We’ve done the ugliest uniforms and the crazy old-school uniforms—but what about the unis that actually look good? Here, your All-Star lineup of the nine best-looking get-ups in the majors:

1. Yankees. Other teams wear pinstripes. But the Yankees wear Pinstripes. In fact, “pinstripes” has become something of a metonym for the New York Yankees. For instance, if a premiere free agent came on the market and Hank Steinbrenner was jingling the change in his pocket, a pundit might comment by saying, “before you know it, he’ll be in pinstripes,” or words to that effect. In addition, in an age that sees many a major league team putting numbers on the front of their jerseys, or—horror of horrors—player names on the back of their home whites, the Yankees remain the only team in MLB without player names even on their out-of-town uniforms. Love them or hate them, you have to admit that is badass.

2. Tigers. Boston Globe columnist Dan Shaughnessy once described their home uniforms in a column as “baseball tuxedos.” It was a rare moment of accord between Mr. Shaughnessy and myself. No other term better describes the simple elegance of Detroit’s black and white duds. And the away unis with the midnight blue and just a dash of orange? Brilliant!

3. A’s. First, the A’s get bonus points for venturing out of the safe, overdone area of red-white-blue uniforms. Yet they also manage to steer clear of the unfortunate teal-purple-turquoise realm. Oakland’s sunny yellow and forest green is distinctive, attractive, and appropriate for NoCal. (Additionally, many of the team’s players are themselves more attractive than average. This increases the aesthetics of their uniforms.) I know they catch a lot of flak for their white cleats, but I actually think the white looks better than the alternatives—especially when they wear their socks up, displaying a pleasing contrast between green sock and white shoe. In fact, I would like Oakland to consider making this a mandatory thing, because when the players don’t wear their socks up, and choose to go instead with a baggy, full-length pantleg, white blends into white and they end up looking like they’re wearing footie pajamas.

4. Giants. The black and orange? Hot. The interlocking “SF” logo on the cap? Very nice. The understated, sans serif font across the chest? Tres chic. Plus, the home whites with their bolder, more ornate typeface are also an easy hardball classic. They may lose the most games of any team in the majors this year, but they’ll look damn good doing it.

5. Pirates. The duds are simple, elegant, and distinctive. This is a rare example of a vest uniform actually working. (Plus, they get props for their piratical insignia. Pirates are so hot right now. Arrrr!) And unlike Colorado, Pittsburgh knows that if you’re going to go with pinstripes, you can’t add a lot of other elements—you’ve got to keep it clean and simple. The yellow really pops on the away grays, almost like a ray of sunny hope piercing a gloomy sky—all too appropriate for a beleaguered organization from a city that’s seen better days.

6. Dodgers. The Dodgers’ uniform is a statement. They want you to know that they are a classy, classic, all-American organization with a proud history. On another team, this uniform would be a bit too safe—maybe even boring. But because they’re the Dodgers, it just looks just right.

7. White Sox. Teams with too many crazy colors, take note: it’s really, really hard to look bad when you go with black and white. The White Sox are the third team on this list who dress in shades of gray. The simple “sock” patch on the sleeve, the elegant piping on the leg, the classic cursive script across the chest—everything works together seamlessly. In fact, all of Chicago’s various uniforms look equally good. No easy feat. Thus, this play on the right may look hideous, but the White Sox still look dapper.

8. Red Sox. The Red Sox have a clean, classic uniform. I personally liked their old socks a bit better—ridiculous, striped affairs that made one feel as if Ted Williams and Jimmy Foxx were somewhere just out of sight—but I do recognize the thematic consistency in having the Red Sox wear red socks. Red and white are over-used in the world of MLB uniforms (Reds, Angels, Cardinals, Phillies, Twins, Astros), but unlike some of their red-and-white compatriots, the Red Sox never take the field looking like a bunch of tomatoes, strawberries, or other overly red produce, thanks in part to the navy hats. (Red + navy = a fine New England tradition.) I only wish they’d kept the navy undershirts from a few seasons back. But the real tipping point here is the font. The font is so easily recognizable, it’s become synonymous with Boston itself. Not too many baseball uniforms have that on their resume. The one hitch is that nearly all of the Boston players are hirsute, pine-tar covered slobs who wear their unis several sizes too large. Thus, to see the Red Sox uniform as God intended, I have here chosen a picture of Jacoby Ellsbury.

