I have a problem.

I. Hate. Julio. Lugo.

I hate the stupid sub-.300 OBP he had last year. I hate the stupid hitting streak he’s on right now, because I know he’s just doing it to be even more of a $%@#$ later. I hate his enormous bug-eyes that stare so widely AND YET STILL MISS THE BALL. I hate that he wears his belt higher than Steve Urkel. I hate that he’s owned in 56% of ESPN fantasy leagues—who are you people and who is your leader??

Because of Julio Lugo, I am even starting to hate the song “Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard,” which makes me hate him even more, because that’s a good $#@%* song, goddammit.

I hate that Lugo’s six errors are nearly TWO-THIRDS of Boston’s 10 team errors. I hate that he would have even more errors if the official scorer were allowed to assume EVEN THE MOST BASIC AND ELEMENTARY LITTLE-LEAGUE LEVEL DOUBLE PLAYS. I hate that even when he doesn’t make an error, he still finds a way to suck. I even hate the one thing about him that doesn’t technically suck—his speed on the basepaths—because that speed masks the true depths of his sucktitude in the batter’s box.

Is this measured, or rational, or fair? No, no, and hell no. But then, hatred so rarely is.

So most of all, I hate that Theo Epstein offered him way more money than any other GM was even imagining offering him, so that now, not only are we paying through the nose for this @#$*%!, we can find no one else to take him off our hands. The $26 million remaining on the deal would be better spent stuffed directly into owner John Henry’s 164-foot yacht, the Iroquois, and burned as fuel.

And of course, I hate that Julio Lugo is blocking fuzzy-cheeked Jed Lowrie. Did you know that Lowrie has 5 RBI in 26 plate appearances, while Lugo has 5 ribbies in 86 plate appearances? Typical. More errors than runs batted in! And five GIDPs too! Even with the speed! And I laugh—LAUGH!—at the fact that in the ninth inning of of a recent game, with the Sox up by a run and Manny Ramirez out of the game, Terry Francona moved Lugo to left field and Lowrie over to shortstop as a defensive replacement.

But it is not happy, trilling laughter. No, it is cold, cynical laughter. Because, as I was forced to conclude in this week’s Metro column, Julio Lugo’s below-average play and above-average pay likely mean that Jed Lowrie’s days in Boston are numbered. Not only is the entire left side of Boston’s infield locked up through 2010, Jed Lowrie may not be a natural shortstop anyway, as he lacks some of the necessary “first-step quickness” (in the words of Baseball Prospectus). However, he has worked hard to cut down on his error rate and his throws are generally solid, so his comparative lack of range may not be immediately apparent. This leads me to conclude that, at short, the most that could be hoped for is the defensive capability of Derek Jeter, who has very sure hands but, like that other good-looking Derek, one Mr. Zoolander, “can’t go left.” Thus, another team may be happy to take Lowrie and stick him at second base. As for the possibility, explored by Coley at MLB Trade Rumors last weekend, that Boston would keep him and use him as a super-utility guy? It’s possible, but I think it’s unlikely as long as he has even greater value to the team as trade-bait.

But Red Sox fans, take heart. Even if we are stuck with Julio Lugo through 2010, we do have another, potentially even better shortstop prospect waiting in the wings. Right now, he’s down at Greenville, Boston’s single A affiliate. Oscar Tejada, writes Baseball Prospectus, is a “toolsy Dominican” who was “impressive” last year, in his debut season for the Gulf Coast League, “showcasing gap power, good speed, excellent range, and a cannon for an arm.” He’s still “at least three to four years away,” but he’s also “brimming with potential.” Some additional info:

The Good: Tejeda has all of the tools necessary to be a star-level shortstop. He’s a good hitter with a line-drive stroke who has the frame and the bat speed to develop into some power. Defensively, he has excellent range, crisp actions and a strong arm.
The Bad: Not even 18 yet, Tejeda is still rough around the edges in many aspects. He still hasn’t seen enough breaking balls to make the proper adjustments to them, and he needs to improve in the little parts of the game, like bunting and baserunning. Like many young, flashy shortstops, he’s prone to errors when trying to make spectacular plays.
Perfect World Projection: A starting shortstop with the ability to create runs at the plate, and prevent them in the field.
Timetable: Tejeda’s youth and inexperience leaves him very far from his potential. While it seems like he’s ready for a full-season assignment, he’ll be only 18 for all of 2008, and there might be a need for patience.

