It was lucky Week 13 in the UmpBump Fantasy League. Here’s what befell each of us:

Sarah: The Somerville Green Sox suffered a 9-2 beatdown at the hands of Box89RowKKSeat14, Ania’s team. Although, I have to say, neither of our offenses were very good this week. I only took the RBI category (by a single ribbie) and steals (which I won even though Jacoby Ellsbury hasn’t stolen a base since June 17). Of course, my pitching got lit up again, in what now feels like the norm for the Green Sox, especially Pedro Martinez, by the Yankees, and Matt Cain, by Cleveland. Thank the hardball gods that interleague play is over. Hot: Johnny Cueto, Ian Kinsler, Vernon Wells. Not: Martinez, Cain, Ellsbury, Clayton Kershaw, James Loney, Rickie Weeks.

Paul: This week shouldn’t have been as close a match-up as it ended up being between myself and my fantasy-challenged colleague, Coley Ward. My players racked up a .423 OBP to Coley’s paltry .326 and I won total bases 123-97. Despite this, I still lost runs scored, tied in home runs, and barely won RBIs. So I’m not sure if it was a successful week offensively speaking. It was a mixed bag on the pitching side as well, having a dominant week in my peripheral categories (0.97 WHIP and 3.92 K/BB) but not having those numbers translate into victories in wins or ERA. In short, it was a week that proved the sabermetric axiom regarding sample sizes. No matter how successfully you execute - whether it be by getting on base and hitting for extra bases for batters or walking few and striking out many for pitchers - over a short period of time you may not get the desired result. But if my team can keep dominating those very categories, then I will be just fine over the long haul. Oh, and I ended up winning the week 6-4-2. So… Maybe I shouldn’t be complaining. Hot: David Wright, Adam “I Hate Baseball SO MUCH” Dunn, Matt Holliday, C.C. Sabathia, Justin Duchscherer, Cliff Lee. Not: Greg Smith, Trevor Hoffman, Chris B. Young.

Coley : Paul shouldn’t be complaining. He was lucky I didn’t beat him this week. Josh Hamilton came to the plate yesterday afternoon with the bases loaded and a chance to win the RBI column for the Crunkball All-Stars, but he popped out. And that was ok, because it was still a 3-1 game between the Phillies and the Rangers, still a save situation, and I figured that meant I’d get a save out of either Brad Lidge or C.J. Wilson and I’d win saves for the week. Unfortunately, the Rangers scored three more runs that inning and Wilson came in and pitched in a non-save situation. So Paul, you got lucky. Hot : Mark Teixeira, Jered Weaver, Jair Jurrjens, Dice-K. Not : Chone Figgins, Brett Myers.

Alejandro: I checked the standings early Sunday morning and I found myself down in the count, but definitely not out. I was knocked around all week, was up and down, but kept my head up, and lo and behold, the results are in. My offense surged on its last day and over came the difference for a solid 8-4 victory that places me 4.5 games out of first place. Jermaine Dye (who’s been on a torrid tear) helped the White Sox sweep the Cubs (along side Alexei Ramirez, who’s having a solid season himself). It’ll be a tough week ahead, though, as Chipper Jones and Dan Uggla, and Magglio Ordoñez are hurt. Hot: Hanley Ramirez, Jermaine Dye, Alex Gordon (barely), Josh Beckett, Tim Lincecum, Kerry Wood, B.J. Ryan. Not: Vicente Padilla, Todd Wellemeyer, Eric Chavez, Hunter Pence, A.J. Pierzynski.

Standings (games behind):

1. Paul - ElDuquesInjuryReport ( - )
2. Alejandro - Center Field Stud ( 4.5 )
3. Scott - Utley’s Firm Quads ( 6 )
4. Doug - Swamp Dragons ( 8.5 )
5. Sarah - Somerville Green Sox ( 14.5 )
6. Kirk - Montefusco’s Revenge ( 15 )
7. Ania - Box89RowKKSeat14 ( 20 )
8. Larry - croutchyoldman ( 27.5 )
9. Bryan - Pirates in ‘08! ( 29.5 )
10. Coley - Crunkball All-Stars ( 30 )
11. Caitlin - caitlin grace ( 32.5 )
12. Sooze - freebase my balls ( 34 )

Our league leader, Paul, suffered a stunning upset as Alejandro’s team continued its inexorable rise up the standings. Sarah’s took two steps forward but then, mysteriously, one step back. And Coley completed a major trade with his fellow cellar-dwellar. But will it be enough to catch Paul? And can Paul hold off Alejandro? Will Sarah ever figure out this “fantasy baseball” thing and achieve her true destiny? Like sands through the hourglass……so are the games of our lives.

Sarah: I finished the week with an unsatisfying 7-5 win. Why was it unsatisfying? Well, my opponent, Sooze, played the entire week with two empty spots in her lineup. And I was winning 8-2 on Sunday morning. At this point, I’m just not sure what to do about my pitching. I try to be smart. I try not to play my guys in situations where they seem doomed to fail. Like the struggling Johnny Cueto, who I benched yesterday because I figured if any situation was going to be hell for a floundering rookie, it would be going against the Yankee lineup while pitching for the very first time in Yankee Stadium. Of course, Cueto finished with seven K’s, no walks, and one run over five innings, scattering four hits. (An hourlong rain delay then cut his day short.) And yet then you figure it’s okay to run a wily veteran like Pedro Martinez out there against the Rockies (although I admit, I had my doubts about the aging Pedro in Coors Field), and he gets slammed for six earned runs in four and a third. So as your fantasy baseball rookie, I admit it: I’m completely lost. Any and all suggestions are welcome. Until then, I’ll just be banging my head against this obliging wall. Hot: J.D. Drew, James Loney, Ian Kinsler, Andy Pettitte. Not: Jacoby Ellsbury (no steals this week, leading to a rare loss of that category by the Green Sox), Brian Wilson, Pedro Martinez, Vernon Wells, Carlos Guillen.