9. Cubs. I love the bear cub. I love the bold, crisp “C” logo. I don’t super-love the pinstripes—the Cubs’ bold colors and clean logos don’t need it. It’s not a deal-breaker, but if they’d gone with a nice blue-and-red piping down the leg instead, the Cubs would be higher on my list. Yes, red-white-and-blue is overdone, but the Cubs do it very well. Even when the ivy hasn’t leafed yet.

Bench players

Indians. We like the everything-old-is-new-again look they’re sporting as an alternate uni this year, and I like their regular unis quite a bit. But I have to take points off for their insistence on retaining Chief Wahoo as their logo. I have no problem with the team’s name, but that cartoon character looks like something out of the 50s. Oh wait…it is.

Phillies. Philadelphia’s new alternate home uniforms are the hotness. The red-white-and-blue works well for the city of Ben Franklin and the Liberty Bell. The uniform is clean and classic, but not boring, thanks to the two little stars over the i’s and thanks to the slick piping down the outseam. The reason they don’t crack my starting lineup? They don’t wear this kickass alternate uni nearly enough.

Nationals. I love what they’re trying to do here, but it feels like there’s just too much going on—right down to the two competing logos. (One of these, the cursive “W”, looks like a pig’s tail, for crying out loud. They need to stick with the interlocking D and C.) There’s red, there’s blue, there’s yellow. The various uniforms don’t seem to have any bearing on each other, as if the Nats were that old Washington team, the Senators, and they were polling their constituents to see which look they should wear. I like the font they’ve used for the “Washington” across the chest, but they’ve made it look a bit cluttered by using two colors for it. In the words of Henry David Thoreau: simplify, simplify.

A few tips to ballplayers who want to increase the attractiveness of their uniforms: don’t wear the belt too high (yes, we’re thinking of you, JULIO LUGO!). Pull up your socks and show a little calf. Wear pants that fit—don’t go too tight (unless you’re very sure you’ve got the ass for it), but don’t go too loose or it will look sloppy. Finally, I know some of these early spring night games are chilly, but if you’re going to go with an undershirt, treat yourself to a nice fitted underarmor job instead of a wrinkly, bulky old turtleneck.

What do you think, Umpbumpers?

more at twiigs.com…

Oh, and if you pick “other,” I think you owe us a comment explaining who we missed. Thanks!

The Blue Jays debuted their throwback uniforms last night, as they plan to do for every Friday home game this season. Behold:

They look a bit silly, but isn’t that just part of the fun? The Royals have also brought their powder blues back (though only from the waist up). Last year, the Padres busted out their old all-yellow duds. What other teams could bring back some kickass vintage duds? Let’s look at the contenders:

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The baseball uniform is something of a curiosity. I think we can all agree that baseball did the world a favor by bringing us the baseball cap. But in what other sport are players required to wear a thick belt, tapered white stretch pants, a glorified pajama top, and stirrups?!

Nonetheless, some baseball uniforms are funnier-looking than others. For years, this has been especially true of expansion teams. However, with Tampa Bay’s announcement that they will be changing their uniforms, colors, and logo as well as their name (are they even still a baseball team?), they join the Diamondbacks as reformed expansion teams that have at last forgone the teal-and-purple days of yore. While Arizona returned to the playoffs this year in their new unis, which sported Sedona Red and Sonora Sand colorations, the Rays hope for similar magic with their new, water-and-sunshine themed garments:

According to the press release, “The two hues of blue suggest the deep blue waters and bright blue sky for which Florida is known. The elongated tail of the “R” further reinforces the water imagery.” A bright yellow sunburst emanating from the “R” will “invoke the magnificence of life in the Sunshine State.”

“Our new team name and new look express the vibrancy of our organization,” said Rays President Matt Silverman. “The Tampa Bay Rays will shine, on the field and in our community. We will be a great source of pride for our region.”

One ugly uni down, so many more to go. Which teams do not shine? Which uniforms do not express vibrancy? Which are not dressed in a manner that invokes the magnificence of life?

