Today we learned that Jason Giambi likes to wear a gold, tiger-print thong whenever he needs help breaking out of a slump.

According to Giambi, “The thong works every time.”

But if you thought that’s the only gem unearthed from Franz Lidz’s story about the Giambi, you’d be mistaken.

Giambi on the ups and downs of life:

Whenever something perfect happens you can always count on something else going wrong. As much fun as I had during my ‘comeback season’ in 2006, life was bittersweet. My dog got cancer.”

I’m nominating this for player quote of the year. I can’t explain why I love this quote so much. But just as U.S. Sumpreme Court justice Potter Stewart knew pornography when he saw it, I know a great quote. And that is a great quote.

And Giambi doesn’t stop there.

Giambi on family and responsibility:

“My teammates used to call me the Modern-day Mick because I could play all day and party all night. Now I’m more of a family guy. I drive an Escalade to the ballpark.”

You simply have to love a guy who equates family values with driving an Escalade. You also have to love a guy whose motto is, “party like a rock star, hammer like a porn star, rake like an all-star.” I feel fairly certain that, if John Lennon were alive today, this would be his motto, too.

Giambi on life after baseball:

“After A-Rod retires, he wants to be a real estate mogul, the next Donald Trump. I could care less. As long as I can have a fast boat and a margarita machine and can light my hair on fire, I’ll be just fine.”

When I read this quote, I can’t help but wonder: what is the name of Giambi’s boat? Enquiring minds want to know.

Maybe you’re wondering, “what does Jason have to say about his ice-cold start to the season?” Here’s what:

“I never hear the boos because I’m too busy booing myself,” he says. “No critic is worse on me than me: I can beat myself up pretty good.”

It’s true that Giambi is a very vocal critic. Remember in 2006, when he took Alex Rodriguez to task for failing to hit in the clutch? Here’s what Giambi told A-Rod, who at the time was hitting .286, 34 home runs and 116 RBI:

“When you hit three, four or five [in the order], you have to get the big hits, especially if they’re going to walk Bobby [Abreu] and me. I’ll help you out until you get going. I’ll look to drive in runs when they pitch around me, go after that 3-and-1 pitch that might be a ball. But if they’re going to walk Bobby and me, you’re going to have to be the guy.”

It’s unclear if Giambi has tried wearing his gold thong yet this season. But if he hasn’t given it a shot, what is he waiting for? Jason, you’re hitting .181! Put on the thong! You have to be the guy!

Today’s lunchtime reading put me in an inquisitive mood. So let’s do it up as a questionnaire:

From 38Pitches, Curt Schilling would like to know: why wasn’t Kyle Farnsworth ejected for throwing at Manny Ramirez last night?

From Deuce of Davenport, why does Marty Brennaman hate Cubs fans so much?

From Slate, why are today’s ballplayers more likely to be born in August, and why are tomorrow’s stars more likely to be born in May?

From PhilSox Blog, why could that whole buried-Sox-jersey-in-the-Bronx thing have been an elaborate hoax?

From Fire Joe Morgan, why are “gamers” always white?

From Home Run Derby, why can Carlos Pena only hit home runs?

From Beantown West, why is Torii Hunter annoyed that white players wore #42?

From Cobra Brigade, why do the Cubs always get such freak injuries?

And speaking of freak injuries, Sports by Brooks would like to know: why the heck is Joel Zumaya doing keg stands?

Now for some questions of my own:

Why is Baseball-Bats calling first-pitch throwing Victoria Beckham a D-Lister? (Posh rocks! Posh is fierce! Posh is going to kill you!)

Why is Baseball Digest Daily arguing to get rid of batting average? (If you don’t like it, you don’t have to look at it!)

And why does Joel Sherman of the New York Post think that the Sox-Yanks rivalry ended in 2004? (Do you not remember Johnny Damon switching sides in ‘05? The five-game sweep in ‘06? The ‘07 pennant race?!)

And of course, UmpBumpers, we’re always looking for good reading here at UmpBump. Have you read something neat lately? Let me know!

The Red Sox and Yankees meet tonight for the first game of a three-game series. Both teams have won five games so far. Both teams have lost five.

Before we get under way, a quick preview:

The player I know mostly as J.D. Poo (or just “Poo” for short) is hitting .440. He went three-for-three in last night’s game before commanding an intentional walk. However, no matter how torrid his bat, I will continue to call him “Poo” until at least the end of June.