Paul: I ran into a buzzsaw and its name was Alejandro. It wasn’t even close. Completely embarrassing. He won Runs 45-30. Total Bases 143-93. RBIs 50-29. HRs 18-4. 18-4!!! 18-to-freaking-4. And half of my dingers were hit by Kevin Youkilis yesterday. So I had 2 going into the last day of the week. And I have many people to thank for my team’s offensive ineptitude. I’d like to thank Adam Dunn for getting me two whole total bases and nothing else this week, thus proving that you really do love baseball more than anyone. And here’s to Geovany Soto for that lovely .174 OBP. Chris B. Young, I couldn’t have done it without you or your 5TBs and .222 OBP. And Shane Victorino! Your craptastic week also deserves some recognition. (On a side note, there’s a very interesting race going on between Young and Victorino to determine who will be the guy most likely to produce ONLY in games where I sit him on the bench. Looking like a photo finish.) Lastly, an Honorable Mention goes out to Interleague Play. Without you, Jim Thome probably would have had more than 3ABs over the past three days. So give yourself a round of applause, you pointless scheduling catastrophe. Peace, God. Hot: C.C. Sabathia, Cliff Lee, Justin Duchscherer, George Sherrill, Jhonny Peralta. Not: Interleague Play, Geovany Soto, Adam Dunn, Shane Victorino, Chris B. Young, Huston Street, my pride.

Alejandro: It’s a week for individuals. So I’ll be poised in celebrating my solid victory over first-place ElDuquesInjuryReport (aka, Paul). Not that I’m a good winner, but everything has to have moderation. You might as well call me lucky because my team won even though the red-hot Chipper Jones went down with an injury, and both the White Sox and Marlins had rough weekends. Remember, it’s a week of individuals. Jermaine Dye was pretty much the ChiSox offense for the last few games, racking up 28 total bases, 13 RBI, 5 home runs, and 7 runs. His OPB? .440 thank you very much. The rest of the White Sox offense was a collection of timely hits and home runs from A.J. Pierzynksi and Alexei Ramirez (both on my team). As for the Marlins, a guy who is basically carbon copy of Hanley Ramirez broke out of his slump and… HIS NAME IS DAAAN UGGLA! Kid his hot! 22 total bases, 9 RBI, 4 home runs, 5 runs, and a very impressive .517 OBP. But again, I’ll be poised. I don’t completely doubt my team for this week, but I’m not expecting great things. Hot: Dan Uggla, Carlos Lee, Jermaine Dye, Billy Wanger, Kerry Wood, Gavin Floyd, Vicente Padilla. Not: Mark Hendrickson, Eric Chavez, Alexi Ramirez, Alex Gordon, Hunter Pence (bench-warmer).

Coley: My latest blockbuster trade involved me sending Jorge Posada, Carlos Pena and Jay Bruce to Sooze for Mark Teixeira and Jack Cust. Teixeira had a totally silent week this week. Until Sunday, that is, when he hit three homers. It wasn’t quite enough to put me over the top. I still lost to Box89RowKKSeat14 7-5, but it’s encouraging to think that Tex might be heating up, because when he gets going he can carry a team, fantasy or otherwise. Also, Vlad Guerrero looks like he’s finally broken out of his season long slump. But it’s hard to tell – everyone looks good when they’re hitting against Kyle Kendrick. Hot: Vlad Guerrero, Carl Crawford, Mark Teixeira, Greg Maddux, John Danks. Not: Carlos Delgado, Jack Cust, Dice-K, C.J. Wilson.

Standings (games behind)

1. Paul - ElDuquesInjuryReport ( - )
2. Scott - Utley’s Firm Quads ( 3 )
3. Alejandro - Center Field Stud ( 5.5 )
4. Doug - Swamp Dragons ( 6.5 )
5. Sarah - Somerville Green Sox ( 10 )
6. Kirk - Montefusco’s Revenge ( 19.5 )
7. Ania - Box89RowKKSeat14 ( 22.5 )
8. Bryan - Pirates in ‘08! ( 23 )
9. Larry - croutchyoldman ( 26.5 )
10. Coley - Crunkball All-Stars ( 28 )
11. Caitlin - caitlin grace ( 31.5 )
12. Sooze - freebase my balls ( 34 )

Week 11 of UmpBump.com’s fantasy league has come to a close and some trends have come and gone, while others are here to stay. Alejandro lost for the first time in 6 weeks, Paul stays on top edging a few half games more over the rest of the pack, and Utley’s Firm Quads keeps adding to his league-leading 44 moves. The mystery of the week however is the whereabouts of one caitlin grace who managed to pull off a draw (a tie!!) with Swamp Dragons even though she has zero roster moves, and hasn’t altered her line up or rotation in a while.

Alejandro: I knew it! Well, all good things must come to an end, so my winning streak is now over. Though it was good while it lasted, it exposed a major weakness in my team: streaky hitters. My offense went down the tubes this week with all of my “studs” taking a leave of absence in production. I mean, how can I lose to a team with Casey Blake, Placido Polanco, MIke Lowell and Christian Guzman in the infield, and an injured Manny Ramirez? Well, you start with horrible performances by Dan Uggla, Connor Jackson, AJ Pierzynski, Hanley Ramirez, etc, etc, etc. I only had two players with an .OBP higher than .500 this week, and only one of them fits into the “hot” category. My pitching gave me a fighting chance at overcoming the eventual 7-4 defeat, but a particularly disastrous week by one Todd Wellemeyer (a football-score-like 21.60 ERA) did me under. But you wanna know how bad my team was? I actually won in the ERA stat this week, which means Box89RowKKSeat14 caught my Center Field Stud at the wrong time. Ania, you got away this week! Hot: Carlos Lee, Josh Beckett (yes, Lindsay, 1w, 9ks, and 2.77 makes him hot), Tim Lincecum (Mr. Reliable), Kerry Wood. Not: The rest of ‘em.

