UFH Futurespective: Randy Johnson

Now that Randy Johnson is back in Arizona, we can let the rejoicing commence—no longer restrained by George Steinbrenner’s regime of clean-cut totalitarianism, the free world can expect a return to Johnson’s storied mullet-and-mustache combo. Huzzah!

Johnson, for his part, hopes a change of scenery will bring about some other changes too, most notably the size of his ERA and the health of his back:

“I’m excited about being back here to finish my career, absolutely,” Johnson said Tuesday at a Chase Field news conference. “Seems like youth has been a big thing here. Well, maybe this will be a fountain of youth coming back here and playing with a lot of young players.”

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“A lot of people say my career is over,” Johnson said. “I had a 5.00 ERA. Well, I was out there pitching with a bad back for most of the year.”

A bad back, and an unflattering hairstyle. Johnson is one of those rare men who just don’t look like themselves with normative barbering. Nevertheless, the Big Unit expressed no regrets about his time in the Big Apple:

“The run that I had, as short-lived as it was, as well-documented as it was in New York, I wouldn’t change a thing. I think those are life experiences that make a man. I made some mistakes there; I fessed up to the mistakes that I made. On the field, I gave everything I had.”

Including the very hair on his face. Yet still, he got no love from Yankees fans frustrated by Johnson’s sudden spiral into (relative) mediocrity. Randy, how did that make you feel?

“As a consumer myself, when I buy a steak or go to the movies, if it’s not a good steak I send it back and if it’s not a good movie I usually leave. If I didn’t pitch well there, they’d boo me… It’s completely understandable.”

As a consumer myself, when I get a haircut, I drive down to Rhode Island to see the same stylist I’ve relied on since college. If she wasn’t so good, I wouldn’t do it…It’s completely understandable. 

While I seethe at the trade because yet again the Yankees have made a laughingstock of their trading partner, I must admit that I am happy to see Johnson go back to Arizona, where at last his locks can flow freely once more. And who knows, maybe The Mullet had secret powers. It wouldn’t be the first time.

Hence I raise my coffee mug to you, Randy Johnson. May the sun shine in your enemies eyes, the wind be forever blowing in, the pitcher’s mound rise to meet you, and until we meet again, may God hold your gently fluttering tresses in the palm of His hand.