Alex Rodriguez, who I sometimes call A-Rod, A-Hole, or A-Douche, is also off to a hot start, scoring seven runs and batting in seven runs. That makes him somehow involved in nearly half of New York’s runs so far this year. This will only make it more painful for Yankees fans when the inevitable October chokage comes home to roost.

Papi’s power stroke is still AWOL. On the other hand, the Yankees have averaged just 3.1 runs a game thus far, so they’ve got their own troubles, not least of which is that Jorge Posada, suffering from “a dead arm,” will not be available to catch in this series. To get him in the lineup, the Yanks will have to DH him.

Because Mike Lowell is on the 15-day DL with a sprained thumb and Alex Cora is feeling “twinges,” the Red Sox brought up some infield insurance in the person of Jed Lowrie, their AAA-level shortstop.

Because Derek Jeter’s quad is still balky, and his weekend baseball activities are likely limited to casual games of catch, the Yankees brought up some infield insurance in the person of Alberto Gonzalez, their AAA-level shortstop.

As for tonight’s starting pitchers, for the Red Sox, Clay Buchholz has struggled so far this season. He had a rough Spring Training and a mixed performance in his previous start in Toronto—on the one hand, he only went 5 innings while giving up six hits, two walks, and three earned runs. On the other hand, he did strike out seven. Clay threw 89 pitches before he got the hook, whereupon the Red Sox bullpen promptly gave in to a fierce shellacking. Conversely, New York staff ace Chien Ming Wang has started the season strong. In two starts, he’s combined for 13 innings, 10 hits, four walks, just two earned runs, and 8 K’s. Wang was economical as well, managing to get relatively deep into the game on a low pitch count (yay for groundballs!).

Let the game begin!

Read the rest of this entry »

Could A-Rod play shortstop while Jeter is on the shelf? Girardi won’t rule it out.

The Phils-Mets series is underway. Jayson Stark reported this winter that the Phils were talking about starting a fight with their NL East rivals. Will there be a brawl? The Mets say maybe.

The Orioles are in first place and Aubrey Huff — who went on a shock-jock radio show over the offseason and trashed Baltimore –  is jackin’ it. Any way you slice it, this is a feel-good story.

Joe Posnanski is scaling back while he goes into book mode. Don’t be a stranger, Joe.

Two blogosphere favorites face-off today: Phil Hughes vs. Brian Bannister.

In a bizarre drama, Hideki Matsui announced on Thursday that he has secretly gotten married, but he refuses to divulge the identity of his wife, showing only sketches of her drawn by himself and his brother.

What made the whole situation even more bizarre is that Matsui may have married her in order to win a bet he made with teammates Derek Jeter and Bobby Abreu.

According to the terms of the bet, if Matsui got married first, he would win an undisclosed sum of money from the other two, but since Matsui was considered more likely to get married first, Jeter and Abreu were given handicaps of 1 year and 6 months, respectively.

This means that if Jeter can get married in the next year, or Abreu can get married in the next 6 months, they won’t have to pay anything to Matsui, but both players are already conceding that Matsui has won for sure and say they will pay up now.

According to Jeter, there is “no chance” that he will be married by next March.

But while UmpBumpers are certainly curious enough about the identity of this mystery woman Matsui has married, the far more pressing question has to be, is she a Hot Baseball Wife?

While the sketch above implies a certain level of hotness, if you sort of tilt your head sideways and squint at it funny, more information is needed to return a verdict of “hot” - so let’s go to the evidence…

1. Matsui is a Major League ballplayer, one of Japan’s most instantly recognizable public figures, and has often been referred to as “the most eligible bachelor in Japan.”

This means she is likely to be hot.

2. She is 25 years old and Japanese.

This information increases the likelihood that she is hot.

3. According to Matsui, she quit her job at a reputable sporting goods company about 1 year ago.

Well, having no job at all is not so hot, but then again, gold-diggers are often hot.

4. “Matsui became attracted to her personality as well as her discretion and proposed to her,” sports tabloid Sankei Sports reported.

Hmm. When people start talking about “personality” and “discretion,” actual hotness starts to be questioned.

