I give up too much to get Hanley Ramirez? Maybe, but I don’t think so. I gave up Carl Crawford’s 23 stolen bases, but I inherited Hanley’s 24. That’s a push. I gave up Crawford’s eight homers, but I inherited Ramirez’s 24. Advantage: Ramirez. I also gave up Yunel Escobar, who would have been relegated to bench duty with the addition of Ramirez. No big loss. I traded John Danks, who has decent numbers but doesn’t strike out many batters. Is Danks really that much better than Clayton Kershaw, who I picked up on waivers this morning? Is he better than Jered Weaver, who hit waivers yesterday? As for Todd Jones, he was one of five closers on my team, so I could afford to part with him. Unfortunately, despite all my wheeling and dealing, I still managed to lose 5-7 this week. It didn’t help that I was moving into a new house and forgot to set my lineup, thus missing out on a start from Josh Beckett. Maybe this just isn’t my year. Hot: Benjie Molina, Connor Jackson, Mark Teixeira, Rich Harden. Not: Jack Cust, Tim Wakefield, Garry Sheffield.
So the blockbuster trade did not translate to victory for Crunkball this week. But today begins another matchup! Stay tuned next week, same bat time, same bat channel, for more exciting adventures of the UmpBump fantasy baseball league! (Or not. It’s OK.)
Standings (games behind):
It was a condensed fantasy week, what with the All Star break and all, but the results had a big impact on our standings—and our rosters.
Sarah: My Somerville Green Sox whupped Coley’s Crunkball All Stars, 7-4, mostly thanks to the pitching categories. My hurlers were no great shakes, but Coley’s got shellacked. Anyway, as a result of the win, I jumped from 6th to 4th place in our league—despite falling from 17 games behind to 20. I’ll take it. Hot: Andy Pettitte, Ryan Braun, Troy Glaus, James Loney, Matt Kemp. Not: Ian Kinsler (that has to be a first), Jacoby Ellsbury (le sigh), Brian Wilson.
Coley: I did indeed get smoked this week. But let’s not dwell on the past. Let’s look ahead to the future, which is bright after I made yet another blockbuster trade, this time sending Josh Hamilton and Jered Weaver to Alejandro for Josh Beckett, Carlos Lee and Conor Jackson. I love this trade. I dealt Hamilton at his peak value, only a couple of days after his home run derby heroics. Weaver, meanwhile, offers more hype than hope and will struggle to reach 100 K’s this season. In return I get an RBI machine (Lee), an OBP machine (Jackson) and an ace pitcher (Beckett). But that’s not all. Losing Hamilton and inheriting Lee and Jackson left me with an excess of corner outfielders, but no center fielder. So I turned around and traded Brandon Philips for Alfonso Soriano, who comes off the DL this week. That left me with a vacancy at second base, so I shifted Chone Figgins from third base to second. Now I have a hole at third. I could pick up Scott Rolen or Hank Blalock off the scrap heap. But, more than likely, I’ll make yet another blockbuster trade. Stay tuned! Hot: Mark Teixeira. Not: all of my starting pitchers.
Paul: It’s not too uncommon for me to get stopped on the streets of Manhattan by fans. Oh, not fans of UmpBump. Just, fans of ME. And a lot of them have asked, “Paul, you have so many fantasy baseball skills. How do you not let that go to your head? How can you possibly remain so grounded and approachable?” And every time, I’ll answer honestly and gently from atop my diamond-encrusted, gold-plated throne made from the only known remnants of the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, telling them “I don’t know. I just don’t know”. And that humility isn’t going to change just because I won yet again this past week. Yes, Pirates in ‘08 (Bryan) were vanquished 11-1. David Wright led the offense, followed closely by Marcus Thames, Adam Dunn, and Matt Holliday, as all four had two homers a piece in this break-shortened week. And the pitching side was strong as well, with Justin Duchscherer, Scott Baker, Cliff Lee, C.C. Sabathia, and Ted Lilly all pitching well during their starts. At this rate, my modesty is REALLY going to be tested very soon. In fact, I think I’ll have to become the man I was destined to be – the most modestest organism (living, dead, or imagined) ever to have walked, swam, breathed, skipped, or frolicked on this planet or any other. I have enough confidence in myself to do this (PS: I hate myself). Hot: David Wright, Adam Dunn, Marcus Thames, C.C. Sabathia, Scott Baker. Not: Hiroki Kuroda, Shane Victorino, Geovany Soto.
Alejandro: A short week with lots of surprises. I don’t think the narrow 6-5-1 victory is reflective of how my team will perform in the second half; however, I’m not standing pat. I traded for Josh Hamilton (even though I think i broke the bank: Carlos Lee and Conor Jackson) to amp my RBI production. I gave up Josh Beckett too simply because he has been getting tagged for too many runs, no matter how many K’s he collects (though I should’ve checked Jered Weaver’s ERA before hitting the accept trade button). WIll my quest to get better RBI production be shot by giving away two hot hitters for the league-leader in RBI’s? We shall find out. Hot: Carlos Delgado, Aaron Rowand, Conor Jackson, Manny Parra, Billy Wagner, Vicente Padilla (way to go kid). Not: Josh Beckett, Mike Pelfrey, Tim Lincecum.