Paul: In the kind of battle that will forever be compared to the one at Helm’s Deep (I hate myself sometimes), I took on the mighty forces of 2nd-place Utley’s Firm Quads (Scott). Having only been three games ahead going into last week, I began to wonder if my reign atop the standings would come to an end. But Hazzah! ElDuquesInjuryReport squeaked out a 6-5-1 victory. Offensively, there really wasn’t a star, but the players had enough decent performances to carry me through. On the pitching side, Ted Lilly and C.C. Sabathia combined to pitch 29 2/3 innings and gave up only 6 runs while striking out 29 guys and winning all four starts to boot. And I feel like we as a people aren’t doing enough to recognize the work of Justin Duchscherer this year. He’s not going to keep putting up Cy Young numbers, but he’s more than a solid option who deserves attention. Hot: Kevin Youkilis, Ted Lilly, C.C. Sabathia, Justin Duchscherer. Not: Jhonny Peralta, Shane Victorino, Chris B. Young, George Sherrill, Ryan Franklin.

Coley: Sooze and I battled to a tie this week. But we also exchanged a few players. And, I daresay I got the better end of the deal. I sent her Carlos Pena, Jorge Posada and Jay Bruce in exchange for Jack Cust and Mark Teixeira. I love this trade because my team’s OPB needed a boost and Cust is an OBP machine. And I desperately wanted an upgrade over Pena at 1B, and Teixeira fits the bill. Moreover, Tex is a notorious second-half player who’s in a contract year and I expect big things from him as the season winds down. Sure, it hurts to give up on Bruce, but my outfield was stacked (and remains so with the addition of Cust). And I was going to cut Posada anyways. In other news, Rich Harden has been stellar since I traded Todd Helton for him last week, knock on wood. Also Chone Figgins came off the DL and replaced Scott Rolen at third. And Dice-K is getting ready to return to the mound. Things are looking up. Hot: Harden, Brad Lidge, Vlad Guerrero. Not: Benjie Molina, C.J. Wilson, Brett Myers.

Sarah: I took some crap on our league message board this week for leaving Roy Oswalt and Andy Pettitte on the bench, only to have the two of them both turn in stellar outings. But what was I supposed to do? Last week I sent Pettitte out against the Royals, only to have him get shelled, and Roy Oswalt has been screwing the Somerville Green Sox all season long. As it was, I won, but only 7-5. And in the end, though I lost out on K/BB and strikeouts (by two whiffs!), I did win ERA, WHIP, and Wins. And on the offensive end, there’s been no hotter hitter over the last couple of weeks than JD Drew. He contributed three homers and a .500 OBP to the Green Sox last week. Hot: Drew, Troy Glaus, Matt Cain. Not: Johnny Cueto (what to do, what to do?!), Vernon Wells, Matt Kemp.

Standings (games behind)

1. Paul - ElDuquesInjuryReport ( - )
2. Scott - Utley’s Firm Quads ( 4.5 )
3. Doug - Swamp Dragons ( 5.5 )
4. Alejandro - Center Field Stud ( 9.5 )
5. Sarah - Somerville Green Sox ( 13 )
6. Bryan - Pirates in ‘08! ( 23 )
7. Kirk - Montefusco’s Revenge ( 24.5 )
8. Ania - Box89RowKKSeat14 ( 25.5 )
9. Coley - Crunkball All-Stars ( 29 )
10. Larry - croutchyoldman ( 29 )
11. Sooze - freebase my balls ( 35 )
12. Caitlin - caitlin grace ( 35.5 )

Our UmpBump Fantasy League is getting tighter and tighter in the standings. Comfortable leads are now slimming down. Two owners have already made a combined 93 roster moves. which may be a record. But then again, with so many notable players hitting the DL over the past week (John Smoltz, Ryan Zimmerman, David Ortiz, Carlos Pena, Rickie Weeks, Jeremy Bonderman, Aaron Hill, and the indispensable Clete Thomas), it’s looking like a necessity…

Alejandro: So how’s it going? Good? Well? Swell? Great, I’m fine; just dandy. D’you see those White Sox? Boy that Ozzie Guillen can really get under his team’s skin, and boy do they respond! Ok fine, I didn’t want to do it, but I guess I have to talk about my fantasy team. I’m so good I don’t wanna talk about it lest I jinx it. I was this close to losing in week 9, but last week I just brought it, and my Center Field Stud whopped freebase my balls (yes that’s the name) 11-1. That lone loss came as a result of a 2.91 ERA, which was obviously not enough to beat balls’ 2.59. But really, my offense was firing on all cylinders. I mean, I had guys on the bench who were racking up stats. My pitching was decent, B.J. Ryan blew a save and had a balloon-like 16.20 ERA (I wonder if that’s what prevented a perfect 12-0?). And Mark Hendrickson seems to be coming back to earth. Don’t look now, but that first place seems awfully close at 7.5 games ahead. Hot: Dan Uggla, Chipper Jones, Hanley Ramirez, Jermaine Dye, Josh Beckett, Tim Lincecum, Kerry Wood (hot!!), Gavin Floyd, Jon Garland. Notable mildness: Eric Chavez. Not: Mark Hendrickson, B.J. Ryan, Alex Gordon (trade anyone?).

Coley: This week my team put a 9-3 beat down on Montefusco’s Revenge, a feat that is made more amazing by the fact that I had to overcome Oliver Perez’s 162.00 ERA. Overcome it I did, and Perez is now on the waiver wire. That’s the good news. The bad news is that, moments after trading away Todd Helton for Rich Harden, Carlos Pena hit the DL. All of a sudden I found myself sans a first basemen AND an extra infielder. So I picked up Mark Teahen and Carlos Delgado and they’ll just have to do until Pena and Chone Figgins return from the DL. Now my only problem is what to do with Jorge Posada. He’s back and he’s looking healthy, but I am perfectly content with Bengie Molina. I’ve tried to trade Posada but so far there have been no takers. Should I cut him? I just can’t bring myself to do it. Hot: Milton Bradley, Johnny Damon, Yunel Escobar. Not: Oliver Perez, Brandon Phillips.