5. At his press conference Matsui declared, “In short, I fell in love at first sight.”

Well, maybe she was pretty hot after all if Matsui fell in love just by looking at her.

6. “She is reserved and is not so sprightly,” Matsui said. “I think she is a person who is very considerate to others.”

Uh, okay. “Considerate to others” is hot, but “reserved” and “not so sprightly”? That sounds kind of un-hot.

So what do you think? Is this woman likely to be hot? You make the call:

more at twiigs.com…

I’m putting the Devil back in the Devil Rays after last night’s bench-clearing brawl. The Red Sox and Rays have come to fisticuffs numerous times over the years, and now it seems that Tampa Bay is determined to rumble with the other big dogs in the AL East, the New York Yankees. Hey, if you can’t join ‘em, beat ‘em, right?

Controversy erupted when the teams last played each other, when a Rays prospect bowled over a young Yankee catcher at home plate, breaking his wrist. Yankee fans were miffed and Joe Girardi was “disheartened.” Tampa Bay fans responded with indignation, Rays advisor Don Zimmer with dismay. But this time, with Shelley Duncan sparking the fight by attempting to cleat 2B Aknori Iwamura in the crotch, it seems like pretty much all the Yankees blogs agree that Duncan was out of order. (If you’ve read one that defends him, post the link in the comments section.) And Yankees Chick reminds us that Duncan’s “intensity” was premeditated. It’s one thing to break a man’s wrist. It’s quite another to target his family jewels.

DRaysBay has the video and offers Duncan some free advice: “Mr. Duncan, next time you want to tango, make sure the other team doesn’t have a semi-deranged part-time wrestler on the field at the same time, okay?” And Rays Index has the definitive list of links for your post-brawl required reading, including a reenactment with an A.J. Pierzynski bobblehead.

Duncan’s testicle-threatening slide was classless and unnecessary—the Yankees had already plunked highly touted Tampa Bay prospect Evan Longoria with a pitch, thus evening the score between the teams (the pitcher was ejected). Duncan’s attempt to spike Iwamura only re-started the whole mess. Nonetheless, we did get to see our first brawl of the year as a result. And I, for one, always enjoy a good brawl. So does fellow UmpBumper Nick Kapur, as recorded in this recent exchange:

Me: Baseball fights are wonderful. I love watching these highly paid, grown men run out of the dugout just to mill around in angry fashion.

Nick: Baseball fights are great because people have so far to run. Those relievers have to charge all the way in from the bullpens! Baseball fights are actually better live.

Me: Yeah, and the crowd is all, “RAAAAAH! BOOOO! RAAAAH!”

Nick: And it’s funny to see all the players charging toward the mound from all over the park, like a star collapsing in on itself, then gradually cooling into a neutron star.

Me: And when do you ever see the coach get thrown out in other sports? I love to see the manager get tossed. He starts yelling, gets all red in the face. He’s shouting at the ump, who is also usually really old. When do you get to see two old men fight like that if not in baseball?

Nick: Yeah, there is nothing like a fat, old, white baseball manager waddling/running out from the dugout in a rage.

Me: Glorious.

UmpBumpers, what’s your favorite part of a baseball brawl?

Reading our very own Sarah Green’s “What They Need” post regarding the AL East, I noticed one glaring omission that Sarah failed to address when it came to the New York Yankees. In addition to a “scary starting pitcher”, this was a team that was clearly lacking in one key area that needed to be rectified if they were to have a prayer of winning the division: an aging comedian who turned Gheorghe Muresan into the budding movie star we know today.

This all changed yesterday when the Bombers signed the soon-to-be-60-years-old Billy Crystal to a one-day minor league contract. So what kind of player can Yankee fans expect to see? Here’s a detailed scouting report on Crystal:

William Jacob “Billy” Crystal

Age: 59 Height: 5′7″ Bats: S Throws: R

Background: Crystal is an exciting prospect who batted .348 for Long Beach High School… in 1966. He enrolled at Marshall University on a baseball scholarship but never played a game, possibly due to his propensity to mimic old Jewish men. Claims to be a huge Yankees fan but inexplicably wore Mets hat throughout “City Slickers“.