Standings (games behind):
The latest triumphs and defeats in the UmpBump fantasy league.
Sarah: Alejandro’s Centerfield Stud went head-to-head against my Somerville Green Sox last week, and I decided to talk a little smack right off the bat. “More like Centerfield Dud!” I quipped, prompting Alejandro to reply, “Really? After one day?” But the Green Sox finished just as strong as they started, leading to a 10-2 whupping, winning everything but saves and OBP. (And I came within .005 of taking OBP too.) Not content to rest on my laurels, however, I made some moves to ensure future success. Clayton Kershaw, on whom I used a waiver priority not too long ago, has been banished to the minors and isn’t likely to be recalled in time to be of much use to me. I dropped him and picked up reliever Damaso Marte, who has been pitching well and getting save opportunities with Pittsburgh’s Matt Capps DLed until September. And with Vernon Wells hitting the DL—again!—I picked up Marlins outfielder Cody Ross, who doesn’t have a great OBP (only .316) but who at least hits some homers and is swinging the bat well right now. Hot: Matt Kemp, Ryan Braun, Troy Glaus, David Murphy, J.D. Drew, Ian Kinsler, Justin Verlander, Andy Pettitte, Matt Cain, Pedro Martinez. Not: Brian Wilson, Xavier Nady, James Loney, Stephen Drew.
Alejandro : I knew it. I knew a week like this was inevitable. It was only a matter of time before all the injuries came to back to bite me and sure enough, this week was it. Dan Uggla was AWOL, Chipper Jones was hobbled, and Conor Jackson still can’t shake off the injury bug. I had decent weeks from the rest of the team, but it was no match for the Somerville Green Sox. It also doesn’t help that one of my stud starters, Gavin Floyd, decided to melt in the hot Texas air and give up five runs in 2.2 innings for a very elevated 20.65. Oh and Jon Garland joined in the 20+ earned runs party with 23.63 of his own. But I’m sure the Center Field Stud will put this week behind and keep on surging towards first place. Hot : Carlos Delgado (hot pick-up), Hanley Ramirez, Jermaine Dye (slump breaker), Tim Lincecum (when is he not?), Billy Wagner. Not : Gavin Floyd, Jon Garland, Josh Beckett (9.00 ERA?)
Paul: Dun-de-de-dun-de-de-dun-de-de-dun-dun-duuuun-duuuuuuuuuuuuun! That, my friends, is the theme song to “Bonanza”! I simply cannot think of a tune that more accurately expresses my feeling of victory. I slayed the Swamp Dragons (Doug) by the score of 9-2-1. And he was 
slimy. Oh yes, he was slimy. My offense did most of the work, winning all six categoties – and the only one that was close was stolen bases. Kevin Youkilis smacked in 10 RBIs (thanks to his 6 RBI game on June 12th), and was matched by Jhonny Peralta. Adam Dunn only got on base four times all week, but they actually all turned out to be dingers, which is nice. And Shane Victorino turned in a finely balanced week – 6 R, 2HR, 6 RBI, 1 SB, 23 TB, .452 OBP. On the transaction front, I got tired of waiting for Edwin Encarnacion to come around (I really expected him to do well this year) so I dropped him in favor of Marcus Thames, who I was surprised to see was still readily available. On the mound, the pitchers did pretty well although the Swamp Dragons put up a very good fight. Despite a respectable ERA (3.24) and WHIP (1.23), those were the two categories I dropped. Scott Kazmir has slowed down since his torrid start which was bound to happen. Ted Lilly got his junk knocked around violently. But enough guys like the incredibly underappreciated Scott Baker, Cliff Lee, and Justin Duchscherer did their part to limit the damage. And welcome to the National League, C.C. Sabathia! I think you’ll like the hitters in the NL Central just fine. Hot: Kevin Youkilis, Jhonny Peralta, Shane Victorino, Jim Thome, Justin Duchscherer, C.C. Sabathia, Cliff Lee. Not: Kosuke Fukudome, Scott Kazmir, Ted Lilly.
Coley : Another week, another loss. At least this one was close. Utley’s Firm Quads beat me 7-5. He took all the offensive categories, except for steals, and I took all the pitching categories, except for WHIP and K/BB. And I only lost WHIP by .07. Obviously, I need to add some offense. My .260 OBP this week was sad. At least my team is fast. Josh Hamilton, in addition to knocking in 11 RBI last week, also stole three bases. I saw Hamilton tag up and go from first to second on a fly ball to center during a Cactus League game this spring and it was the fastest I’d seen anyone move in a long time. I think he could probably steal 30 bases a season, if he wasn’t so busy hitting homers and breaking home run derby contest records. Hot : Josh Hamilton, Jack Cust, Rich Harden, Dice-K. Not : Mark Teixeira, Brandon Phillips, Yunel Escobar, Carl Crawford, Garry Sheffield.