Sarah: The Green Sox took a 6-5 squeaker last week over team caitlin grace, who goes all-lowercase, e.e. cummings-style. Embarassingly, she’s last in our league, hasn’t logged in in nearly a month, and has made zero roster moves all season long. But a win is a win, and this one marked an important milestone for my team: I finally won the saves category. With John Smoltz out for the season, I’m hoping the Braves will give my Rafael Soriano a long leash. With Pedro Martinez coming off the DL, I spent much of the week trying to find a taker for a pitcher to clear a space on my roster, but had no luck. Then Vernon Wells came off the DL and Rickie Weeks went on, necessitating even more maneuvering. Ultimately, I dropped Dana Eveland, Hong Chih Kuo, and Santiago Casilla and added Joel Zumaya and Akinori Iwamura. Hot: J.D. Drew, David Murphy (though the poor kid never gets a chance to play for me—trade anyone?), Vernon Wells, Ian Kinsler, Troy Glaus. Not: Andy Pettitte (I thought it was safe to pitch him against the Royals!), Matt Cain, Jacoby Ellsbury.

Paul: My high school gym teacher, the legendary John Donodeo, used to say, “a tie is like kissing your sister!” Mr. Donodeo, that’s just gross. I really think I’d just rather tie. And so would 98% of god-fearing Americans (statistic not applicable in West Virginia, Alabama, Mississippi, and Philadelphia). But I did manage to pull off a draw this week against the team whose name is most difficult to type, Box89RowKKSeat14 (Ania). My offense was dominated but my pitching staff picked up the slack. That’s not to say that all my bats were silent. Brian Roberts, Edwin Encarnacion, and Shane Victorino did their best, but the only category I won on offense was Runs Scored. On the mound, the only pitcher who stumbled was Cliff Lee, and he still picked up a win despite allowing six runs in five innings (proof #876,329,861,734,896 that Wins are an arbitrary stat). But Scott Kazmir just keeps rolling. Have you seen just how good he’s been? He began the year late due to an injury, but since his return, he’s pitched 45 innings, averaging almost 10Ks per 9IP, less than 3 walks per 9, allowing a mere (but unsustainable) .22 HRs per game, a 0.91 WHIP and 1.40 ERA. On a totally, completely and utterly unrelated note, the Mets are 7.5 games back in the NL East and Victor Zambrano is sporting a 9.45 ERA. In Colorado Springs. AAA. Excuse me, I need to go get a tissue. Hot: Brian Roberts, Edwin Encarnacion, Shane Victorino, Trevor Hoffman, George Sherrill, Scott Kazmir. Not: Geovany Soto, David Wright, Jhonny Peralta, Cliff Lee.

Standings, with games behind:

1. Paul (ElDuquesInjuryReport) (0)
2. Scott (Utley’s Firm Quads) (3.5)
3. Doug (Swamp Dragons) (5)
4. Alejandro (Center Field Stud) (7.5)
5. Sarah (Somerville Green Sox) (13.5)
6. Kirk (Montefusco’s Revenge) (23)
7. Bryan (Pirates in 08!) (24.5)
8. Ania (Box89RowKKSeat14) (26.5)
9. Larry (croutchyoldman) (26.5)
10. Coley (Crunkball All Stars) (28.5)
11. Sooze (freebase my balls) (34.5)
12. Caitlin (caitlin grace) (35)

The fantasy season is now in its third month. How our teams—and their stars—did last week:

Sarah: I should have known. No sooner do I start crowing about my unstoppable offense than the fantasy baseball gods look down from their airy perches and decide to smite me for my hubris. The Somerville Green Sox hitters got off to such an anemic start this week that I was pleased just to escape with a 7-5 loss rather than the 10-2 drubbing that earlier seemed to be my fate. My pitchers reverted to their natural, awful state, but I hope that will change, as I used my waiver priority to pick up Clayton Kershaw. Yes, he promptly (and unsurprisingly, really) got rocked by the Mets, but I look forward to his games against the weaker NL offenses. I also revamped my closing staff, dumping part-time-sub Manny Acosta and bad juju-machine Eric Gagne in favor of Brian Wilson and Rafael Soriano. I’ve got more pitching moves to make in the near future, as Pedro Martinez, who I picked up ages ago, is finally set to come off the DL tomorrow. Hot: Jacoby Ellsbury (8 SB!), Ryan Braun (19 TB!), Russell Martin, Xavier Nady. Not: David Murphy (why do I still have him?), James Loney, JD Drew (yes, he had a .462 OBP last week, but only 7 TB because all he does is walk—swing, jackass!), Rickie Weeks (not having the breakout year I had planned on), Carlos Guillen (ouchie), and last week’s hero, Dana Eveland, who got shelled.

Coley: That’s right, I was that guy. I was the guy who drafted Jay Bruce and stashed him on the bench for two months. And you snickered. You thought, “what a reckless use of bench space.” But now who’s laughing? Now who looks smart? Me! Of course, now I’ve got a bit of a problem, though it’s a good problem to have. I’ve got too many outfielders. There’s Milton Bradley, Josh Hamilton, Johnny Damon, Vlad Guererro, Carl Crawford and Jay Bruce. Of course, I could just keep one of them on my bench as insurance. Or I could deal one for pitching. Thoughts? Hot: Jay Bruce, Josh Hamilton, Johnny Damon, Todd Helton, Brad Lidge. Not: Yunel Escobar, Carlos Pena, Jered Weaver.

Alejandro: When it first seemed like my Center Field Stud was finally going to lose after four consecutive weeks of victories, my offense decided to check in. Glad as I was of the offensive prowess of Aaron Rowand, Carlos Lee, and Jermaine Dye, Montefusco’s Revenge didn’t go down quietly, beating me out in 4 out 6 offensive categories. I don’t know how, but my pitching carried the load, returning the favor and wining 5 out 6 stats. The only loss was due to my “bloated” 3.97 era, all thanks to Mr. Mark Hendrickson hitting a wall and getting tagged for 10 freakin’ runs, oh and for B.J. Ryan finally succumbing to statistical trends and blowing a save. Tim Linceum continues to dominate, but the surprise has been Todd Wellemeyer who very quietly is posting very impressive numbers (1-0, 1.29 ERA, 4Ks, 1.14 WHIP – though if I were to trust my colleague Nick Kapur, I should be trading him, like, NOW!). Hot: Aaron Rowand, Jermaine Dye (not really, but he did hit a home run and collected 11 TBs), Tim Lincecum, Todd Wellemeyer, Josh Becket (no wins, but 10 Ks!), Kerry Wood (4 saves and a negligible ZERO era), Jon Garland (another non-winner, 8-Ker, 2.19 ERA). Not: Dan Uggla, A.J. Pierzynksi (what a seesaw), Connor Jackson (boy’s hurting, give him some time).

