UmpBump’s Week 9 Fantasy Results

The fantasy season is now in its third month. How our teams—and their stars—did last week:

Sarah: I should have known. No sooner do I start crowing about my unstoppable offense than the fantasy baseball gods look down from their airy perches and decide to smite me for my hubris. The Somerville Green Sox hitters got off to such an anemic start this week that I was pleased just to escape with a 7-5 loss rather than the 10-2 drubbing that earlier seemed to be my fate. My pitchers reverted to their natural, awful state, but I hope that will change, as I used my waiver priority to pick up Clayton Kershaw. Yes, he promptly (and unsurprisingly, really) got rocked by the Mets, but I look forward to his games against the weaker NL offenses. I also revamped my closing staff, dumping part-time-sub Manny Acosta and bad juju-machine Eric Gagne in favor of Brian Wilson and Rafael Soriano. I’ve got more pitching moves to make in the near future, as Pedro Martinez, who I picked up ages ago, is finally set to come off the DL tomorrow. Hot: Jacoby Ellsbury (8 SB!), Ryan Braun (19 TB!), Russell Martin, Xavier Nady. Not: David Murphy (why do I still have him?), James Loney, JD Drew (yes, he had a .462 OBP last week, but only 7 TB because all he does is walk—swing, jackass!), Rickie Weeks (not having the breakout year I had planned on), Carlos Guillen (ouchie), and last week’s hero, Dana Eveland, who got shelled.

Coley: That’s right, I was that guy. I was the guy who drafted Jay Bruce and stashed him on the bench for two months. And you snickered. You thought, “what a reckless use of bench space.” But now who’s laughing? Now who looks smart? Me! Of course, now I’ve got a bit of a problem, though it’s a good problem to have. I’ve got too many outfielders. There’s Milton Bradley, Josh Hamilton, Johnny Damon, Vlad Guererro, Carl Crawford and Jay Bruce. Of course, I could just keep one of them on my bench as insurance. Or I could deal one for pitching. Thoughts? Hot: Jay Bruce, Josh Hamilton, Johnny Damon, Todd Helton, Brad Lidge. Not: Yunel Escobar, Carlos Pena, Jered Weaver.

Alejandro: When it first seemed like my Center Field Stud was finally going to lose after four consecutive weeks of victories, my offense decided to check in. Glad as I was of the offensive prowess of Aaron Rowand, Carlos Lee, and Jermaine Dye, Montefusco’s Revenge didn’t go down quietly, beating me out in 4 out 6 offensive categories. I don’t know how, but my pitching carried the load, returning the favor and wining 5 out 6 stats. The only loss was due to my “bloated” 3.97 era, all thanks to Mr. Mark Hendrickson hitting a wall and getting tagged for 10 freakin’ runs, oh and for B.J. Ryan finally succumbing to statistical trends and blowing a save. Tim Linceum continues to dominate, but the surprise has been Todd Wellemeyer who very quietly is posting very impressive numbers (1-0, 1.29 ERA, 4Ks, 1.14 WHIP – though if I were to trust my colleague Nick Kapur, I should be trading him, like, NOW!). Hot: Aaron Rowand, Jermaine Dye (not really, but he did hit a home run and collected 11 TBs), Tim Lincecum, Todd Wellemeyer, Josh Becket (no wins, but 10 Ks!), Kerry Wood (4 saves and a negligible ZERO era), Jon Garland (another non-winner, 8-Ker, 2.19 ERA). Not: Dan Uggla, A.J. Pierzynksi (what a seesaw), Connor Jackson (boy’s hurting, give him some time).

Paul: Me win. Conquer Sooze and Sooze army (freebase my balls). Win lucky though. ElDuque’sInjuryReport no play good. Pitchers had ERA over 5. Still won Wins, Saves, K, and K/BB, whatever that mean. How that happen? David Wright do good. All-Star. Me Met fan. When Wright do good, make me happy. Shane Victorino good too. Scored thirteen runs on own! WOW! Only got on base safely 13 times all week! Still scored 13! Phillies have big bats! Me still think Brett Myers dumb… Me also bring Randy Winn on team. Matt Holliday hurt. Needed outfielder. Winn outfielder. Good match. But two days later, saw Travis Hafner get dropped. Me clubbed Winn over head with big stick. Winn go sleep. Me dragged Winn to garbage pit. Picked up Pronk instead. Brought Pronk home. Pronk easy name for caveman to say. Bye bye Winn. HOT: David Wright, Shane Victorino, Scott “Cy Young” Kazmir. NOT: Geovany Soto, Edwin Encarnacion, Chris B. Young, Ted Lilly, Hiroki Kuroda.

Standings, with games behind:

1. Paul (ElDuquesInjuryReport) (0)
2. Scott (Utley’s Firm Quads) (5.5)
3. Doug (Swamp Dragons) (9.5)
4. Alejandro (Center Field Stud) (12.5)
5. Sarah (Somerville Green Sox) (14)
6. Kirk (Montefusco’s Revenge) (20)
7. Larry (croutchyoldman) (22)
6. Bryan (Pirates in 08!) (22.5)
9. Ania (Box89RowKKSeat14) (26.5)
10. Sooze (freebase my balls) (29.5)
11. Coley (Crunkball All Stars) (31.5)
12. Caitlin (caitlin grace) (34.5)