Standings (games behind):
This was a week of hot, UmpBump-on-UmpBump action in our fantasy league. Sarah and Paul went head-to-head, as did Coley and Alejandro. Who won and who lost? And will the tensions destroy UmpBump as we know it?
Sarah: I lost 6-3 to Paul this week after leading 10-2 as late as Thursday. Many of our categories were close:
And yet my team is sinking like a stone in our standings. I feel alone and confused. Hot: Roy Oswalt, Matt Cain, Johnny Cueto (my pitching! finally!), Russell Martin, Xavier Nady, James Loney, J.D. Drew, Matt Kemp, Troy Glaus. Not: the Fates.
Paul:The “smack talk” quote from my Yahoo avatar was stuck on “Things are not going well” since the middle of last week. And they really weren’t. So I was very surprised to see that my team had actually come back from the depths to kick some Massachusetts butt. Yes, ElDuequesInjuryReport defeated Sarah’s Somerville Green Sox by a score of 6-3-2, but in her defense, it was a lot closer than that. In fact, both our teams had great offensive weeks that probably would have kicked the snot out of most other teams in any given week. It just so happened that we played each other while it was happening. Ain’t baseball grand? But there just haven’t been many weeks when Jhonny Peralta has produced so it was nice to take advantage of it. But the real superstar for the week was Matt Holliday who posted great numbers across the board (8 runs, 3 HRs, 10 RBIs, 3SBs, 22 TBs and .500 OBP).That’s just ridonculous. Hot: Geovany Soto, Brian Roberts, David Wright, 
Jhonny Peralta, Matt Holliday. Not: Kosuke Fukudome, Scott Kazmir.
Coley: My fantasy team lost. But on the plus side, that was probably just because I was too busy proposing to my girlfriend. Unfortunately, the Crunkball All-Stars got thrashed by Alejandro’s team. Again. But fortunately, Suz said yes. So on balance, it was a good week. Word. Hot: Brandon Phillips, Dice-K, my girlfriend. Not: Jack Cust.
Alejandro: I was internally chastised for not talking smack on my continuing surge from the cellar to the top of the standings, and since I made up some more ground this week (half a game, is some ground) I’ll proceed. The Center Field Stud is surging high and fast, watch out ElDuquesInjuryReport because there’s no stopping this. Last week my team faced some adversity with some key players being hurt; it’s tough to keep it up with three of the hottest hitters in the league, Dan 
Uggla, Magglio Ordoñez and Chipper Jones seeing some bench time (and DL time), but somehow, some way, I gave Coley’s Crunkball All-Stars a solid 8-4 whipping. I have to mention Alexei Ramirez for a second consecutive week as the young Cuban rookie is making quite a push for ROTY honors, he hit two home runs, scored four runs and collected 13 bases; nothing spectacular, but in Uggla’s absence, anything counts. I made some pitching moves because I lost all faith in Mark Hendrickson (and his 9.00 ERA). Vicente Padilla is on the hot seat, so unless he bounces back or I manage to trade him, he gone. Hot: Hanley Ramirez (Mr. Untouchable), A.J. Pierzynksi, Carlos Delgado, Jermaine Dye, Carlos Lee, Tim Lincecum, Kerry Wood, Jon Garland. Not: Billy Wagner, B.J. Ryan, Vicente Padilla, Mark Hendrickson (he gone), Aaron Rowand.
Standings (games behind):
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Hot Tickets! |
November 8, 2009 - 12:25 pm
Here we go again. Time for another edition of our semi-annual “What They Need” series, where we play GM for all 30 teams. As usual, we’ll be suggesting subtle tweaks for some squads, and major overhalls for others. There’s already movement going on in the Hot Stove front, so there’s no time to waste!
Here’s a [...]
September 3, 2009 - 11:20 am
The 2003 Los Angeles Dodgers had one of the greatest pitching staffs the game of baseball has ever known. At the height of the steroids era, in a season when 104 players would test positive for performance enhancing drugs, the Dodgers hurlers posted a 3.16 ERA, good enough for an insane 128 team ERA+, and [...]
August 31, 2009 - 11:19 am
Okay, so at a time when most people are debating whether or not the Washington Nationals can even break .500 next season, this is going to sound more than a little crazy, but I think the Nats have an outside chance at contending next season.
I’m not saying it’s going to happen, but I am saying [...]
June 29, 2009 - 9:30 pm
We here at Umpbump have done quite a few all-time teams. We’ve also cataloged quite a series of Hot Baseball Wives. In this post, I will attempt the acrobatic feat of bridging the twain. Yes, reader: The All-Hot Team.
For reasons of attention span, or specifically, the lack of it, I am focusing on current major [...]