Paul: Me win. Conquer Sooze and Sooze army (freebase my balls). Win lucky though. ElDuque’sInjuryReport no play good. Pitchers had ERA over 5. Still won Wins, Saves, K, and K/BB, whatever that mean. How that happen? David Wright do good. All-Star. Me Met fan. When Wright do good, make me happy. Shane Victorino good too. Scored thirteen runs on own! WOW! Only got on base safely 13 times all week! Still scored 13! Phillies have big bats! Me still think Brett Myers dumb… Me also bring Randy Winn on team. Matt Holliday hurt. Needed outfielder. Winn outfielder. Good match. But two days later, saw Travis Hafner get dropped. Me clubbed Winn over head with big stick. Winn go sleep. Me dragged Winn to garbage pit. Picked up Pronk instead. Brought Pronk home. Pronk easy name for caveman to say. Bye bye Winn. HOT: David Wright, Shane Victorino, Scott “Cy Young” Kazmir. NOT: Geovany Soto, Edwin Encarnacion, Chris B. Young, Ted Lilly, Hiroki Kuroda.

Standings, with games behind:

1. Paul (ElDuquesInjuryReport) (0)
2. Scott (Utley’s Firm Quads) (5.5)
3. Doug (Swamp Dragons) (9.5)
4. Alejandro (Center Field Stud) (12.5)
5. Sarah (Somerville Green Sox) (14)
6. Kirk (Montefusco’s Revenge) (20)
7. Larry (croutchyoldman) (22)
6. Bryan (Pirates in 08!) (22.5)
9. Ania (Box89RowKKSeat14) (26.5)
10. Sooze (freebase my balls) (29.5)
11. Coley (Crunkball All Stars) (31.5)
12. Caitlin (caitlin grace) (34.5)

Another week’s worth of fantasy baseball triumphs and heartbreaks are now receding in the rearview mirror of the UmpBumpmobile. A look at how we did, who we loved, and who we cursed with shaking fists:

Coley: Last week, prompted in part by Paul’s post on Jose Reyes, I finally bit the bullet and pulled the trigger on a big trade, sending Reyes to Swamp Dragons for Yunel Escobar and Carl Crawford. Of course, Escobar promptly went out and nearly tore his knee in half and then Reyes jacked two homers yesterday, his first day as an ex-Crunkball All-Star. But you know what? I’m not regretting it. Yunel is going to be fine, it seems. And let’s be real: Reyes is not going to morph into a power hitter overnight. Hot: Carlos Pena, Benjie Molina. Not: Oliver Perez, Brett Myers.

Alejandro: I’m not sure how long this surge will last, but my Center Field Stud keeps on climbing up the charts. Whereas my pitching was the fulcrum of my success two weeks ago, last week it was my offense that flexed its biceps. Magglio Ordóñez (about that first week, yea, let’s fuggedabouit) had a whopping 24 bases, contributing to a grand total 144 bases for the Stud. Carlos Lee also hit double digits in RBIs, pushing 12 runs across the plate. Aaron Rowand is showing signs of life, posting a respectable .423 OBP, hitting 2 home runs, collecting 14 bases, 3 runs, and 9 RBIs. Dan Uggla, Chipper Jones, Jermaine Dye, Hunter Pence, all had solid weeks. Too bad I can’t say the same about a few that I’ll name in the “not” category, below. My pitching was meh, earning me 5 wins, 2 saves, and 45 Ks (enough to win those three categories, but allowing a 4.00 ERA and a 1.37 WHIP. I did manage to eke ahead in the ever-elusive K/BB category, with a 2.81 rate. I do have to point out one Mark Hendrickson, who I almost dropped, this week earned 2 wins and punched out 12 dudes in the process (his ERA isn’t hotness, but I’ll take those 12 Ks). Once again, another solid week from CFS and a 9-3 victory. I now sit 11 games out of first place, and only 1.5 from overtaking Sarah’s Somerville Green Sox. Hot: Carlos Lee, Magglio Ordóñez, Aaron Rowand, Dan Uggla, Chipper Jones, Mark Hendrickson (ugh, how unpredictable), B.J. Ryan. Not: Hanley Ramirez, Alex Gordon, Fred Lewis, Emil Brown, A.J. Pierzynski, Vicente Padilla.

Paul: It’s a crazy mixed up world. It’s a Doggy Dogg World. The Dogg’s World. Truer words were never spoken by man. And this can be the only possible explanation as to why ElDuquesInjuryReport finally lost last week to Kirk’s Montefusco’s Revenge. My squad began the week strong, but as I checked the score on Wednesday, it was a total role reversal. Corey “The Guy In Shades” Hart and Ryan Howard simply eclipsed whatever little offense my team was able to muster. And Matt Holliday hit the DL, seemingly out of nowhere. Fantastico. To make matters worse, I sat Justin Duchscherer on Saturday thinking that I should avoid the Red Sox offense if possible. I’ve had better ideas, it turned out. And trust me. I’ve had some terrible ideas in the past. (Full disclosure - I forgot that yesterday was a holiday. I am sans computer back at home and can only use internet at work. Did not update my lineup. Missed Kazmir’s performance last night. For two teams. But I digress). I’m still in first place, however, with a 3.5 game lead over Scott and his Utley’s Firm Quads. Hot: Adam Dunn, Shane Victorino, C.C. Sabathia, Scott Kazmir. Not: Pretty much everyone else. Especially Kevin Youkilis, Edwin Encanacion, Kosuke Fukudome, Jhonny Peralta.