I hope Oscar Tejada comes along well. I hope he’s ready to go by spring training in 2011. And I hope to God that I still have eyes to see him by then, because if I’m stuck watching Julio Cesar Lugo for the next three full seasons, I may actually claw them out.

The Red Sox made an incredibly costly but potentially lucrative gamble by outbidding the rest of baseball for the services of Daisuke Matsuzaka ($51 million just for the right to talk to Scott Boras? Holy crap!). And now right on the heels of this story comes the news that the Red Sox are hot on the trail of by far the two least valuable players from this past season’s Dodgers squad - infamous clubhouse cancers J.D. Drew and Julio Lugo.

Dodgers fans were overjoyed, if somewhat surprised, when Drew opted out of the guaranteed $33 million and 3 years left on his contract, after two injury-riddled seasons in which Drew never hit more than 20 homers and continued to display the lackadaisical style of baseball he is so adept at, completely devoid of clutch hits or spirited play. What foolish team we all wondered, would possibly give this sad excuse for a ballplayer more than 3 years at $11 million per to play 95 dispiriting games and hit 20 home runs?

Now we know: the Boston Red Sox, aka “Yankees North.”

Likewise, notorious wife-beater Julio Lugo is also on the BoSox’s radar screen after a season in which he batted far far above his career norms in Tampa Bay, and then struggled to stay above the Mendoza line in two months of crucial stretch games for LA. Lugo quickly became known throughout LA for his lack of focus on defense, his three-pitch strikeouts in crucial situations, his boneheaded decisionmaking on the basepaths, and most of all, his incredibly surly attitude.

You would think that most players would be elated to escape the purgatory that is Tampa Bay and be shipped to a playoff-bound team in the midst of an exciting pennant race. But not Julio - instead he griped constantly about his playing time to the media despite the fact that he played almost every game down the stretch, and insisted that he should be the starting shortstop over consensus team MVP Rafael Furcal.

A defining moment of Lugo’s Dodgers career came in a crucial game against the archrival Giants when Lugo made the least of a rare appearance at third base by inexplicably attempting to steal home with no outs in the second inning and the heart of the order coming up. Lugo was thrown out easily and the Dodgers ended up losing by one run.

Suffice to say, the Dodgers made the playoffs despite Lugo’s best efforts to singlehandedly lose as many games as possible and torpedo clubhouse chemistry. What team could possibly covet such a player?

Why of course it’s the Boston Red Sox, aka “Evil Empire II.”

How can Red Sox fans continue to claim that their team is morally superior to the Yankees when the Red Sox continue to do every thing exactly how the Yanks do it - chasing after high-priced, overrated free agents to fill the tiniest gap in the lineup, and throwing huge sums of money at foreign players that no team other than the Sox or the Yankees has any chance at?

Word is that the Red Sox are looking for more veteran baseball guys to surround wonderboy Theo Epstein. On of the men the club could be turning to is already under its roof. Former Royals general manager Allard Baird has served as a special adviser to Theo Epstein the past few months and the the Globe is reporting that he could assume a bigger role (with a fancier title) in the organization after his contract expires on Oct. 31.

We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again: Allard Baird is probably not the answer to the Sox’s poor front office decision making. God knows he wasn’t the answer for the Royals poor front office decision making.

Are there really that few front-office types out there? And why does Theo need a babysitter? He’s making the big bucks. Shouldn’t he be equipped to do the job on his own?

Mere hours after last night’s crushing loss to the Yankees, Fenway Females were dealt another vicious blow. Boston women are reeling from this morning’s announcement that Boston’s most eligible bachelor, Sox GM Theo Epstein, is officially off the market. From the Boston Globe:

Theo Epstein, the boyish-looking Yale graduate who steered the Boston Red Sox to their first World Series championship in 86 years, is no longer a free agent, so to speak.

The general manager of the Red Sox and man-about-town staple of the city’s gossip pages has sent an e-mail to friends announcing that he is engaged to his longtime girlfriend, Marie Whitney, according to friends who received the private missive.

[...] The big ask apparently went down Sunday night, according to friends.

That night, the couple dined at Davio’s, a popular Italian restaurant in Park Square, where Epstein had made a reservation under a pseudonym.

Sometime after the couple left, Epstein, 32, apparently asked Whitney, 27, to marry him.

You gotta love the globe. “Apparently” went down. “Apparently” asked. Yeah, apparently! APPARENTLY according to the obscene rock weighing down her left hand, blinging all over Fenway Park last night! Maybe that’s why David Ortiz struck out four times. He was blinded by carats. Theo’s carats of love.