Strengths: Originally a right-handed batter, but impressively switched to the left side while filming the batting cage scene in “When Harry Met Sally” so director Rob Reiner could get both Crystal and Bruno Kirby in a single camera frame. Judging by Kirby’s habit of popping everything up directly above him even when batting from his natural right side, it was assumed that no one wanted to see him him lefty. If you ever entered a tag-team Mickey Mantle trivia contest, you’d want Billy Crystal as your partner. His inner strength and fortitude are off the charts, proven by his ability to withstand being onstage with both Whoopi Goldberg and Robin Williams for an extended period of time.

Weaknesses: Has no position. Occasionally doesn’t know when to say “no”, as shown by the inexplicably horrible “Father’s Day“. Has trouble with curveballs down and in.

Top Comparables: Garth Brooks, Chris Gaines

You might dislike the Yankees. You might be jealous of all those World Championships. Maybe you blame them for financial disparity in all of baseball. Perhaps you think of them as the willing host body upon which the leech Scott Boras feasts. Maybe you’d like to accidentally push Alex Rodriguez down three flights of stairs. You may even want to go back in time to the 1996 ALCS and tackle the then-twelve-year-old Jeffrey Maier down to the ground and beat him to a pulp just so he wouldn’t be able to reach over the wall and grab Derek Jeter’s “homerun” ball (if you do want to, you just ain’t right - he’s twelve for god’s sakes! Why would you even think of doing such a thing you bastard???).

But if you’re a baseball fan, you have to respect Yankee Stadium. It may not look like much now, but too many things happened there and too many legends crossed those foul lines onto the playing field for anyone to say “good riddance” to the stadium once the Yankees vacate it after this season. It deserves to be remembered in baseball lore - not only as the House That Ruth Built,  but also as one of the most meaningful cathedrals built on American soil.

And a place like that needs to go out with a bang. It merits a fitting tribute. It demands an event so powerful and lasting that will remain forever linked with the Stadium itself.

Instead, it looks like we’ll get a New York Rangers game. That’s right. Hockey. That’s what baseball fans around the world want as the last event at hallowed Yankee Stadium. A Canadian sport.  Hazzah.

It’s not even the case that I dislike hockey. I do like it. In fact, as a kid my brother and I had a poster of Pat Verbeek, Kirk Muller, Ken Daneyko, John MacLean, Aaron Broten and Sean Burke hanging from our bedroom wall (we’re Devils fans if you couldn’t tell).

But Yankee Stadium is and forever will be known as a baseball stadium. Sure, it’s seen other memorable sporting events in its time such as Joe Louis vs. Max Schmeling, Pele and the NY Cosmos, Notre Dame vs. Army, NY Football Giants vs. Johnny Unitas and the Indianapolis Colts in the 1958 Championship game.  Despite this, I imagine that very few people will say that these other events are what they will remember most about the shrine on River Avenue. They’ll remember the Babe, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle, Berra, Reggie and Jeter. They’ll remember the sound of Bob Sheppard’s voice. They’ll sit in bars and talk about which grounds keeper was the best at dancing to “YMCA”. And they’ll knock back a drink in salute to Cotton Eyed Joey and his lethal moves in the broadcast booth.

Alright, fine. I’m terrible at waxing poetic. But you’d think that a proud organization like the Yankees would want the average fan’s final sight of Yankee Stadium to be… Yankee-ish or at least something related to America’s pastime. Instead, we’ll get Henrik Lundqvist. Now that just ain’t American.

This is one in a series of posts in which we break down each team’s wily offseason maneuvers and tragic offseason blunders.

Last year, the Yankees managed to bash their way into the postseason despite lackluster starting pitching and an average age of fifty-seven years and three months. And for the third year in a row, New York was eliminated from the playoffs in the first round. In the Northeast, where we’re all overachieving Alpha-people who walk fast, talk faster, and expect nothing less than perfection from our sports teams, this is unacceptable. It’s especially unacceptable when you’re the most expensive team in baseball year after year by a margin of about fifty million bucks, or roughly the payroll of the Arizona Diamondbacks.

This offseason, they needed to add pitching and youth. They also faced another conundrum: many of their expensive superstar veterans were up for free agency. They kicked off the offseason by re-signing Andy Pettitte, 35 ( who ultimately did decide to exercise his 1 year, $16 million option), Mariano Rivera, 38 (3 years, $45 million), and Jorge Posada, 36 (4 years, $52.4 million). And, of course, they came to terms with Alex Rodriguez, 32 (10 years, $275 million), who was advised by Warren Buffet in the deal after his agent, Scott Boras, turned out to be greedy and classless (and A-Rod was shocked, shocked!).