Sarah: By now it’s safe to say that the Somerville Green Sox have one of the hottest offenses in the UmpBump league. They tear up the charts every single week and they do it with only one can’t-drop player, Ryan Braun. Braun didn’t have even a single home run last week, yet my team finished the week with 15 round trippers, getting multiple dingers from Ian Kinsler, Xavier Nady, Carlos Guillen, Stephen Drew, and Rickie Weeks. Jacoby Ellsbury continues to be a stolen base and on-base machine, and Troy Glaus has finally decided to join the party. That’s how you end up with 146 total bases at the end of the week, the best mark in the league. But the question for my young squad has always been pitching. On paper, the guys I drafted looked good. But reality has been a different story—until now. I got a 1-run complete game from FA pickup Dana Eveland at the beginning of the week to set the tone. I got two quality starts from back-in-black Justin Verlander and a decent outing from Andy Pettitte. And I saved myself by presciently choosing to bench the ailing Roy Oswalt, who proceeded to get rocked by the Phillies. I even won the saves category (truly phenomenal, given that my closers consist of lost-in-the-woods Eric Gagne and just-temping Manny Acosta). I ended the week with an 11-1 thrashing of Pirates in 08!, losing only the strikeouts category, and moved back up to third place in the league. Hot: Eveland, Verlander, Kinsler, Nady. Not: Oswalt and Eric Gagne, currently chilling on my bench, but sure to be dropped soon.

Standings, with games behind:

1. Paul (ElDuquesInjuryReport) (0)
2. Scott (Utley’s Firm Quads) (3.5)
3. Sarah (Somerville Green Sox) (10.5)
4. Alejandro (Center Field Stud) (11)
5. Doug (Swamp Dragons) (11.5)
6. Bryan (Pirates in 08!) (15.5)
7. Kirk (Montefusco’s Revenge) (16.5)
8. Larry(croutchyoldman) (20.5)
9. Ania (Box89RowKKSeat14) (23.5)
10. Sooze (freebase my balls) (24.5)
11. Coley (Crunkball All Stars) (29)
12. Caitlin (caitlin grace) (32)

Sarah: Another frustrating week for the Somerville Green Sox, as my torrid offense fought Doug’s ridiculous pitching to a 6-6 draw. Yes, I won all the offensive categories and his Swamp Dragons took all of the pitching categories. It may be time to begin to start to think about maybe pondering whether it’s a good idea to consider the possibility of perhaps making a trade. But I’m not sure. Hot: Ryan Braun (six HR!), Ian Kinsler (4 steals!), Troy Glaus (finally!). Not: Xavier Nady (time for him to cool off, I suppose), Rickie Weeks, Carlos Guillen, everyone on my pitching staff.

Paul: My team looked to be in trouble earlier this week. As of Tuesday, ElDuquesInjuryReport was tied with team caitlin grace (for the life of me, I can’t remember the owner’s name) 6-6 and the younger members of my ball club were beginning to doubt if the team’s four-week winning streak was going to come to an end. Sensing their timidity on the field, the veterans in the clubhouse decided to call a players-only meeting. Now I wasn’t in the room when it happened, but there were lots of yelling. Trevor Hoffman was going on about rah-rah this and ho-hum that. Frankly, it didn’t sound like English at all. Then Kosuke Fukudome uttered some inspiring words of encouragement, but only me and Hiroki Kuroda understood what he was saying. And then the whole-thing degenerated into a “whose head is bigger” contest between Thome, Dunn and Holliday. Anyway, the meeting clearly worked as the squad had a true team effort the rest of the way en route to an 11-0 thrashing. Hot: David Wright, Adam Dunn, C.C. Sabathia, George Sherrill. Not: Greg Smith, Jim Thome, Edwin Encarnacion, Huston Street.

Alejandro: Although I’m on vacation, my team is going to work, putting together another impressive week with a 8-2 victory over croutchyoldman and catapulting to 5th place(!). Again, Dan Uggla has proven quite a find in the waiver market, keeping up the hotness (though I’m not sure how long he’ll be able to sustain it). But really, this week it was the usual suspects providing all the offensive prowess. Carlos Lee in particular, (2 HR, 5 RBI, and 15 Total Bases). But I have to pat myself (cautiously) on the back, for my two starters whom I picked up from the FA pool have turned in impressive numbers and results. Todd Wellemeyer picked up a win, struck out 5 and held a miniscule 1.29 ERA; Vicente Padilla did his part too, getting a win, striking out 8 and having a competitive 3.29 ERA. Gavin Floyd also rebounded from last week’s disaster in Anaheim, notching the win, striking out 3 and going ofer in the ERA department. Alas, not all my pitching pickups were winners, as Mark Hendrickson got tagged with 4 runs, ballooning his ERA to 7.20. Not good. Even with Hendrickson’s suckage, my pitching did all the heavy lifting this week, earning me 5 out of my 8 wins. I have to give honorable mention to Kerry Wood, who also rebounded for a strong week with 3 saves, 5 Ks and a 2.45 ERA. Hot: Dan Uggla, Chipper Jones (.400 baby!), Carlos Lee, Todd Wellemeyer, Vicente Padilla, Tim Lincecum, Kerry Wood, B.J. Ryan. Not: Mark Hendrickson, Hanley Ramirez, Emil Brown (cooled off, one more week and he’s gone), Connor Jackson.

Coley: Every week is a good week to own Josh Hamilton. But this week the Rangers’ CF was especially prolific, to the tune of 3 HR, 10 RBI and 20 total bases. Anchored by Hamilton, my offense came alive (12 HR, 46 RBI and 112 total bases). But it wasn’t enough, not nearly enough, to overcome Pirates in ‘08! (43 runs, 21 HR, 58 RBI, 145 total bases). What can I say? Alfonso Soriano is on a roll. Hot: Josh Hamilton, Brandon Phillips, Jered Weaver, Dice-K. Not: Brett Myers, C.J. Wilson, Johnny Damon.

Standings, with games behind:

1. Paul (ElDuquesInjuryReport) (0)
2. Scott (Utley’s Firm Quads) (4)
3. Bryan (Pirates in 08!) (11.5)
4. Doug (Swamp Dragons) (13)
5. Alejandro (Center Field Stud) (15)
6. Sarah (Somerville Green Sox) (16.5)
7. Kirk (Montefusco’s Revenge) (18.5)
8. Larry(croutchyoldman) (20.5)
9. Ania (Box89RowKKSeat14) (22)
10. Sooze (freebase my balls) (28)
11. Caitlin (caitlin grace) (30)
12. Coley (Crunkball All Stars) (31)

The week six results for the UmpBump fantasy league are in. Time for quick look at who’s performing and who isn’t!