That, UmpBump readers, is for you to decide. The contendahs:

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The Phils unveiled their new alternate uniform today, which will be worn during home day games.

The unis were modeled by Jimmy Rollins, Cole Hamels and HOF member Robin Roberts.

A couple of thoughts on these photos:

1. Jimmy Rollins knows how to work a runway. This should come as no surprise. Say what you will about Rollins’ work on the field, but he’s certainly among the most likeable players Philly has ever had.
2. Cole Hamels looks silly wearing sneakers with his baseball jersey.
3. The new uniforms are cool. I like them a lot. And since they are old school, I’m guessing Bill Conlin approves.

You can see more pics of the Phils’ new uniforms here and here.

Sorry Coley, I just have to gloat. ESPN’s Page 2 has come out with an astounding report of direct, personal import for all of us here at UmpBump. UniWatch has ranked the best cities to live in according to “athletics aesthetics,” in other words, which cities have the best-dressed sports teams.

Boston, according to UniWatch, is far and away the fairest of them all, with my Red Sox getting a perfect score—and even an extra point for the gemlike bandbox that is Fenway Park. (Though, to be fair, just as the Pats were docked points for jettisoning Pat Patriot, the BoSox should be penalized for nixing their traditional, faintly ridiculous-yet-oh-so-charming striped socks with red stirrups.) Chicago is next, with Alejandro’s White Sox also getting top marks. And Nick’s hometown of LA is tied for fourth, with the Dodgers getting the highest possible rating.

But where oh where is Coley’s beloved Philly? As it turns out, Philadelphia, PA may have much more going for it than Pittsburgh, PA in many respects (cheesesteak, the Liberty Bell, a rudimentary local economy) but Pittsburgh beats out the city of brotherly love when it comes to the all-important matter of athletic apparel. The Pirates (and of course, the ever-dapper Steelers) help that city share the four slot with LA, while the Phillies’ snappy dress just isn’t enough to make up for the 76ers sartorial snafus—-thus Philly is tied for tenth, with Houston. And Coley’s adopted city of Atlanta comes out even worse: almost dead last, at 20th (thank you, Hawks).

So, I’m sorry Coley. I know you think Red Sox fans are insufferably obnoxious Massholes. But it’s not elitism if you’re demonstrably better, according to measurable, numeric indices. This is just another nail in the coffin for other, non-Boston cities, whose residents just can’t admit that Bahston is the wickedest awesome city evah.

The Diamondbacks are reportedly planning a change in uniform colors for next season, apparently dumping their purple, teal, copper and black scheme for one that will include something called “Sedona Red” and a “sand” hue.
– Arizona Republic

One of the tantalizing aspects of interleague play is that fans in one league get to see teams from the other league. Though interleague play is, of course, a manipulative, publicity-whoring ploy worthy of Anna Nicole Smith, consider me manipulated for the moment. If we can continue the metaphor just one step further, interleague play, like Anna Nicole, also has some tanalizing aspects. One such tantalizing aspects is that fans in one league get to see teams from the other league. And by see teams, I mean see uniforms.

For instance, right now I am watching the Boston Red Sox play the Washington Nationals. I feel there is great potential in a Sox-Nats rivalry (just think, instead of a subway series we could have an Acela Express series!). But there is a stunning lack of potentional in the Nationals’ cap design:

What is that curly little W? It looks like a pig’s tail. It looks like a noodle thrown against a wall to see if it’s cooked yet. It looks like they caught whatever strange cursive disease afflicted their crosstown AL rivals, the Orioles, when Baltimore decided to ixnay the irdbay in favor of the giant orange O, itself oddly reminiscent of the Overstock.com logo. The curious thing about the Nats’ hats is that the rest of the uniform is pretty snazzy. (Except, of course, that monstrosity of a catcher’s mask. Careful! If you look directly at it, it will turn you to stone.) I like the classy font they picked for the jersey. I like the interlocking D and C they’ve got on the sleeve. Now I ask you, wouldn’t either of those make for a lovely chapeau? And doesn’t the squiggly little piggy tail/crawling worm/lengthy pubic hair “W” look even more ridiculous when juxtaposed with the clean, square lines of the other lettering?

Also, I feel obligated to note that I think their other other logo is the hotness:

Except…why even have an other, other logo?