Considering the year Jorge Posada just had, considering money is no object for the Steinbrenners, and considering how hard it is to find a catcher even close to that caliber, that deal actually made sense to me—even though they’ll be shelling out $13 million a year for a catcher in his late 30s. As for the A-Rod deal, given that no one but the New York Yankees would (or could) give him the money he wanted, that deal was at least understandable. And I suppose for a big-market team, $16 million isn’t too much to risk on a frontline starter. But I really do not understand the Mariano Rivera deal. Do they really think he’s going to last three more years?

Better money was spent locking up second baseman Robinson Cano, 25, with a long-term deal. He’ll get a minimum of $30 million for 4 years, and, if the options are exercised, a max of $57 million over 6 years. However, Cano will be one of just two every day players still in his twenties. Can the Yankees really expect such a roster to stay healthy into October? On some level, the Injury Bug is a capricious insect that attacks at random, like when your catcher breaks his elbow going after a foul pop. But when your team consists of thirtysomethings, I think you have to expect a certain amount of oblique strains, groin pulls, and hamstring tweaks. Though the Yankees do have some good outfield prospects in their farm system, they’ll begin the year in Double A and aren’t close to being ready for primetime.

The Yankees will hold tryouts of sorts for the 1B spot during Spring Training. The contenders: Morgan Ensberg (32 years old, .230 avg, 12 HR), Wilson Betemit (29 years old, .229 avg, 14 HR), Shelley Duncan (28 years old, .258 avg, 7 HR) and Jason Lane (31 years old, .175 avg, 8 HR). None of these guys is very inspiring. Lane and Ensberg have five games at first base between them. Shelley Duncan has nine. Wilson Betemit? The leader at fourteen. Not that first base is known for being a defensively challenging position, by any means. But that is some pretty slim pickings, and of the bunch, only Ensberg has a career OBP of more than .350.

With a question mark at first base, a third baseman who has never felt comfortable in the position, and a shortstop whose defensive abilities are consistently ranked among the last in baseball by the advanced systems of measurement, the New York infield’s only defensive bright spot is the aforementioned Cano. In the outfield, they can expect solid defense from Abreu and Melky Cabrera, when he’s playing. Matsui and Damon aren’t liabilities, defensively, but neither of them is very durable anymore.

Nonetheless, despite all these red flags, the Yankees will get a bit younger next season—from within. Their farm system is flush with righthanded pitchers, and we got a peek at three of them last season: the highly-touted Phil Hughes, 21, who had flashes of brilliance but battled injury; Joba Chamberlain, 22, who dominated batters down the stretch; and Ian Kennedy, 24, who pitched well in his 3 September starts. Kennedy projects to be a three-hole starter, while Chamberlain and Hughes have front-line stuff. However, all are certain to be on pitch counts and innings limits, which presents an even greater challenge for a team that plans on playing in October. Nonetheless, the Yankees will happily take whatever they can get from the trio, as Carl Pavano is expected to spend the season in the minors, rehabbing and womanizing, and as last year’s acquisition, Kei Igawa, turned out to suck a lot.

Acquisitions: LaTroy Hawkins, Morgan Ensberg

Losses: Roger Clemens, Doug Mientkiewicz, Andy Phillips, Luis Vizcaino, Tyler Clippard

Projected lineup:

1. Damon, CF, .270, .351, 12 HR
2. Jeter, SS, .322, .388, 12 HR
3. Abreu, RF, .283, .369, 16 HR
4. Rodriguez, 3B, .314, .422, 54 HR
5. Posada, C, .338, .426, 20 HR
6. Matsui, LF, .285, .367, 25 HR
7. Giambi, DH, .236, .356, 14 HR
8. Cano, 2B, .306, .353, 19 HR
9. ______, 1B, estimated at .230, .340, and 12 HR

Projected rotation:

1: Wang, 19-7, 199.1 IP, 3.70 ERA
2: Pettitte, 15-9, 215.1 IP, 4.05 ERA
3/4: Chamberlain/Hughes/Kennedy
5: Mussina, 11-10, 152.0 IP, 5.15 ERA

Closer:

Mariano Rivera, 30 saves, 4 blown saves, 3.15 ERA

Spare parts:

Melky Cabrera and whoever doesn’t get the regular 1B job

Grade: C

The Yankees have financial resources even other big market teams—the Red Sox, the Angels, the Mets, the White Sox, the Dodgers—can only dream of. While their 2008 roster will doubtless mash the ball as much as they do every year, it’s pitching, defense, and health that win in the playoffs, and this squad looks questionable on all three. New York’s goal is to field a team that can not only get to the playoffs, but can advance in them. If their three rookie pitchers can shoulder the load, they may be able to do that. But right now, this looks too much like the same team that was only good enough last year for second place in the division and a quick out in the playoffs. The Yankees needed hotter offseason action than this.

-Hot Offseason Action Index-

Tampa Bay _____ Rays - Hoary wisdom

The Tampa Bay Rays have been quietly improving under the radar over the past couple of years. 2007 saw a couple of things bounce their way—finally—mostly thanks to the breakout year had by Carlos Pena. The one thing they have always really lacked is starting pitching, which should be less of a problem next year. So what do they still need to put them over the top? First, a solid bullpen, at least to save poor Scott Kazmir’s sanity. And second, veteran leadership. Sure, it’s great to have a lot of young talent and get excited about what they could do. But you need to have at least one guy in the clubhouse who can do the Crash Davis thing when necessary. Isn’t Tony Clark still available?

Baltimore Orioles - Cloning technology

The Baltimore Orioles are already a step ahead of last year, since at least they seem to have approached this hot stove season with something approaching a strategy. The O’s now need to keep dumping salary wherever and whenever they can; to move Erik Bedard before his value deteriorates; and to acquire other teams’ prospects willy-nilly. And wherever Nick Markakis came from, they need more of that.

Toronto Blue Jays - Medical breakthroughs

Speaking of Bedard, boy could the Jays use him. Their pitching staff—and in fact, most of their roster—is the definition of mediocre. Last year, they looked pretty good on paper, before their roster imploded with injuries. But this year, I look at their team and don’t see a lot of upside (newly acquired Scott Rolen is no exception). Add a pitcher? Add a big bat? Sure. Add anything. Add something. At least let the current crop of big-salary-middle-of-the-road types play out their contracts while you get a farm system in order. But considering last year’s season, maybe the one thing Toronto should add if they want to make the playoffs is some really, really good team doctors.

New York Yankees - A scary starting pitcher, or, failing that, a healthy one

In October, the Yankees folded primarily because of limited starting pitching (well, that and A-Rod’s Octoberitis and Derek Jeter’s sudden propensity for hitting into double plays). Now January is half over and the New York Yankees still need solid starting pitching. Chien-Ming Wang anchored their rotation this year, winning 19 games and barely missing the 200 innings mark. Pettitte will return as No. 2, coming off a 15-win, 200+ innings season. However, Pettitte’s ERA last year cleared the 4.00 mark, which isn’t exactly lights-out. Of greater concern is Mike Mussina, who finished the year with an ERA over 5.00. The big gamble for New York is on their young arms: Joba Chamberlain, Ian Kennedy, and Phil Hughes—who came up to great fanfare last year, only to go down with an injury almost immediately. All three younguns will be on strict innings limits. When October rolls around again, will they have enough left in the tank to make it to the postseason? And assuming they bash their way into the playoffs, do they have the dominant, ace-caliber pitching you need to reach the World Series? Right now, the answer is no.

Boston Red Sox - A craving for Coco

The World Series Champs already look pretty good for next year. They need to think about 2011. A few of their key players are oh-ell-dee old. The hardest to replace will be catcher and team captain Jason Varitek. Boston is still looking for takers for Coco Crisp, and I would love to see them deal him for a catching prospect. The Red Sox have no one inspiring coming up at the position, and will be lucky if Jason Varitek clears .250 over the next three years (assuming he accepts Boston’s 2-year, $20 mill offer of a contract extension). I’d hate to see them deal Coco, who is a Gold Glove caliber centerfielder with excellent speed and offensive upside, for just anyone. But Ellsbury is the Boston CF of the future, and Coco is not a fourth outfielder. If they can’t get a young catcher for him, well, bullpen help is always nice. But I worry that if Crisp languishes in Boston another half-season as a backup, he’ll just end up…soggy.