Sarah: This was a terrible week for the Somerville Green Sox. What sort of terrible? Well, my one save was taken away after the official scorer realized he’d made a mistake, making me the only one in the UmpBump league to finish the week without a single save. And then Vernon Wells, he of the 5 homers and 24 RBI, broke his wrist. That’s the sort of week it was. That said, my team did not play badly (except for a truly abysmal Saturday when they racked up the o-fers like they were on clearance). And in fact, of the 11 other teams in our league, there are only three who would have beaten me this week and only one that would have really kicked my ass. Unfortunately, that’s the team I was playing. After a week of intense back and forth, my men ultimately fell like fall leaves before the one-man onslaught that is Lance Berkman. (Seriously, a .741 OBP for the week? 25 bases? Two homers and two steals? Who can compete with that??) I fell from No. 3 in our league back to the five-slot. I finally admitted that Yovani Gallardo was not coming back this season, that I could never truly trust Kyle Lohse, and that Mark Mulder (still on the DL) was not going to solve my problems. I dropped all of them and picked up Dana Eveland, Hong-Chih Kuo, and Homer Bailey (call him up already!). Hot: Ryan Braun, Ian Kinsler, Andy Pettitte (for now, anyway) Not: Eric Gagne (I’m, like, soooo surprised), Johnny Cueto (tons of K’s, sky-high ERA—why?! WHY?!).

Alejandro: I cannot be stopped. I’m on a roll. Watch out. Actually, I’m not tearing it up exactly, but I did have a convincing 8-3 win over Pirates in ‘08!. I won 5 offensive categories and tied in the sixth, and I have to thank my superb GM skills for picking up Dan Uggla on waivers. I could use better pitching, as I only collected 2 wins (though I did rack up 4 saves), so I’m taking a gamble on Vicente Padilla, who’s 5-2 with a 3.02 ERA. I also rid myself of the disaster that is Kevin Millwood. I am now 1 game under .500. Next stop, league leader. Hot: Dan Uggla, Alex Gordon, Carlos Lee, Emil Brown (is he for real?), Josh Beckett, Tim Lincecum (man crush!). Not: Dustin Pedroia (trade anyone?), Fred Lewis (what was I thinking?), Gavin Floyd (but I can’t give up on him yet!), Kevin Milwood (DROPPED).

Paul: So ElDuquesInjuryReport keeps on truckin’. But I can’t seem to shake off Scott’s Utley’s Firm Quads, who’s only two games behind me in the standings. While it’s way too early in the season to be worried about much of anything (except for a Jorge Sosa appearance in a close and late game), I’m already wondering if this is going to be a tight race all year. As far as my roster is concerned, I had two tough decisions to make. With the respective returns of Shane Victorino and Scott Kazmir from the DL, I had to drop a pitcher and a position player. The decision on the pitching front wasn’t so difficult, since it’s becoming more and more apparent that there’s something wrong with Jeremy Bonderman. His strikeouts have plummeted and his walks have skyrocketed. So he’s out. But I spent a good three days mulling over whether or not I should keep Victorino or Ryan Church. Is Church for real? Or is this just a case of a guy who’s playing way over his head? Ultimately, I decided to just let the historical numbers tell me what to do, and let Church go. He then proceeds to crank out three dingers. And is now on Scott’s team. Awesome. Hot: The Greek God of Walks (5 HRs! 10 RBIs! 30TBs!), Ted Lilly, C.C. Sabathia, Cliff Lee. Not: Jhonny Peralta, Brian Roberts, Andy Sonnanstine.

Coley: Another week, another loss. At least this one was close. One more run and one more HR and we would have tied. Oh well. The good news is I was able to snag Milton Bradley as a free agent. Anytime you can add a guy with a .424 OBP for free, that’s a good day. I also picked up Guillermo Mota, in the hope that he becomes Milwaukee’s regular closer. After yesterday’s Soloman Torres implosion, I feel good about Mota’s chances. Hot: Josh Hamilton, Scott Rolen, Milton Bradley, Dice-K. Not: Jered Weaver, Brett Myers, Melky Cabrera.

Another week of matchups has come and gone in UmpBump’s head-to-head fantasy league. Must be time for our weekly rundown of who’s helping us out and who’s kicking us to the curb.

Sarah: Say what you will about the managerial style of Joe Torre—and here at UmpBump, we have—but I would like to take a minute and thank that good man for putting on the double steal so many times last week. I’ve got three young Dodgers on my team, and largely thanks to Torre telling them to run, run, run like the wind, I racked up 10 steals—and would have had 12 if Jacoby Ellsbury had shown up in the lineup before Sunday’s game (he was a last-minute add when David Ortiz was scratched). Nonetheless, I was content as my offense exploded for 44 runs, 58 RBI, and 112 total bases and carried me to a 7-4 win over Coley and back up to third place in our 12-team league. Not bad, considering that my pitchers’ ERAs looked like this: 1.46, 4.50, 4.50, 5.14, 6.00, 6.00, 7.50 12.00, 32.40. I look forward to coughing up the pitching categories for the foreseeable future, as my ace, Yovani Gallardo, tore his ACL bumping into someone. Hey, at least my staff is still better than Detroit’s. Blazingly hot: Matt Kemp Regular hot: Xavier Nady, Russell Martin, Ryan Braun, Matt Cain Tepid-to-cool: Gallardo, Johnny Cueto, Eric Gagne, Kyle Lohse Ice Cold: Troy Glaus.

Coley: These are dark days indeed for the fantasy team. Nevermind that I got beat by Sarah, a fantasy virgin. I got beat by Sarah – a girl! Now I’m in last place, deep in the cold, dark cellar, grasping desperately for a light switch. It’s all very perplexing. Aside from the recent injury to Jorge Posada, my team has been relatively healthy. Many of them are simply underperforming. I don’t know how Carlos Pena managed to hit .287 last year, I really don’t. Because he swings for the fences on every pitch. And what happened to Vlad Guerrero? Does anybody know? Fortunately, Jose Reyes seems on the verge of emerging from his funk. Maybe he could share some positive vibes with his teammate, Oliver Perez, who fell off the map this week. Oh, and I don’t mean to rant, but can somebody explain how I managed to crush Sarah in ERA, WHIP, and K/BB, but lose Wins? Don’t bother, I’ll tell you how: I got one win, and that came from my closer, Brad Lidge. Pathetic. Hot: Brad Lidge Not: the rest of my team.

Alejandro: Another week, another Center Field Stud win. Don’t look now, but a team that was at one point in the very bottom of the standings is suddenly near the happy middle (a place I’ll probably stay at for a good chunk of the season as I’m six games behind 6th place). This week my offense checked in in all six categories, but my pitching continues to be my weak spot. Can’t expect Tim Lincecum to be a stud every week (no wins, but he did manage to rack up 9 Ks and a 2.08 ERA). I picked up Fred Lewis, Emil Brown and Edwin Jackson, hoping to get something good out of them. So far, only Fred Lewis seems to be paying off, though Brown had a couple of games where he seemed unstoppable. Edwin Jackson got smacked around by the Red Sox, but he may rebound so I’ll hang on to him for now. Hot: Connor Jackson, Chipper Jones, Carlos Lee, Aaron Rowand, Magglio Ordoñez, Fred Lewis. Not: A.J. Pierzynski, Dustin Pedroia, Emil Brown, Alex Gordon, Kerry Wood, Edwin Jackson.

Paul: (Just for kicks, I think I’m going to file my fantasy report pretending to be Mr. Jacopo “J” Peterman. So here we go.) Elaine, do you know what it’s like to look up and see nothing? It’s ab-so-lute-ly damning. No mountains to climb, no sky to gaze at, no rufous-bellied eagles to inspire you… When you’ve achieved perfection - total and un-com-pro-mised per-fection - all you can do is sigh. That’s exactly what it’s like being in first place of the UmpBump.com fantasy baseball league, Elaine. Here I am, wearing my Mongolian-themed mocassins, knowing full well that this road I travel can only lead me to some place that’s already all too familiar, or worse. Yes, it’s true. ElDuquesInjuryReport was victorious once again this week, vanquishing the comically named Pirates in 08! (how delightfully absurd!). My heroic pitching staff had performed admirably. Why, not even the most accomplished musketeer in all of Hongwu Emperor’s armies could have been more precise! Greg Smith was just brilliant in both of his outings (14 IP, 6H, 3R, 15Ks), and Andy Sonnanstine was equally stellar (8IP, 6H, 1R, 5K) in his lone appearance. And a hearty welcome back to Scott Kazmir. While I was correct to leave you on the bench for your first start of the season, I’ll be counting on you to help lead the club to Xanadu! Hot: Geovany Soto, Andy Sonnanstine, Greg Smith. Not: Jhonny Peralta, Jim Thome, C.C. Sabathia.

The Week 4 results are in for UmpBump’s head-to-head league. Who’s up, who’s down, who’s in, who’s out.

Sarah: After inflicting a veritable ass-kicking on Alejandro for most of the week, I (again!) suffered a terrible Sunday and had to content myself with a tie. Poop. Now I’ve dropped down to sixth in our 12-person league, my worst showing so far. You know what really grates? If I’d just taken a gamble and played Kyle Lohse yesterday, I would have won. But I benched him, because I was already winning nearly all the pitching categories and I thought he would only screw it up. Of course, Lohse pitched a beaut, but none of it counted for the Somerville Green Sox. Disgusting. Hot: Jacoby Ellsbury, Russell Martin, David Murphy, Yovani Gallardo, Kyle Freakin’ Lohse. Not: Andy Pettitte, Johnny Cueto, Carlos Guillen, Vernon Wells.

Coley: Well, things can’t get much worse. I got handed an 11-1 beatdown this week. And it hurt. A lot. The problem is clearly my offense, which is getting routinely smacked around, especially in RBI and HR. I’m going to have to pull the trigger on a trade, maybe swap some speed for some power, if possible. You know who isn’t helping? Jose Reyes. He was terrible this week. And, frankly, he’s been bad all year. So, is it time to trade him? Or do I ride it out? And for how long? My pitching staff (Aaron Harang, Dice-K, Brett Myers, Jered Weaver and Oliver Perez) wasn’t great this week, either. But I’m not worried about my pitching. That’s a loaded staff. Hot: Brandon Phillips, Josh Hamilton. Not: Jose Reyes, Carlos Pena, Chone Figgins, Brett Myers.

Paul: Cliff. Lee. That is all. (Actually, if I left it at that, Sarah would kill me.) Anyhow, on the heels of yet another improbably brilliant outing by the Cleveland lefty, ElDuquesInjuryReport now stands atop the standings in out humble league. But even more welcome were the two outings by Cleveland’s other lefty, C.C. Sabathia, who appears to have put his terrible start to the year behind him. Offensively, Edwin Encarnacion had a pretty big week (6 runs, 2 HRs, 19TBs and .379 OBP), as did Brian Roberts (6 runs, 2 HRs, 2 SBs, 17 TBs and .407 OBP). The next victim in my Winnebago tour of carnage is Bryan (Pirates in ‘08!). Sir, you are about to enter a world of pain. Hot: C.C. Sabathia, Cliff Lee, Jhonny Peralta (Indians galore!), Brian Roberts, Edwin Encarnacion. Not: Kevin Youkilis, David Wright, Scott Baker.

Alejandro: After surging last week, my team found itself in the woodshed being taken to school by Green’s Somerville’s Green Sox. For any of you who know a little bit about soccer or hockey, you know a come-from behind tie brings about a good feeling of accomplishment. I have to point out Francisco Liriano, on whom I took a big gamble, along with like 90%+ of Yahoo! fantasy players, lost big time. Needless to say, I dropped him, frankly because I don’t expect to get any results out of him, whereas I could by taking a smaller gamble on someone like the Cardinals’ Todd Wellemeyer, 2-0 , 3.77 era, 31 k , 10bb, 1.13 whip. Hot: Chipper Jones, Hunter Pence, Magglio Ordóñez, Tim Lincecum (stud), Billy Wagner, Josh Becket (13k’s!). Not: Kevin Milwood, Gavin Floyd (don’t give up on him yet!), Francisco Liriano (dropped).